The truth doesn't need my belief to exist

[Jadzia]

Can you point to the moment you moved from an intellectual-based understanding of their being no separate self as it is thought to be, to an holistic experience of it?

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

Can you point to the moment you moved from an intellectual-based understanding of their being no separate self as it is thought to be, to an holistic experience of it?

I think of two instances.
The first, when there was just sound, just hearing. No listener.
Then there was the time when I was perceiving a scratch & me as two separate things. Then I realised there wasn’t a me, it was just thoughts & sensations.

[Jadzia]

This shows beautifully how important it is just to look and in your case look out for expectations. :-)

Here are the other questions:
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
6) Anything to add?

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

Here are the other questions:
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion of self begins with an assumption. Certain combinations of thoughts & sensations provide a sense of self. Language & culture teach, propping up. We live in a world of objects.
Certain combinations of sensations & thoughts repeat & what we get used to, is what we assume is self, truth.
These combinations that we have become used to, could be called attachments. & when we feel pain or pleasure through attachment to self & other objects, this reinforces the ‘realness’ of the self.
At the base of these attachments is the sense of self. An assumption that there is a controlling, decision making entity.
Through investigation is becomes clear that there is no entity. All it just happening, thoughts are scrambling to catch up with commentary & the attachments are programmed habitual responses.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

Underwhelmed. It is not that different. My mind is confused that it cannot guide me in a way that I had assumed it had. But on the other side, my mind cannot lead me into more trouble!

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

I saw an itch & myself as two separate things, observer & the observed. I investigated myself & found no observer.

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

I don't know what the implications are. It seems to me that there could be some self destructive habits formed (drinking) as I drop the pretense of all this self improvement. Maybe a lack of ambition for career.
I’m confused about the role I play. We need to wear a mask so others can see us.

6) Anything to add?

My own death is much more intimate in awareness.

I understand that there maybe time required for integration & settling down. I am peaceful & happy. Just a little lost.

Thank you for all your time over the last few months.
Much Love, Happy Christmas!

[Jadzia]

Thank you.

Underwhelmed. It is not that different.

Nope, true. Nothing wrong with not lifting off and disappearing into permanent bliss. ;-)
If you drop all expectations for one moment: Choose three adjectives which describe the difference before and after.

I’m confused about the role I play. We need to wear a mask so others can see us.

Get it.
What exactly is this role for you, this role of the self?
Will the life as it is played out will disappear and one vanishes?
Is there a need to play a role or is playing happening?

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

If you drop all expectations for one moment: Choose three adjectives which describe the difference before and after.

Before
Knowing
Relentless
Driven

After
Resigned
Reconciled
Embracing

I’m confused about the role I play. We need to wear a mask so others can see us.
Get it.
What exactly is this role for you, this role of the self?
Will the life as it is played out will disappear and one vanishes?
Is there a need to play a role or is playing happening?

The role, what i think I'm supposed to do, but we have uncovered that this is not so. There is no controlling entity to try and meet expectations.

Will it disappear, no, nothing changes.

The need to play a role?
Everything is just happening, so this includes the role. I just need to unpack the expectations about who I am & what I am supposed to do.
On further investigation it all dissolves. Quite a bit of autopilot to catch

[Jadzia]

Beautiful, thank you so much.

I will show your answers to other guides now to give them a chance to ask questions and come back to you. Due to time of year it might take a bit.

See ya,
Jadzia

[Jadzia]

Hi, here are two questions by another guide:
Do you feel quite clear or 'done', as far as seeing through the self?
And
Are there any remaing doubts or niggles or can you say with a big fat YES that the illusion is seen?

Love
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

Hi and thank you Jadzia

Hi, here are two questions by another guide:
Do you feel quite clear or 'done', as far as seeing through the self?

I have been mulling over these questions for a few days. I have to say “No”. I am not clear or done, as far as seeing through the self.

I have a very clear understanding of everything we have talked about, but I do not feel clearly done.

Are there any remaining doubts or niggles or can you say with a big fat YES that the illusion is seen?
Yes, I have lots of doubts.

I have spent the last few weeks watching & listening to the LU stuff on youtube. It all makes perfect sense. But when I get back to myself, alone in investigation, I am confused. I think I fall for my own stories.

[Jadzia]

I have a very clear understanding of everything we have talked about, but I do not feel clearly done.

How would feeling clearly done would be? Describe.
What is still missing?

I think I fall for my own stories.

How does this happen? What tells that there is a falling for story, how do you know it? Describe.And what kind of stories?

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

I have a very clear understanding of everything we have talked about, but I do not feel clearly done.
How would feeling clearly done would be? Describe.
What is still missing?

I feel there is still doubt. I have continued to search for the self. No sign. But one of your questions asked if I was really sure, & this prompted doubt.

What is missing? The feeling of being sure.

I think I fall for my own stories.
How does this happen? What tells that there is a falling for story, how do you know it? Describe.And what kind of stories?

The internal narrator is a smooth talker.
I let go, I remind myself that life just happens. Then I’m gripped with an intense sense of ‘i’. I must sort my life out. I am not making the right decisions. It all feels so important.
I give up, I try hard, I balance, I fall - always the ‘i’

I understand that I am not trying to change anything. I understand that seeing the ‘i’ is just that & no more.

Can you please recommend an exercise for direct looking?

[Jadzia]

What is missing? The feeling of being sure.

How would you recognize the feeling sure feeling?

I let go, I remind myself that life just happens. Then I’m gripped with an intense sense of ‘i’. I must sort my life out. I am not making the right decisions. It all feels so important.

How exactly is the intense sense of "I" built up? What exactly is it? Describe as good as you can.

For me it looks as if you have the main points but you are not able to connect the dots.
DE just helps for part of the way. What is needed now is unravelling of the story. Like really observing how the story creates its own importance. Like understanding why it is so catching and last not least realizing that it will stick less but be quite catchy for quite some time.
It might help, just an idea, not to judge yourself if falling for the story happens. No controler, no thinker, right ? Even falling into the trap just happens. ;-)

Find an answer for the questions and mull all this over and share what you find.

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

What is missing? The feeling of being sure.
How would you recognize the feeling sure feeling?

Absence of doubt?

I let go, I remind myself that life just happens. Then I’m gripped with an intense sense of ‘i’. I must sort my life out. I am not making the right decisions. It all feels so important.
How exactly is the intense sense of "I" built up? What exactly is it? Describe as good as you can.

I catch myself getting caught up in the drama. I accept this.

For me it looks as if you have the main points but you are not able to connect the dots.
DE just helps for part of the way. What is needed now is unravelling of the story. Like really observing how the story creates its own importance. Like understanding why it is so catching and last not least realizing that it will stick less but be quite catchy for quite some time.

Yes, agreed. I have already made progress with this. I return to acceptance time after time. I am seeing through some of my expectations.

It might help, just an idea, not to judge yourself if falling for the story happens. No controler, no thinker, right ? Even falling into the trap just happens. ;-)

Yes, thank you. The words you have said hit the mark!

Everything is just happening. It blows my mind. All these successes, all these failures, all just stories!!!

Find an answer for the questions and mull all this over and share what you find.

I keep returning to acceptance.
My progress/vision is clearing - drip by drip.

My doubt is in response to this -
LU state that once seen, never unseen, like when you realise Father Christmas is not true, you never go back. It feels like I go back a lot. But the drip, drip continues…

[Jadzia]

Absence of doubt?

Ok, so absence of doubt would clear this topic for you.

LU state that once seen, never unseen, like when you realise Father Christmas is not true, you never go back. It feels like I go back a lot. But the drip, drip continues…

Either shortly before finally stepping through the Gate and/or for quite a while after Gating, doubts are there and ok. It takes time.
And
What exactly are doubts? Have a look with the DE tool.

How exactly is the intense sense of "I" built up? What exactly is it? Describe as good as you can.
I catch myself getting caught up in the drama. I accept this.

Here you do make it difficult for yourself.
Nothing against acceptance, but even acceptance needs something to build on.
Observe thoughts closely.
When does doubt appear?
What kind of thoughts or happening appeared before thoughts of doubts?
Is there a pattern? A habit? How does this pattern run through. It is like looking at a cooking recipe. What ingredients are needed to bake doubt?

If doubt appears - don't actively switch to acceptance - but allow doubt fully and observe if something is connected with doubt and if yes, allow this fully and so on.
Always, always allow what happens, never fight it - actually fighting things, judging are doubt brewers.

This process will lead to a real inner acceptance of what happens.

Everything is just happening. It blows my mind. All these successes, all these failures, all just stories!!!

Even now I now and then find it simply mind blowing in its simplicity.

Love,
Jadzia

[Sidstrate]

What exactly are doubts? Have a look with the DE tool.

Doubts are when expectations are not met

Expectations about how I should feel & what I should think.
Expectations about what I should see & how that should be.

When these expectations are not fulfilled, there is a doubt - a thought.

How exactly is the intense sense of "I" built up? What exactly is it? Describe as good as you can.
I catch myself getting caught up in the drama. I accept this.
Here you do make it difficult for yourself.
Nothing against acceptance, but even acceptance needs something to build on.
Observe thoughts closely.
When does doubt appear?
What kind of thoughts or happening appeared before thoughts of doubts?
Is there a pattern? A habit? How does this pattern run through. It is like looking at a cooking recipe. What ingredients are needed to bake doubt?

There is resistance between how I feel & how I should feel. This resistance could be called doubt.

Having said this. My doubt is actually something to not resist. It’s a state of unknowing. I have started to allow this.

The doubt is a springboard for the 'i'
What do 'i' know' for sure
How can 'i' see things clearly

The doubt is a thought of 'i'.