Guidance

[Sarah7]

Hi Radu

Yes, they do :). Yesterday evening, while reading your question 'Have you seen through the illusion Radu?’, there was an answer of yes, immediately accompanied by a “but maybe…”. Looking into this I saw pop out a couple of things.
Not sure if they are relevant or not, but I will detail them for the sake of openness.
1. While reading McKenna and listening to Norquist, I got a general impression that this thing must consume you, that the shift in perception must be violent, the self must be annihilated, its the end of my world…stuff like this; and here I am sitting in a place that seems familiar.
2. I mentioned in the beginning of our dialog that I was a passenger to my girlfriend's journey. And looking at her, at the stuff she seemingly went through…intense suffering, depression, acute dissonance and then the realisation occurred while talking to somebody on LU. And here I am…not feeling anything of this sort. Maybe some frustration, but where was my glorious demise? :)

You known what Im going to write here!!!!!
Expectations!!!!! I had also read McKenna before coming here to LU. I also expected a dramatic destruction of the I etc….!!!!! What was experienced however was something completely different.

Look at all you have written above – ultimately what are they all? Just thoughts? This experience doesn’t need thinking about – it needs looking at! So look, past the expectations, past the stories of what others have experienced or not experienced. Look at what is – not what something should be. If doubt comes up – see it for what it is. If more thoughts and stories come up – see them for what they are. Both arise in what is and neither of which is ‘you’!

Radu is made up, it is a thought.
Who's there to doubt? No one :)
I have no words. I didn't have any words last night, nor during the day.
I had a discussion with my gf and she pointed out two questions:
1. Is there a self now? 2. Has there ever been a self? - the answer came in an instant: "belief"!
Belief in a past where a self was, belief that now a self is. At the moment, this belief has been seen trough.

Beautiful! And what is belief? More thoughts????? LOL
Are you ready for the final questions?
Much Love Sarah xx

[Radu]

Hi Sarah

You known what Im going to write here!!!!!

:)), yes expectations! :D

Are you ready for the final questions?

Yes, I am.

radu.

[Sarah7]

Hi Radu
Here they are. Take your time. Answer fully please and when your done I will put them through to the other guides just to check I have not missed anything, if thats OK.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
2) 2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
3) 3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
4) 4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
5) 5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
6) 6) Anything to add?

Much Love Sarah xx

[Radu]

Hi Sarah,

Of course its ok :)
I'll go over them in the next couple of days and post back.

Have a nice evening.
radu

[Sarah7]

Will do!
Sarah xx

[Radu]

Hi Sarah,

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No, there isn't; no there never was. Saying more than this feels like diverging, so as succinct as it is, the answer is no.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

In a previous answer there was a paragraph that I wrote, and you added to it nicely:
"Belief in a past where a self was, belief that now a self is.....
...And what is belief? More thoughts????? LOL".

This I feel describes it nicely.
To this I would add the fact that the self is an experience, the experience of the separate self aka Radu. It is an experience that is present within for years, decades maybe; thus it has a sense of continuity to it, inertia. At the moment of writing this it is seen through.
An example that came up some days ago - I was talking to an acquittance and he was describing to me a video with a cat and a crying human baby that he saw, and in this video the cat made a gesture that somehow comforted the toddler and out of nowhere he said something in the lines of "the animals have a sense for these things, they can feel much more than humans do, we are so cut off from these kinds of things...bla bla" - and I saw how a belief was being formed and evolved in him while he was adding stuff to his story...and then it hit me...self formation is analogous.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days

In the past days experiences varied:
- Friday evening - super panic, intense fear when seen that there is nothing populating reality, I think Steven Norquist said something like " automatic machine-like emergence"
- Saturday - the overall state was pretty mellow.
- Saturday night - was conscious during my sleep for, what in my perception was the majority of the night. "was conscious" is not correctly put - a better way of putting it: there was only awareness, nothing else. At some point a flux of thoughts that led to heavy identification with body/mind appeared, and those caused pain , both psychological and physical, and that lasted until the morning.
- Sunday - recovered from the party from the previous night :).
With all that happened in the previous days- before there was a self that went through those things, now I see that there is no self to be part of this equation.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

I remember that realizing that the self if not my self, it is just "a self" was pretty big; i don't know why, but i had this thing looping through my mind for half a day, but I think that the thing that "pushed me over" was seeing that the self is just belief; past self is belief - thoughts. I also feel that having you Sarah, poking at my expectations helped a lot.

5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

These things - decisions, intentions, choice, control - are like arbitrary lines that somebody decides where to draw.
The line between what I consider to be in my control and what is not in my control; a line between free will and determinism....anyway; I think that there are smarter people than me that can argument much better every concept present in this question.
The way that I see it, is that there is nobody to draw that line.
Examples from my experience...hmm well there are somethings that I noticed before doing the process on LU, but those have the same texture as dreams.
In direct experience there are things emerging...

6) Anything to add?Belief in a past where a self was, belief that now a self is

Just a big thanks to you Sarah for the time you spent with me.

radu

[Sarah7]

Hi Radu.
Thanks for that. Have put you answers to the other guides and I will be back with you as soon as I can. There may be further questions if someone thinks I have missed something out or they would like some clarification on one or more of your answers, hope that is OK. So if you can keep checking in that would be lovely!
Much Love Sarah xx

[Radu]

Hi Sarah,

Thx for the info.
If there are further questions will they be posted on this thread? This way I can get notifications by mail.

[Sarah7]

Hi
Yes Radu they will. OK.
Speak soon. Sarah xx

[Sarah7]

Hi Radu

I have some questions for you if you could give me some examples for question 5: Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

Do you control anything? Do you make anything happen? If yes can you say what and if not can you say how you see this in experience.

Do you decide or are decisions just get made – can you give an example in your life of this?

Do you choose anything or do choices just get made with no you doing them? Again can you give me an example of this that you have noticed of late.

Much Love Sarah xx

[Radu]

Hi Sarah,

I won't quote all questions, but rather write the answer directly.

I cannot pinpoint a certain example to give, I’ll try and describe from direct experience…
Thoughts about choice, control, decisions etc happen, but there is no me that creates those thoughts.
Thoughts are part of what is, the actual act is part of what is, but I do not make it happen.

Exploring further:
- body related - I don’t decide to breathe, I don’t control hunger, all is automated.
- work related - I work as a software engineer, the ideas that I have about things that need to be programmed appear in direct experience. I don’t make them.

I kept looking over routine things - do I decide to move change the way I sit in my chair … no there is moving around, then sometimes a thought appears that ‘I moved’, but those are separate things.

radu.

[Sarah7]

Hi Radu
Thanks for your answers. Got one more for you.

Do actions happen because of thoughts?
Much Love Sarah xx

[Radu]

First time I read the questions mind just stopped, and then came "I don't know".
As I look I see that sometimes actions appear out of nothing, sometimes it appears that a thought precedes the actual action, sometimes action precedes thought.
I don't see them in a strict causal relationship.

radu

[Sarah7]

Hi Radu
Just to let you know I haven't fallen off the planet!
Will be with you shortly. OK.
Sarah xx

[Sarah7]

Hi Radu
Sorry about the delay.
I have a few exercises for you to look at over the next few days. I would like you to settle into ‘this’ and just look (if this ok with you that is). If you LOOK, right here and now and at any point over the next few days ...is there body/mind that is in control of anything? Report back after a few days.

Body:Look at how the body functions, how it moves, how it breathes, how it speaks, how it thinks, how it flows all with out a ‘you’.

Is it more true to say, I walk..... or walking is happening? Is the body/mind an entity that is an experiencer, or is experience just happening?

Work: Software engineer – watch the body again. See how it knows what to do, see how decisions get made; see how it does what it needs to do all effortlessly. If there is resistance see where it comes from – thoughts only.

Just look ... Is life happening TO someone? Or is life just happening? Is there a you that is experiencing anything? Or is experience just happening.

Are you the awareness that the body (physical, emotional, psychological bodies)-mind may seem to arise in?

Don’t think about any of this - LOOKING is the way to answer these questions.

Much Love Sarah xx