Please turn the light on

[besupax]

Hi Nona,

this realization is not a big deal - in the moment! Is it? 2 hours after I wrote the e-mail to you last night, there was a shift. Nothing changed, not even `I`. Everything is the same, just total clarity on no `I`anywhere. People like me most likely come with weird expectations what this journey of `finding no self`might look like. But it`s so so simple. The shift came when you asked me, why it was more simple to not believe in Santa at some point. So, there is no self either. Okay! `I`don`t even have to give up `my`story. It`s all good! Nothing `I` can do or not do. Nothing changes, everything stays the same. Just this huge sense of how this certainty affects `my`life in future. So many things are irrelevant once and for all. And yet, clearer than ever `I`see, that I don`t know anything. `I`don`t feel more connected to anyone, but I have the present moment. I can't get carried away by some made up stories or beliefs. Although there are so many new questions now.

Warmly,
Susan

[nonaparry]

Hi Susan!

How lovely! So would you say you have seen through the illusion of the self?

Do you see that without a separate self, there is connection to and with everything? If you are not separate, can you be disconnected? from anything? ever?

How about Control? Without a separate self, is there anything directing, controlling, in charge of Life? At all?

If there is any question, go out into nature and observe; is there anything at all that is not "on auto-pilot"?

love
Nona

[besupax]

Dear Nona,

[quote]How lovely! So would you say you have seen through the illusion of the self[/quote]
Yes!

[quote]Do you see that without a separate self, there is connection to and with everything? If you are not separate, can you be disconnected? from anything? ever?
[/quote]
Yes, but this connection is not always presently felt. I still get caught up in thoughts and emotions, but reality is already changing, nothing creates a blockage anymore. It's as if life is just flowing through me. My son asked me today :"Mom, what are you?" And I said: "I am an expression of life always in the present moment." And he said smiling: " So am I. Nothing can ever separate us." I am still in the process of broadening my awareness, but everywhere I look there is nothing separate. I know fewer things than ever before. I don't know what the connection to everything forever means, but I don't care. There is no question and no need to know right now.

[quote]How about Control? Without a separate self, is there anything directing, controlling, in charge of Life? At all?
[/quote]
It's just unfolding - perfectly. There is no need for any directing, controlling or being in charge of anything.

I am just so grateful that this happened and it feels so natural, that I can't even remember how I could ever get so caught up in thoughts and emotions.

There is love and gratitude for you Nona! Thanks so much!

Susan

[nonaparry]

Hi Susan,

Yes, but this connection is not always presently felt.

Do you mean you are not always focused on the connection? The connection is always there, as your son pointed out, but we are not always focused on it, just as our feet and tongue are always there, but not always focused on.
Liberation is not a State in which focus on one thing becomes permanent; focus is changeable! Liberation is clearly observing that there is not a separate entity 'self' — not a feeling or a belief.

I still get caught up in thoughts and emotions

Yes — thoughts and emotions are part of Life living itself. The degree of our "caught-up-ness" depends on how long we have been ingraining the habits. I was 58-1/2 when I saw through the illusion; I had all those decades of habitual thought and feeling to investigate as they came up. Habit is not evidence that one has not seen through the illusion; it's evidence that one has been living in society for xx years!
Habit is strong; when you notice you are caught up in habitual thoughts and emotions, you can always return to equanimity by shifting focus to direct experience again. Just LOOK, observe with the senses. Is what thought is telling you what's really happening? Or is it just thoughts about what's happening?
Thoughts about thoughts, for example, "self", move focus further and further from what's actually happening in the moment.

I am traveling today, but when I return home this evening, I will post some further questions for you.

In the meantime, as you go about your day, LOOK at the difference between what thought says is going on and what direct experience shows you is actually going on.

love
Nona

[nonaparry]

Dear Susan,

Here are the questions I referred to earlier:

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

6) Anything to add?

with much love,
Nona

[besupax]

Dear Nona,

[quote]Do you mean you are not always focused on the connection? The connection is always there, as your son pointed out, but we are not always focused on it, just as our feet and tongue are always there, but not always focused on.
Liberation is not a State in which focus on one thing becomes permanent; focus is changeable! Liberation is clearly observing that there is not a separate entity 'self' — not a feeling or a belief.
[/quote]

You know, I guess I am still in the process of integrating what happened here with my body-mind-vehicle. Old beliefs of what awakening looks like are still falling from me and I marvel at the simplicity and beauty of what had been revealed. I totally agree with your statement. Focus is changeable and the connection is not always felt, but whenever I shift my focus it's there again.

[quote]1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever[/quote]
With 100% certainty I can say that there is no "self" as a separate being and never has been. The story of Susan's life and emotions, memories and so forth made up "me" and "I" was caught up in this story. There can't be a separate "me" as everything (as far as I can perceive it) is just arising out of nothingness.

[quote]2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
[/quote]
The illusion of a separate self is connected to thoughts, emotions and memories and starts in very early childhood. I'd say around 2-3 years of age. It's made up by the people who raise us, due to unawareness and carries on by ourselves when we were old enough to tell people stories about ourselves and are suffering to bridge the discrepancies between experience and what we think should happen or are trying to make happen.

[quote]3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.[/quote]
There is a deep peace resting in me. I notice that I seldom create any blockages during the day. I just look at what is
there at the present moment. The difference to before I started is that e.g questions that arose during seeking are totally meaningless now and that life is simple and most meaningful. The difference also is, that for the first time in my life there is no need in controlling any events. I wouldn't even say there is trust as this is totally beside the point and would involve a "me". It's just as it is. There is energy flows through my body, mostly at night that I enjoy, but don't need to give it any "special" meaning.

[quote]4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?[/quote]

I don't really know, but your question why not believing in Santa was easier for me made me shift the focus. And then there wasn't a point where I had to make a decision it just happened naturally. Evolutionary step? I love it!

[quote]5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

No! And even the so called "free will" of humans is totally meaningless now and beside the point.

[quote]6) Anything to add?
[/quote]

Yes! There is so much joy and gratitude for you, for showing me the way. Thank you for helping me see!!!

Warmly,
Susan

[nonaparry]

Hi Susan,

Thanks for your answers. I will ask some other guides to look at them and suggest whether there is anything more we ought to discuss.

In the meantime, could you give examples from experience for Question 5? However meaningless or beside the point the issue of control may be now, examples of how you see Life happens will help us to see that you're clear.

love
Nona

[besupax]

Dear Nona,

[quote]In the meantime, could you give examples from experience for Question 5? However meaningless or beside the point the issue of control may be now, examples of how you see Life happens will help us to see that you're clear.
[/quote]

I do not intend, choose, control or decide events in life. Even though it still feels like it, breaking it down to the present moment it is obvious that `I` isn`t there and consequently only living happens. There has been an incredible calm down in `me`. Live is just flowing smoothly without thoughts and emotions getting too much in the way. They come and go without creating obstacles, even in situations where before `I`would argue or fight for something.

After years of struggle and only days of little discomfort before this realization, there is doubt coming up sometimes if this can actually be real. Why would something so obvious be so well hidden from the seeker? Also there is a certain wonder of what to do with thoughts and emotions now. But, this is only a thought and takes away from the present moment, where things are just the way they are.

Love,
Susan

[nonaparry]

Hi Susan,

there is doubt coming up sometimes if this can actually be real.

Doubt if what can be real? Doubt that there is no separate entity "self"? Or doubt that SEEing it could be so simple?
Is there any doubt at all that you are not the self you once thought you are?

Why would something so obvious be so well hidden from the seeker?

Hidden in plain sight! When something goes unquestioned for an entire lifetime, it is completely overlooked; that doesn't mean it's hidden. :-)

Also there is a certain wonder of what to do with thoughts and emotions now. But, this is only a thought and takes away from the present moment, where things are just the way they are.

Thoughts arise, emotions arise; they are mind-weather, clouds in a sky. They show up, and they pass.
Is there anyone to DO anything about them? Or are they simply part of the flow, of the movement of Life?

Thank you for LOOKing.

I'm asking other guides to suggest any further questions.
love
Nona

[nonaparry]

Hi Susan,

One guide has asked how you will "cope with difficult thoughts and unpleasant overwhelming emotions when they do arise."
This is a good question — do you have any control over how you will react?
More importantly, when sensations get labeled something unpleasant, like "upset" and "suffering", does Reality actually change? How does Life work with no one in charge?

love
Nona

[besupax]

Dear Nona,

[quote]Doubt if what can be real? Doubt that there is no separate entity "self"? Or doubt that SEEing it could be so simple?
Is there any doubt at all that you are not the self you once thought you are?
[/quote]

No, there are only doubt thoughts passing by sometimes. Nothing that affects the realization in the end.

[quote]One guide has asked how you will "cope with difficult thoughts and unpleasant overwhelming emotions when they do arise."
This is a good question — do you have any control over how you will react?
More importantly, when sensations get labeled something unpleasant, like "upset" and "suffering", does Reality actually change? How does Life work with no one in charge?
[/quote]

I don`t know how life works with no one in charge. It`s living itself. And it obviously works. Why - I have no clue.
I can only guess how `I` will cope with difficult thoughts and emotions, but so far I have come to a point where emotions and thoughts are passing by and `I` remain in quite the same equanimity all the time - effortlessly. There is no doing in this - it`s just happening with no `me` in control. I expect this to be `my` new natural state of being. Even in previously perceived difficult situations `I`expect to remain in this new state of being. `I` can still connect to my story and it is still `my` life, but with no one in charge. Everything happens effortless, whereas before there was this sense of struggle all the time (with thoughts, emotions, expectations...).

Hope this answer helps.

With gratitude,
Susan

[nonaparry]

Thanks Susan!

I expect this to be `my` new natural state of being. Even in previously perceived difficult situations `I`expect to remain in this new state of being.

Liberation is not a state; states change. There is no state that is ever permanent.
What doesn't change is having seen that "self" is merely a network of thoughts that rely on one another for proof of self's "existence".
The elation that comes with seeing that there is not and never was a "self" in charge of your life will change; the peace and equanimity will be tested, buttons will be pushed. But even without peace and equanimity, Life will still be running on automatic, with everything happening effortlessly, just the same as it always has!

love
Nona

[besupax]

Dear Nona,

it feels as if I can not un-see in future that there is no me. Thanks for making it clear, once again, that states are changing and that life is just going to carry on, no matter the `mind weather`.

Is there anything else we need to discuss?

Love,
Susan

[nonaparry]

Dear Susan,

Unless you have any questions, there is nothing more we should discuss, according to the guides who have read our conversation. You will be receiving a PM inviting you to join LU groups. And I will be available to you if you have questions further on.

Welcome Home!
love
Nona