Request for guidance, please.

[LAKSHMAN]

"is attention/awareness personal, can you see a you doing controlling it?"
Awareness is not personal, there is a feeling of existence/sentience, that is without identification.
Attention, I seem to be able to direct, to the breath, to senses, to and away from thoughts, or let it rest in a sense of being.

[LAKSHMAN]

"so is the separated i am an illusion?"
Clearly yes! But no, there is something which does not want to believe this. Confusing.
If there is resistance, it is from a self that does not exist, how then can it have any power?
There must be a belief in the separate self, although all evidence when looked, points towards there not being one.
Feeling a bit mad. I am just going to put the attention on what is here and now.

[Canfora]

Maybe attention is focus of awareness.

Maybe attention is a label for something we both can't understand with thinking. Let's just keep moving :)

I'm trying to go through this thoroughly, I don't want to just agree with you.

Perfect. Don't believe in second hand thoughts!

Where is the person?
Three modes of experience; sensations, thoughts, presence.
Take these away, but leave the body functioning. What do you have?
Body in a coma?
Where is the person? Where was the person with all the modes of experience?

Picture yourself in your kitchen looking to a cup. Then you grab the cup, take it to the bathroom and forget the cup there. When you enter the kitchen again, is anything missing? Did the cup leave a hole where it was?

If the separated I never existed, if body is functioning without an I, if coma or death happens how can what never existed disappear?

Mind is going a bit mad at times;
Have I got it?
Is this it?
No, because there is a me to get it/not get it.

If you try to figure this with thinking, confusion is very likely to happen. Confusion it's a good sign that you're really looking.

Mind can’t see this – it can feel like a puppy chasing it's tail or a russian doll where you open one and there's always another inside - until the moment you see that all of them are empty :)

Attention, I seem to be able to direct, to the breath, to senses, to and away from thoughts, or let it rest in a sense of being.

As you say, in experience attention focus in objects.

See if there is a you doing/controlling the focus or if the focus happens and a thought takes ownership of that.

What is real:

A you with the capacity to move attention to "your" hand or

- looking to hand happening + thought "I'm looking to my hand. I seem to be able to direct my attention."

- thought "I'm going to look to my hand" followed with looking to hand happening followed with thought "I'm looking to my hand. I seem to be able to direct my attention."

If there is resistance, it is from a self that does not exist, how then can it have any power?

Welcome resistance, accept it. Then look beyond it. What is there? Can you see a you resisting?

You're doing great!

[LAKSHMAN]

Hi Sandra, thank you for the care and time you are devoting to this.

"What is real:"
I'm not getting total clarity on this, there seems to be the capacity to move attention to the hand, both with sight and feeling. Also looking at hand happening as pure observation.
If there was no intent, why would I look at my hand?
The intent, however, does not need any "me".

The last statement you made: "-thought "i'm going to look at my hand....." Seems to be accurate. (still don'i know how to use the quote function :-)

A "me" resisting, in this moment, seems kind of laughable!

[Canfora]

Hi, Shannon.

If there was no intent, why would I look at my hand?

Is intent needed for anything to happen or Life is just happening perfectly?

The last statement you made: "-thought "i'm going to look at my hand....." Seems to be accurate.

Keep looking. Can you see a you doing anything or things happen and thought tells a tale about it?

Please tell me what is happening Shannon. Is anything changing? Are you still expecting expectations to came true? Are you looking at the Gate and seeing it's non existance?

Sending love.

[LAKSHMAN]

Still looking!

Intent:
If there was no intent, why would I do this process? The intent to free myself from an idea of separate self. The intent, however, may not be personal, it may have just popped up from nowhere.

What is happening in my experience:
There are expectations of what the experience of being "liberated" is. These fade in and out, or appear before me as thoughts in this moment.

I can't honestly tell if thoughts engender actions or feelings, or if things happen and thoughts tell a tale about it.

There is a clarity about thoughts: a memory from the past or a projection into the future, is a thought happening now.There is no possibility of anything happening, being perceived, outside of the now That nothing happens outside of the now. That this is all that exists.
An expectation, judgement, as a thought appears; "why isn't it totally amazing?"
In general the experience is untroubled, aware of what is, a clear perception of what actually exists in this moment. Just this bloody expectation!!!

Will continue looking, and will report to you.
Gratitude is felt.

[LAKSHMAN]

The intent clearly is not personal, the "person" who started this process of enquiery does not exist. Only the "person" (awareness, senses, thoughts/emotions) sitting here at the computer exists.

[LAKSHMAN]

A "Gate" is not an idea I have. But there is a notion that something must be "broken through", "seen through" or "dropped" for.... For what? For what? I don' know. It seems silly now that I write it.
There are tears, and I don't know why.

[LAKSHMAN]

I start to write things, then delete them!
Everything seems to be fine. There is only experiencing.
Waves of stuff come and go.

[Canfora]

Shannon, are you seeing that "I" is just a thought? It may feel like to simple to be truth, just a little change in perspective, but when it is seen there is no way back, it's always there anytime you look.

A walk in nature can be a good idea, just watch Life unfolding, see how everything depends on everything else. Let this settle for a bit, relax, be kind to yourself and if some questions keep coming up we can look at them.

Sending love.

[LAKSHMAN]

Hi Sandra. Thanks.
Yes, I'm going to sit with this for a while.
Speak tomorrow.

[Canfora]

Hi Shannon, how are things going?

[LAKSHMAN]

Hi Sandra.
"Am I seeing that I is just a thought?"

All my past experiences don't exist, the person who had them doesn't exist. This person is a thought.
All my future experiences do not exist, the person who will have them doesn't exist. This person is a thought.
In this moment, only what I can perceive, can I say exists without doubt: senses/sensations, thoughts/emotions and a sense of presence.
In this sense, it must be said that I is a thought.

"How are things going?"

The experience is not totally of well-being. There has been restlessness, a pressure in the head, this alternates with a kind ok blankness.
I'm not involving in any stimulus, activity or interaction.
Im staying with observing what is being experienced.
Will keep you updated.

[LAKSHMAN]

That was supposed to say "kind of blankness" not "kind ok blankness", but I guess blankness is kind of ok.

[LAKSHMAN]

Insight! Looking, looking, looking for something which I know does not exist (separate identity "I") is a pointless and frustrating exercise! Place the attention on the sense of presence, and there is peace, well-being. :-)