looking for smudge to guide me .smudge are you there.

[smudge]

Maybe there is no busyness no stillness no coming and no going i guess im just not always able to access this as yet...

Above is thought.When I ask you to report your direct experience, I don't mean for you to go into some special mental state. I simply mean to report what you're experiencing directly, right here and now. If its tiredness then tiredness is happening and it can still be investigated if an 'I' is feeling the tiredness. The looking is a vital part of this. Thinking 'about it' or 'remembering' is all story and the main reason that this simpler than simple seeing is missed.

I know this because I have at times directly experienced this but it isn't consistent and I'm not by any means going to pretend otherwise..for me it is sometimes a real struggle to meet the pathway continuously

THIS is IT...... whatever comes up. Sense of self is not a problem, thoughts are not a problem, they won't go away and it won't feel any different. Sense of self is the sense of aliveness. Even if the feeling of a sense of self is coming up.. that too is part of what is. Is there expectation thoughts or sense of self won't be there?

Here's another perspective on the distinction between direct and indirect experience. We're always having direct experience of something. Even when we seem to be lost in a thought story, our direct experience is of the story. Or if you're watching a film about Paris, that's an indirect experience of Paris, but it's a direct experience of the film.

If you can take a few minutes to do this every day a glimpse is all it takes to open the shutter.

SO: again in DE 'Is there any boundary between inside and outside'?

This is good, we are getting in there, making it real. x

[alaya shunyata]

Mmm smiling....yes there is an expectation that thoughts won't be there..not in the same way any way...in the story..in the remembering there was more vibration more aliveness than thoughts. No in my direct experience there i no boundary between inside and outside. So in direct experience at this moment.here is a sence of physical pain in the vertebrae of my spine and neck a sence of tiredness..a sence of softness under my hand that touches the cloth on the table.a sence of breath moving through this aliveness. There is the sence of story a sence of discursive thought .a discomfort and concurrently a sence of excitement and joy which is senced as a vibration. This aliveness sénces that already in flux..its changing..doing calls and sencing the arising of resistance to that this aliveness moves to the yoga mat for more looking...something is shifting...uncomfortable vibration...without knowing why a strong emotion now rises. tears falling.

[smudge]

strong emotion now rises. tears falling.

Yes, its all good xxxxx

yes there is an expectation that thoughts won't be there..not in the same way any way

Good to see, expectations are the biggest pitfall of all. And good to see that in Direct experience there are thoughts...as well as sensations (tiredness/pain), consciousness (aliveness), forms (hand/cloth) and volitions
(movement to yoga mat). But to date no "I"..Lets keep looking just in case:

So now,

In DE does the body experience sensations and thought?

[alaya shunyata]

Thoughts are happening.. looking....no the body does not . Sitting.. looking. There is no body.no I no mind...resting here..there is an arising panic like feeling ..no aversion to that ..thoughts are happening.a sick feeling. A vibration of total emptiness. emptied out, blown to pieces..no aversion to that...speechless. words and labels are useless in this moment.

[smudge]

A vibration of total emptiness. emptied out, blown to pieces..no aversion to that...speechless. words and labels are useless in this moment.

Yes some reorganisation going on here, nice.

Thoughts are happening.

So lets look deeply at thoughts some more, answer only from DE. Are YOU the thinker of thoughts? can YOU think and choose a thought (examples please).

[alaya shunyata]

Looking directly at thought..it seems to manifest of its own accord...it feels as if its not me..out there at times and permeating everything..and polluting this aliveness most of the time..you emphasize the "You" are " you" the thinker of thoughts ? No is my answer..in directing me to" look "at thoughts the experience of them changes..there is no movement found no beginging of the thought no middle no end..just an endless droning buzz of energy always trying to interrupt nothing. Experiencing thought as directed and searching for an I the thinker as a chooser of thought..blank numbness is found...there's nothing there to think it feels like I'm twisting back on this self and drawing a blank every time. No there is no I to choose thought that I can really touch into ...weird... but there is a since of the you that has asked that I look ..and a sence of """I""" the looker...the investigator of experience...
Thank you x

[alaya shunyata]

PS thanks for waiting until I'm up and running again with this computer x

[smudge]

Looking directly at thought..it seems to manifest of its own accord

Yes, thought is like a description machine that labels everything thats going on, BUT it labels everything with a i, me and mine, so it is misperception, probably why it feels so toxic! Its a story all about ME and quite often a me thats not OK in some way.

but there is a sence of the you that has asked that I look ..and a sence of """I""" the looker...the investigator of experience

If thought tells a story about batman there will ne a sense of batman, doesn't mean he's real!

But as we saw thoughts don't go away but belief in what their story is can be seen through, then thoughts can be quite fun. Do this exercise to see the difference between the misperception and the truth.

Do this: Write what you are experiencing right now using the words I and me. Get right to the point, no past or future fantasy, just plain description of here now. Like this: I am lying in bed. I am hearing rain. I am typing these words. Do this for 10 minutes. Watch the body; what physical sensations are happening? Then for the next 10 minutes write what you are experiencing without the words I and me. Just describe the experience as it is happening in the moment, using verbs: Waiting for next thought, typing, breathing, blinking, hearing rain. Again watch what is happening in the body. Now compare these two ways to label experience. What do you notice?

[alaya shunyata]

Tired ..agreed one post a day ..finished Giging at two am..off to bed .will do the exercise tomorrow evening..looking forward to it...just to say ..I really am benefiting from this..its joyful this looking ! Thank you x

[alaya shunyata]

When using the I definition there is a felt sence of limitation restriction within my body a sence of being locked off separated somehow even a sence bodily of it somehow not tasting true...a feeling of incompleteness in the sence of paying attention...monotonous feeling.. when using the 'as it is' definitive .there is a bodily sensation of opening out ..meeting the experience more fully..the pours of this skin seem to open up to greet the moment there is no sence of seperation. What I mean by this is that it feels physically boundry-less. No in no out no sence of- it and I being separate.
X

[smudge]

Great, so see how thought adds an I on to whatever is already just going on anyway.

Lets take this further:Notice how choosing happens and describe what is found. Is there a choice point? things like what to drink or when to get up are good....really look at how this happens. Right now choose a number...how did choosing happen? did it?

[alaya shunyata]

No no choosing didn't happen the number just seemed to fly into my head..feels like...when I look at that process ..choosing is a habitual response .automatic. just appearing from no where.. there is a sence of knowing that doing needs to be done in the physical ..but when I look choosing or at least the sensation of choosing becomes more...space...there is a sence of knowing what needs to be done but I cannot find any substance to an actual point of choice.feels as if there is not a point of choosing.not found. X

[smudge]

Great!
Give examples of things happening with no choosing in daily life.
Is there any control at all in DE?

[alaya shunyata]

Will do taking the looking at choosing out with me to work..report later
X

[alaya shunyata]

Reporting back my experiences heres some excerpts of the evening spent looking at direct experience of not choosing. Steps are happening .movement to the car not choosing to step not choosing to steer the car ..changing gears ...eyes blinking..scanning the scenery ...breaking for a pedestrian ...looking at the road ahead ...breathing...arriving..interested in looking for choosing ..not found ..movement found responding found ..yet only as a fleeting appearance...when looking for not choosing my body and my perceptions seemed to alter in state...flow and freedom felt and a sence of expansiveness ...felt not as a seperate self ...but tacitly part of everything...in finding no choice or choosing... felt as if I had been rip curled onto a different shore..spent hours in what seemed like a slip stream of energy where there was a sence of an opening out .a fog lifted.. a burden cast aside..