Becca, are you available?

[Lj321]

Thank you for pointing me in the right direction again. I listened to some 7th fetter talks and a guided meditation that shifted me into really staying with present moment sensations so I could explore the questions you asked. It’s late, so I can’t fully articulate what I experienced. I will need to continue to revisit this.

But is there a direct experience of the ’now’ moving along the line of time?

No. The ‘now’ is very expansive. Past sensations and future projections were vague and trailed into oblivion.

Any experience of one ‘moment’ giving way to the next

? No

Is there any actual or direct experience of one event following another?

. Nothing I can delineate,

How fast is the ‘present moment’ actually moving?

Faster than I can cognize, but seemingly everything seems to be constantly happening in place timelessly.

Just look at 'this moment', can you find a point where it began?

No

How long does the ‘now’ last?

It feels like it’s always there, but always over with the hum of changing sensations.

Where does the ‘now’ start, and where does it end?

I don’t know.

When does the ‘now’ exactly become the 'past'?

With each new sensation.

What is the ‘past’ in actual experience?

There seems to be a trace of sensations after they are experienced that then dissolves.

So is there an actual experience of ‘time’ or only thoughts about ‘time’?

These are just my thoughts about time.

I’m amazed by how centering and calming this is given the buzz of everything happening at once.

Again, thank you for being there for me Becca…

[Lj321]

Ha! It didn’t seem like my reply was going through. Guess you got it :)

[graceabounds]

Haha yes I was having the same multipost issue yesterday.

There seems to be a trace of sensations after they are experienced that then dissolves.

Does that trace BELONG to anyone?

What does the label ‘past’ point to in direct experience?

[graceabounds]

Haha yes I was having the same multipost issue yesterday.

There seems to be a trace of sensations after they are experienced that then dissolves.

Does that trace BELONG to anyone?

[graceabounds]

Checking in… has been some time.

[Lj321]

Hi Becca,

Sorry, I blanked out that you had responded to my last post. It was a “busy” time and I was immersed in looking into the 2nd fetter with my support group. The inquiry into time was befuddling for me. I know that time is exactly what I need to explore. Holding time as linear provokes anxiety. I’ve worked with it through meditation and breathing instead of deep inquiry.

Even as I try to get away from a list of todos, I often start my day with a list in my head. The hardest todos weigh on me, like finally writing long-overdue letters. It’s an aversion to be looked at through the 5th fetter lens. I acknowledge that keeping up on todos lends control/a measure of safety.

Lot’s of “I”s in this reply. I will go back to that 7th fetter meditation and experience it anew.

Thanks for checking in. Happy new year!

[graceabounds]

Even as I try to get away from a list of todos, I often start my day with a list in my head

There also seems to be an attachment to categorizing everything under a fetter model.

Don’t lose the forest for the trees…
Until the illusion of a separate self falls all these other layers are philosophy.

Is there I?
Where?

[Lj321]

Losing the forest for the trees has been an overriding tendency for me, so thanks for calling me on that. And yes, I have fallen into categorizing everything into a fetter model. We’re now looking at Fetter 4 and I’d been feeling it was too much of a head trip for me. It’s helpful to have the essence of them, still dropping into all that is frequently and touching upon inquiries from there is how I need to redirect.

I haven’t responded because another tendency I have is doubting my written expression, add in not feeling good enough for a well-thought out response to these inquiries. Yet more long-held beliefs I need to dispel. I’ve never delved into inquiries and know they are crucial to awakening, so bear with me as I get through this.

Last night I talked with Elea about how I get tripped up by that and was able to simply talk through the responses to:

Is there I?

I know, know, know there’s not an I through personal experience…. And then I fall into separation, most commonly as it relates to a “me” in time.

Where?

I have never found an I anywhere.

I have a home retreat from Thursday through Sunday, so I will be back in communication with you soon thereafter. I would like to continue with my inquiries into time.

Your counsel is a very generous offering. Much gratitude,

Laurie

[graceabounds]

ok, let’s regroup next week after retreat..

[Lj321]

Hi again,

10 days out from my retreat. It really helped me understand my tendencies that have created anxiety - doership/agency, control, urgency, overthinking/analyzing, and perfectionism. Underlying needs could be wanting to feel safe and accepted.

My practice has been to let go and stay with natural phenomena -breath, sound and sensations - lighten up and go with the flow. I’m feeling lighter and easier. Still I have to monitor my compulsion to go into project mode and keep looking at what distracts me.

I just had a the distraction of looking at an Anton Petov video ‘Experiments Hinting on Time Being an Illusion’. He said without something moving, there is no time. That gets at ´what is my experience of time as the hands of the clock move?’

I will get back to inquiries into time once I’ve grounded in my practice more. I’d like one phrase I can work with as a more general purpose inquiry. I haven’t resonated with ‘Who am I? or ‘What is mu?’ I’ve gotten stuck looking for one that feels workable. Something like ‘what is aware of this very moment?’ gets me closer. Maybe ‘show me your original face, the face you had before your parents were born. Suggestions??

Thanks for hanging in there with me, as always.

[graceabounds]

There is the long form *there is no separate self at all, never has been, never will be*

Or for a question:
Is there I? Or is there me?

Where is the boundary? can also work…

[Lj321]

Thank you! That probably should have been my first question to you. I’ll be checking back with you weekly.

[graceabounds]

Ok. We will go at your pace… as it flows.

[Lj321]

Interesting timing Becca- I was just looking over your inquiries and the answers seem obvious to me.

I love using ‘There is no separate self at all, never has been, never will be’ as a mantra. I’ve known it for some time and saying it brings peace.

“Is there me?”

No, though there are personality characteristics that I have claimed as me.

“Where is the boundary?”

. There is no boundary, though sensations are experienced in a space where my body might seem to inhabit.

The inquiries are reminders that all my thoughts about tendencies are just thoughts and not built-in conditions. Since I’m not experiencing anxiety now, it’s time to drop that self-examination and just be aware. Yes?

[graceabounds]

No, though there are personality characteristics that I have claimed as me.

Who was doing the claiming of these characteristics? Can that be located?

The inquiries are reminders that all my thoughts about tendencies are just thoughts and not built-in conditions. Since I’m not experiencing anxiety now, it’s time to drop that self-examination and just be aware. Yes?

You can ground in direct experience at any time, it is always available.

Is there any sense remaining that these thoughts are caused by, arising to, or are about a “you”? Are they in any way personal?