Is there any event in Life over which you believe you have control? If yes, how exactly does that work?
Ok, being totally honest here, finding a job. I know that if I keep looking, I'm bound to get hired. I know this because it's happened many times before. There's no guarantee that I can keep it, but I know that I can drop off my resume off at a million places and I'm bound to get a hit. That's how social media works, they spam the internet to as many people that they can, knowing that the more they send out the more hits they'll get. There's no guarantee that their actions will lead to anything, but they can generate hits that way. The same way I can generate employment.
That being said, there are always other factors at work. Like the interview process, etc etc. So I don't have control, life has control over that. Life has control over whether I drop my resume off at enough places, or whether I drop my resume off at all. But I do know that putting dropping off my resume at enough places is guaranteed to give me employment. There are so many places, and basically an infinite number of chances, that the probability of it not happening is close to nil.
A new actual self? Or new thoughts about Life?
What I meant by "what's under the thoughts?" is without thoughts about something, what is actually there? For example, if you place your hands on the desk or table and close the eyes, what are the sensations of the hands on the surface? Without the thought "table" or "desk", there is only sensation: temperature, hardness, smoothness.
The interpretation is that I have a new self. I don't know about the rest. I know that I feel bliss in between thoughts and clusters of thinking. I had a thought today "I'm not really a good fighter, I'm ok, etc etc" and for the first time I realized that I don't have to I-dentify with the thought. It's just a thought, and I don't have to I-dentify with it. Then I had another thought "I want to puke" and again I realized the same thing. This is what's actually happening. In REAL life. That's the best I can say about that. If you want me to answer your question more specifically, you'll have to ask, because I have a really hard time with your questions and they're very difficult. Not that I mind answering them.
I don't have new thoughts about life. Life is as it is, but my SELF is the source of all salvation. Whether it was there before or not doesn't matter. Before I had thoughts about it, and I experienced those thoughts. Now that I experience the self, it brings me endless joy, because it's not thought, whatever it is. I still have moments of when it's like I'm detaching from old thought processes. Like it's there and then I detach after it. There's a time delay here too. I would say a few seconds at most.
I don't have any new thoughts about life.
I don't know what you mean by "actual" self. If you mean a self that acts, then no. It doesn't act. It's just there for me to enjoy. It's who I am.
I don't know what you're talking about "under the thoughts." There is sensation, but it's not under the thoughts. It exists wherever it exists, and it's not for me to say where that is. It is in space I think, but I really don't know.
I like it that you told me finally about WHY thoughts are always liars. They're liars because their content is content. Not because they have any ulterior motive. They're not standing there with pitchforks in the shadows waiting to carve out my organs. They're just naturally ephemeral. Plus, if thought didn't have the quality of disappearing immediately afterward It appeared then there wouldn't be any problem with mind-identification. The only reason the mind has to keep running and running is because thoughts ARE ephemeral. Therein lies the difficulty of being identified with things. You never told me that before. Shame on you! :) I'm only kidding of course.
I don't much care whether you experience bliss or anger as long as you guard against getting lost in thought. And isn't it awesome how, when you don't let thoughts run away with you, they pass? I find that very helpful.
You bloody minx you. Yes, it is awesome. It's the most awesome thing in the world, compared to everything else I've experienced.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, there is no separate entity me or self or anything like that, or I, or this, or that, or where or there or why or any of those and so on and so forth. No and there never was. it was all an illusion of the self. the self that was made up by the mind in the FORM of language. The FORM of language is what made it up, not language itself. Because language takes a certain form, it contains certain implications, We could come up with a completely new language that didn't incorporate seperate entities into it's (syntax or grammar?) I always get the two confused. Then again, maybe it's impossible to create a language like that. Maybe language implies separating life into pieces. I'm not sure, honestly.
Was there ever an "I?" No, there couldn't have been.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The "I" is a word. It begins as a word. The word I. That's its first form. As "I" the word. Then it grows. It grows into "I am this" or "I am that." Then I (or maybe before) turns into a name. The name replaces the I, but the I is still there under the name. In fact, the I is stronger than the name that superimposes it. Even if the name is seen through, the I is much more opaque, much more firm, like stone, it remains under the name. This makes it seem like it's not a word at all, like it's a real solid object. But it's not in reality. That's why it's so hard to find (or not find). It's sooooooo solid that you actually do have to look for it. We percieve it in the same way we percieve a rock or a suitcase, until we find with disappointment that it was never a real existential entity to begin with. This brings the destruction of language. I may end up stuttering if this continues.
(By destruction of language I mean the loss of faith that language is a reliable part of life.) If the I isn't real, what else might not be? Is my bag real? It's a real entity in the real world, yes. But the word bag isn't. It's just a word! Oh, what bliss this is! (Oh yeah, I forgot, you don't care :) Forget about it then.
OK, so where was I? Oh yeah. So the I is a solid object to the mind. BUT! and this is the biggest BUTT!!!! Bigger than Queen Latifah's:
IT'S NOT SOLID AT ALL! Not in the sense of hardness, but in the sense of it's relative permanence. I is just identification with thought. And since thought's blink into existence, it's impossible to hold on to one. So the harder you try to hold on, the more difficult it becomes. You're constantly losing yourself every second of every day, and (ok this part coming up is just a theory) this sense of impermanence becomes part of your sense of self. Because what you
are (thought) disappears immediately after it appears, you have this feeling of death coming and going. That's the best I can describe it. If you are thought, and thought is the way it is (as I elaborately described above) that would have to mean that your existence is just as transient and impermanent as thought. By the way, did I ever mention that you're no fun? :)
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Errrr...that's a weird question. I don't know. It doesn't
feel good. But
I feel good. I feel good knowing that I am before thought, and that whatever comes passes almost immediately. By almost immediately I mean it never lasts longer than a few hours, and usually no longer than a couple seconds. And btw that's also the difference before we started this dialogue. I had thoughts before, but I mistook them for reality. Now I know what it's like to not chase them. That's all. In truth, that's really the only real difference.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
When you said that maybe this forum isn't good for me, you bloody minx you. I knew then that the last thing I had tried wasn't working either, so I stopped chasing my thoughts. Didn't know what you meant by chasing my thoughts until then, as I already explained several times but you didn't understand me. I hope you understand me now, scratch that, it doesn't matter. I do like this dialogue very much, and I'm happy to have met you over the internet.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Decision is an illusion. It comes from evaluation. You think you're making a decision, but you're just weighing stuff with your brain. Intention is an afterthought. Free will doesn't exist. Choice exists, but I don't really understand it. Control is tricky, because you would have to define control.
Ultimately[i/] you don't have control because you can't control the details, but you and I are smart enough to deduce that one thing leads to another, and that crashing into another vehicle while you're drunk will likely land you in prison. So knowing this, there is no control. You can only hope you don't drive drunk. Don't know what to make of this. It seems to exist, but I know that it actually doesn't. So it actually doesn't. Oh! I see. It's all in the mind. 'Nuf said?
Nothing makes things happen. I'm not even sure if they happen, or they don't. I don't even know how to think about that question. Nothing makes things happen.
I ain't responsible for nuthin'.
Examples from experience, huh? Well, this morning I was going to go to Starbucks, and then I had that couple of moments where I went "these are just thoughts I don't have to identify with" and then I didn't want to go to starbucks, and I had a bit of trouble because I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to sit outside in the scorching heat, but I didn't want to go to starbucks either. After I got to starbucks I realized that I had simply judged the situation and that was all, and I'm very very happy to be in starbucks right now. I had an expectation of what it would be like to be in starbucks, and the mind lied to me mercilessly. it had no basis in reality to say what it did about what starbucks would be like. and i believed it completely. but I didn't get lost in my thoughts. and it turned out pretty awesome.
6) you should be more compassionate.
With much love,
Felix