This process is to lead us to seeing through the illusion of the separate self.
I think you see how a self puts itself together.
What is an I, if you were trying to explain it to someone who needed to know?
An I is a figment of almost every living human’s imaginataion. It’s the core of what we refer to when we say I, me, mine, myself… At a very young age, you start to know your name and then comes the sure process of identification with this image of yourself as an I. That’s me you tell yourself, this is MY stuff, MY face, body, family, life……….Look in the mirror, that’s me. The stories start and the I is at the very center of every one. I did this, I did that. I know this or that. Everything that comes into contact with the I sticks to it. Good and bad. The I likes it or hates it and every shade inbetween. The I is almost never satisfied. It gets what it thinks it wants, and then something else is wanted. The I is deeply afraid it won’t be someday and is continuously concocting schemes to protect itself and also how to get what it wants or at least what it thinks will ease the underlying suffering of separation it feels. It doesn’t know that it is feeling separation…..Just a deep knowing that something is missing. Not whole. Theres no end to it. Even though you can’t find an I anywhere in reality, this assumption is unquestioned by the world.
What I have learned is that the I is truly only a thought. It is an illusion. A superb illusion. This I can be searched for but not found in the real world. To find it is a very subtle process that can be seen by almost anyone with the right patience and pointers. Its like it was there all the time right out in the open but almost impossible to see. When the seeing happens, clarity starts.
What is it like now, is it any different? When you have a day or two of living this, could you sit down and write a summary of how that was? What's life like, knowing that the self is a construct?
The last two days at work have been an absolute joy. The heart is open. I have talked to more people and had genuine conversation with them, looked them all in the eyes, and felt connected, than in a long long time. Its like whatever fear I had is gone. Fear of rejection… fear of disapproval…. Who cares? Not “I”. There is truly no self to be afraid or hurt.
The fear being gone is what I’m noticing….. Another example: Bill had big fear of being broke… not having enough money….(even though I really do) always I thought (key word thought) I had to get the very best deal on everything I buy. Why? Fear. So I would turn this whole thing into “Bill is the best deal finder” to puff up my ego…. To really compensate for the fear I was feeling... I saw this pattern in all its glory yesterday. Wow! That’s a beautiful thing to see the stuff that runs you…then there’s a choice.
So something came up where I had to buy something (car mirror) and I started into my ‘look on ebay for the best…..deal and then check over there….’ Then I just stopped. What am I afraid of? There is no self to be afraid of anything. I guess nothing then. Bought the damn thing full price at the dealer and got it out of the way. That’s big for me. No matter how much spiritual stuff I had read studied in the past, lack has always been a big one for me. No real anger for a long time….. a few small disturbances, but quickly let go of. My heart being open is similar to the times I would do the backup team on the seminars I had mentioned. I would feel an opening up during and right after….then slowly but surely the heart would close up for protection from daily life……It is very open right now. And peaceful.
Elizabeth - thank you again!!!!! You're very good at this.
We leave Wed for the funeral in Seattle and will be back home Friday.