The Gate

Is there anyone responsible for ‘staying with this’? Anyone who could be, as you say, ‘tricked’?

Just a little tag of me on sensation but no actually entity to be found. That releases waves of energy. Feels like endless waves. Have to come back and look again and let more release

Keep going with this then, certainly!

You’re trying to reconcile two things here:
no one in control
yet desires still pull behavior (snacks, avoiding bed)
So look directly, not conceptually....

With the snack, before the hand moves… Did a “you” choose the urge?
When the urge to keep eating is there, where is the commander? Not the thought about choosing. The actual commander. Can you find it?

Do sensations demand a response? Or does a thought say they do?

There is no state to stay in!! “Blank, don’t know anything” is just another experience the mind is trying to hold onto. Who would stay there?

In any given moment LOOK. Is there a life being lived by someone?? or sensations, thoughts, urges, movements… happening?

Much love!

Hi Becca,
Been looking at this andlots of fear continuing to come up. Harder to make sense of things.

You’re trying to reconcile two things here:
no one in control
yet desires still pull behavior (snacks, avoiding bed)
So look directly, not conceptually....

With the snack, before the hand moves… Did a “you” choose the urge?
When the urge to keep eating is there, where is the commander? Not the thought about choosing. The actual commander. Can you find it?

i can’t find a commander. But seems there must be a self concept in there somehow to continue getting caught because I don’t get caught by random objects in my surroundings because I don’t tbink of them as me.

Do sensations demand a response? Or does a thought say they do?

Thoughts do

There is no state to stay in!! “Blank, don’t know anything” is just another experience the mind is trying to hold onto. Who would stay there?

Hmm no one would but still seems that there’s markers, like feeling suffering or a sense of being here, that indicates there’s self-concepts that are being held onto, that there’s a belief that someone is living this life

In any given moment LOOK. Is there a life being lived by someone?? or sensations, thoughts, urges, movements… happening?

This brings up fear. There used to be more of a watcher-describer. There still is when I direct attention and try to see what’s happening, the one watching the appearance. And looking for that watcher brings more fear.

Much love!

Thanks! Been turning to sense of love more, the one that seems to be here when i look for it. Hoping it’s not being used as an escape..

Been turning to sense of love more, the one that seems to be here when i look for it.

Can you say more about this? What is the direct experience?

Are there two? The one who looks and the one who is seen?

Been turning to sense of love more, the one that seems to be here when i look for it.

Can you say more about this? What is the direct experience?

It seems to be when i look for safety and love, then I can feel it. So a thought about safety and love is always here happens, and then a feeling of love is here. Haven’t been doing that anymore though. Because seems to still be a way to feel better, and feels like more work than to just leave it.

Are there two? The one who looks and the one who is seen?

No, currently can’t find the one that looks. There’s just then sensations, but there’s a sense of ownership that comes and goes. But harder to find where it’s hiding. Seems that as long as body is tagged as a me, there’s an automatic thought that sensations happening in it are also mine. The body being mine is hard to see through. It just seems a given, and doesn’t clear the same way when i look at it initially. When I label it more explicitly, this body is mine, then fear starts to come in

Seems that as long as body is tagged as a me, there’s an automatic thought that sensations happening in it are also mine. The body being mine is hard to see through.

Here is an even deeper investigation of the body. Please follow each step, don't leave out any. Take your time. Don't move to the next step until the previous one is clearly seen. Repeat the exercise several times.

Stand in front of a bigger mirror.

(1) First, close the eyes and feel the sensations labeled ‘body’.

(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror?
Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?

(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labelled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?

(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labeled ‘hand’) and the image ‘of movement’? Or only thoughts suggest it?

(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is ‘you’ or ‘your body’?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all?
Or are there only colors and shapes?

(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body (perhaps legs) cannot be seen.
Just by the image in the mirror, is there any ‘knowledge’ that there must be legs, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?

(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?

(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?
Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?

(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labelled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

just updating that I’m coming back to do these a few times because fear releasing, but then labels stick back and then loosen again next time I do it. Will report back!

❤️

Still going!

Is there a sense of time in the still going? Is it fresh looking?

Is there a sense of time in the still going? Is it fresh looking?

Every time I do it, it feels like seeing through again, with fear coming up with it, but a little clearer each time. So there’s an idea that if I keep coming back to it, it gets clearer and it’ll penetrate more, so there’s an element of time there. Even in the same one time of looking, there’s the idea of trying to familiarize with this clearer reality. Applied some of the things we’d looked at about whether the past is there or a memory, and then it felt like I was getting snippets like each frame was new, but the self tightening , went back and re did the steps again and was in a state of haziness , dont know what anything is, but the labels also keep popping back, but can see them more easily, body, walking, room, past , my action, fear, impatience.

Lovely.

Is there an urgency that there is something to find? Still a sense of seeking? or has that faded?

Lovely.

Is there an urgency that there is something to find? Still a sense of seeking? or has that faded?

Hi Becca!

Sorry delayed response. Been visiting family, got sick, had a small surgery. I did the full looking sequence again, and it’s a little easier this time, still fear but less and more of a felt sense of being a nothing but also being each appearance. Brain still fogs out in fear as it’s trying to understand if this is safe. There is less of an urgency of something to find, but might be leaning into avoidance of fear more now that the brain doesn’t think finding this thing is going to solve everything now (even though it does when I’m seeing it? Brain is oddly unable to hang onto it as motivation. It’s more concerned with the fear of being nothing). It still feels like there’s a wanting to feel better when I don’t feel good but it doesn’t really know how to use this stuff to do that anymore, other than “relax a little” the clinging. The seeking has been replaced by a sense of “it’s not too bad” complacency or “I’ve already seen it and to translate that into my life consistently requires a crazy amount of work and i’m so far away.”. that is covering up not wanting to touch more suffering that appears to come at first when looking more clearly, and then is better once it settles in. Kind of like when getting into a bath that’s too hot but then it feels better after a bit. Feels like there’s self-invalidation of what’s still feeling bad, not wanting to think it’s still a lot of suffering because want to be more past the suffering out of an achievement identity. And that dampens compassion that wants to relieve more suffering in myself or a natural curiosity of knowing reality more clear. Or also like a not thinking it’s possible to be in an awesome place all the time. Some kind of no pain no gain, or i wouldn’t really be living if I’m not suffering kind of feeling. Touching compassion of wanting self to feel better, brings up fear. That seems Iike the block keeping the ball stuck in a local minimum instead of continuing downhill. Self-compassion feels selfish or dangerous, like I’d be letting other things go just to feel better. Feels the opposite message of what I’ve been taught from the world. Feels like hedonism that will for sure come with a cost, or something like that. Doesn’t know if it’s safe to follow that, or if that’s the right feeling to go with, because don’t remember that coming up a lot in teachings, like a just follow what feels good, so fear it’s the wrong direction

Self-compassion feels selfish or dangerous, like I’d be letting other things go just to feel better.

This is curious.

By ‘feels’ is it in the body or in thought?
Which is speaking?

is there an actual danger present right now?

That pull toward “feels good = dangerous”
and “suffering = safe / correct”

Look at it directly… Is that truth?


Let the fear come up fully without trying to resolve it.

Then check again. Is there actually someone here who could choose the wrong path?

This is curious.

By ‘feels’ is it in the body or in thought?
Which is speaking?

The sensation is one with a fear label (silent thought of something bad would happen) and also sadness or shame (this is for thought of that’s selfish)

is there an actual danger present right now?

No. The thought is I’m changing the self to be one that will lead to problems with others acceptance down the line. But the more that thought is seen, the more I can’t see why it’d be a big problem. Like self-compassion and being happy with self , is not quite the same as caring only about the self or being too prideful about self. Though.. I suspect self-compassion would mean less willing to sacrifice my interests for others, which I’m not necessarily good at but is what I’ve been taught one is supposed to get better at

That pull toward “feels good = dangerous”
and “suffering = safe / correct”

Look at it directly… Is that truth?

It feels unknown, like i don’t know if it’s true. Suffering more = at least i’m doing what i can to rectify the situation, and feels good now feels (or thoughts are) more like oh well, I’d prefer this even if it did lead to negative outcomes. Like a weird kind of hedonism that is very appealing but is like similar to a hedonism that i was taught isn’t good. Oddly, i engage in material hedonism (food, laziness) much more than this other kind because I feel i know the consequences logically and I’m willing to tolerate a certain amount of consequences. This kind is new and unknown and i don’t know yet, but there’s a part coming online that’s like well why should i give this up? I just want to feel good all the time if i can. Noticing it’s easier to feel good and just keep that vs feel self compassion . Some thoughts about not worthy, like need to be shamed and punished internally so i know my place and don’t try to act like I’m above my social rank or something like that

Let the fear come up fully without trying to resolve it.

Okay!

Then check again. Is there actually someone here who could choose the wrong path?

No.. but it’s very confusing to my brain. It feels so clear that someone was making a choice, and then it’s not findable the next moment. But it was clearly here. I guess it’s just a very well done illusion or trick..?

What is “self-compassion” in direct experience?

There’s a huge difference between compulsive pleasure-seeking to escape discomfort and no longer worshipping suffering. :)

Is it possible to feel good all the time?

It feels so clear that someone was making a choice, and then it’s not findable the next moment. But it was clearly here. I guess it’s just a very well done illusion or trick..?

It is THE illusion. Has there EVER been a separate controller?