Hey Zena,
All of the oscillation you are going through is fine, and may I say you are doing REALLY well, especially since there is a lot of stuff coming up to the surface.
Night time is still very difficult. There is obviously still a 'who' to get caught up in fear thoughts--cannot find that 'who' whenever I look.
Good, so when you look, there is no such thing. Now you have to ask yourself honestly, is there an actual separate self in Life?
There may be an appearance of a 'who', or a sense of self, but is there an ACTUAL who?
Really look deeply and confirm for me if there is an ACTUAL separate self.
Because of the further insight attained 2-3 days ago (I spoke of in my last longer post) in looking for a separate self, finding no such thing no matter what mind is up to, and also immediately see the mind trying to control things. Its easier to blow that off. There was one night of no fear or worry thoughts/images or body sensations of contraction, and noticing that and how mind wants to direct that. and the oscillation is no big deal at this moment of writing and in noticing that yesterday and last night as a presence of knowing' without a 'me' there. hard to explain this at times.
No, there is not an actual who, yesterday there was the appearance of a sense of self, an appearance of a 'crisis story' but when I checked in in the one time, there was no who.
The body is over and over again believing the thoughts, and coming out of sleep--then when fully felt the constriction in chest passes. Exhausting. Full surrender just is, but either there is a residue of habit thought forms, or there is not full surrender. I give up.
Check to see if the body actually 'believes' thoughts? or if thoughts just occur sometimes along with other sensations such as constriction. Simply notice in d.E.
Yes... just give up :) It's alright.
This is immensely helpful! Always need to come to the dE (starting to be more automatic) doing this last night, indeed there was no 'my body' believes thoughts. Thoughts were there, simply there and gone and constrictions were simply there and gone!
Yeah, there is not a 'who' and this is absolutely NOT 'my life.'
I mentioned last night that in moment while typing answers there was no process 'getting me somewhere.' That is thought saying that 'of course this is a process! Already chose to 'end it all' (surrender the illusions) and just look, still holding on!'
When 'meditating' this is true that there is no self as well.
Right now frustration is true...whenever I really look there is no 'I.' So, mind is expecting something....(wouldn't an NDE be nice at this point? Just kidding :)
The dropping of expectations is occurring without having tried...noticed this the last 2 days. The noticing of thought stories (a sticky one yesterday) oscillations were actually noticed.
When I asked if there is ever a self even when not looking or meditating there
was a 'jolt' of recognition that there is never a self. This occurred 3-4 days ago and again now. Am noticing that all of this is becoming more natural. :) and at same time the oscillation is natural.
Well, what is still holding on? Hell if I know. Must be 'subconscious core beliefs.' Don't know, because when I look at beliefs like 'unworthy', loser, failure, unloveable...there is no self there.
This is a GREAT question. Ask yourself this question, and notice if there is anyone or anything that can hold on? And while it may be good if you are speaking to a psychologist to talk about 'unconscious and core beliefs', you are ready to leave behind ANY and ALL assumptions and investigate directly. Look at this 'unworthy, loser, unlovable failure'... is it EVER more than just a thought-story? an image? Look right at this image and see if there is an actual self there. Hone your investigation and make your focus like a laser beam. Falsify the assumption that there is an "I" or a "WHO" who suffers.
Good, your investigation is REALLY thorough, and oscillation is totally nature, but gently always bring back attention to the here and now. 'Frustration' is a label, so gently drop that and notice if there is anyone or anything that is frustrated?
NOTHING THERE TO BE FRUSTRATED
You said that whenever you look there is no "I", and in meditation there is no "I" - yes... but now really hone in focus and ask yourself...
is there EVER a self even when NOT looking, and when NOT meditating. Is it possible that there is NEVER a self?
And in terms of expectations, you can just gently drop those anytime... as you have noticed Zena... it is JUST a thought-story, and while that is perfectly fine, attention is always brought back to the simplicity of here and now, and investigating d.E. That will ALWAYS serve you, even after initial insight/Awakening :)
good question indeed. there can appear to be something holding on, as if it is real. but when noticed, it simply is not true. the falsifying of the assumption i spoke of the other day is still 'intact', and got 'tested' yesterday. That is, there is no 'me' or 'I' that suffers...this was seen at times yesterday-- it is just an image or thoughts or sensations, even when a full blown appearance of a 'crisis story'(family member) is happening, I was able to notice that it was a story--there was a lack of suffering noticed in this and wondered about. There was noticing of suffering/identification as well. it was all seen as ok.
yes, yes a lot is coming up to the surface and seen.
Night time, the mind was very active, but yet 'in the background' no self or 'I'--do you know what i mean? focusing now on 'in the background' and asking the qs, is there a what or who in the background, it is felt that this term is about an all abiding awareness, but not sensed by a 'me'--its just there. once again, how to explain?
last nite, body felt constrictions but not identified with the thoughts. noticing the thought story and whether or not there was identification with it--sometimes yes, sometimes no, it is known that it is a story even though words are coming out of the mouth that appear to be identified with the story. :) both happening at once.
during the day yesterday, it was difficult to bring attention to the simplicity of the here and now except for when i managed to go for a walk in the woods. As I type here it is not difficult to be in the now, and there are no expectations either. there are thoughts coming and going, some of which are worry thoughts, but there is no 'me' as the author of these thoughts. there is a calmness, a sense of peace as the movie is played....comings and goings, movements, sounds, smells...Life happening.
thoughts are dismissed more easily in general, stories were seen but was noticed that frustration was not there. constriction was not identified with as fear. yet sleep was very elusive. noticing the expectation that sleep 'should' have been better, and dropping it. dropped the frustration of that. slowly dropping things but also sensing this instantaneous knowing happening.
Frustration is effort? Don't have anything else to say.
Have a good T day, Cosmik.
Zena, you are doing extremely well... yet I gotta keep pushing you :)
Something else: Do I have to put effort into staying in the space of no 'I'? If I am already are in the space of no I... it has always been there eternally...Just a thought of an 'I' to 'mess with' it... Never trust anything. When I become aware that the 'me' comes in,then I am checking it as the experience of now.
There is a body here, but it is not my body experiencing chest constriction. Believing it is MY body all this time. this is almost too much to handle right now. :(
Again... you are doing really well. You can just relax and gently notice. Close eyes and notice how there is just an Experiencing, a seamless flow, with no separate experience-er :)
When you are doing your daily things that you do, just notice that it is ALL happening without a separate doer / You... it is a simple and subtle shift in perception. It is like noticing a pattern in a carpet... once you have noticed it, you cannot un-notice it. This is CONSTANTLY overlooked by the complicated self-referencing loops from Thought. This Truth is very simple, so simple that there is a struggle to understand it at first. Stay focused no matter what, on your wonderful absence :)
Now it is gone that 'it is too much to handle.' it just happened that there was a relaxation in last 2 days, and gently noticing actually did happen. reading your words there is a recognition of that.
a seamless flow...that is sensed now with absolutely no separate self experiencing.
Thanks for your last paragraph above. It is so simple, I see that. Mind cannot be in this space but wants to.
Thank you Cosmik
Can it be that 'terror and fear arises in losing the ‘I’ but it is usually a case of expectations that the self will be annihilated and is just the ego/mind doing its job of ensuring survival.
the terror and the fear is built around the assumption that there is an "I" that is dying... yet as you can see from d.Experience, always, there is NEVER an "I" there :) NEVER was... NEVER will be :) there is Aliveness, Experiencing, yet the fiction of separation is only in thought.
tears here :)
It is also possible that after seeing through the illusion that some deep-seated issues may come to the surface to be cleared once and for all.'
Yes it is possible and completely normal for this to happen. Yet, our focus here is on seeing through the assumed core, the assumed you that has some issues. This key insight destroys the foundational illusory binding to an illusory 'You'. Once the foundation crumbles, everything else will, and Life will sort itself out - We also have groups to look at post-Gate (as we call them) issues, yet it is my main focus to keep you focused on this simple investigation.
Spoke of this in my post about 3 days ago. It was an insight that changed something. That core issues thing has dropped away. Mind had a clever one there. This must be what is spoken of as 'waking up from the dream story.'
Something I read, and feels like all of it is correct! I have listened to a lot of non-dualism teachings before I came here, and maybe that is contributing to some confusion or overload.
Soon you will come to see that you require no 'teachings', and that if anything, you need pointers and challenges which you can just verify in direct Experience :)
So I've given lots of angles there. Get back to me when you've had a chance to investigate and respond to those questions directly,
