Hi Angelika.
I've been faster then I thought, I am again victim of a flood of words :)
Here are the answers to every question. Please ask further details or examples if something is not clear to you.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. There is a separate organism. The organism is separated from a relative point of view but it is part of life (more in answer 5 about this).
Inside of the body there is a brain and the brain has a running operating system, like a software (I will use the software analogy from now on).
This software runs the body by itself. This software comprises genetic traits, all the conditioning gained during life and some built-in (innate) mechanisms.
Thoughts arise (according to the software programming) emotion arises in the body and a decision is taken according to these stimuli.
According to the decision taken a target is set and the body acts. Prior to that there is just emptyness. There is no I controlling the process nor there has ever been.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The existance of the self is just a program of the software of the organism. I could say that at a certain point of the organism life, since everyone around has this programming, this belief of I-existance is created. Everyone threat the organism as it had a separate I and everyone model around act as he/she had it. From that point on the thought "I have done this, I have thoght that, I have controlled that" arises, but just when awareness is directed toward that.
What I mean is that lots of everyday activities are run by themselves without I-existance (this is another proof of the falseness of the self). They I existance is just taken for granted as any other beliefs.
I/me is a thought arising after the other thoughts, basically it works like this:
a thought arises setting an intention -> the action is done -> the "I have done that" label arises as a thought. This gives the illusion to be a controller of your own experience, the illusion that you have decisions to take. In relity it is worse (in a good sense) than in the movie "Trueman Show". What I mean is that not only there is no control in what happens around you, but also no control in you...In reality you are a dynamic character in the game of life with a dynamic role defined by traits influenced by life itself. Life is controlling everything.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels strange because it is the same but different at the same time. I mean everything is experienced in the same way, the same thoughts, the same emotions in this sense nothing has changed.
The difference is they are nobody's. Emotions are just sensations in the body and thoughts are not believed...It is like not taking myself seriously anymore.
The software is still running since there is life in this organism but there is the knowledge to be an arbitrary software equivalent to all the other softwares of other organisms.
The emptyness behind everything seems also to be accessible at will. By will I mean by personality will. Since everything arises from that, from the programming and from the body will to survive. Now the personality knows to be just a personality. The character knows to be just a character. It seems also harder to be shaken by something because there is acceptance of what life presents in front of me as a part of the experience. Everything, even what others may judge bad or not good it appears now thrilling and exciting in some ways. Like "let's see where this will lead". There is also a certain shift in conscience but it is hard to explain, like to reside in a smooth awareness state. I can try to elaborate further on this if you want but by now it is difficult, since it is quite new.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
The last bit has been seeing that actions/intentions/awareness are not controlled by anybody or sometimes by the inception of a thought. That thought arises, without the possibility to be be controlled, there is nothing before tha thought, just other thoughts or emptyness. Every single thought origin can be tracked down as a part of a thoughts chain whch started at its very beginning from a thought arising from emtpyness.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
That's complicated ahahah
Decision is taken accordingly to thoughts arising from emptyness, so actually there is nobody to take decisions.
Decision is an illusion, I mean the software takes decisions according to the analysis of the context, its programming background and also emotions. Since they all belongs to the programming
at the end we can say that the decision taken is forced in some way and that no decision is taken actually.
Intention arises from stimuli (both from the body and from the world) that triggers thoughts. These thoughts are generated according to the personality.
Here is a simple example. I have a nerdy personality, I like computer games and The Lord of the Rings, I see the advertising of a new computer game about The Lord of The Rings the thought "I would love to have this" arises. From that points all the actions are taken to have the game. Everything works like that from the most important to the most "stupid" intentions.
Free will is a nonsense since everything runs by itself. Let's take for example all this path I've been into.
At a certain point I realized that everything I believed about me wasn't true, I had no certainties about me. This has been noticed because of some personality trait and personal circumstances at the time (so no choice about it). Then I started looking about books and I found Jed McKenna's Damnedest. I read it and it triggered the fever for this enlightenment stuff (again no choice the reaction triggered depended upon my unique personality and circumstances). Then all the path till now...every choices depended upon the personality and the stimuli (which changed during the experience and the path itself). I would also add than when the software has to make a decision also the choices seen are dependant on the personality...moreover we can hypotize than some personality traits are genetically inherited for example as basic running software so where is the free will?
Everything seems to be a dance, everything is interwoven, situations bringing stimuli, thoughts and actions arises in response bringing actions and other situations. About the aim of all this I would say just the experience, thats how and why things happen.
Responability is another nonsense. Who is responsible? I will use a grim example. I was reading some days ago, completely by chance, Ed Gein's biography. He was one of the worst and most cruel serial killers of history. While reading is story you can see the perfection, you can see that everything in his personality (especially genetic traits) was perfectly taylored for that particular life experience...so how one can judge? How one can say he was responsible for it? He wasn't nobody, there was nobody to own or control that particular personality.
This does not give the the right do to everything, since with this understandng arises a huge sense of respect...respect for everyone, everyone's experience is equally important and perfect as it is, everyone beliefs, we work all in the same way and we are perfect as we are. Hate is also impossible since hate/love in everyday sense are just something belonging to the software running on the organism, in this sense knowing to be just a software makes very hard hurting the others.
6) Anything to add?
I would like to add that right now seems difficult to see and understand what remains when everything has been removed. I mean that empptyness which seems to be empty but alive. Maybe it is because there is still a remaining sense of "I must be something" but it is again illusive. I mean there can be no I in that emptyness.
PLUS I would like to add a big thanks :) :)
