The Gate

This is a remarkably clear and subtle seeing. You’re discovering that the subject-object split is imagined, not found in raw experience. And you are describing the absence of continuity or trajectory in direct experience.

Now let’s move directly into the body.

Sit with eyes closed for about 15 minutes. Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:
Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?
Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?
What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

Look very carefully, especially with the last question. Take your time, don’t rush. You can look several times during the day while doing other things (like washing hands, showering, having a short break from work, walking, etc) before replying.

So regarding the tension ‘overlay’:
Does it arise in conjunction with a thought?
When the anticipation arises is there a “you” anticipating, or is the anticipation just another appearing?

Where in the body is it?
Is there any center to it?
Can the tension in the body be fully felt, without labeling or resisting?

Hi!

Sorry, but this will be a rather long message. I was planning on doing these exercises for a few days before reporting back, but a couple of things has happened that has increased doubt and resistance to this, so I thought I report back now.

Doing the exercises with the body, I could see (or at least conclude) how it's all just sensations. Size, shape or border of the body is not in direct experience but imagined from quite limited sensory data.

Yesterday, while driving my car from work, I got the sensation that there is really no car moving through space at all, but just an image of the road getting larger, and an image of two hands on a wheel, for a very short moment, "I" wasn't there, all that is is just what can be seen. Panic dwelled up, and a burning in the head, but then after few seconds, my reasoning kicked in saying "you can not panic know, you are driving a car and you have a family to take car of", so the panic wore of, however leaving an uneasy feeling for the rest of the day. In the evening, I felt like I was getting sick and a bit feverish. Watching my kids play, the thought was that there is just an image, and some sounds, no "kids" really there, and hugging my kids, there is really only just a physical sensation, just a few pressure points on what I imagine to be my arm. And so it struck me that what I am trying to deconstruct with these exercises is not just the "self" but basically everything, all objects, all other people, movement and space itself. These are all just "tricks" building up the sense of a world with people and things in it, from very limited input of images, sounds and sensations. It didn't feel liberating at all, but rather claustrophobic.

In the night, I had a very vivid dream that I think is connected to all this, so I will report it. In the dream I was very very sad and crying a lot, I knew I had to die, or that I had to kill myself. I thought I have to give some money to charity first, and then that my last message to my wife should be "We will meet again in the next life", this felt romantic and like a relief, but I was still very sad. Then I was already "on the other side", inside some kind of metal construction pressing down on me with the weight of the whole world, and I looked out on a vast desert like landscape, and the pain/sorrow/pressure was there, but it was at the same time a kind of peace and relief. I then realized that I was dreaming and the dream became a lucid dream. I watched myself in a mirror, my face shaved and very smooth, like a perfect almost animated version of myself. I looked in another mirror, first it was the same, then examining my face closer I saw that it was not really like my face at all, the eyes where much larger, the cheeks smooth and puffy, and nose small and chubby (I guess like a baby’s face). I am not asking you to interpret my dream :) But it felt connected and relevant to report.

The next day (today), I feel pretty much back to normal, but I have some reservations in going on. It feels as if I kind of foresee what seing through the illusion could be like, and it was a kind of flat claustrophobic, very limited experience, there is only some limited sensory data, nothing else there, and "I" am stuck watching this flat movie without any control.

I now think I know what the fear is protecting, if trying to put words to it, it is protecting freedom (at least it think it is), it is protecting the view (illusion) of being a free agent moving around in an open three-dimensional world. An illusion, but a spacious illusion with freedom. The other reality seems limited and dim. I understand that this can´t be what the liberation is suppose to be like, because reading and hearing other people talk about it seems very far from it. But I have the reservation, that perhaps I have the wrong world-view, not being compatible with this type of liberation (the wrong view, as I heard it being called by someone).

So, sorry for writing a long message, but I thought it worthwhile to shortly explain my worldview as it might be different from many other spiritual seekers. As a neuroscientist and for most of my life a materialist, I have since several years back had the view of myself and the world (everything I experience) as a simulation run inside a brain in a body "out there", in a world "out there" which I can have no contact with. My world is here inside, the body I experience and the world I experience is really just a simulation run inside this brain. I can hence logically understand the spiritual views that the self and the world is an illusion (i.e simulation), that all are consciousness, that there is no difference between the seer and the seen (non-duality etc). However with the "twist" that there is real separation "out there", and we are all stuck in our own heads "out there". This worldview is ingrained in me, and it has been fine for me until now.

But now, when really investigating the nature of this simulation, it becomes much more limited than before. Just image, soun + some sensations. Not a free agent in a 3D world. And I have the fear that perhaps this worldview that I have + this type of self inquiry will bring me to a quite claustrophobic dark place (of which I got a glims yesterday). I understand these are all just thoughts as well, built from fear of the unknown, but nevertheless this is where I am at for the moment.

So, big hesitations, fear of going on, still another drive saying just push through, it might be a bumby ride but it will be fine in the end etc ... However, I guess I would like to understand better what I have to expect "on the other side", if there are other people having similar experiences as me, if there are people who can have a negative experience of liberation and so on, or if this type of thoughts and experiences is common. The term dark knight of the sould comes to mind.

All the best/

Hello dear,

And so we turn it all around:
Claustrophobic to WHO?
Flat and limited to WHO?

There was never a YOU who had control.
There’s only this.
Without the filter.
Without the story.
Without the narrator pretending to be the center.

And it’s unbearably simple.

That’s what the fear is reacting to.
You’re already out of the prison. The end of the movie of ‘me’…
The panic is just the prisoner realizing there’s no one left to be set free!

However, I guess I would like to understand better what I have to expect "on the other side", if there are other people having similar experiences as me, if there are people who can have a negative experience of liberation and so on, or if this type of thoughts and experiences is common.

I could give the one reaching for something ‘safe’ many many other examples of others speaking from this middle ground, mid-fall, but that would just give more for it to compare to, to orient to, to grasp. Let it go. Stay with it.

And look around at what IS.


EVERY worldview is wrong. Because worldviews are made of thought.
But what is this before thought? Before language?

Right now, describe this moment without using any concepts, labels, or stories.
What remains?

Much love,
Becca

Okey, without stories, without labels, there is only this, what is, is.

YES.

Go into nature if possible and simply spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time. If you bring your kids see them too, in motion.

Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colors, sensations come and go.

Notice that everything is part of one movement.

What is actually there?
Sight.
Color.
Sound.
Sensation.
Nothing more. As you have seen.

…Yet… is it nothing?
Or is it EVERYTHING, stripped of illusion?!


Close your eyes out there in nature and see if there is any line to be found between experiencer and the experience, between you and life itself.
If yes, where is the boundary?
Is there an inside and an outside of Life?
Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?
Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?
Is witnessing part of the one movement too?
Is there anything which is not just happening?

Go out, come back and tell me what is seen, what is noticed, what emerges and if a sense of seeking is still present.

In gratitude,
Becca

I went out in to nature, but didnt have to much time so found it very hard today to settle down, and not get lost in thought, analyses, evaluation, conceptualizations. Pondering the questions it becomes more like I am "trying" to sense what they suggest, rather than just observing whats going on. So sense of seeking is still very much present, I will go out tomorrow again when I have better time.

Great noticing.

Should it happen again today, turn toward the one who is lost… look there.

Where, in direct experience, is this “someone” who could succeed or fail at “settling down”?
Is there, in this moment, a “self” doing the observing, or is there only a flow of experience—nature, sensation, thought, judgment—arising by itself?
Is there anything lacking right now, except for the story that things should be different?

-Becca

Experiencing the nature, trees etc, movements and sensations, I understand that they are part of the same movement and that there is no difference between inside and outside, and that there really can't be, it seems like at some level. But I don't experience it anyway. And even if I can not clearly experience or define this border, there is a point of view, what is seen is seen from a point of view, and what is heard, is heard from the same point, kind of. It is also the same "point" where physical sensations seems to occurs, it is the body or the location of the body (even if it is just an idea), and so this "point" seems to be "me" in some way, while the nature seems to be "out there". Even if I understand that this is not the case, it is the experience.

Turning toward the one who is lost, the one who is seeking, here the sense of "me" becomes very strong, I seem to be very associated with this seeking and will. There is a sense of desire there, for something to "happen" or change, a frustration with not getting there and a resistance to what is. It is a sensation of strain or tension, and I think it is very close to what I experience as "me", at least in this occasion.

Perfect. Let’s stay here.
Drop all explanations, all stories about “points of view,” all talk of inside and outside, all intellectual conclusions…even those that say “I understand it is not the case.”

Stay right at the edge of this:

Turning toward the one who is lost, the one who is seeking, here the sense of "me" becomes very strong

a frustration with not getting there and a resistance to what is. It is a sensation of strain or tension

What is actually present, right now, in direct experience?
Where is this “me”—not the word, not the concept, but the actual felt sense?
Is it not exactly this contraction, this desire, this knot of “something should be different,” this urge for something more, something else?
Can you find anything in direct experience other than this movement?
Look at the actual sensation: is it a physical tension? Where? How does it move? Does it have edges, a center, a location? What is its texture, temperature, flavor?

When the urge arises to label, explain, or interpret, notice that, too. Don’t get pulled back into the mind.
Is there anything present except for sensation and the story about “me seeking”?

Don’t move from this sensation of ‘strain’ or ‘tension’.
Is the “me” anything more than this bundle of sensation plus story?
If you look at the story, does it have any substance?can it be grasped, touched, pinned down?
If you look at the sensation, when all labels are dropped, is it actually “you,” or just an energy pattern arising and passing?

Can you find a “self”…anything more than tension, desire, resistance, and the story about them?
Where, exactly, is the “one who is lost”?
Can you find it outside of these momentary, flickering phenomena?

Look now and describe, precisely, what remains when you stop trying to fix, change, or get rid of what’s here.
Does the “me” survive if you stop feeding it with the hope that something will be different?

It is also the same "point" where physical sensations seems to occurs, it is the body or the location of the body

Gave you enough to explore, but putting a pin in this for tomorrow. :)

Much love,
Becca

The sensation is in the chest, without edges, shape, or texture, neither moving nor fully static, but with a subtle push, as if wanting to pull the body forward. The strain seems to be born from the notion that “things should be different,” yet its striving is to "have no strain", and so "to not exist” I guess, like its creating itself out of itself. But this is ofcourse just another story.

Focusing only on this, there is nothing more to it than this sensation + story. However I seem to be there even when I am not actively sensing this or telling this particular story to myself.
I find it more or less impossible to let go of the story-building, but I guess, yes, without any story, there wouldn’t be any "me."

When trying to drop the hope that things will change, the "me" doesn't go away, instead another me is emerging, one telling the story of a "hopeless me" that will "never make it", it is heavier, slower and more located in the belly region, it is sad and martyr-like, whereas the other me with the hope of change, has a more nervous feeling to it, and more energy. I can see how the "me" spins new stories about who it is all the time and identifies with it. And now I can kind of see that there is "no maker" of the stories, they just appear as thoughts. But then, the thoughts become the me again, and it's like chasing ones own tale here (but there is no tail I guess). Another story appearing right now is that if I can't get rid of all the stories, then at least it's better to have a story of hope than a story of hopelessness.

On a practical note, quite often I can't get in on the liberation website, or I can't see the latest message. Would it be better perhaps, to continue the guidning via email or something?

Very good. I know it feels like spinning, or chasing a tail, but there is a lot seen through.

Is there anything here that is not just this raw, ever-changing display of sensation, thought, movement, mood? Is there a “you” in the middle of it? Or is it just happening automatically, like weather?

What is here, actually, before any story at all?


Here’s an exercise. Please follow each step, don't leave out any. Take your time. Don't move to the next step until the previous one is clearly seen. Repeat the exercise several times.

Stand in front of a bigger mirror.
(1) First, close the eyes and feel the sensations labelled ‘body’.
(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror? Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?
(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?
(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labeled ‘hand’) and the image ‘of movement’? Or only thoughts suggest it?
(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is ‘you’ or ‘your body’?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all? Or are there only colors and shapes?
(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body (perhaps legs) cannot be seen.
Just by the image in the mirror, is there any ‘knowledge’ that there must be legs, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?
(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?
(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?
Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?
(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labelled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

When trying to drop the hope that things will change, the "me" doesn't go away, instead another me is emerging, one telling the story of a "hopeless me" that will "never make it", it is heavier, slower and more located in the belly region, it is sad and martyr-like, whereas the other me with the hope of change, has a more nervous feeling to it,

Does ‘hopeless me’ create a self, or is it just another thought-sensation bundle passing through, trying to plant its flag and say “I am real”?

Is there any “maker” of this process? Any entity at the center, orchestrating, suffering, hoping, despairing? Or is it all just thought and sensation, endlessly self referencing, but empty at its core?

Oh and yes, site has been down off and on this week. Messaging you my email.

Doing the exercises several times a day, I can still "understand" that there is only a flow of images, sounds, sensations + thoughts, and that the body and movements etc is just modelled by thoughts. I can see how for example a new born moving around in a room could have no concept of a self or a body, but just flow of experiences.

Doing the exercise with handmovement in the mirror, there is only image + sensation + thought gluing all together. But they seem to correlate so perfect in time, first comes the thought of moving the hand, then the image of the hand moving simultaneous as the sensation of moving the hand. It is easy to see what an extremely powerful and useful idea it is to be a body moving through space, rather than just experience a flow incomprehensible images, sounds, sensations and thoughts. It strikes me as the "thought" gluing the sensation, image and sound together, becomes almost like an "emerging" or "higher level" experience of its own. It also very much seems to me that thoughts about something preceeds what happens in images, sounds and sensations (when for example moving a hand).

So basically, I still very much feel like a body moving through space, even if I can also understand that this is just a very powerful idea.

I am still also very much struggling with the overall story of what I am doing, constantly evaluating how the exercise "goes", if I can for a moment kind of feel that there is only images, sounds, sensations, there is a "positive" feedback and if I can not feel it, there is a negative feedback, both of them taking me out of the moment into the story of what "I" am "doing".

I also noticed that I have some resistance to doing the mirror exercises, and it doesn't seem to stem from fear, but somehow "boredom" or perhaps a kind of "frustration" in the body.

I also noticed that I have some resistance to doing the mirror exercises, and it doesn't seem to stem from fear, but somehow "boredom" or perhaps a kind of "frustration" in the body.

Ok, if you can stand it, go back in. :)
One or two more rounds of this mirror exercise since it is stirring up resistance.

During the mirror walk, where does “body moving through space” show up in direct experience? In sight/sound/touch only—or as a thought about them?

Most importantly be on the lookout for this boredom and frustration. Go beneath labels: where is it exactly, what’s the texture (tight/loose, hot/cool, pulsing/static), how big, does it move? Stay with only sensation until labels fail to capture it. Notice any thought pulling to interpret or change the subject. (As a reminder, the last time there was a body based exercise there was the experience of no car moving through space and then panic set in.)

During this exercise or any other going forward, the moment evaluation shows (“this is going well/poorly”), label it SCORECARD and return to sensations and direct experience.

Report back about what is underneath embodied ‘boredom’ and ‘frustration’.

Much love,
Becca

Ok, going back into the "mirror", the feeling becomes quite strong after a little while, especially when moving my hand and looking in the mirror. Its a discomfort in the body similar to what I would experience if someone drag their nails over blackboard. It is purely physical, no fear, no existential or mental resistance (at least it doesnt feel like it). It starts in the solar plexus region and/or around the pelvic bone, but as it gets stronger it is basically in the whole body, telling me to stop. It has an itchy and energetic quality to it, not really moving, but still a kind of little bit pulsating, almost culmiating in a slight nauseau when I push on. I can't really say more about whats underneath it at this moment, but I can continue doing the excercise, it is not unbearable in any way, just unpleasant.

Very very good.

Now, while feeling this sensation, please ask it directly: What do you want?

Be present to whatever comes. It may be subtle: a word, a knowing, it could be an image, memory, anything is welcome. Whatever arises, thank it for sharing. Be with it. Follow if it moves and ask again.

Next ask:
What are you protecting?
(You can also look behind it and underneath the sensation if a response to this does not come.)