Hello Petrus,
I'm sorry I was not faster with my response. It is an American holiday involving guests and lots of cooking and little private time. I hope you are enjoying your trip. There is no hurry from my side to have the answers shown to other guides.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
1) No, there is no separate "self", "me", "I" at all anywhere, in any way, shape or form and never was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
2) There is bodily form with the senses that make perception possible. As very young children, before language develops, we discover our world through direct experience. Direct perception needs no separate self, but when language allows one to label each sensation and each object perceived, a split occurs between the labeler and the object. Direct perception becomes "I" see, hear, taste, feel, want, don't like….something. There is a fear of not being real and we continue to build more and more pieces of objective reality to strengthen the ego or the imagined self. We define ourselves as our jobs, religions, nationalities, hobbies, family heritage,etc. We "own" cars, houses, books, paintings. There are ideas, causes, beliefs, facts, and opinions to which we attach significance and feel that they give meaning to our individual existence. This process is reinforced by everyone around us until we forget that it was ever different. We experience ourselves as a separate being within a world of other separate individuals and objects and become the narrators of our own story, rather than really being fully in it in each moment.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
3) Knowing that there is no separate self has changed the way I relate to thoughts and the perceived world. Thoughts don't seem to have much power. Thoughts might be there with opinions about a particular action and I notice them and then act however I do knowing it wasn't really possible to do it differently and that I didn't decide anything. I guess what I feel is more at peace with what is. I feel less need to be in control and have everything together. I know now that "I" never was in charge and that there is no need to struggle. The change is subtle, but clear enough. There is just a constant present awareness impossible to ignore…like a cat wanting attention! The tendency to withdraw into the imagined self is no longer an option.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
4) I'm not sure if there was one particular thing that was the final push. Your patience with my mental gymnastics in general and your humor, making me laugh and stop taking myself seriously gradually wore out the questioning and doubt. Maybe this exchange near the end was a turning point when I complained about "a voice that is constantly narrating, commenting, judging, labeling, explaining and trying to give meaning to experience by forming it into a story... It is annoying, actually! I just want to shout at it to "Please be quiet! I don't need you to interpret life when I can experience it perfectly well before you give your comments!" It is like watching a film and having someone in the seat next to you explaining what is happening so that you can't enjoy the film just as it is."
Petrus: Annoying indeed (which is a label). A pity there is no one that can do something about it.
Kathanna: This made me laugh! So obvious that if there were an "i" and it was that annoyed, it would do something about it! Where is that "i" when needed! Guess it was not real all along!
The video "Neuroscience and Free Will" was a convincing argument. I also read the article by Gary Weber on that topic.
I actually found all of the articles very helpful. The one on Emptiness Teachings was helpful because it was from a perspective that was already familiar and helped get me out of my head and remember the heart.
There was a dynamic of being mentally obsessed with trying to "see" and having an expectation of what that meant and actually not believing that it was possible. At some point I understood more clearly what was meant by "seeing through the illusion of a separate self" and that it was possible because it was a step…not necessarily the end destination.
I feel very grateful for this experience and the kindness of my guide and all whose input was available.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
5) Decision, intention, free will, choice and control are all concepts or thoughts that are not real. They are all ways that the "self" gives itself importance by pretending that it is real and in control.
According to the article by Gary Weber, there is a very limited part of the brain that believes it makes decisions when in fact the decision is made before that part of the brain knows it.
New age gurus and self help books advocate using intention to create what you want in your life. Put a picture of the car you want on the refrigerator and look at it every day and intend that it will be yours and you will get it. I don't believe it is guaranteed! Maybe you will and maybe not but whatever happens is not controlled by you. Werner Erhard said that you can tell what your intention was by the result you get, by what happens. this sounds clever, but still implies control. Believing that one can manifest things by intention is a distraction from discovering the truth..that there is no "self" that can have control of anything.
Pre-determination vs. Free Will has been an issue central in the creation of Christian Protestant denominations. It means nothing. It is not real.
I have heard discussions about the difference between decision and choice, a decision being pre-meditated and a choice more impulsive or intuitive. A waste of breath! Both are illusion. It is clear that "I" have no control of anything. There is no "I" to do the controlling.
One example: A 19 year old acquaintance asked to see me and although I knew he was going to ask to stay with us and that he was untrustworthy in many ways and lied and manipulated and would not give anything in return, really not wanting to take this on, I found myself driving toward home with him in the car without deciding to do it.
Another example: During a therapy session with a young girl, i began to talk without thinking and what was said was totally appropriate to the situation. There was a feeling of spaciousness and aliveness and non-separation. I am clear that "I" did not do any of this.
I seem to worry less and yet I am no less responsible. I keep appointments. My paperwork is up to date in the office. At home, I cook, take the dog to the vet, do laundry, pay bills, etc.
What makes things happen? How does it all work? Ultimately, I don't know! We suffer because of clinging to the illusion of self and all that follows from that, including believing negative thoughts and acting on them resulting in more suffering. Many people who believe that the "self" is real collectively create the world that we have. "Selfishness" means lack of concern for the welfare of other people, other species, the earth itself. Seeing through the illusion allows the possibility for more caring and kindness to develop.
I am responsible for my own state of mind. I am responsible for developing complete acceptance and openness to experiencing everything without withdrawing into the "self" even though "I" don't know how to do it and have no control over whether or not it happens.
