Hi Mike,
Just now had a chance to reply back to you!
In decision making ... is there a decider that is sitting anywhere and deciding? Or is there simply a series of thoughts that when looked at in hindsight, 'follow a decision making process'? Is there any entity managing that process or choosing any of those thoughts?
That was a helpful video, and that’s a good way of putting it: the “decider” IS a series of thoughts that, when looked at in hindsight, follow a decision making process. Some thoughts, such as “I chose that, didn’t I?”, are thoughts about other thoughts. There isn’t an entity managing or controlling that series of thoughts, but there is an awareness of those thoughts. There wouldn’t be any thoughts if there wasn’t an awareness.
I feel as if I conflate the two—thoughts and awareness. The two aren’t separate really, but I feel as if it’s useful to look at the two separately, to distinguish between them … but I have a hard time doing even that.
What is your direct experience of attention? Is 'attention' not a label for the content of awareness? so again is all there is sensations, thoughts and awareness that are in continuous change?
Yes, attention is just another word for the content (thoughts, sensations, emotions, etc) of my awareness. If I “focus” in on the sensation of one foot resting on the other, the sensation easily fades away as another becomes dominant (such as the sound of the rain outside) without me doing anything about it or deciding which sensation should occupy my “attention”. The sensations and thoughts are ever-changing, but the awareness is always there.
Go into the 'location of this thing' .. what is your direct experience of it? Look deep into this, look for this "thing", this “sense of self”. What is it? A thought, maybe a bodily sensation or feeling—look for it and break it down, divide and dissect what it really is. Describe it.
Haha, I’m not feeling that “thing” as strongly today. Regardless, I’m inclined to locate that “thing” behind the eyes and somewhere in my head … perhaps because that “thing” seems to arise at the convergence of all my physical senses, and all of those physical senses can be found in my head. That sense of self is definitely a thought, but I’ve been struggling with distinguishing thought from awareness. I have experienced awareness (mere glimpses however, for a few seconds at a time), but even when thoughts aren’t there, this unshakeable sense of an “I” still is.
Going back to an earlier suggestion of yours, I really need to start practicing resting in awareness more. *Writing a reminder to myself now*
Is it body that experiences or body too is experienced? How is body experienced?
Body itself is experienced, or exists within awareness. In a way, my body is experienced as a series of sensations (similar to the series of thoughts you mentioned earlier). Sometimes I experience the series as one cohesive whole, as a discrete “body”. Other times, especially when I close my eyes, I can experience the sensations individually.
What is going on with the "stuck" feeling? What is being directly experienced?
It seems like the “stuck” feeling arises out of my expectations … of how much “progress” I ought to be making, etc. Overall, an expectation of change isn’t being met (such as a perception shift, or deeper insight). However, that expectation is just a thought, and a pretty flimsy one at that. I can grasp onto it, believe it, and make it my reality, or I can just accept that it’s all OK, and that I’ll get “there” in time.
That feeling even manifests itself as anxiety and corresponding physical sensations. When I’m trying to answer one of your questions and I feel as if I’m not arriving at an insight, the series of thoughts quicken, my heartbeat increases, I start looking for distractions, etc. But, when I see my expectations for what they are—thoughts—it’s easier to return to the act of looking.
Thanks for posing that question.
Try this and report. Close your eyes and feel the sensation of touch on the body. Can you find (outside of thought) a boundary between feeling and what is felt? or is there simply feeling happening?
When I look past my thoughts, such as “that’s my finger touching my thumb”, and just focus on the sensation itself (pretty hard to do!) … I can’t find a boundary. It’s far easier for me too see when not looking at two things coming into contact, because my thoughts can easily proclaim “see! see! these are TWO things TOUCHING” … which is hard to look past. For example, if I just look at the dull pain in my knee, I can see that feeling is just happening.
Try this with seeing: look at the computer screen. or out the window or whatever. is there REALLY a separate thing there that is being noticed by an eye/brain? or is it just "seeing"? Where does the seeing happen? Is there a Seer, a Seeing and a Seen? Or is there just seeing?
At first everything does seem separate. For example, my blanket has a color and shape that sets it apart from the bed, which itself has a different color and shape. Everything else in my visual field is similarly layered … objects resting above, below, next to other objects. However, the fact that I can see that the properties of one thing differ from the properties of another doesn’t mean that those things are separate … from each other, or from me … especially since everything exists within my awareness. It’s very counterintuitive at first, but I can see how seeing is just happening, without there necessarily being a Seer … or the separation between Seeing and Seen. However, I think I only caught a very slight glimpse of this, and maybe it’s just an intellectual understanding for now … but I will try to sit with this more.