wake up Shane

[graceabounds]

Hi Shane,

:D

Sounds legit.

The only story jumping out in all that is that creative conscious energy business. That’s not a road that leads anywhere knowable. ;)

It IS this simple. And it is simply a change in perspective.

Get out into nature if you can and simply spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time.

Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colors, sensations come and go.

Notice that everything is part of one movement.
Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself.

Then write (if the writer can locate any words) what is noticed, what emerges and if anything comes up to be explored.

Much love,
Becca

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

creative conscious energy business.

Oh yeah, I’m a sucker for that story.
Perhaps first item for exploration.
I’ll be mindful of that.

I’m sitting out in my small back yard, on the patio.
It’s more than a bit of a mess out here. But there are some cool things going on.
A couple of little early bonsai projects.
Overgrown lawn.
Nasturtiums are plentiful, and in flower climbing the fence.
A dog barking
Neighbours shouting “Luna”
A bird too scolds the dog.
An aeroplane, I can see it.
Big and majestic.
Trees over the fence, eucalypts in the distance.
4 small parakeets fly over.
Something else tweeting.
Sunlight on the lemon tree
Yellow glow above the fence to the west.
Sound of a motorbike,
And a silent car, electric?
A magpie, a security alarm beeping.
Bird song,
A galah calling as it flies overhead.

… - all move all the time.

Yes it’s all moving
That was my sense in our investigation of time too.
I am enjoying exploring the movement.

Life goes on Becca
My son was due to arrive home soon,
And I broke to prepare dinner.

It seems I dip in and out.
I had a great morning at work.
Three meetings back to back, that I had to run first thing, I would normally get quite stressed about that. But I realised there was no need. all went extremely well. A few times I zoomed out and looked at all those faces on the screen and got a sense of how connected we all are, even online.
Little stresses started to seep in later in the day. I’m going to need to keep reminding myself not to get caught in the story.
It is nice though that all I have to do is remind myself and the stresses all disappear into perspective.

I enjoyed spending some time in my back yard after work, and I am looking forward to taking the investigation further.
And I want to take some time with this new perspective.

We have a long weekend this weekend, and I plan on spending some more time out there in the yard, and will intersperse my work in the garden with these explorations.
I may also take a trip up into the hills, and a favourite place nearby, to enjoy this too.

I don’t want to rush this,
I want to take some time and enjoy this process
I will keep messaging. I don’t want to get complacent,
but I may take my time with these exercises.
Self certainly keeps asserting itself.
I would like to keep working on integrating this new perspective more fully too.

Words can not express the gratitude I feel for your guidance.
It was a long journey, that I see now, is only just beginning.

Amazing, and Thankyou

Shane

[graceabounds]

Sounds perfect, in every way.

❤️

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

if the writer can locate any words

The writer has certainly found it hard to locate words these last few days.
Though there has been plenty to explore.

Over this long weekend, there has been much time spent in the backyard, working on the garden, and plenty of time to just sit.
I am yet to find a line between what is out there, and myself.

The foundation of everything has fundamentally changed, and yet everything is still the same.
Myself continues to assert itself, and I still get carried along with it.
But I have an interesting fact at my fingertips, and it has changed the nature of the debate I have with self, now that I can dissolve it into truth.

There has been a lot of self trying to understand the implications of this new way of looking things.
I still can’t say that I understand the separateness of self.
But then I realise that I understanding is not the point.
What I do see is that nothingness is here and all pervasive.
And everything that I think exists, exists within this.

What to do with this?
I don’t know.
I feel an urge to want to know
But I realise that is a story too.

Some of the feelings that have come up, include a deep sense of emptiness, which is quite confronting. And a purposelessness, which is just kind of nothing.
Neither necessarily negative in their way, and certainly not new.
I’m starting to recognise some of the thinking patterns and stories I tell myself around those ideas. And they’re often not helpful.

Other times I feel like I am being held by the nothingness. And while that is quite comforting. I suspect that may be a story too.

I am interested to keep exploring these ideas.
But perhaps a bit lost in the nothingness.

Interested to hear your guidance
Shane

[graceabounds]

Ah, yes.

Has the emptiness always been here?

There is something Adyashanti said in a talk, and I don’t have it handy but goes something like:
“Emptiness means empty of Self. Full of Reality, Full of the Divine… Empty of Self.”

How does this sit/land?

There is a process where everything comes up to be examined and dissolves. This is only the beginning (if I can use that word without the connotation of anyone there to strive to reach anywhere).

“What to do with this?” is a noncompute because there is nothing to do and noone to do it. And yet, the food still gets prepared, the body goes to sleep, the children are cared for… just without all the layers of ‘goal setting’ or owned thoughts about it. Is this what you are getting at when you say purposelessness is a kind of nothing?

Sending much love,
Becca

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

Has the emptiness always been here?

Yes it has, although I have a lot of stories to try to block it out.
And a lot of distractions.

I like the Adyashanti quote.

“Empty of Self.”

“Empty” seems to have a negative connotation, at least as painted by the self.
It feels like self is threatened by the emptiness.
So it seems to try to sabotage any efforts to see it…
Depression, distractions, addictive behaviours…
These keep coming up, and it seems self is trying to stop me from seeing it.
But can self be threatened? If it is just a pattern of thoughts?
Surely a pattern of thoughts cant have feelings.
I guess that is a story too.

There is a process where everything comes up to be examined and dissolves.

Yes, that process has “begun”.
And there is a lot to be dissolved.
And within that, self continues to try to assert itself.
I would appreciate any advice you may have on the best way to navigate this process.

Is this what you are getting at when you say purposelessness is a kind of nothing?

Yes, I think that’s right, and I am struggling with that a bit.
I was attempting to describe a feeling of lack of motivation, as in “what’s the point of doing anything?”

Do I have any agency at all?
And I know the answer is no, because “I”…
But surely there is “someone” who has agency?
Someone who is telling all these stories?
Did Adyashanti say Divine?… I’m being wary of that story…
I feel a bit like I am just a passenger on a bus, and I can’t steer or even influence the direction it is going.

I know these are a lot of I questions.

There is an acceptance of all of this
that needs no words or discussion with Becca.

But “I” has words
And “I” still has questions.

This process, these things that keep arising to be examined and dissolved,
It feels like it is a discussion with I
But I is an unwilling participant, because I knows that the end result is death for itself.

Does that make sense?

Shane

[graceabounds]

“Empty” seems to have a negative connotation, at least as painted by the self.
It feels like self is threatened by the emptiness.

Self never existed. That is why it is empty. But take a look at this feeling of threat... is there anything more than thoughts and sensations appearing and disappearing?

Surely a pattern of thoughts cant have feelings.
I guess that is a story too.

Don't guess. Take a look, directly, what do you find?

I feel a bit like I am just a passenger on a bus, and I can’t steer or even influence the direction it is going.

Yes. AND it has always been this way....

What’s it like in your direct, moment-to-moment experience when that feeling comes up? Is there a sense of peace in letting go, or does the mind rebel, wanting to grab the wheel? Where do you notice it in the body?

Depression, distractions, addictive behaviours…
These keep coming up, and it seems self is trying to stop me from seeing it.

Yes, habits of the system. Soothing from feeling the discomfort of not being in control. Keep writing here!

And if you pause right now and notice—are those states (depression, distraction, etc.) actually yours? Or are they just movements, sensations, energies appearing and disappearing, with the “self” story coming in after the fact to claim them?

I would appreciate any advice you may have on the best way to navigate this process.

There is no 'best' way. That is a thought haha.

Lean into direct experience. Keep coming back to what is directly here: sensations, smells, tastes etc. Ground into this.

The inquiry 'Work' from Byron Katie can be useful with specific beliefs that arise:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know it's true?
3. How do you react and what happens when you believe the thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Perhaps try it with "I am struggling"

Physical activity and time in nature can be helpful.

Much love!

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

I has written so much, but I am trying to put aside its arguing, and engage with this process.

Perhaps on that note I’ll start then by just sharing this lovely image…

The peach tree has bloomed with a single flower.
I verify it up close.
There are buds ready to blossom all over the tree.
The lemon tree too is beginning to blossom and I can smell it.
The nasturtiums are flowering all around the fences.
Bees all over the garden hopping between the flowers.
I wander amongst the garden too.
Even the weeds rising up, where once there was a lawn, full of seed, waving in the breeze.
All this is one thing.

Lean into direct experience. Keep coming back to what is directly here: sensations, smells, tastes etc. Ground into this.

I find that when I allow I to argue, it takes off, and gets very passionate.
But on examination, they are all just stories.
When I just accept the moment. It is amazing.

I had the below experience trying to examine a feeling of stress. I wrote it first on a post it note at my desk, while feeling stressed in a meeting, and transcribed it here…

“Stress rising
Put on the spot
Have to think of a response
Thinking of examples
What will I say?
Our Director is in this meeting
I want to look good
Heart beating
Face warm
What’s that feeling?
could I just be in the moment?”
I just said what came to mind, it was okay, and we moved on.

“I feel a bit like I am just a passenger on a bus, and I can’t steer or even influence the direction it is going.”
Yes. AND it has always been this way....

My first response is that “this is what I struggle with.”
I realise this is I who wants free will.

“I am very independent.
I always want to do things myself.
I need to be in control of my life.
I don’t like to be controlled.”

When I look I can see they are thought patterns that I have picked up along the way.
the wanting, and needing, and the feeling of being threatened. I realise are an extra layer on top of that, but again, just a pattern, that assigns feelings to thought patterns.

Is there a sense of peace in letting go, or does the mind rebel, wanting to grab the wheel? Where do you notice it in the body?

When I allow I to argue, and bring up all its “but, but, buts…” it feels like it is trying to grab the wheel. But when I really look, it does seem to dissipate into peace.

I don’t want to just dismiss thought.
That feels a bit like gaslighting.
So I continue to engage with each thought as it arises.


With great gratitude for your guidance
Shane

[graceabounds]

Hello Shane,

Breath of fresh air, this. Here it is crisp fall air and vibrant leaves.

I find that when I allow I to argue, it takes off, and gets very passionate.

Where is this I that is allowing another I to argue? Can this too be accepted rather than gated?

I realise this is I who wants free will.

Does it? Going one layer deeper here…
Is there such a thing as ‘I’ and is it capable of having an agenda? Or is that a unicorn wanting to drive the car?

Is free will a thing?

When I look I can see they are thought patterns that I have picked up along the way.
the wanting, and needing, and the feeling of being threatened.

Thought patterns but also embodied. The pull to control because the feeling of not is/was too uncomfortable to be with…
Where does the feeling of being threatened arise in the body? Where does acceptance reside?

I don’t want to just dismiss thought.
That feels a bit like gaslighting.
So I continue to engage with each thought as it arises.

Dismissing is an agenda. Engaging is an agenda. Are any of these thoughts personal? Is any thought True?

Rather than engaging just keep looking. ;)

-Becca

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,
It’s been a while since I wrote.

To be honest, I can’t seem to find the words.

Where is this I that is allowing another I to argue? Can this too be accepted rather than gated?

Yes, it can be accepted.
I’m trying to accept.
“But, but, but…” I continues to argue.

Where does the feeling of being threatened arise in the body? Where does acceptance reside?

What does it feel like?
A restricted feeling in my upper chest.
Like it is up in the top of my lungs, restricting the breath coming in.
The feeling of acceptance is more like a long slow release of the breath.
I feel my body, especially my shoulders relax.

Is free will a thing?

I have always believed that it was. - belief
I have no way to verify the truth of this belief.
The past has all happened, and couldn’t have happened any other way.
The future could unfold any way, and I don’t really know what it could hold.
And we have already established that neither exists.

There is only this present moment.
So any free will would have to happen only now.

after “I” take any sort of action, I seem to have thoughts that come in afterwards to justify “why?” I did that thing. But this happens after.

I seem to at least have some sort of ability to resist or accept thoughts.
That may be the limit of my freedom of will.
And may be a story too.

Are any of these thoughts personal? Is any thought True?

They feel personal.
No they are not true.
I try to feel what that feels like.
The feeling that they are personal.
The thought I is personal.
But I can let that go as simply as breathing out.

I will continue to observe what this feels like.

Sincerely
Shane

[graceabounds]

Hello Shane,

I’m trying to accept.

Haha. No.
That’s the same ghost, the seeker in drag. resistance disguised as surrender. Drop “trying.” Look. Is there an “I” doing anything here at all?

Let the contraction in the upper lungs be exactly as it is.
Let it tighten. Let it not release. Don’t manipulate. Don’t breathe deeply. Don’t fix it. Just stay.

This is it. You’re sitting here in pure sensation, story looping, no narrator behind it.

after “I” take any sort of action, I seem to have thoughts that come in afterwards to justify “why?” I did that thing. But this happens after.

Yes exactly.


Where is the feeling that a thought is personal?
Find it. Track it into the body. Into the breath. Into the jaw. Into the belly. Don’t explain it, feel it.

And now… let it be.
Just like that last breath. Let it go.
No push. No fix. Just sit in the mystery of not knowing. Not needing.


Is a sense of seeking still present anywhere?

-Becca

[Seanus]

Hi Becca,

Look. Is there an “I” doing anything here at all?

Immediately on receiving your message, I caught myself trying to argue with things I thought you were saying.
One of the funniest thoughts that I caught myself in was “yes! This is what will finally convince Becca that I do have a separate self”

I wonder how much I do this? I suppose when I am reading, I read with a critical mind. That’s my training. I did study philosophy and logic at uni.
But how often am I doing this? Am I always this argumentative?

The example I was going to give, is my 32+ years of journaling. I have hundreds of full journals, that begin when I was 19 years old, when I first moved out of home. And through some early formative experiences. There are hundreds of journals, in boxes in my shed.
Most entries begin with “I am…”
I was most prolific during difficult times, as I tried to think through my problems. They are very hard to read.
It is often automatic writing, where I just try to let the pen go, and the thoughts flow.
Sometimes I am amazed at how the thoughts just seem to flow out of the tip of the pen.

Every single mark of ink on the paper is a thought.
There is nothing in there that can be used to argue with Becca :-(

What is that feeling?
Again the tightness in my upper chest.
When I look closer at it I start to perceive the beating of the heart.
With the iPad on my chest as a backdrop, I can see the movement of my chest as my heart beats.

Where is the feeling that a thought is personal?

My breathing continues, though not laboured.
My chest rises and falls.
There is a tickle in my throat, and a cough.

Are thoughts impersonal?
So they are not about me?
Where are the thoughts.
It feels like they are floating in front of me. They appear in the top right of my field of vision. And they seem to float into the centre.
Are they external? That’s not the right word.
Are they impersonal?
I put down the iPad, and rest my hands on my chest, and close my eyes.
It feels like my attention is in my mind, or at least in my head.
But there is no physical sensation there.
I can move my attention to the upper chest, which still feels restricted.
What is this feeling of resistance?
“I has looked after me and protected me.”
But that’s a thought.
If anything, the journals have kept me in my head.
There is not even really any evidence that the writing has helped me “think things through”
The journals have really just reinforced an identity with thought.
There is nothing here.
The language of thoughts is what makes them personal.
“I am this, I am that…”
But okay, I accept that they are just story looping.
They are just here, like everything else, in the nothing.

I needs to get up.
I needs to get ready for work.
I has a presentation to give in a meeting today.
I is well prepared, but still nervous.
Aren’t those personal thoughts?
Where are they in direct experience?
In that upper chest. I am holding them tight.
They chest is tight, restricted.
There is a sound of an aeroplane, and the chirping of a bird.

Okay, I’m just getting up.
No “need to” just getting up.
Just doing what’s in front of me.

I logged in to work 5 minutes early.
I was feeling pretty stressed about that presentation.
Why’s that?
Because my boss asked me to do it, and I want to impress him, and I guess I made it into a story about my value.
I wrote the following on a post it note.

“Heart beating.
I can hear it as my ear vibrates against the headphones.
Feel it. Don’t try to control it.”

I was stressed,
What’s that feeling?
I was well prepared,
As I sat there I began to notice how much I overthink these things
And the term “self conscious” came to mind.
I know I often get “self conscious” in these kinds of situations, and i realised it is usually a hindrance. I freeze up, I forget what I wanted to say.
I can’t focus.
What did I do differently this time?
Nothing really, except look at the feeling. Sure my heart was beating, but it wasn’t a bad thing. I looked at all the people on the screen. There is definitely no need to fear any of them, including my boss.
When my time came I just presented the presentation, and people listened, people commented that it was good. One person even contacted me afterwards to discuss some of the points we raised.
It was good.
There was just no need to get stressed about it, the weight of it is no longer on me. Not because it is over, but because i had realised, even before it was my turn to speak, that there was no weight, only self consciousness thoughts. And just by realising this, the thoughts disappeared.

Is a sense of seeking still present anywhere?

I was able to give the presentation without needing it to be anything.
It was not an expression of my value, just sharing of information.
There was no need to seek anything from it.

Is there still a sense of seeking more generally?
Honestly, yes there is.
I still has quite a strong hold on me.
Although even now I look for that hold
I close my eyes
Is it in the slight pressure on my bladder telling me to get up and go to the bathroom? No that is just a bodily process.
Is it in my breath? Or the gurgling of my stomach? No.
There is nothing else here. Nothing is all that is here.
There is no “generally” there is only now.
And now, there is nowhere that I has a hold on me.
And there is no sense of seeking.

Shane

[graceabounds]

Hello dear Shane,

Here, now, without the writer (which there never was), there is still writing happening. These words float across the screen, and there is beauty here. Truth. And a lot underneath which is carried with the current but is beyond the grasp of language.

Here is a series of questions to look into. Sit with them, feel the answers write themselves, and let’s see what remains to uncover and explore…

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before we started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look? Was there a moment of shift with a distinct before and after?

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. Consider and describe each if these separately.

6) What makes things happen? How does it work?

7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

8) Anything to add?

Abundant love,
Becca

[Seanus]

Thanks Becca,
I will enjoy sitting with these over the next few days and get back to you after the weekend (existence of time not withstanding ;-D)
I too enjoy the beauty of the words, even if they too don't exist :-o
I look forward to sharing some more with you soon
Shane

[graceabounds]

❤️
With gratitude for the words…