Thread for April

[April Minkler]

Back later to give this the attention it deserves. Probably Monday.
Love,
~april

[Nettie]

Cool

[April Minkler]

Wanting very much to 'complete' this verbal agreement (post every day) and finding myself (a.) late for work
(b.) in the wake of a trip to Nashville yesterday with much great experience and some unwise choices rendering this biosuit most unsuited for functional role in its chosen drama today (c.) looking at the gate behind me and mightily wishing for words to adequately convey the (loving, adventure-filled, blameless) Void "in" which the suit is dancing. Most difficult is resolution of the "story/history" of the suit's prior existence "up until now. will post again this evening. Thanks for patience. <3 ~april

[Nettie]

Dear April,
I'm not in any hurry.
Much love,
Nettie

[April Minkler]

1) No. Not now, not ever. Just the idea of one.
2) From my own experience, the illusion of the separate self begins when another person, probably older or in authority to you, told me "how" I was (good girl, bad girl, etc.) A part of 'my' identity separated from me to watch over me, guide me, keep me safe, keep me from being disapproved of. I didn't think of it as 'other' than 'me,' and yet I must have regarded it as other, as I accepted input from it as though it were another person. In time I learned about "higher self" and brought that concept in so I could trust the input I got. Over more time I invested this fragment with enough respect and attention that it developed a critical tone, and I became subservient to it. Since I regarded it as my 'higher self' it obviously knew more than I did, so I tried to obey it, but often could not anticipate what it would think of as correct. To be continued. Posting this now so I will not lose it. Will start with #3.

[Nettie]

Ok!

[April Minkler]

#3: Main difference is the construct "I" had a whole history of cause/effect, blame/consequences etc. which had piled up through my decades to be like a filing cabinet of why things are the way they are, what I did to cause them, etc. and of course what I could expect as a result of this. The feelings about all those things were stored, persisting in me like an echo of a guitar string struck...and a lot of it was based on trying to "make" "myself" "be" a good person. So my responses to anything were checked by reference to this history of stuff "inside" myself...and so none of my responses to present stimuli were in the present. Now, when I hear or read or see something that elicts an emotional response, it is a quick, short, concise response, and then it is gone. And if I notice that I am holding onto some response, when I notice it, it goes away. There is a lot more "interior" silence and space, and a lot less continuous evaluation of whether my existence permit will be renewed based on a huge set of previously existing evidence that it should not be. Renewed.

#4)I was over the edge when I first read the intro. Blindingly clear why I had never "succeeded" in "developing" my "self" - because there wasn't one! Instantly put the entire past of existence "here" into perspective. OOOOHHHHH! YES!!!!

#5) From my experience it could look like a certain 'choice' yielded a certain 'result.' That i chose as i chose does not feel like i had any 'control'. Outcome was determined by Life. While i have always had the feeling i was jumping from tussock to tussock in a swamp with unknown creepy things under the water waiting to get me, they haven't so far. What has disappeared utterly is the certainty i had that if i did or didn't do -x- that -y- would or would not happen. No emotional investment in any of the pillars i previously thought made 'me' 'who' i am...if any of this makes any sense.

6)Anything to add? THANKS! GRATITUDE! The ladies who had the courage to elucidate this work and make it available to anyone seeking it -- no product to sell -- are evidence to me of Life's magnificence and unutterable amazement and beauty. Life happening, and i being a part of Life, are absolutely sufficient for me. BEing has taken on a flabbergasting (sorry) excitement. Much Love, "~april"

Love,
NettieUser avatar
Nettie

Posts: 480
Joined: December 21st, 2012, 11:37 am
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[Nettie]

Dear April,
It has been a precious treasure to dance with you!
It has been confirmed that you have seen through the illusion of a separate self.
There are many FB groups that may be supportive for the after math and we will add you to them.
Much love,
Nettie