Dear Brigitte,
Thank you for following up – yes everything is fine, but work has been very very difficult in terms of, a particular project, time, finances and difficulties with a co-director. As the Managing Director (not my natural environment) it has been a hard time, which, depending on your view point is either a very good or very bad time to be doing this enquiry. And an hour ago another problem has landed on the desk.
Anyway I have been spending many hours resting with the final questions and despite the travails, am in quite a peaceful place.
1)Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
I have repeatedly looked and never found a separate, discrete self. As of now it actually seems a silly question to ask “is there a separate entity?” The answer comes No; of course not, how could there be? There is not a ‘thing’ which is separate from awareness i.e. not known by awareness. If there was how could it ever be known? Now, whilst this has been true for a while, upon the ‘looking’ for the separate entity; it now seems clearer or just known, without the need to especially look for it.
In respect of investigated experience, all places, shapes, and forms and thoughts are never found to be separate. All activities which could suggest a separate self, come and go – if any of them were ‘me’ it has become abundantly clear that, I could not remain when they go – and they do – but I never do. Even if they were ‘me’ they are still known by awareness.
Was there ever a separate self? Well, from memory, it seemed like there was a ‘me’ but it now seems rather a silly idea, and more so when I realise how seriously it was taken.
2)Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It varies, but generally it is a feeling or variety of feelings which combine the idea of being the body with a narrative/history, with current likes & dislikes, plans and regrets. This illusion is a sense in the background as it were, which is taken to be a unique intimate personal Identity on whose behalf, behaviours such as desire, rejection or defence/aggrandisement are played out. The arising of the illusion is often associated with emotional reactions or a story/narrative and a bodily feeling. The illusion for me starts most obviously when there is a situation with another person where there is some form of criticism /attack and the emotion arises and by habit is linked to the supposed personal self, upon whose behalf the story is being read and who purports to owner of the body where the feelings are being felt.
As I see it now, the illusion can be seen as a kind of imposter or more accurately a joke to the extent that the frequency of its emergence and the piquancy of the attached experience are both reduced. The overwhelming reaction now is ‘just don’t be daft’!
Just this afternoon there has been another problem reported from the site and the reaction has not been personal but, ok, so what is this new thing? Which is quite a change for me.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Calm, gentle and amusing – not at all like I expected! (having read various accounts from people who have been through LU). The feeling is more like “of course!”… “duh!!”, spacious, free. I notice that I am laughing more and just feel more peaceful. E.g. there was a dispute with a contractor on site, but it seemed to loose its edge or stickiness and the situation resolved without much fuss at all. Previously I know that this would have been very upsetting and disturbing for me (I have never really had very good ‘skills’ at dealing with conflict). Life moves along. Likewise at the weekend just gone, we were helping out a friend by sawing up some trees which had fallen across a public footpath. This guy walked up – clearly had a real issue about the trees blocking his path – an argument quickly ensued but rather than find it unpleasant, I found it all rather funny and the posturing seemed ridiculous.
Given that the seeing has been so gentle. I do still rather question however whether I have ‘got it’ I guess that is my nature. Being completely honest with myself, there has been a clear though subtle dissolution of the solidity of the individual self. As Blake said, As a man is so he sees – if one looks for uncertainty that what one will find. If one looks for certainty equally that will turn up.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
The last bit that pushed me over? I was sitting having a cup of tea enquiring into the nature and location of the separate self and also what I took the separate self to be. In a timeless place I realised that the thought ‘me/I’ only show up from time to time, and when it does it is in the form of a thought, referencing or claiming to reference a memory/action. I thought well that is of no greater solidity than that of the orange that I did as one of the early questions in this process. I started out by trying to see if there was any hierarchy of truth amongst different thoughts. It then struck me very clearly that like the orange fell from awareness, so to from time to time does the ‘me’. This is exactly what happens with all perceptions and all contents of awareness. Nothing is constant except the one thing that is not a thing and that is what I am. It was clear as day. I sat drinking tea just chuckling to myself.
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
6)Anything to add?
Can I answer 5 and 6 tomorrow – I need to leave to sort something out now.
Kind regards
John