Looking for a guide

[Jaya]

Dear Skye,
I am really sorry but I am struggling with the quotes. Tried to look on the link from your first communication but seemed unable to get to it .. can you advise.

I was blown away by the 'you are not lost in thoughts; thought overlays awareness' I seemed to know instantly that that was true!! How did i not see that!!! but am struggling to find this awareness. My current experience has been quite quiet. It feels like I am being very mindful in myself. The thoughts have quieten down, there is a sense of being, but also a sense of I dont know what to do with myself. I keep looking and trying to see, I cannot seem to pin down what see's, I listen to sound but there is still a filter there. Intellectually that makes sense that there is no me, I also feel like moments of space and then my mind is off, i label it thought and then it goes there is a 'beingness' but that does not seem to sustain. Currently there is also a sense of boredom and then a thought of can 'I' do this ...... and sensations in the body follow.. or vice versa.

Have been trying to be more aware in sleep and there does seem to be some awareness there but its bitty! shall try again tonight. I must say feeling like a bit of a hopeless case! but saying that things in my mind feel quieter and slightly more spacious. Nothing else to report really other than this.
love jaya
p.s.- friend thing will get there in the end I am sure, however it is.

[clearskye]

Jaya,
quoting: highlight the text you want to quote, and press control/C to put it on the clipboard. Open the full editor. Put your cursor where you would like the quote to go, and press the quote button above. Then place your cursor between the center brackets of the quote formatting ][ and press control/V to paste the text there. Does that help?

You are struggling to find this awareness because it is unfindable. It is not an object with qualities. You can only be this awareness.

Boredom arises because the mind wants something to do--its need is to stay busy. It isn't satisfied with the present moment just as it is.

All is just right, Jaya. You are moving along fine.
Relax!!
with love,
Skye

[Jaya]

Dear Skye,
here goes

You are struggling to find this awareness because it is unfindable. It is not an object with qualities. You can only be this awareness.

Today has on and off felt a bit of a low day, this has come and gone, I have tried to be with sensation watching the thought and then the labelling and the sense of 'i feel low'. I think there is also a confusion and a not knowing and a desire to be free. Its does seem on occasion like 'i am awareness' but i also know that doesnt make sense. Awareness does seem to be there and informs 'me' on occasion of things.. which doesnt seem to be me.. not sure that makes sense. Awareness doesnt seem so confined to my body as before there is a longing for a more spacious being, but there is more space in my experience than before.

Have noticed things happening, my body goes and gets something and 'I' have not been there! I am unsure how to be with 'this awareness' without appropriating it!

Boredom arises because the mind wants something to do--its need is to stay busy. It isn't satisfied with the present moment just as it is.

Not felt that much boredom, trying to unlabel the labelling and just be! these are my thoughts so far, going to try and be in meditation and see what else arises.
love jaya

[Jaya]

sorry forgot to say

you can only be this awareness

i realise that I do not fully know how to do that!!
thoughts of doubt arise, will I know, with awareness dawn and a knowing that I am not needed in the picture. Have tried to be with sounds not appropriating that, with some success, if i can be in the gap and not label. Hoping for a big experience of knowing is that what the waiting is about?

more random thoughts to follow, feels so hard to be with 'bare experience'. This sense of self is feeling more attenutated but think it was easier when it felt more 'grosser' if you know what i mean

hope you well
love jaya

[clearskye]

i realise that I do not fully know how to do that!!

Jaya,
You cannot BE anything but that. You are that, even as you think that you are not. How could you be anything other than what you natively are? Turn and look!

Doubt is just a thought. Thoughts come and go. They are completely unreliable.

In this moment, I am very well.
With love,
Skye
PS enjoying this process with you...

[Jaya]

Dear Skye,

glad i can do the quote things now.

You cannot BE anything but that. You are that, even as you think that you are not. How could you be anything other than what you natively are? Turn and look!

Right have been blowing with the wind, thanks for your messages which are really encouraging! Last night and this morning have felt beset by thoughts, sensations, thoughts, fantasy and a very strong sense of me. Felt like something fighting back, must be 'ego'.

So I hope that slowly things are changing.. what is very slowly dawning is that there is only sensation and direct experience, thoughts cover over this something, awareness, consciousness, 'beingness' and lead to construction of another reality! this reality is really not real. This construction leads to the an appropriating and a sense of 'me', when there is just being there is freedom. I am writing this to make it clearer for myself i think. Small glimpses and really trying to work with just 'being', 'awareness'. Intellectually very slowly getting there more and more, trying to relax the mind and not ask thought for answers that is where i get lost. Sensation and thoughts in the body persist with an attenuated sense of self, but when i look into that it shifts.
wondering whether i need more space in my life to do this?

love jaya

[clearskye]

Jaya,

wondering whether i need more space in my life to do this?

Absolutely not.
This living understanding is available to each of us--all seven billion--in the middle of life's maelstrom. My first teacher used to say, "little glimpses, many times." We've been practicing these patterns of believing in a separate self for decades. Why do we think the grooves would dissolve in an instant? The understanding can come, but the body and its patterns are slower to change.

I experience thoughts, sensations, and a sense of "me." The difference is, I no longer believe it... I've seen, in my direct experience, that the "me" is false--it's the mind labeling what you too have seen: there is only sensation and direct experience.
Hang in there, and continue to notice what is true in your direct experience, and what are simply old beliefs, and continue to report as you are.
with love,
Skye

[Jaya]

Dear Skye,

continue to notice what is true in your direct experience, and what are simply old beliefs, and continue to report as you are.

many thanks and thoughts of gratitude! really appreciate you hanging on in there in this process. Currently feeling more spaciousness in the body (some of the loss of the relationship having been processed) and feelings of excitement currently! It feels like it has been a very slow process to be with 'direct experience' it taking ages to get what the being is/awareness/consciousness. In my meditation earlier, was focusing on my hands and there was just sensation, the labelling of the hand is thoughts but the direct experience is just different sensations!! the body is just another label!! anyway mind blowing stuff for little me!! Trying to see the label of self is adding to nearly all experience which is unnecessary! but not there just yet in direct experience.

My thoughts and therefore conceptualisation cover everything!! feeling like i am understanding more this 'direct experience' stuff. So currently the wind has changed and feeling more positive and that although this might be a long process there is another way of being. So this trying to relax and therefore feeling slightly less grasping and pushing to try and have another experience!! I am sure all will change by tomorrow but this is the story so far!!
Had a lovely evening with a friend talking about 'emptiness'.
much love jaya

[clearskye]

Ah, I love those emptiness conversations--some of my very favorite.

Remember not to condition the moment by saying "this might be a long process." Jaya, we simply do not know, and either way, of no importance. Takes what it takes...
with love,
Skye

[Jaya]

Hello can't sleep, who sleeps!! Everything in this moment just is!! Strange.. Energy sensations in body, awake no current reference of self just calmness!! Mind quiet currently no reference points!! Heart beats.. Just isness..
Nothing else to say!!
Love jaya

[clearskye]

Rest there!
With love,
Skye

[Jaya]

Hello,
not sure what to write, need to see what work is like. Don't really know what to write or to describe, awareness of thinking/expectation that this might be different, maybe this will all change. Currently mind feels spacious, sensations in the body, thought there would be a big 'ahh ha' but actually there feels like a subtle shift of 'beingness'. A sense of not wanting to write 'I' no desire to make any claims but a desire to communicate, sense of strangeness, is it strangeness or a subtly shift in being. All that comes up is 'nothing special' going nowhere!! no need to do anything but shall be getting ready for work and that feels fine too.
Shall try and report in at work and report in on this openness. Amasingly no doubt right now!! that's not me ;-)
much love

[clearskye]

Love "nothing special going nowhere!"

Hope your workday is good. What do you do?
With love,
Skye

[Jaya]

Dear Skye,
thanks for your response

we simply do not know, and either way, of no importance. Takes what it takes...

I think that really opened things up. Currently experience still feels very open, very hard to put into words but there is just 'beingness'. In some ways nothing is very different, laughing, smiling interacting but currently there is just this openness and also just lack of reference to a self. Mind very quiet currently not really labelling things, see things they just are. Expectations where that there would be this sense of 'oneness' with everyone that is not in direct experience? things continue to happen and just are, it feels very subtle although have laughed on occasion.

Mind on occasion still uses labels for 'I', 'me' but in my beingness this is not occuring, somehow there is not this continuing referencing back to 'i'?

Just got your message working in mental health running groups and courses for folks who poorly :-)
love jaya

[Jaya]

p.s could it be this simple!?!