realizing selflessness

[whoknows]

OK, you’ve given me a lot to work with (and I'm glad about that) . . .

The self as a “demand-pattern” or “contraction around preference” or “refusal of what is already happening” — interesting. Yes. Rolling those ideas around in my brain.

Say internally:

“This may never become the life I wanted.”

Then stop.

What happens?

Instant tears. Contraction in the throat, chest, and face. Maybe elsewhere too, but those are the most obvious places. Definite recoil. Body saying, “NO.” (I don’t often have such strong visceral reactions to things.)

****************

I wrote the above last night. Now continuing in the morning, after a night of insomnia, maybe or maybe not related to all of this. (I appreciate your compassion and am heartened by your use of the word “close.”)

Same reaction again this morning to “This may never become the life I wanted.”

What is being defended?

A life?

An identity?

A spiritual future?

A hope that “I” will finally be safe because reality becomes agreeable?

The latter seems most accurate.

Let that hope die for ten seconds.

Not dramatically. Not heroically.

Just don’t feed it.

What remains?

Same reaction: sobbing, clenching.
And: Sitting here in bed. Birds chirping outside. The sound of electricity. Tears running down my face. The feel of the material of my sweatshirt on my arms. The sounds of typing on my laptop. Blowing my nose. Wondering what you actually had in mind with “What remains?”

You catch it by slowing the moment of resistance down.

Try it now, with the sentence:

“This may never become the life I wanted.”

Then pause.

Don’t answer mentally. Watch the body.

Where is the hit?

My body seems to be wearing out its reaction to that sentence, at least for now. No instant sobbing this time. Most noticeably: tightness in throat. Said the sentence again. Brief urge to cry.

Now ask, very simply:

What is this contraction protecting?

Didn’t immediately scroll down to your proposed possible answers.

Here comes the sobbing again.

Maybe it feels like the contraction in the throat is keeping me from screaming or wailing? “Protecting” me from . . . embarrassing myself? really acknowledging the depth of the feelings?

More sobbing.

Now scrolling down to your possible answers, which go in a bit of different direction than I went. But yes, absolutely:

“I want awakening to save me.”

Even though I can say that I know that's not how it works.

(Not sure what “The text” refers to. Maybe the “text” of the thought-story?)

So the actual practice is:

So I guess I’m doing this right now with . . . what? “This may never become the life I wanted”? Or “I want awakening to save me”? Or back to “This is only a momentary reprieve”? Or with anything I notice I’m resisting?

I guess I’ll go with “This may never become the life I wanted.”
1. Notice resistance. Check.
2. Locate it in the body. Check.
3. Let the defended fantasy speak once. (Interesting.) “I want my life to completely suit me!” Or: “I want a complete end to suffering!”
4. See the bargain. (Interesting to think of it as bargaining.) Yep: “I will accept reality only when reality finally becomes acceptable to me.”
5. Drop back below the bargain. Stay with the sensation before the story finishes building the self around it. OK, back to the sensations.

Feel the unease.

Is the unease itself unbearable?

Or is the unbearable part the demand that it disappear?

That is the cut.

Hmm . . . I know that the “right” answer is that the unease itself is bearable, and the resistance to it is what’s unbearable, but I’m not feeling that distinction at the moment.

Oh, OK, good. One more round:

Now again, with no theory:

What is being defended right now, in this exact moment?

(To be continued . . . )

****************

(OK, relocated to the coffee shop where I sometimes work.)

So: What is being defended right now, in this exact moment?

Um . . . Hmm . . . Not sure whether the intention is for me to continue with, e.g., “This may never become the life I wanted,” but I think that’s what I’ll do. Might've lost some momentum, though.

So: This may never become the life I wanted.

What is being defended right now, in this exact moment?

And where is it felt in the body?

I feel again like I’m wearing out the reaction to that for the time being. But do still feel tightness in my throat and a hint of tears wanting to come.

Defending a fantasy that I can still somehow get my life to completely suit me. But I’m now saying that more as an idea I have accepted than from a felt sense.

I've noticed that my postscripts are what you’ve been most explicitly responding to. Not sure what to make of that. Wonder if I’ll have a P.S. today.

I am so very grateful to you, vince, for the time and care you're putting into this. (Watching your interview with Pernille, I realized I’d been writing your name incorrectly, with a capital V.)

Used up much of my morning work time again. One hour left for some work before lunch . . .

[whoknows]

P.S. I am continuing to do two meditation periods a day, of 20 to 25 minutes each, and I’m wondering if you have any thoughts about what I should or shouldn’t do with that time.

Just recently, I’ve often been practicing being alert to the next thought that arises and not grabbing onto thoughts. Another possibility is what’s called shikantaza (“just sitting”) in Zen — just sitting there with 360-degree awareness of experience. I’ve also done a good bit of self-inquiry, most recently in the style of Adyashanti and Angelo DiLullo, with the intention of realizing that the “I” doesn’t exist. Or maybe you have another suggestion.

I realize that this question is, at least in part, asking, “What should I DO so that ‘I’ can ‘attain’ the ‘awakeness’ that I persist in believing isn’t already here?” But I don’t think that’s all it is. My husband and I have gotten into this routine over the past six months, and it means a lot to him, so I’m gonna be sitting there still and silent twice a day anyway and wondered if you had any thoughts about what to do, or what to definitely not do, other than being still and silent.

[vinceschubert]

I will get to respond to your last post. it just hasn't happened yet..

I am continuing to do two meditation periods a day, of 20 to 25 minutes each, and I’m wondering if you have any thoughts about what I should or shouldn’t do with that time.

Just recently, I’ve often been practicing being alert to the next thought that arises and not grabbing onto thoughts. Another possibility is what’s called shikantaza (“just sitting”) in Zen — just sitting there with 360-degree awareness of experience. I’ve also done a good bit of self-inquiry, most recently in the style of Adyashanti and Angelo DiLullo, with the intention of realizing that the “I” doesn’t exist. Or maybe you have another suggestion.

I realize that this question is, at least in part, asking, “What should I DO so that ‘I’ can ‘attain’ the ‘awakeness’ that I persist in believing isn’t already here?” But I don’t think that’s all it is. My husband and I have gotten into this routine over the past six months, and it means a lot to him, so I’m gonna be sitting there still and silent twice a day anyway and wondered if you had any thoughts about what to do, or what to definitely not do, other than being still and silent.

Keep the two sits.

But don’t make them a project.

The main thing not to do: don’t sit in order to become awake, calm, spacious, nondual, no-self, or permanently peaceful. That turns sitting into the same old bargain: “I am not there yet; this practice will get me there.” The material is explicit: effort to wake up tends to strengthen the sense of being asleep, and “doing” feeds the delusion of control, choice, success, failure, and a separate self.

So here is what I’d suggest for the 20–25 minutes.

First few minutes: arrive in raw sensation.

Feel the body without naming it too much. Pressure. Warmth. Tingling. Tightness. Pulsing. Sound. Breath. Darkness behind eyelids. Let the words be secondary.

Don’t say, “I am aware of sensation.” That subtly makes awareness into a thing and puts you back in the head. Be vigilant with that: when “awareness” becomes an object, the body gets ignored. Return to; "sensory input is enough."

Middle of the sit: watch attention itself.

This is probably the sharpest practice for you right now.

Sit quietly and notice:

Can the next thought be chosen?
Can attention be held still?
Does attention move by command, or does it move by itself?
When attention goes to thought, sound, sensation, memory, planning — was there a controller?

This is directly in the exercises: sit quietly, watch focus, notice whether “you” move it or whether it moves by itself, and whether thinking controls attention.

That cuts deeper than trying to have 360-degree awareness.

Because even “360-degree awareness” can become a spiritual posture: “I am now the open field in which everything appears.”

Fine language. But check it.

Is there actually an I doing openness?

Is there a meditator maintaining the field?

Or are sounds, sensations, thoughts, urges, breath, pressure, and space simply happening?

Last few minutes: do nothing on purpose.

Not as a technique. Just stop improving the sit.

Let thought happen.

Let dullness happen.

Let unease happen.

Let impatience happen.

Let the thought “this is a bad meditation” happen.

Let the thought “maybe this is it” happen.

Then notice: both are just thought.

The useful attitude is discovery mode: not looking for anything, but waiting to see what shows up; recognition without opinion.

So: shikantaza is fine. Watching the next thought is fine. Self-inquiry is fine. But none of them should be used as a crowbar to pry open awakening.

Use them only to expose the mechanics of selfing.

When self-inquiry happens, don’t do it as:

“I will realize the I doesn’t exist.”

Do it as:

“This thought says ‘I.’ What is actually here?”

Sensation? Thought? Image? Pressure? Mood? Memory? Anticipation?

Below the self-concept, the text says, there is sensation; to add “self” or “no-self,” thought has to come in.

So my clean recommendation:

For now, make the sit a laboratory for seeing that no meditator can be found.

Not by repeating “there is no meditator.”

By watching:

Thoughts arise.
Attention moves.
Sounds appear.
Body sensations shift.
Breath happens.
Judgments come.
Intentions come.
Resistance comes.
Interest comes.

Where is the one running it?

And be especially alert for the subtle one:

“I am doing this well.”
“I am not doing this well.”
“This is helping.”
“This isn’t helping.”
“I need a better method.”

That is the meditator-self rebuilding itself out of evaluation.

So during the sit, whenever evaluation appears, silently note:

selfing

Then feel the body.

No analysis.

Just the contraction, the lean, the urge to get somewhere.

That is the workless work. Not producing awakening. Not attaining peace. Just catching the movement that imagines peace is somewhere else.

vince

[whoknows]

Thank you for the pointers for my sitting time.

A great thing about having meditation as simply part of my daily routine is that I don’t have to decide to sit, which means I don’t need a reason to sit, so it’s easier to avoid having it become a "project."

I like the suggestions for starting the sitting period (“arrive in raw sensation”) and ending it (“do nothing on purpose”). The middle part ("watch attention itself") felt a little vague, and attending to the questions under it felt kind of complicated. (I wrote out answers to those questions but decided you probably didn't need to read all that, but I saved it, in case it would be useful to share it.) So, for the "watch attention itself" part, would it work simply to do either shikantaza or watching the next thought arise and go with your "clean recommendation" to "make the sit a laboratory for seeing that no meditator can be found"?

(I also like the suggestion, whenever evaluation appears, to note "selfing" and then feel the body. But I might have to add that later. It feels like too many moving parts to keep track of right now.)

A minor confusion/curiosity: When you say, "The material is explicit," and "This is directly in the exercises," what material and exercises do you mean?