Looking for guidance - am tired of the cycle of becoming

[Seeker2019]

I don't know. I felt a strong sensation in my head, a tightened, a contraction. It feels solid and felt like, this is where I am. But in direct experience, there was only this sensation, and a thought about it. I felt weird looking at that, it made me uneasy and it felt agitating

[Seamist]

Hi Alex

in direct experience, there was only this sensation, and a thought about it.

perfect!

I felt weird looking at that, it made me uneasy and it felt agitating

yes, it can be like that - it's so contrary to what we assume, isn't it?

Thought points to the feet being ‘down there’, so presumably you are above your feet. Where are you?
Sit quietly, take in a few deep breaths and then close your eyes.
Locate where you feel yourself to be. Locate yourself vertically in the body, horizontally to the left or right, and depth, how far in. Feel how big you are, where you reside. Then point with a finger to ‘you’. Open your eyes, where is your finger pointing?

xx

[Seeker2019]

Hi Sioned

The finger points to inside my head

[Seamist]

Can an Alex be found there in direct experience?

[Seeker2019]

No Alex can't be found.

[Seamist]

Hi Excellent
That's excellent!
Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken. This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.
Now, I’d like to ask you to explore this SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it.
Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:-
Does the sense of self have a location?
Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?
Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?
If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?
Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?
What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

xx

[Seeker2019]

Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:-
Does the sense of self have a location?

It starts as a location in the head

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Not a fixed one, it is wobbly and has unclear edges

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

No, but I get sensations all over the body when I observe it. Pressure in the chest, weird sensations in the belly.

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

I don't know, it is just sort of there and not there.

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

Sensation and sometimes unclear images


Sioned, I will be traveling a lot until the end of the year and might not always have easy internet access. Should we continue anyway or do you think we should take a break until I am back?

[Seamist]

Hi Alex

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?
Not a fixed one, it is wobbly and has unclear edges

love it!

[quote]Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?
No, but I get sensations all over the body when I observe it[/quote] good noticing

and here:

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?
I don't know, it is just sort of there and not there

I will be traveling a lot until the end of the year and might not always have easy internet access. Should we continue anyway or do you think we should take a break until I am back?

it's up to you, really - either is ok with me.Generally it's best to continue, but what feels most workable for you?

I won't post anything further till I hear back from you
xx

[Seeker2019]

Ok, then we continue but may have a little gap here and there.

Thanks again for doing this
Xx

[Seamist]

Hi
Gaps are understandable at this time of the year.
Have a look around you. You can see colours of the room, of your 'feet’, of your ‘knees’, of your ‘chest’ and perhaps of your 'hands'.
Now point a finger towards the place where others see your head and face.
What do you see? Do you see your face? Do you see your head?
Do you see anything at all there - any colours, shapes, or any movement?
Looking into the place where others see your face, do you see colours or shapes there?
What do you find?

xx

[Seeker2019]

I see a void. Sort of a nothing. I feels weird to look a that, and something on me revolts. The edges of this nothing are hard to see.

[Seamist]

Are you hiting fear?

[Seamist]

Or is it that there is simply nothing to be found?

[Seeker2019]

I am not sure if it fear. There is a very slight amount of panic present, it's feels like you go down a line of thought that you don't want to follow. I see there is nothing, and then get exited and then feel an urge to get distracted, look away

[Seamist]

Ok, that helps me to hear more about what's happening. Thanks, Alex.
Over the next few days, just be with the direct experience of this when you can. (Focusing on on bodily sensations can often be helpful). Notice thoughts that come up around it, but don't get caught up in turn, and don't believe them. Just stay with what's there in your actual simple experience.
And relax.
Does that sound ok?
You're doing great!!