Now or Never

[Ingrid]

Hello Paul,

Yesterday was my travel day. Meeting many people so lost my sense of awareness so long periods but also able to sit and just watch the world below unfold.

Sitting on a beach watching the ocean is probably the ultimate experience of knowing a huge force is unfolding and that I have zero control.

[Hopefulness]

Hi again,

Cool. Enjoy.

[Hopefulness]

Hi again,

Ready to continue? How was your vacation?

[Ingrid]

Yes. I am ready.

[Ingrid]

The vacation was lovely. Such a different world. I enjoy the climate and the change of scenery, although; I find myself feeling some discomfort with the stark change in standard of living. I don't suffer guilt or anything of that nature, but I am aware that the locales very much look on us as "other" or priviledged. And I am certainly not priviledged. Anyway, that is what happens when you go to a place that is still very much 3rd world.

[Hopefulness]

Hi again,

O.K. Any changes in seeing?

[Ingrid]

I frequently catch a thought such as "I should go to the recycling depot" appearing after the decision is made. It is almost comical sometimes. It happens all the time now.

Very much aware that my persona is a collection of thoughts and memories but I imagine this should make me feel somehow different but it does not. As I said previously , I feel trapped between worlds.

I frequently remind myself that there is no person here to be enlightened. Then I ask myself who is thinking the thought. And of course the immediate answer is that nobody is thinking the thought. I feel as if it is valuable to recognize this truth...but since it is just a thought. I end up feeling that even the most wonderful realizations are just thought.

That is where I have been. Mostly just observing my thoughts and doing "my" best not to get involved. A great many old emotions or sort of feelings from the past lately. Insecurities I had as a teenager floating past me. I didn't get invovled. But I had the thought "wow" must be 40 years since I felt like this. And shocked by how entirely out of context it was. You know....driving to my sisters place and being overcome with insecurity. Just odd stuff.

[Ingrid]

And also Merry Christmas to you. And a wonderful 2024.

[Hopefulness]

Hi again,

Thank you and the same for you as well. I can see that there is still a strong feeling element in your reality. Let's start back again with a re-reading of John Wheeler posted back on Oct. 3 and proceed from there. Notice his emphasis on the background of awareness more than the intellectual and emotional turbulence that arises within it.

[Ingrid]

That was a lovely post. Clean and clear and to the point. Everything being seen appears in awareness, only we have been conditioned to think we are seeing objects...and that I am an object.

Many years of conditioning plus the fact the most people are still living in the movie.

The mind does seem to be producing thoughts that are helpful these days. Little pokes and prods. " That is just a thought, drop it". That sort of thing. So I find that simply being my awareness is being more comfortable and effortless. But I recognize that this is still me being led by thought. I wrestle with that a bit.

There is still a wish that some magic wand will "snap" me out of a thought based life.

[Hopefulness]

Hi again,

Let’s look directly at this impersonal aware knowingness: In a well lighted room close your eyes. Notice at your eyelids that the light of the room shining on your eye lids creates an inner glow upon your closed translucent eyelids. You will see an orangey-red color at your eyes lids. What is it that is observing this color? It will seem as though your aware consciousness occupies a place a few inches behind the eyes and its attention is directed at the eyelids in front. Notice your aware presence as being the place from where you are looking forward from at the orangey color. Are you “aware” of the color? Now be aware of your awareness just as it is. Does this awareness have any color, shape, substance or dimension of its own? Or is it simply an empty presence of aware knowing? Review these last two questions again and again until it becomes clear that “you” are actually this empty, clear and aware knowing. When this is seen clearly, instead of recognizing the emptiness of thoughts and self as the empty nature of the clouds that appear in the sky, the empty nature of the sky itself is recognized; the empty cognitive space in which all appearances appear and disappear.

Do this whenever you have a quiet moment to spare.

[Ingrid]

Thank you for that.

My thoughts like to explain the world to awareness. Awareness is utterly neutral about everything.

[Hopefulness]

Hi again,

Sorry for the delay. So you've had enough time now to question the truth, relative truth, or falsity of thoughts and stories about reality. You are also aware now of the background in which all objects-including thoughts and sensations-arise. What I want you to look at now is what gives the "my" thought immunity from this hard examination. How is it that you see the nature of thoughts and stories but the "my thought"- which is just another thought like any other-escapes the close scrutiny of true or false? What gives the "my" thought authority to "judge" other thoughts as true or false? What gives the "my" thought "ownership" over anything, including the background of awareness? Is "my" an actual thing or just another word?

Stay with the exercise as often as possible. Is awareness "owned"?

[Ingrid]

Wow.....that was an interesting post. I have accepted the concept of "no Ingrid", but still I refer to awareness as "my". This is just a case of assuming a different identity.

Thank you for giving me something else to chew on.

Last night as I was reading, my little cat came and sat on me looking to be pet. As I was rubbing her back and looking at her, I had a knowing that the hand I could see stroking her was not "me". It only stayed with me for a moment but it was a very visceral disconnect between the body and what I am . Just thought I would throw that out. I have odd little things from time to time and I know that my sense of self is changing. No fancy state...just little moments.

I will work on the "my awareness" thoughts. I probably could work on that for a long time.

Please don't feel a need to answer me each day. It is the holidays and you have a life. Only when it suits you.

[Hopefulness]

Hi again,

I have odd little things from time to time and I know that my sense of self is changing. No fancy state...just little moments.

Describe the "sense of self."