Hello!-JoshO

[Elad]

I wish we could do more for you in any really tangible way and I doubt it.

[JoshuaO]

Dear Elad -

Again, you first please:

“Seems here seeing is happening, maybe it had happened before we started. You are waiting for life to get better. I can't provide that. All these feelings and dynamics and challenges you describe are part life here too.”

and then:

“I wish we could do more for you in any really tangible way and I doubt it.”

The desire to express how much I have wanted to come to back to this space today arises here, along with the desire to insist to you that any ability to learn to speak this “game” language, as I now appear to have done, may look like “seeing” but does not feel like freedom.

Are those desires the self? I have learned to say that they are not, but doubt (as Pernille points to) is actually here with me as I say they are not.

The yearning to find my way through what now feels like a tangled thicket, a mess, of unclarity and confusion and yearning and depression, arises here (and has been here plenty today too, BTW, though that may not be relevant now to discussing what’s arising now). Is that yearning the self? I don’t know what it is other than that it is obviously yearning. It is a mess of feelings.

The desire to mention that I watched the last ten minutes of Pernille’s 2nd video just before writing to you now arises here/now, along with the desire to tell you that I was only slimly able to follow her points. Is that desire the self? I know to say that it’s not, that it is a desire. Do I know what it is? I know that it is a desire.

The urge to point out that I’m not sure that I have been living up to, or fully inhabiting, the opportunity provided by the “game” you introduced me to, arises here. Is that urge the self? All I know is that it is an urge.

The desire arises to tell you…
that I’m not sure when I stopped noticing whether I was really actually not-finding or not-seeing self in any, in all, of the unstoppably arising movements of life.

Is that desire the self?

The desire arises to tell you that I really don’t want to break the rules of the game as you have given them to me.

The desire to tell you that I was horrifed, back whenever that was, when it turned out I had broken the rules, fallen out of the game, as you pointed out when you pointed it out, arises here.

Is that desire the self? At this point, the desire to speak as truly as I can, even as I am afraid to do so too, arises here.

The desire arises to tell you that I don’t know what I’m seeing or not seeing now.

The hope arises that I am not treating ill any of what you have given me or tried to impart here, Elad. is that hope the self? What I know is that it is a genuine hope.

The desire to ask you to pardon me if I have done wrong here, or overstepped, or transgressed inappropriately, arises here. Is that desire the self? I know the convention is to say that it is not, that it is just a desire.

But the urge to point out that even if I have learned to parrot the terms of the game correctly, it may not mean that I am inhabiting the game fully enough, arises here. Is that urge the self? It’s an urge, and it was here.

The desire not to break the rules, to avoid “being bad,” arises here. Somewhat dismissive, negative thoughts about my own character and fate arise here. Are all these desires and thoughts the self? I forking surely hope not, but what I know is that they are desires and thoughts that arise and pass away, like all these other forms.

The desire to ask you please not to give up on me, Elad, arises here. Is that desire the self? I know for sure that it is a desire.

The hope re-occurs that I have not transgressed unforgiveably here, and that you meant what you said about “plenty of time” just a few days ago. Is that hope the self? It is a hope.

The desire to close for now arises here, Elad. Is that desire the self? It is a desire.

The hope that all of this will somehow help move things forward here arises inside here Elad. Is that hope the self? It is a genuine hope.

The desire to say “good night” for now, and thank you, and to pause for now arises here, Elad. Are those desires the self? They are surely desires.

Good night, Elad. Thank you. I hope to hear from you again soon.

With best wishes and sincere thanks from
Joshua

[Elad]

Dear Elad -

Again, you first please:

“Seems here seeing is happening, maybe it had happened before we started. You are waiting for life to get better. I can't provide that. All these feelings and dynamics and challenges you describe are part life here too.”

and then:

“I wish we could do more for you in any really tangible way and I doubt it.”

The desire to express how much I have wanted to come to back to this space today arises here, along with the desire to insist to you that any ability to learn to speak this “game” language, as I now appear to have done, may look like “seeing” but does not feel like freedom.

Are those desires the self? I have learned to say that they are not, but doubt (as Pernille points to) is actually here with me as I say they are not.

The yearning to find my way through what now feels like a tangled thicket, a mess, of unclarity and confusion and yearning and depression, arises here (and has been here plenty today too, BTW, though that may not be relevant now to discussing what’s arising now). Is that yearning the self? I don’t know what it is other than that it is obviously yearning. It is a mess of feelings.

The desire to mention that I watched the last ten minutes of Pernille’s 2nd video just before writing to you now arises here/now, along with the desire to tell you that I was only slimly able to follow her points. Is that desire the self? I know to say that it’s not, that it is a desire. Do I know what it is? I know that it is a desire.

The urge to point out that I’m not sure that I have been living up to, or fully inhabiting, the opportunity provided by the “game” you introduced me to, arises here. Is that urge the self? All I know is that it is an urge.

The desire arises to tell you…
that I’m not sure when I stopped noticing whether I was really actually not-finding or not-seeing self in any, in all, of the unstoppably arising movements of life.

Is that desire the self?

The desire arises to tell you that I really don’t want to break the rules of the game as you have given them to me.

The desire to tell you that I was horrifed, back whenever that was, when it turned out I had broken the rules, fallen out of the game, as you pointed out when you pointed it out, arises here.

Is that desire the self? At this point, the desire to speak as truly as I can, even as I am afraid to do so too, arises here.

The desire arises to tell you that I don’t know what I’m seeing or not seeing now.

The hope arises that I am not treating ill any of what you have given me or tried to impart here, Elad. is that hope the self? What I know is that it is a genuine hope.

The desire to ask you to pardon me if I have done wrong here, or overstepped, or transgressed inappropriately, arises here. Is that desire the self? I know the convention is to say that it is not, that it is just a desire.

But the urge to point out that even if I have learned to parrot the terms of the game correctly, it may not mean that I am inhabiting the game fully enough, arises here. Is that urge the self? It’s an urge, and it was here.

The desire not to break the rules, to avoid “being bad,” arises here. Somewhat dismissive, negative thoughts about my own character and fate arise here. Are all these desires and thoughts the self? I forking surely hope not, but what I know is that they are desires and thoughts that arise and pass away, like all these other forms.

The desire to ask you please not to give up on me, Elad, arises here. Is that desire the self? I know for sure that it is a desire.

The hope re-occurs that I have not transgressed unforgiveably here, and that you meant what you said about “plenty of time” just a few days ago. Is that hope the self? It is a hope.

The desire to close for now arises here, Elad. Is that desire the self? It is a desire.

The hope that all of this will somehow help move things forward here arises inside here Elad. Is that hope the self? It is a genuine hope.

The desire to say “good night” for now, and thank you, and to pause for now arises here, Elad. Are those desires the self? They are surely desires.

Good night, Elad. Thank you. I hope to hear from you again soon.

With best wishes and sincere thanks from
Joshua

Let's drop games for now. Has nothing to do with transgressing. The lack of self-respect in this writing saddens me.

[Elad]

Maybe rant some about how you have experienced this process so far. Where has it been helpful, where not. Where did you feel I understood you, where not.

[Elad]

Maybe rant some about how you have experienced this process so far. Where has it been helpful, where not. Where did you feel I understood you, where not.

I see you whole, and neither your ego and darkness, nor your love and truth is foreign to.

[JoshuaO]

Greetings and good morning Elad -

Normally I would not write in yet, but I am doing so now to ask if you help me understand with greater clarity what you meant to say when you wrote:

"I see you whole, and neither your ego and darkness, nor your love and truth is foreign to."

Thank you for all your care and attention, Elad. I hope to hear from you briefly soon and look forward to responding more fully later on.

Best wishes from
Joshua

[Elad]

Greetings and good morning Elad -

Normally I would not write in yet, but I am doing so now to ask if you help me understand with greater clarity what you meant to say when you wrote:

"I see you whole, and neither your ego and darkness, nor your love and truth is foreign to."

Thank you for all your care and attention, Elad. I hope to hear from you briefly soon and look forward to responding more fully later on.

Best wishes from
Joshua

Foreign to *me*, there was a me missing :)

Meant to say that everything you express and the movements of behavior, thinking, intention, feeling, etc. all seem relatable to me.

[JoshuaO]

Dear Elad:

Greetings. First you:

“Let's drop games for now. Has nothing to do with transgressing. The lack of self-respect in this writing saddens me.

Maybe rant some about how you have experienced this process so far. Where has it been helpful, where not. Where did you feel I understood you, where not.

I see you whole, and neither your ego and darkness, nor your love and truth is foreign to…

Foreign to *me*, there was a me missing :)

Meant to say that everything you express and the movements of behavior, thinking, intention, feeling, etc. all seem relatable to me.”

I am glad to hear that.

And I am very eager to continue, and to rant, and to proceed as well as possible.

I intended to sit down, at this late hour now, and say that I really need to pick this up tomorrow, that it’s become too late to do fully what I need and want to do, whatever that may turn out to be, ranting etc.

But although it’s late, I am torn. I really do feel the need to try and get enough rest to make the rest of this life on earth as manageable as I can.

But I have a very great deal that I want to describe, tell you about, rant about, Elad — not so much about this process of the last few months (although some, surely), but more about where all things have come to in this process of decades, how I feel that I may have wasted my life searching for something that I cannot and maybe will not be able to find.

There’s a great deal in here, Elad, and I don’t know how to talk about it all in this moment, how to illustrate for you that this process, that this searching, that this “spiritual path” upon which I embarked many years ago now… I have honestly put it at the center of my life and aspiration. And while I am not 100% certain that I have blown it, that I have utterly “thrown away my shot” (to paraphrase Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton) in this life… things are, and I am, feeling very very low indeed.

And that’s just a beginning. I don’t even know specifically to what you were referring when you wrote “the lack of self-respect in this writing saddens me,” but I do know that there is a very deep and serious disappointment in myself and what “I have made of this life” that is very much with me these days.

I don’t know if it will be wisest or most skillful or most useful to describe anything about what I have done in the past, or how I have chosen to live my life to this point. But at this point, in very broad terms, I am feeling like I was once a young man with talent, intelligence and potential, and that I have realized very very little. I could even say that I feel as if I bet my life on the possibility, the reality, of spiritual awakening, — obviously without really knowing what I was talking about, doing, or trying to head toward — and that so far, my efforts are a forking bust.

That will perhaps do for a start.

It wasn’t exactly a rant, not yet, but it was too hard to go straight to bed without at least beginning something here.

Thank you again for your kind and continuing attention, Elad. I look forward to reconnecting with you again soon.

With best wishes from
Joshua

[Elad]

Dear Elad:

Greetings. First you:

“Let's drop games for now. Has nothing to do with transgressing. The lack of self-respect in this writing saddens me.

Maybe rant some about how you have experienced this process so far. Where has it been helpful, where not. Where did you feel I understood you, where not.

I see you whole, and neither your ego and darkness, nor your love and truth is foreign to…

Foreign to *me*, there was a me missing :)

Meant to say that everything you express and the movements of behavior, thinking, intention, feeling, etc. all seem relatable to me.”

I am glad to hear that.

And I am very eager to continue, and to rant, and to proceed as well as possible.

I intended to sit down, at this late hour now, and say that I really need to pick this up tomorrow, that it’s become too late to do fully what I need and want to do, whatever that may turn out to be, ranting etc.

But although it’s late, I am torn. I really do feel the need to try and get enough rest to make the rest of this life on earth as manageable as I can.

But I have a very great deal that I want to describe, tell you about, rant about, Elad — not so much about this process of the last few months (although some, surely), but more about where all things have come to in this process of decades, how I feel that I may have wasted my life searching for something that I cannot and maybe will not be able to find.

There’s a great deal in here, Elad, and I don’t know how to talk about it all in this moment, how to illustrate for you that this process, that this searching, that this “spiritual path” upon which I embarked many years ago now… I have honestly put it at the center of my life and aspiration. And while I am not 100% certain that I have blown it, that I have utterly “thrown away my shot” (to paraphrase Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton) in this life… things are, and I am, feeling very very low indeed.

And that’s just a beginning. I don’t even know specifically to what you were referring when you wrote “the lack of self-respect in this writing saddens me,” but I do know that there is a very deep and serious disappointment in myself and what “I have made of this life” that is very much with me these days.

I don’t know if it will be wisest or most skillful or most useful to describe anything about what I have done in the past, or how I have chosen to live my life to this point. But at this point, in very broad terms, I am feeling like I was once a young man with talent, intelligence and potential, and that I have realized very very little. I could even say that I feel as if I bet my life on the possibility, the reality, of spiritual awakening, — obviously without really knowing what I was talking about, doing, or trying to head toward — and that so far, my efforts are a forking bust.

That will perhaps do for a start.

It wasn’t exactly a rant, not yet, but it was too hard to go straight to bed without at least beginning something here.

Thank you again for your kind and continuing attention, Elad. I look forward to reconnecting with you again soon.

With best wishes from
Joshua

Thanks Josh.

1) It's like you are taling the worst from all worlds. You don't believe your experience when it comes to your seeing no self and openness of life. And yet you believe you are capable of negatively evaluating yourself and your life.

2) I am questioning if this way of work is best for you right now. Maybe one or a few sessions of nondual style therapy would be more genuinely helpful, then this can be resumed if wanted and needed. I said before I had that feeling quite a while ago, but respected your expressed wish to focus in this way.

3) Answer this question properly: Rant some about how you have experienced this process so far. Where has it been helpful, where not. Where did you feel I understood you, where not.

[Elad]

*taking* the worst

[Elad]

*taking* the worst

Re (1) if you turn around where you doubt and where you trust it will do wonders.

[JoshuaO]

Dear Elad -

First, you: "Thanks Josh.

1) It's like you are taking the worst from all worlds. You don't believe your experience when it comes to your seeing no self and openness of life. And yet you believe you are capable of negatively evaluating yourself and your life.

2) I am questioning if this way of work is best for you right now. Maybe one or a few sessions of nondual style therapy would be more genuinely helpful, then this can be resumed if wanted and needed. I said before I had that feeling quite a while ago, but respected your expressed wish to focus in this way.

3) Answer this question properly: Rant some about how you have experienced this process so far. Where has it been helpful, where not. Where did you feel I understood you, where not."

--
Dear Elad -

I can't really take the time to do this right now, write to you this way -- I'm at my office, and I will properly be putting my attention on work matters only while I'm here. But this is an extraordinary moment, so I'll begin it here. Brief answers only for now, ranting later:

1. It seems to me that you are right about #1.

2. I would be tremendously interested and grateful to do one or (I guess I hope) more sessions of nondual style therapy together with you. I immediately feel concerned about how to pay you properly, but the chance to do this strikes me as a really important one. Thank you for reiterating your thought/feeling on that topic.

3. Rant will have to come (at least a little, probably much) later, I hope today.

Thank you again.
Best wishes from
Joshua

[JoshuaO]

Part 2, Briefly:

Hi Elad -
I only just now, after hitting send on my last note, saw the last point you made about #1:

"Re (1) if you turn around where you doubt and where you trust it will do wonders."

I would love to do that! How do I do that? Wonders are needed very much here.

Thank you again for your care. I look forward to reconnecting again soon.

Best wishes from
Josh(ua)

[JoshuaO]

Now, it’s much later in the day… And I am going to put off ranting for the morrow. Thank you Elad. Just wanted to check in at end of day to say thank you again. I will do my best to rant effectively tomorrow and later this weekend.

Many thanks and best wishes from
Joshua

[Elad]

Hi Joshua,

How to turn around? What is trustworthy- simple attention or your habitual self-centered stories? If you answer this question from looking and not from ego, you turn around what you trust and what you doubt, re (1).

Re live-sessions, we could start with one. Such sessions are my livelihood. We could do at least one or a few in a spirit of Dana, meaning you give/support me as is sustainable and appropriate for you. Write me at eladexplore1111@gmail.com to arrange.