Hi Becca,
Look. Is there an “I” doing anything here at all?
Immediately on receiving your message, I caught myself trying to argue with things I thought you were saying.
One of the funniest thoughts that I caught myself in was “yes! This is what will finally convince Becca that I do have a separate self”
I wonder how much I do this? I suppose when I am reading, I read with a critical mind. That’s my training. I did study philosophy and logic at uni.
But how often am I doing this? Am I always this argumentative?
The example I was going to give, is my 32+ years of journaling. I have hundreds of full journals, that begin when I was 19 years old, when I first moved out of home. And through some early formative experiences. There are hundreds of journals, in boxes in my shed.
Most entries begin with “I am…”
I was most prolific during difficult times, as I tried to think through my problems. They are very hard to read.
It is often automatic writing, where I just try to let the pen go, and the thoughts flow.
Sometimes I am amazed at how the thoughts just seem to flow out of the tip of the pen.
Every single mark of ink on the paper is a thought.
There is nothing in there that can be used to argue with Becca :-(
What is that feeling?
Again the tightness in my upper chest.
When I look closer at it I start to perceive the beating of the heart.
With the iPad on my chest as a backdrop, I can see the movement of my chest as my heart beats.
Where is the feeling that a thought is personal?
My breathing continues, though not laboured.
My chest rises and falls.
There is a tickle in my throat, and a cough.
Are thoughts impersonal?
So they are not about me?
Where are the thoughts.
It feels like they are floating in front of me. They appear in the top right of my field of vision. And they seem to float into the centre.
Are they external? That’s not the right word.
Are they impersonal?
I put down the iPad, and rest my hands on my chest, and close my eyes.
It feels like my attention is in my mind, or at least in my head.
But there is no physical sensation there.
I can move my attention to the upper chest, which still feels restricted.
What is this feeling of resistance?
“I has looked after me and protected me.”
But that’s a thought.
If anything, the journals have kept me in my head.
There is not even really any evidence that the writing has helped me “think things through”
The journals have really just reinforced an identity with thought.
There is nothing here.
The language of thoughts is what makes them personal.
“I am this, I am that…”
But okay, I accept that they are just story looping.
They are just here, like everything else, in the nothing.
I needs to get up.
I needs to get ready for work.
I has a presentation to give in a meeting today.
I is well prepared, but still nervous.
Aren’t those personal thoughts?
Where are they in direct experience?
In that upper chest. I am holding them tight.
They chest is tight, restricted.
There is a sound of an aeroplane, and the chirping of a bird.
Okay, I’m just getting up.
No “need to” just getting up.
Just doing what’s in front of me.
I logged in to work 5 minutes early.
I was feeling pretty stressed about that presentation.
Why’s that?
Because my boss asked me to do it, and I want to impress him, and I guess I made it into a story about my value.
I wrote the following on a post it note.
“Heart beating.
I can hear it as my ear vibrates against the headphones.
Feel it. Don’t try to control it.”
I was stressed,
What’s that feeling?
I was well prepared,
As I sat there I began to notice how much I overthink these things
And the term “self conscious” came to mind.
I know I often get “self conscious” in these kinds of situations, and i realised it is usually a hindrance. I freeze up, I forget what I wanted to say.
I can’t focus.
What did I do differently this time?
Nothing really, except look at the feeling. Sure my heart was beating, but it wasn’t a bad thing. I looked at all the people on the screen. There is definitely no need to fear any of them, including my boss.
When my time came I just presented the presentation, and people listened, people commented that it was good. One person even contacted me afterwards to discuss some of the points we raised.
It was good.
There was just no need to get stressed about it, the weight of it is no longer on me. Not because it is over, but because i had realised, even before it was my turn to speak, that there was no weight, only self consciousness thoughts. And just by realising this, the thoughts disappeared.
Is a sense of seeking still present anywhere?
I was able to give the presentation without needing it to be anything.
It was not an expression of my value, just sharing of information.
There was no need to seek anything from it.
Is there still a sense of seeking more generally?
Honestly, yes there is.
I still has quite a strong hold on me.
Although even now I look for that hold
I close my eyes
Is it in the slight pressure on my bladder telling me to get up and go to the bathroom? No that is just a bodily process.
Is it in my breath? Or the gurgling of my stomach? No.
There is nothing else here. Nothing is all that is here.
There is no “generally” there is only now.
And now, there is nowhere that I has a hold on me.
And there is no sense of seeking.
Shane