The Gate

I apologize for not posting over the weekend. My daughter has a real high fever and i havent had a second. I will be sure to have a post in by tonight.

No need to apologize, at all!

Hope your daughter is doing better...

I was looking for something inside somewhere.

That sums it up nicely, hahaha...

Nothing is there that I can call the self. Nothing at all to find.

What would qualify as a self?
What is the self that cannot be found?

There are anxious thoughts, there is a sensation in the stomach seeming to be connected to anxious thoughts, a cool feeling on the forehead, hearing of the tv, hearing of crickets outside, feeling of the ground under the feet, couch against the back- but no, no canvas.

Yes...

Next time this sensation in the stomach appears, give it space. Allow it to be completely and utterly present. No reservations, all of it, completely. Welcome it. Feel it. Fully. Invite it closer. What is behind that sensation? This anxiety- what is it protecting? What is being shielded here?

What is knowing or believing something. It seems nothing is. Just thoughts. Like, I believe a guitar is a guitar because thought tells a story based on experience that it is a guitar. It's a label that thought puts on it. Thought seems to be the root of any belief or knowledge.

If there is no canvas, then it's all just experience. I is an experience too. Thoughts.

A lot of doubtful thoughts right now though. A lot. Like thought does not want to let go of this belief.

Is thought a conscious entity, holding on to a belief? Wanting or not wanting something?
What is it that is thinking these thoughts?
What is it that appears to be holding on to this belief?

Just spent a good part of the day in the hospital for my daughter. Shes ok though. I will respond asap tomorrow. I just want to say thank you though for the guidance. I really appreciate it.

Glad to hear your daughter is ok!

Take all the time you need, I'll be here....

Next time this sensation in the stomach appears, give it space. Allow it to be completely and utterly present. No reservations, all of it, completely. Welcome it. Feel it. Fully. Invite it closer. What is behind that sensation? This anxiety- what is it protecting? What is being shielded here?

It isn't shielding anything, it just is. Just a sensation.

Is thought a conscious entity, holding on to a belief? Wanting or not wanting something?
What is it that is thinking these thoughts?
What is it that appears to be holding on to this belief?

Thoughts just pop up and disappear one after another. No thinker. No controller. No thing there to think. Belief could be just thought or memory. No believer. Memory seems to be separate from the thought stream, but no memorizer.

Simple question:

do you exist?

No.

But what is watching? It can't be described. It's not I. But what is it?

Is any thing watching at all?

Look! What's going on here?

No. No thing is watching.

Definitely no I watching aka no watcher. "Watching" for lack of a better word is just happening.

Where's the big burst of light and infinite bliss!! lol

I find that mood is fluctuating between a feeling of elation to depression with no cause over the last few days. My daughter was watching some show earlier w music and out of nowhere i started dancing and was so happy, then transition to feeling too much energy inside so much that my body was shaking and had to sit down. In the course of this post feelings of overall sadness for no reason to just peaceful.

Hey Kason,

For some reason I didn't recieve the notifications for your replies, sorry for the delay and thanks for your responses.

No. No thing is watching.

Definitely no I watching aka no watcher. "Watching" for lack of a better word is just happening.

Where's the big burst of light and infinite bliss!! lol

Hehe, well who knows what lies around the corner?

I find that mood is fluctuating between a feeling of elation to depression with no cause over the last few days. My daughter was watching some show earlier w music and out of nowhere i started dancing and was so happy, then transition to feeling too much energy inside so much that my body was shaking and had to sit down. In the course of this post feelings of overall sadness for no reason to just peaceful.

Wel... It's just like... life. These experiences come and go. On their own. Just let it happen, sometimes this process can bring up some old, stuck energies and emotions. It will smooth out.

So, where are we now? Seems like something has clicked here, am I right?
Are you ready for some final questions?

Im not sure. I have such strong doubt or should i say thoughs of doubt are appearing and yet when i is looked for in direct experience its not there but the doubt constantly comes.. The doubt is that im missing something or that its understood intellectually but still not known...does that make sense?

Yes, that makes perfect sense. Thanks for being honest.

Although the intellectual clarity is important, it is not sufficient. It's a first step, as it were.

Let's adress the doubt. What is missing exactly?

There's no clarity. Thoughts come that this should be known 100 percent at all times. Some days the notion that there is no self is clear or feels that way deeper than thought.

It's a vague unexplainable doubt.

Maybe it's doubt that thought does not have a controller. Thoughts appear and disappear. Decisions though, like simple decisions such as turning the music in the car off or even awareness of thought. There's thought that there is some form of control there.

There's no clarity. Thoughts come that this should be known 100 percent at all times. Some days the notion that there is no self is clear or feels that way deeper than thought.

It's a vague unexplainable doubt.

It's important to adress this, because this proces is not intended to lead you to some kind of vague notion, theory or intellectual persuasion. What is being pointed to here is a direct, clear and profound seeing of reality. No doubt, no vagueness or fuziness- the actual, concrete in-your-face-obviousness of the here-and-now.

You either see it or you don't.

Simple as that.

When it is seen, it is clear that it is seen, and it can never be un-seen. Impossible.

That being said, the mind loves to complicate this. In fact, that is precisely what the mind is and does: create complexity where in fact there is utter simplicity. It creates duality where in fact there is none.

So, strange as this may sound: this is NOT a mental thing. thoughts, theories and speculations are included, but the liberating insight is before all that. It is more visceral.

Let's continue looking, shall we?

Maybe it's doubt that thought does not have a controller. Thoughts appear and disappear. Decisions though, like simple decisions such as turning the music in the car off or even awareness of thought. There's thought that there is some form of control there.

Sure there is some form of control. No one is denying that.
It is obvious that there is volition here, no? Left or right? Pizza or pasta? Yes or no?

There is a will here, sure.
Big question is: whose will is it?
More directly: is there a who at all?
What is a who?