Guidance, please! :)

[Hilary]

Hello Sarah!

And where was this resistance?

It was actually nowhere. It was just a thought. Literally. I see that very clearly this morning. . . was NOT even close to being able to see it yesterday evening, however! I let it take over like a runaway train!! :) But, in fact, I am clear again that I don’t have any control over this situation (or the feeling of anxiety coming up) and neither does the other person!! :) :)

Was it in thought, or a physical sensation or an emotion – or a combination?

In thought, for certain – but I only recognized it in hindsight (this morning). A major emotion – fear, I guess – and maybe a physical sensation, too. I don’t remember for sure though about the physical sensation part.

Was there a ‘need’ to be rid of this resistance?

YES—a seeming need to not have this anxiety because I thought it was affecting my behavior! And the anxiety itself is about the perceived need for things to go “my” way. It was all fear and I was NOT in control of what was coming up as thoughts/emotions and I didn’t want them there.
Today, nothing. Just giggling at it and “myself”! . . . a thought comes that maybe it’s old behavior that will phase itself out of existence!

Some things that have come up regarding yesterday that feel more sane(!):

So what.
It’s how it was supposed to happen.
I’m not in control.
The other person’s not in control.
There’s no special thing I should have or could have done/said differently to make the outcome better. There is no better outcome. Ever. There is only this – here. It was life unfolding as life. Period.
I don’t know what will happen. I can never know what will happen at any time. There is only this now anyway. It will unfold more and it will be revealed as exactly how it is supposed to happen.
There was no mistake and there couldn’t be.
Even my anxiety was part of the unfoldment.
And so is all of this!

Yes it does. What has been noticed with control – or lack thereof?

Well, today. . . in the comical aftermath of looking at it, I see that even that had to happen that way and that maybe it was just supposed to be a runaway train! I also see that what will be in this situation, will be – regardless of any special things “I” might try to do or not do, etc.

Where does thought think its in control?

It doesn’t. It’s just showing up – that’s all it can do. Maybe there’s a new thought about control (or lack of) – but that’s its own thought!

Do you mean thought here not being able to see through itself?

Yes, I guess I did mean something along those lines. :)

You saw this clearly?

I’m not sure I understand this. . . I saw the “episode” clearly – that I wasn’t seeing through the illusion of self? Is that what you mean? :) If so, yes – but only in hindsight and mind didn’t stop acting like a runaway train until this morning.

Then what?

After all of this – seeing what came up, what appeared – this morning.

Today, for the most part:
Big deal. The moment came and went. It’s over. No mistakes.

Anything that’s not seeing that are just more thoughts about something that’s over – not even part of my experience anymore.

Thank you!!!
Big hug
Hilary

[Sarah7]

Hi Hilary

It was actually nowhere. It was just a thought. Literally. I see that very clearly this morning. . . was NOT even close to being able to see it yesterday evening, however! I let it take over like a runaway train!! :) But, in fact, I am clear again that I don’t have any control over this situation (or the feeling of anxiety coming up) and neither does the other person!! :) :)

What let it take over like a runaway train? Not trying to be picky with language here – just checking. Language can hide stories and beliefs in it all over the place – especially when everything points back to ‘I’ – do you see this?

In thought, for certain – but I only recognized it in hindsight (this morning). A major emotion – fear, I guess – and maybe a physical sensation, too. I don’t remember for sure though about the physical sensation part.

Doesnt matter when seeing happens – only thought would make a mountain out of that particular molehill! See that.

YES—a seeming need to not have this anxiety because I thought it was affecting my behavior! And the anxiety itself is about the perceived need for things to go “my” way. It was all fear and I was NOT in control of what was coming up as thoughts/emotions and I didn’t want them there.
Today, nothing. Just giggling at it and “myself”! . . . a thought comes that maybe it’s old behavior that will phase itself out of existence!

OK – keep looking for thoughts wanting things other than they are – not to worry if it isn’t seen straight away! See if you can spot the stories thoughts tell – just notice them and then have a giggle! Off they go again! See if you can spot the stories based around getting rid of unpleasant feelings and emotions – like fear and anxiety. If seeing happens when the feeling or emotion is happening – go straight to sensation – notice at your breathing, notice the tingle in your fingers, notice the feeling at the base of your foot.
What is wrong with right now?
Where is this ‘I’ that wants something different?

Some things that have come up regarding yesterday that feel more sane(!): So what. It’s how it was supposed to happen. I’m not in control. The other person’s not in control. There’s no special thing I should have or could have done/said differently to make the outcome better. There is no better outcome. Ever. There is only this – here. It was life unfolding as life. Period. I don’t know what will happen. I can never know what will happen at any time. There is only this now anyway. It will unfold more and it will be revealed as exactly how it is supposed to happen. There was no mistake and there couldn’t be. Even my anxiety was part of the unfoldment. And so is all of this!

Are thoughts about anything real? Thinking is for sure – but content? Who or what are you trying to make more sane here? This is not a criticism – just see what thoughts are trying to do here – tell a story about…..! Can you see it? :)

Well, today. . . in the comical aftermath of looking at it, I see that even that had to happen that way and that maybe it was just supposed to be a runaway train! I also see that what will be in this situation, will be – regardless of any special things “I” might try to do or not do, etc.

Where is this ‘I’ that has no control?

Maybe there’s a new thought about control (or lack of) – but that’s its own thought!

Yes – look for this ‘I’ that thinks its not in control. Look for the story built around this lacking ‘I’ – watch for it like a cat watching a mouse hole!

Big deal. The moment came and went. It’s over. No mistakes.

What mistakes could possibly be made? By what or whom?
Lots of love, hugs and giggles Sarah xxx

[Hilary]

Hello Sarah!! Here we go! :)

What let it take over like a runaway train? Not trying to be picky with language here – just checking. Language can hide stories and beliefs in it all over the place – especially when everything points back to ‘I’ – do you see this?

Yes, I see what you’re saying. Please! You’re helping me! :)
I suppose nothing “let” it – but it was there. It’s what happened.
I do see this, yes.

Doesnt matter when seeing happens – only thought would make a mountain
out of that particular molehill! See that.

Yes, I can see this. That’s exactly what happened. In reality, nothing major was happening at all.

OK – keep looking for thoughts wanting things other than they are – not to worry if it isn’t seen straight away! See if you can spot the stories thoughts tell – just notice them and then have a giggle! Off
they go again! See if you can spot the stories based around getting rid of unpleasant feelings and emotions – like fear and anxiety. If seeing happens when the feeling or emotion is happening – go straight to sensation – notice at your breathing, notice the tingle in your fingers, notice the feeling at the base of your foot. What is wrong with right now?

Nothing. It’s not possible for there to be anything wrong with right now.

Where is this ‘I’ that wants something different?

It’s nothing but a thought. Only a thought would say something should be different.

Are thoughts about anything real?

No. They’re just commentary. No actual reality in them.

Thinking is for sure – but content?

No. There is no content to be found in a thought – never.

Who or what are you trying to make more sane here?

Nothing. . . the thoughts just felt less irrational, less untrue, I guess. . . I see what you’re saying though.

This is not a criticism – just see what thoughts are trying to do here
– tell a story about…..! Can you see it? :)

Yes. Definitely.

Where is this ‘I’ that has no control?

Nowhere, really – nowhere that I can see. . . just thoughts about
whether or not there IS control.

Yes – look for this ‘I’ that thinks its not in control. Look for the
story built around this lacking ‘I’ – watch for it like a cat watching
a mouse hole!

Okay. Vigilance. :)

What mistakes could possibly be made? By what or whom?

Right! Yes! Nothing, no one. That’s what I was trying to say, too. :)
Sort of like: nothing isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.

Thank you again! I hope your weekend is off to a great start!

Hilary

[Sarah7]

Hi Hilary
Im off on holiday today till Wednesday – but am taking my iPad with me – so will hopefully be able to continue our conversation. However the answers may be in bits with lots of them – as this site has a habit of logging us out real quick sometimes! OK!

Nothing. It’s not possible for there to be anything wrong with right now.

Is this experienced? You can watch the resistance and feel no ‘I’ being pointed to?
If not look using: OK – keep looking for thoughts wanting things other than they are – not to worry if it isn’t seen straight away! See if you can spot the stories thoughts tell – just notice them and then have a giggle! Off they go again! See if you can spot the stories based around getting rid of unpleasant feelings and emotions – like fear and anxiety. If seeing happens when the feeling or emotion is happening – go straight to sensation – notice at your breathing, notice the tingle in your fingers, notice the feeling at the base of your foot. What is wrong with right now?

It’s nothing but a thought. Only a thought would say something should be different.

Has anything changed here? Has the illusion of ‘I’ been seen? If so what remains?

OK lets look at sensory experience. Seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling and tasting. Let's start with seeing.

Describe the experience of seeing step-by-step. In seeing, what is being experienced? What is happening when "seeing" is happening? What is doing the seeing? What is being seen? What does "seeing" consists of? Go into detail. Describe the actual, direct experience of seeing.

Gaze at an object. Turn up that inner magnifying glass to observe what's happening in direct experience. Do you first perceive the object using some other sense, and then see it later? Can you find a dividing line between the object and the seeing of it? Or are the object and the seeing of it inseparable? Is there an entity called "you" experiencing the seeing? Can you find a dividing line between "you" and seeing? Or is there only seeing? What do you see about the thought, "I'm seeing that object"? Is it an accurate description of direct experience?

Do you see with eyes behind eyes or you imagine it? That's the point- see what is visible field, where it ends and where memory, thoughts say that there must be something there.
With eyes open, you see a screen, just like computer screen, but edgeless. Can you see something that is not on the screen? Can you see what is behind without turning head? Can you see inside of body? In the view, is there inside and outside?
And with eyes closed, where does this vortex of energy end? Can you experience something that is not in the perceiving field? Is there something outside of perceiving field?
Look as if you don't know anything and notice what is exact experience (without memory as if you have total amnesia)
Explore what senses tell, without relying on thoughts.

Have fun!
Love and hugs Sarah xxx

[Hilary]

Hi Sarah!

Okay, no problem. Thank for still reaching out to me during your break!

I've already sort of fallen asleep once, so I'll address the first part regarding sensory experience tonight and would like to address the rest tomorrow (or later if I wake up again). :)

Describe the experience of seeing step-by-step. In seeing, what is being experienced? What is happening when "seeing" is happening? What is doing the seeing? What is being seen? What does "seeing" consists of? Go into detail. Describe the actual, direct experience of seeing.

The experience of seeing, step by step: I blink or open my eyes and there are things in front of the eyes, objects to take in, look at . . . or, if my eyes are closed, my eyelids are in front of my eyes - and that is what is seen then.

What seems to be happening when seeing: there are things and objects there in front of my eyes and my eyes take all of that in and seemingly send messages to my brain and I suppose my brain also sends messages to itself about what it's seeing - thoughts about what's being seen - I guess labeling and thoughts that seem to want to make sense of it all, describe it, opine.

The eyes see the objects, the world in front the eyes, and my brain gets information from that somehow and perceives what's being seen. (Clearly, I'm not a scientist or doctor!!!)

What is being seen at any given time is what is there now - physical seeing cannot happen any other time except for in the present moment. Eyes will not see anything before now - or anything after now. Only right now. Even if it's watching footage from the day before on CNN, the eyes are still seeing CNN airing footage right now.

The actual experience of seeing just feels like the sensation of looking at whatever is happening right now and right here.

Gaze at an object. Turn up that inner magnifying glass to observe what's happening in direct experience. Do you first perceive the object using some other sense, and then see it later? Can you find a dividing line between the object and the seeing of it? Or are the object and the seeing of it inseparable? Is there an entity called "you" experiencing the seeing? Can you find a dividing line between "you" and seeing? Or is there only seeing? What do you see about the thought, "I'm seeing that object"? Is it an accurate description of direct experience?

In some cases, I could perceive an object with another sense before seeing it. Sometimes, just seeing happens. I can find no dividing line between the object and the seeing of it. It does feel like the object and the seeing are inseparable, even though I've never looked at it this way. That appears to be true though. There is not entity called "me" that is doing the seeing. If my eyes are open, whether I want to or not, seeing happens. Even if they're closed, seeing still happens - I just see eyelids, light, etc. It feels sort of like there is an entity experiencing the seeing - but that is just seeing and then mind adding thoughts/opinions/commentary and I know my thoughts do not for or show that there's a "me". I cannot find a dividing line between "me" and seeing. There seems to just be seeing, regardless of anything my thoughts or emotions would suggest. The "I'm" in "I'm seeing" does seem to suggest there's an "I" doing it, making it happen. I can see that this is not true. If just using the word I'm as a shorthand for "this body", I guess that would be accurate, if meant in that way/context.

Will write more later or tomorrow - sleepy. :)

Thank you, Sarah!!

Good night! Enjoy your Sunday!

xo
Hilary

[Sarah7]

Having some technical issues!Hopefully they can be addressed!!!!!!! Sarah xxxxx

[Sarah7]

Hi Hilary
Can't quote OK!

OK with seeing just go to what is actually experienced. Be aware of thought filling in the gaps and trying to explain, eg. Eyes sending signals etc. Do you actually experience that?

Can eyes think? Or explain?

Where does seeing happen? Here or over there? try looking at different distances for that, or through a window.

Lastly have a go at hearing. Listen to different sounds, an open window or house sounds...whatever. Where does heating happen? Over there or here? Can you find the one who hears, the sound and the hearing? Or is there simply hearing?

Lots of love Sarah xxxxx

[Hilary]

Hi Sarah! I didn't know you posted that last one. Thank you!

Still here. . . will write back after reading through/looking. Thank you!!

[Hilary]

OK with seeing just go to what is actually experienced. Be aware of thought filling in the gaps and trying to explain, eg. Eyes sending signals etc. Do you actually experience that?

Okay - I understand. No. . .definitely did not experience my eyes sending brain signals. :)

Can eyes think? Or explain?

Eyes cannot think or explain. They can only see.

Where does seeing happen? Here or over there? try looking at different distances for that, or through a window.

Right now, I don't know where it happens. . . seems to just be where my eyes are but another way of approaching it could be that seeing happens all over. Wherever I'm looking is where the seeing is happening and even then, like the questions from the day before: where is the boundary for that? I have to look into this further!!

[Hilary]

Hi again!

Do you see with eyes behind eyes or you imagine it? That's the point- see what is visible field, where it ends and where memory, thoughts say that there must be something there.

I don't see with eyes behind eyes. This morning, I can see that the eyes look and mind starts going. . . two separate things. It feels strange to look this way!

With eyes open, you see a screen, just like computer screen, but edgeless. Can you see something that is not on the screen? Can you see what is behind without turning head? Can you see inside of body? In the view, is there inside and outside?

I cannot see anything that's not on the screen and I cannot see what's behind me without turning my head. I cannot see inside the body (that would be cool though!). There is no inside/outside. . . just the edgeless screen, really. It's strange though. . . I want to look at this more.

And with eyes closed, where does this vortex of energy end? Can you experience something that is not in the perceiving field? Is there something outside of perceiving field?

With eyes closed, all that is experienced with the eyes is the lids (and some light). . .I cannot experience seeing anything that is not in the field of vision. If there is something outside of the perceiving field, I don't know about it. :)

Thank you again. . . Will write more later unless you write first!
xo
Hilary

[Sarah7]

Hi Hilary
Think I'd better let you catch up! LOL! Keep looking and I'll post again after you have had a chance to look at it all! OK. Bigs hugs Sarah xxx

[Hilary]

Sounds good. Thank you! :)

[Hilary]

Hi Sarah. I'm here but need a little more time, please. Thank you! :)

xo
Hilary

[Sarah7]

Fine Hilary.
Hugs Sarah xxx

[Hilary]

HI Sarah!

I don't quite know where to pick up from where I left off but I'm starting with your hearing questions. :)

Lastly have a go at hearing. Listen to different sounds, an open window or house sounds...whatever. Where does heating happen? Over there or here? Can you find the one who hears, the sound and the hearing? Or is there simply hearing?

What a morning to talking about hearing! There are all kinds of noises happening and it's only 7:30am!!

I hear someone hammering. . . It would seem like the hearing is happening here but, upon closer inspection, it seems like hearing can be happening over there (wherever the hammering is), too - and anywhere in the vicinity. In my actual experience, I can't say for certain that the hearing is pinpointed RIGHT HERE in my ear. I can't actually find the one who hears the sound. What I notice is the noise happens, the hearing happens and then my mind chimes in and it almost seems like that's who's doing the hearing but, when broken down more carefully, it doesn't seem true. Despite this, there is still a very strong sense of my mind saying there's a "me" hearing right now.

I cannot find the sound. . . it seems to just come up and then dissipate. I can sense a general direction of where it originated but when the sound reverberates, there doesn't seem to be any separation between the sound or the hearing happening.

What I like about hearing, for the sake of this looking, is that nothing needs to happen for me to hear. As long as my ears still work, sound will just show up and hearing will be there.

As far as seeing, I'm still having a sense of that "I'm" seeing . . . I understand that if my eyes are open and facing a certain direction, seeing of whatever's there will happen and THEN - afterwards, my mind then jumps in. . . I'm noticing experiencing that some of the time. . . but there's still the old assumption of that it's "me". Hope that made sense.

Is this experienced? You can watch the resistance and feel no ‘I’ being pointed to?
If not look using: OK – keep looking for thoughts wanting things other than they are – not to worry if it isn’t seen straight away! See if you can spot the stories thoughts tell – just notice them and then have a giggle! Off they go again! See if you can spot the stories based around getting rid of unpleasant feelings and emotions – like fear and anxiety. If seeing happens when the feeling or emotion is happening – go straight to sensation – notice at your breathing, notice the tingle in your fingers, notice the feeling at the base of your foot. What is wrong with right now?

It was experienced in that moment. . .It has not been experienced across the board. . . this idea that "there couldn't be anything wrong with right now." I can't say that I can watch resistance and feel no "I" being pointed to. I AM noticing that things are not quite as sticky as they would normally be. I will continue to look at these thoughts of wanting things other than they are. . . what seems to happen is I'll think about whatever it is LATER (whatever came up as annoying and bothered me, I felt anxious/nervous, etc.), and see the truth of it and THEN see that there's not much to it and it just doesn't seem very big/important at that point. So, what you're asking me -- that isn't really happening -- but it's somewhere along those lines maybe. . . will look at this more. . . it seems to be ongoing!

I think I'm caught up, for the moment. . . will go through everything and make sure I've answered everything so far. Thank you for your patience with me!
xo
Hilary