Truly Desperately Lost

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Matthias.

its been a while. I was out doing things. Did not think a lot about LU. It was quiet (although I was quite busy workwise), a bit vacation. Needed a bit rest after the turmoil.
I am confused as to where to go or look and where not? With Sioned I had tasks to do, that felt good, as it gave me an idea of accomplishment and progress. Now I am a bit forlorn. Sitting at a roadside, watching the traffic, doing nothing, ruminating a bit, sorting some pebbles in the vicinity, walking a bit here and there. Not knowing what to do nor why.

It's called indulgence.

It is hard to exactly come up with words how it is at the moment. It is distanciated, but not indifferent, relaxed, but not without effort, not dull, but without getting caught up in emotion.

If you have set yourself to achieve some delightful relaxed state then all you've achieved is to set yourself up for failure. Which has its benefits, in that failure provides the richest discovery.

I fell back into the normality of life, with all the stuff going on, but I am still sitting there sorting pebbles. In a sense it is exactly as always (thoughts, habits, emotions etc.), but somehow also not as before.
Did I lose something? But what was it? Something changed, but I do not know what. Is that just an illusion? Another state?
How long will this stay? Also not important to have an answer for that.
The world did not explode into miracoulousness. I do my daily stuff. Some good things, some bad, some with joy, others with disklike.
Words showing up at the screen, hands writing. Not sure why I decided to write at all.
Am I confused?

Yes, you're fooling yourself. But you know that.

You're an intelligent fella, so give yourself a kick up the arse, and stop being such a lazy seeker.

;)

With much love,
John

[Zeno]

It's called indulgence.

love it

so give yourself a kick up the arse, and stop being such a lazy seeker.

John, I am tired of seeking.
I also do not have a clue ... anymore ...? Am even clueless about my cluelessness.

Kicking arse is a good point though, you hit the bullseye.

Warmly
Matthias

[s-p-a-c-e]

...had my arse kicked so many times, I tattooed a target on there.
*not really :D

Will post tomorrow, sleep calls.

/John

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Matthias,

A new day, the tadpoles in the pond are getting fatter and growing legs, it's non-stop.

Is there a Matthias in your head?

Is this you?

Ta,
john

[Zeno]

Good Morning John (now its evening, took me a day to think about this),

It is a quiet day. Had interesting dreams involving Matthias the neverending failure. Never up to the tasks he thinks needed to be achieved. Poor chap. He was sobbing in the dream for feeling so weighed down by a pressure he perceives as coming from others (personated in the dream as moral authorities from real life). But it is just himself. I am compassionate aboutt him really. In the dream, he was comforted by two unknown women (think I know them from a life between life journey, wise beings, guides from a different realm). In the dream I became aware of this being a dream.
Who is that, being aware of impersonating/being Matthias?

Is there a Matthias in your head?

Yes there is a Matthias. He is a combination
- of word-thought stories. Constantly subvocalized with a sense of centeredness around the throat, upper chest. Love those stories a lot, really intriguing.
- of an inner-representation-sense construct (body senses, visual, sonic). Overlay of an body image/picture with sensation that orients and sorts sensations and establishes space. Whole body sensations, with centre around head area. Can get lost in it, but does not work as recluse.
- of a vast, huge, no limits imaginary fictional landscape of future and past. Mostly visual-mind-images (hesitant to call it thought, very powerful). At times also sonic and sensual imagery. All centered. Perspective is coming from a point / has direction (in/out; often behind eye centered, but at times different location). Very comforting. Trained more than 50k hours hours to be that good in it (PhD physics only 20kh). Hugely dominating what Matthias is. I am trained to get lost in it. So that's what I do many times a day.
- of abstract/content related thought. That is not Matthias, but the content is mostly repetitive and informs what Matthias is.
- of a mostly separate dream world during sleep. Separated but informing.
- of habits and patterns. Trained by choice or by coincidence-history (karma?). No easy way to get around or even change those. Childhood heritage is such a huge thing, I always denied it. I did not want it to define "me". Though I am not "it", it nevertheless is hugely influencing my patterings. Changeable nevertheless. Less strangling recently.

This all comes with a body-sense-mind-perception-"tone" of being/existing/happening. It is visceral. Undeniable.

I AM

Or, things are, or, there is, or, things change, or, life occurs. But it just plainly is. I have no idea of how it would be differently. Any idea of would be all thought anyway.
The thing is that it just is, as it is.
In that, all is the same. It establishes a ground of being.

Strangely that is also where curiosity is born. What will happen? what will change? Pure fun, it is.
I call that shifted or glimpses. Soon, often, the vastness narrows down and "I am locked again".
Locked? Nothing is locked. Nothing ever locks. Change again.
I can sometimes cut the visceral feeling from the body-sense-mind perceptions. Thought e.g. is invoking that comfortable orientated, centered "I" feeling. To cut that, cold showers usually work well. But no stability.

However, why is there no trust in the ride? Why always goals?
Goals are ok. Will is ok. No need to get rid of that. It is just happening and also ok.

Is this you?

I am. Matthias is not me. But I am. Undeniable.
I do not know who I am. Does it matter? Less and less recently.
Strange. I am sailing the ocean without destiny, just sailing. But I do care where I am going.
There is will, ethics, effort, doers, actors. Still unattached.

Calmness touches my soul. First time ever.
Ahh

Guess I had too much wine.

Matthias

[s-p-a-c-e]

Ok, I AM is the stage on which 'Matthias' plays - voice, feelings, props etc.
Watch the show till you get bored.

Now, the stage is not static.
It is dynamic.

Yes, I AM looks all architectural and unmoving - but face value is a devil in disguise.

Is there anything observable, that is you?

[Zeno]

Code: Select all

Is there anything observable, that is you?

Feeling stressed out by this. The more effort to find anything, the less is findable. Tiredness here. Some desperate body sensation. Like when you have done a 10 mile run and 100 more to come. Urge to stop and just be.

Undeniably there is awareness. As you pointed out, an obvious observation. I am, so what?

Is there anything observable that is me?
Well, yes. A richness of stuff going on, that is known. It is not, not happening. Everchanging.

Known by whom?
Well, there is a thought story adressing that gap. Woven into the stream ... of hmm... the occurring?

I am watching the gras in the wind, hear street sounds, my body sits on a comfortable sofa -> gras moves the wind, streets sounding noise, a sofa sits a man, thoughts think and a body senses Me. Lets name him Matthias.

No boundary to be found whatsoever between the visceral feeling of amness (being), presence, hereness and all the stuff that is happening, colors, shapes, sounds, smells, sensations, thoughts.

I am still falling out of that, not able seeing it. Training? Mistrust?

Is there anything observable that is me?
Well no. There is no Me to be found. No core nor shell. I searched the whole landscape, futile.

Still you ask me questions from over there, John.

Result:
There is no me to be found. But I feel me while everything moves in intricate patterns. And I read from you.
Fascinating.

I feel honest gratitude that you walk with me in this and do not let me down.
Thanks!
Matthias?

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hiya,

Is there anything observable that is me?
Well no. There is no Me to be found. No core nor shell. I searched the whole landscape, futile.

Now I didn't ask is there a me to be found. :) Boring question.

Is there anything observable that is you?

Still you ask me questions from over there, John.

Over-thinking.

Result:
There is no me to be found. But I feel me while everything moves in intricate patterns. And I read from you.
Fascinating.

Ok, But I feel me while everything moves.

So maybe this whole thing about observing this or that, looking for a 'me' that isn't, over here, over there, was nonsense anyway.

You were here all along.

...just not as you thought.

Imagine that.

Much love,
John

[Zeno]

So maybe this whole thing about observing this or that, looking for a 'me' that isn't, over here, over there, was nonsense anyway.

Still laughing. Yeah maybe. Hahahahaha :) ;)
Almost a bit hysterically laughing. What a joke. All these hints. Not seen. Me just isn't. Searching for something that was never there, to get rid of it, without actually knowing what it is. Nobody knows. But we all think we know and that we have it. Hahaha.

Is there anything observable that is you?

Yes. I am here. Hello John! :)

I observe a visual perspective, sounds, feeling tones, emotions, image-stories, thinking, a Matthias storyline of memories. It is all not me, but I experience it nevertheless. No-thing observable is me! Am I all observable things?

[Zeno]

Am I all observable things?

No. Looking for an observable thing that is me, it dissolves. Even the trusted gut feeling of being me - is just a gut sensation. So even the whole field, everything, together is not me.
Nevertheless I am aware of all these observable things happening, the whole field, which I am not.
Strange.

Thanks John
Matthias

[s-p-a-c-e]

Am I all observable things?

No. Looking for an observable thing that is me, it dissolves. Even the trusted gut feeling of being me - is just a gut sensation. So even the whole field, everything, together is not me.
Nevertheless I am aware of all these observable things happening, the whole field, which I am not.
Strange.

"So even the whole field, everything, together is not me."

Whether the whole field be me, not me, not not me :) is a moot point - reflecting this distinction we're applying.

So, this distinction, of 'me/not me' - let it go for now. *drops into small box, closes lid :)

What are you left with being?

Much love,
John

[Zeno]

not not me :)

Love it. *laughing*

What are you left with being?

Me? :)

No. Seriously. I am left with life. It is a whole lot of stuff going on here. Thoughts, emotions, sensations, patterns, things, other people. All moving and changing. A cacophony at times, enjoyable nevertheless.

Warmly
Matthias

p.s. Matthias is sitting there, at the park bench with my inner Samurai (inner intellect). Samurai is a figure from hypnotherapy. I can only go down into trance, when he is sitting at the bench, watching closely, but not interfering. They have a chat.

[s-p-a-c-e]

What are you left with being?

Me? :)

No. Seriously. I am left with life. It is a whole lot of stuff going on here. Thoughts, emotions, sensations, patterns, things, other people. All moving and changing. A cacophony at times, enjoyable nevertheless.

p.s. Matthias is sitting there, at the park bench with my inner Samurai (inner intellect). Samurai is a figure from hypnotherapy. I can only go down into trance, when he is sitting at the bench, watching closely, but not interfering. They have a chat.

How would you describe the difference (if possible :) ) between being here and the perception/identification as 'Matthias'?

Much love,
John

[Zeno]

How would you describe the difference (if possible :) ) between being here and the perception/identification as 'Matthias'?

"Being here" is mainly ... quiet. Almost silent, despite the many things going on. Fear of losing identification is mostly gone replaced by a deeper trust.

However it is still the case that I am "caught" into identification. Being Matthias comes with its ups and downs. Advantage is e.g. that it is important for others. Also it can be fun. Other parts are less pleasant.

There is a "minimal gap" or "vanishing gap" between "Being here" and Matthias. The gap is huge in principal, but difficult to spot and easily missed. Like when you see the image in the mirror, but miss the mirror itself. The knowledge of this gap is really known and trusted now. When lost in identification, I trust that "being here" comes back naturally or automatically. Something seems to have fallen into its place. Maybe trust made it "click", I do not know.

There are different shades between "being here" and identification. It seems flexible to an extent and customizable. It looks more like a starting point for another journey.

What is a bit strange is that I definitely lack a feeling of attainment. I also did not notice a definite click. It is more like: *no-click* ... huh? ... ok ... what's next?
Not that woods are bad, but it feels like I am coming out of the woods. Landscapes change. What wonders that might bring?

Thanks John
Matthias

[s-p-a-c-e]

How would you describe the difference (if possible :) ) between being here and the perception/identification as 'Matthias'?

"Being here" is mainly ... quiet. Almost silent, despite the many things going on. Fear of losing identification is mostly gone replaced by a deeper trust.

However it is still the case that I am "caught" into identification. Being Matthias comes with its ups and downs. Advantage is e.g. that it is important for others. Also it can be fun. Other parts are less pleasant.

There is a "minimal gap" or "vanishing gap" between "Being here" and Matthias. The gap is huge in principal, but difficult to spot and easily missed. Like when you see the image in the mirror, but miss the mirror itself. The knowledge of this gap is really known and trusted now. When lost in identification, I trust that "being here" comes back naturally or automatically. Something seems to have fallen into its place. Maybe trust made it "click", I do not know.

There are different shades between "being here" and identification. It seems flexible to an extent and customizable. It looks more like a starting point for another journey.

What is a bit strange is that I definitely lack a feeling of attainment. I also did not notice a definite click. It is more like: *no-click* ... huh? ... ok ... what's next?
Not that woods are bad, but it feels like I am coming out of the woods. Landscapes change. What wonders that might bring?

Ok, thank you.

I want you to try to re-inhabit the 'Matthias' jacket, consciously.

Bring the Matthias/Me persona to mind and try to step inside it, such that you are 'him'.

Give it your best shot.

Much love,
John