Hi Kim,
I'm not satisfied. I mean I have seen it, but still have a lot of doubts.
I really think we have to look at what you mean here. You have SEEN it. That's great, that's what we've been working for throughout this thread. But you have "a lot of doubts". So, how can that be, if you know you've seen through the illusion of a separate self? Let's break this down.
Now, there can be doubt about whether you're sure you actually could not find a self-entity in any of the areas of direct experience, or you may have seen no self anywhere but still be assailed by recurrent doubts that you've really "got it".
From what you say,
I have seen it
and
One of the doubting narratives is telling me that I wanted it to be true so much, that I wasn't honest enough when answering your questions about not finding a self in different areas and thats why I can't be sure now.
That's a bit puzzling; either you did see that there's no " I" or you didn't. Which is it? Going back through the thread, we've looked at every area thoroughly; looking at the self as experiencer of sense arisings, doer, chooser/decider, controller, thinker and as body. To me, from all of you answers, you seemed certain, based on your direct experience, that there is no self to be found in any of these areas. However, to be sure, I posed the questions in the post dated 9 August which covered all possible areas again, followed by my questions the following day from a different perspective, all to make sure that all bases had been covered and there was no doubt about any self existing anywhere in direct experience. There appeared to be none. Don't get me wrong, I totally agree that you should be absolutely sure about this and not just rely on memory. I continue to look for self in direct experience regularly to refresh things. Why not? So, what I recommend is that you go through all the areas of direct experience again and really LOOK, LOOK, LOOK to see if you can find a "me" anywhere at all to erase all trace of this doubt. The questions from my 9 August post seem ideal for this.
As to the other, "insidious doubt", as I've stressed before, thoughts, including doubts about whether you've really seen through the illusion of self will continue to pour forth. I still get them, less and less so, but they still come. There's nothing wrong with thoughts, so long as we see them for what they are. They are part of life, part of living, but they aren't real in the sense that they are simply conceptual distillations of past experiences (immediate, recent and distant) suffused with selfish desires, opinions, judgements etc. Best taken with an enormous pinch of salt! We can either believe these, entailing and relying on yet more thoughts, or see them for what they and have faith in our direct experience of what's happening in this moment.
Remember what I said about expectations and states of mind at the beginning - they are definitely not at all helpful.
I hope all's going well.
Love, Pete