The Gate

Hi Angelika,

That does sound promising! As you say, tomorrow do reflect on the questions/'lookings' I mentioned. Really focus - don't take any notice of what the mind 'says' or any 'questions' it may come up with. Just looking - give it as much attention as possible. But notice too that all these sense-arisings are completely effortless, 'you' don't have to do anything for them to arise.

Kind regards,

John

Hello John,

Today is a rather busy day here. Due to this I have not had too much time to reflect on the questions.

However, there is a continuous natural pull to return to direct experience. It reminds me to a child that is in the process of learning how to walk. They love to exercise "endlessly."

Direct experience works best for me in nature, although I return to it, as it comes to my mind.

A thought arose in me that the "connection" is still very fragile. The thought was followed by a fear that I would get lost once more in the illusion of ego self.

This morning a challenging situation came up and I experienced entanglement in emotions.
After a relatively short period of clock time, Peace returned. During the day joys arises and dissolves impulsively.

I wanted to share also, that I have slept in the last few days between 9 - 11 hours a day, which is quite uncommon for me.

Now I return to yoga.

Please know, that I am endlessly grateful for your assistance!

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

Hi Angelika,

It's just everyday life isn't it - all those things will continue to happen whether it's known directly that there's no 'self', or not.

That the 'connection is fragile' is only a thought. Just as 'my self' is only a thought.

After a relatively short period of clock time, Peace returned. During the day joys arises and dissolves impulsively.

This is it - it just happens, comes and goes with no-one doing it. Life happening all by itself.

Something is definitely shifting, I sense, so just keep on with the looking, with confidence.

Warm wishes to you,

John

Hello John,

I want to start with a brief summary of a dream I had last night.
By writing "had" I realize that I am not the dream nor the dreamer, it simply turned up. That is all.
May I share it nonetheless, alright?

A friend of mine and I walked through the very quarter of the city I was born in.
On the left side of the road we saw a housing area that was rather poor looking.
As we walked further down the hillside, on the right side of the road all of the sudden a complex of buildings of extreme harmony and beauty arose.
I have never been aware of this complex before.
I told my friend, this is where I want to live.

We went to the municipal to inquire what it would take to live there.
The authority told us, that by no means I would have what it takes to be allowed in there.

Sadly we left the office and walked further downhill, when I saw a stranger passing by and I knew that he was living in this complex. A feeling of inferiority flooded me.

My friend and I decided to build such a complex ourselves. (In every day life she works as an architect and I used to work as a real estate project developer)

Back to the dream sequence, I started investigating on the founder of the complex to be able to learn from him.

At this point I woke up.


I experienced a strong feeling of sadness that went on for maybe 30 minutes. I got caught in this emotion.
At one point I asked myself, who is feeling this sadness. And the answer was, "I do not know."

I got up and went outside the house, I live in, to have coffee.
While sitting outside my attention was drawn to clouds, trees, birds, etc.
I asked myself, who is listening and the answer is, "I do not know".

I cannot find anyone .... anything that I can identify as the listener, the one who experiences scents, the observer, and so on.

Peace returned.

After a while I decided to do the dishes. While cleaning up I asked myself, who is cleaning up? Once more I could not find the one who is cleaning up.
I recognized that it does not matter what "I " do.

To experience the doing is what "matters".

I return now to direct experience and to the questions.:)

I can´t thank you enough for leading me in this experience.

With utter gratefulness,

Angelika

A PS: The illusion of ego self rebuilds so fast with me, isn´t it?

Hello Angelika,

Whatever happens in dream or waking is entirely empty of any ‘self’ – pleasant and unpleasant emotions and thoughts arise and pass, appearances arise and pass. No-one has ever ‘done’ or ‘experienced’ any of this.

At one point I asked myself, who is feeling this sadness. And the answer was, "I do not know."

I got up and went outside the house, I live in, to have coffee.
While sitting outside my attention was drawn to clouds, trees, birds, etc.
I asked myself, who is listening and the answer is, "I do not know".

I cannot find anyone .... anything that I can identify as the listener, the one who experiences scents, the observer, and so on.

This is great! ‘I do not know’ – exactly! Keep the focus on that ‘not knowing’.

I recognized that it does not matter what "I " do.

To experience the doing is what "matters".

‘I’ can never know, or do, or experience anything, because 'I' is literally nothing but the thought of 'I'. Thoughts cannot think, act, or cause action - thoughts are not aware.

Remember: ‘flower’ is a thought that refers to something perceived – something real.
‘Government’ is a conventional thought that refers to an entity that cannot be found as such, but nevertheless is real (in that the 'parts' that make it up are genuine).
‘I’ is a thought that refers to something that is not real, to no-thing whatsoever.

I got caught in this emotion.

What this actually means is that an emotion and associated thoughts occupied awareness for a while – ‘I’ didn’t get caught up because 'I' doesn’t exist.

I asked myself

And what this means is that a question arose. ‘I’ didn’t ask it, and ‘myself’ didn’t respond to it.

These are just conventions of language – of course. But it’s still not clear to me that you’re beyond being taken in by them.

So keep on looking – it’s going well. It’s the simplest thing imaginable: I am not. Never was. Never will be.

Very best wishes,

John

Hello John,

I wanted to submit my answer, pressed the wrong button and all content was gone.

:)

I will return later today to rewrite my answer.

Very sincerely,

Angelika

Oh dear! I write my posts on my word processor, save as I go and then paste them here when it's done - that way, it can't be lost!
John

Hello John,

Here I am again. :)

I opened word pad and will copy what I wrote to WP, since I prefer to write here on LU.

"Whatever happens in dream or waking is entirely empty of any ‘self’ – pleasant and unpleasant emotions and thoughts arise and pass, appearances arise and pass. No-one has ever ‘done’ or ‘experienced’ any of this."


I understand. May I ask a few questions?

- Is there anything like personalized consciousness? I heard Deepak Chopra using this term.

- Did Freud and Jung enhance the illusion of ego self by setting up explanatory models?

- As a baby, as a child we get taught or shown to develop an ego - self, without knowing that it is illusionary. John Welwood writes that a child needs to split from certain moldings in their personality to be
able to survive childhood. Is this merely another explanatory model of an illusionary ego self?
And thereby actually enhances the illusion?

- Are Shadows (split parts of a personality, so called unconscious parts) also illusionary?

A thought arises, "so much ado ( occupied awareness how you would call it ?) about no - thing".

. . .

"‘I’ can never know, or do, or experience anything, because 'I' is literally nothing but the thought of 'I'. Thoughts cannot think, act, or cause action - thoughts are not aware. "


I understand the following. "I is nothing but a thought of I."

John you know, reading your explanations, is like simultaneously remembering their content. The content is so very obvious. Like basic principles of Living, and yet "I" was totally oblivious to them. Do you understand, what I want to say?

. . .

"What this actually means is that an emotion and associated thoughts occupied awareness for a while – ‘I’ didn’t get caught up because 'I' doesn’t exist."

"Occupied Awareness", got it! A genuine relief!

. . .

"But it’s still not clear to me that you’re beyond being taken in by them."

When I wrote the message on October 7th, 2012, 10:41 am, I still got taken in at times by an illusionary momentum of a shaping ego self.
Emotions would take me in, the "I" would take control as a reflex to protect me from further pain. An old worn out behavior pattern that is.

. . .

"I am not. Never was. Never will be."

Yes, this is.

Going back to "direct experience" now, meaning several duties are calling for my attention.

Thank you so very much! I so much appreciate your kind assistance!

Very sincerely,

Angelika


PS: I wanted to write about the not - knowing.... will do this in my next message.

Hi Angelika,

‘I understand’

– is this seen directly, or is it conceptual knowing? Conceptual understanding – as you know – isn’t going to make any fundamental difference to the way suffering arises.

Questions: Until you’ve ‘passed the gateless gate’, theoretical questions are a distraction. After, most will be perfectly clear to you. Anyway, different questions will then arise.

There is consciousness/awareness, there is a unique (or particular) manifestation of conditionality, there is no ‘person’.

The content is so very obvious. Like basic principles of Living, and yet "I" was totally oblivious to them. Do you understand, what I want to say?

I think I do. This is what makes me feel that you are actually close to direct understanding/ knowing of no self. However, you do need to keep focussed on the main point!

Emotions would take me in, the "I" would take control as a reflex to protect me from further pain. An old worn out behaviour pattern that is.

Yes, be clear that emotions are ‘not me’ and thoughts are ‘not me’. So-called ‘I’ taking control causes, it does not protect you from, further pain. You are right: it is just a behaviour pattern, it is not ‘you’.

Warm regards,

John

Hello John,

To keep focused on the main point has been rather difficult today.

I do not even know how to describe the matter. I try nonetheless, alright?
One Moment vastness arises inside, followed by a sense of expansion.
Next a sudden withdrawal or pullback arises.
A feeling of vastness within a bubble arises. The bubble is confined by a membrane.
Uneasiness arises and dissolves, followed by an emotion I can describe as frustration.

Thoughts of doubt and failure come and go.

. . .

Silence and Peace arise and dissolve.

. . .

When my awareness is on focusing on the not knowing, it is as if something pulls me back into the illusionary realm of ego self.

A picture comes to my mind. I do weeding in the garden, and pull of the visible part of the weed. The weed grows again, until I pull out the root , too.

It seems that I miss to pull out the root.
Awareness gets occupied once more.

Knowing that "I" is a thought, where does the pull back momentum come from?

Please excuse my rather bumpy message today.

Thank you very much, also in advance, for your kind guidance!

Very Sincerely,
Angelika

Dear Angelika,

I can recognise these kinds of events from my own experiences and from what others have told me. Have confidence that these are just part of the process – they may or may not be of any significance in themselves. Don’t take them over-seriously – they just come and go. Thoughts of doubt and failure are also part of the process. Notice how they carry a sense of conviction, but are ultimately just thoughts, together with a mood – which is really just certain kinds of sensation.

What pulls you back is nothing other than the self-view. You see this conceptually, but you need to see it with your whole being. Yes, you’ve got to pull the root of this view / belief in ‘self’, ‘me’, ‘I’ right out! That means seeing directly and very, very simply that all of this – WHATEVER is going on – is just life living itself, not ‘my individual separate self’.

Remember: whatever happens, however pleasant or unpleasant, exalted or ordinary, is just life happening – no self anywhere, ever.

You’re doing well – just remember this whatever is arising. Whatever arises, there is no-one doing it.

Keep looking in this way!

I’m travelling tomorrow up to Scotland and am going to be on some retreats for the next 10 days. I’m able to check online at times, so I’ll respond as and when I can. Meanwhile … Keep looking!

Warm regards,
John

Hi Angelika,

One quick thing before I'm off:

Who or what is 'Angelika'?

Does 'Angelika' refer to anything or anyone that really exists?

Look now: can you find 'Angelika' anywhere at all?

Warm wishes,

John

Hello John,


I hope that your journey to Scotland includes many enjoyable moments!

The stormy winds passed by here on my side.

I could spend many hours outside today. To be in nature is always of fine assistance.
Stillness and Peace have been prevailing.

This morning I observed nature with "beginner´s mind" and not with an idea of how it looks like in the spot I was in. Observing "fresh" forms coming and going, I spend about an hour just looking.

. . .

A bit later I recognized a habit, pattern, a conditioning.
"I" take thoughts very seriously, add "meaning" (=more thoughts) to them. Almost like enlarging them.
As if I would blow up the illusion of ego by enlarging thoughts and as a consequence having to cope with the heaviness of ego and thoughts.
A trap the illusionary "I" gets caught in, and next comes suffering.

"WHATEVER is going on – is just life living itself"
Ja, I start from here.

I will reflect also on "Who or what is Angelika".


Thank you very much for dropping by as circumstances permitting!

Enjoy the Retreats & Scotland!

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

Hello John,

Here is a short report on the changes I witnessed during the last two days.

For a few times my way of receiving the direct environment changed almost dramatically.
The objects I looked at were so much clearer. As if I looked at them from a different angle. Though angle is not the right word.
It was as if I saw them directly.
As if I saw them through a different kind of lens.
As if some layers of schlieren were gone.

Was this "direct experience?"

. . .

The second new matter I can report on is, that I can now watch awareness getting caught in the illusion of ego self rebuilding.
Something happens in the present moment and almost instantly as a reflex (?) awareness gets caught in the illusion of ego self rebuilding.
The rebuilding arises and dissolves.
Dizziness and light headache returned.


All is well here.

Enjoy Scotland and All!

Very Sincerely,

Angelika

Hi Angelika,

I hope you’ve had some time to reflect on ‘who is Angelika’ etc.? anything to report there?

Remember that what we’re doing here is very, very simple. We’re not trying to change ‘ourselves’ or ‘get rid of the ego’ or anything like that. It’s much simpler: ‘Angelika’ never existed. Same here, ‘John’ never existed. No ‘entity’ exists that those labels refer to.
It’s not even that ‘I’ take thoughts very seriously. ‘I’ am nothing but a proliferation of thoughts. Thoughts saying ‘I’, ‘I’ and reinforcing the belief by repetition.

‘I’ is just thinking’

‘Angelika’ is just the thought of ‘Angelika’

Nothing – whatsoever – else.

Be well – I’ll be in touch when possible.

Warm regards,
John

p.s I see you sent another post as I was writing this - will respond tomorrow