Having moments of liberation - wanting more!

[BlueRacoon]

hmmm... waiting 20 minutes now and no Ilona. Hope she's okay as I checked the details and it seems they are correct. I will now be turning to the recorded meditations!

[Anastacia42]

That is odd. Did you translate the time given? www.timeanddate.com can help.

Email her and ask. She does these once a month. You can make the next one.

Loving,

[BlueRacoon]

The meeting started an hour later - probably a mix-up of multiple time zones with the time change. It was really good for me - her introduction which I've heard before really spoke to me at a deeper level. It inspires me to look more closely to see the effort that it takes to be an "I" in the moments I'm doing that. And doing my best to remember that it's all just happening, and there can just be acceptance and awareness of it all.

Between the meditation I was doing and the meeting, I could see that all fear is about the self wanting things to be a way that they aren't (or liking how things are and not wanting it to change).

It tied right in to the meditation I did while I was waiting (Release & Receive). I loved the experience/guidance to let go, relax, and just receive what shows up in the place of the wanting. What a great concept/reminder. When he was talking about feeling in to the receiving space and that it might be outside of the body, I notice my breathing relaxed and expanded and moved more easily. I am guessing that I was unconsciously holding tension to somehow maintain/create the body's boundaries, and that instruction created the possibility of letting the of those boundaries that of course don't need to be held by the mind or muscles to be there.

It seems the clarity is developing within me. Like watching a cloud come out of thin air. Nice. :-)

[Anastacia42]

Oh good! So glad you made the meeting.

Yes, it requires a ton of effort to hold on to something (self) that isn't there. It is exhausting.

Would you like to do the Palm Flipping pointer about choice and intention? Or would that just be too much?

Loving,

[BlueRacoon]

Hi there,

I'd love to do the palm flipping. I did that awhile ago but it seems like it could be good to do again. I could really see that there was no me doing the flipping (no thought controlling it, just the body doing it's thing).

I got stuck in my thoughts since the meeting. I have the sense of clarity that the body/mind is just doing it's thing, and me (awareness) is watching. But when suffering shows up in the form of mental chatter, I am struggling to not fuse with those thoughts. There is a lot of attachment to them. There are still preferences, and quite honestly, I'm not sure how to not have them (I don't like suffering! Make it stop!).

I really spun out in the last 24 hours. Ilona said yesterday in the meeting of no-self realization that "nothing changes but you can get some distance from the patterns that happen." At the time, that made total sense (and still does) and at the time, seemed just fine. She said that "freedom is allowing the patterns to keep going and for things to be as they are."

Due to a negative interaction with my husband, I freaked out about being in the pain that comes after an event like that for years and years. While his behaviors are problematic (from a couples therapist POV), I'm aware the suffering is my own stuff - the triggered today-yesterday-pain (sadness/anger) and my own defenses (anxiety/rumination) patterns that show up.

I got spun up in that but it was a bigger storm than usual (I think due to the "nothing will change!!" thought). I was fused with thought a lot, and at times able to step out and just LOOK and see thoughts as just thoughts passing and that it is totally okay now despite anxiety/depressed sensations. Then I'd get pulled back in and lather, rinse, repeat. I used the various meditations - everything as God, letting go and accepting what is - but man, the tornado was powerful and would not stop.

I have familiarity with Kiloby Inquiry and did some repression work this morning and got some sadness up and out and the rumination has settled down. Between the conversation last night with my husband, the awareness last night of my mental processes, and the KI work this morning, I'm aware that I'm not speaking up as frequently and clearly as I should (Ala the "Falling" video). It's likely holding things in that leads to the storm.

That may be a lot of thought that you don't want to respond to - totally okay if that is the case - but if you have any thoughts on my experience, any input would be appreciated.

Thanks!

[Anastacia42]

Hi,

Yes, we can address all of that.

First, a couple if definitions.

Sadness is an argument with reality or "what is." Stop arguing & it dissipates.

Anger is the intent to do something contaminated by the illusion that we are presently helpless. We aren't usually. So do something.

Suffering is when we add stories - untrue stories - to pain.

To resolve anxiety do this in the moment


Here is an anxiety exercise that focuses a person in the present, and in a part of the brain that cannot do anxiety. Basically, go through each sense and say (or think) "I see/ hear/ feel/ taste/ touch ______________." A minute or two of each and usually anxiety is gone.

I see the couch.
I see the keyboard.
I see the glass. Etc.

I hear the train.
I hear the keys clacking.
I hear my breath. Etc.

I feel the couch under my butt.
I feel my fingers on the keys.
I feel the cold air. Etc.

I taste a metallic taste in my mouth.
I taste the coffee.
I taste the food. Etc.

I smell the humidity in the air.
I smell my husband's shampoo.
I smell the soap. Etc.

As far as I can tell, the only time this doesn't work is when someone won't do it.


There is a Direct Looking process for fear.

https://youtu.be/jKX1llYtlKE?si=jHXuuyyVtp7c-1R2

And this one:

https://youtu.be/fSTT8nc8cvQ?si=Alcukpbi7SUlXpfi

We've asked you to please stick with LU, but I'm a little familiar with Kiloby & some of that is okay.

See what you can do with all of if this. Let me know.

Only fear & expectations can keep you from SEEING what is right here right now. There is no self.

Loving,

[BlueRacoon]

Hi Stacy,

Thanks so much for your note and sorry for my slow reply. For some odd reason I don't seem to be getting the "admin" email notifications anymore (as of 3/20) when you post something new. I don't think I changed anything but I'm going to poke around to make sure. I just decided to come look as I suspected you would have posted by now.

Your inputs are helpful and go right along with some clarity I got this morning using Vince's chatbot. I had some mild anxiety this morning and along with other things, it helped me have the experience of seeing how my label (anxiety is unpleasant) was the Lynch-pin underneath all of the trouble. When I was just truly curious about the sensations, they were just that, sensations. I saw the sense/urge of having to make it different drop away, probably for the first time. I'm sure that one will take practice to remember I have an alternative but I'm excited about that.

I'm not anxious right now but I am going to make notes of the videos and the sensory exercise (one I used to use with clients years ago - I'd forgotten about it!) as I'm sure the challenge will show up again. I will let you know what I discover.

I have time to do another one of the recorded meditations today so I will post later and let you know what I'm discovering.

Thank you again for your support on this journey of mine. It is invaluable.

These difficulties with my husband are truly a gift in that they are giving me plenty of opportunities to SEE and practice.

[Anastacia42]

Hi Katty,

All of that sounds very good. Yes, let me know how each meditation goes.

If you can't figure out how to get the email notifications again, I can ask the admins to look into it. Did you check any spam folders? Until then, just check every day and we'll be able to keep up.

Thank you,

[BlueRacoon]

I checked around about the email (and again, didn't get one for your post today) and have no idea why I'm not getting them all of a sudden. I searched for them, which would turn them up wherever they are and didn't get anything. Very strange. I changed the email address just to see if that helps.

The meditation was very cool - it deepened my awareness on how feeling doesn't line up with what we see (e.g. that you can't feel boundaries well, or inside the body. The new awareness was on vision, and looking at the fingers and space between the fingers, and what if you didn't have labels that separate them? It gave me a glimpse of the "colors and shapes" that people talk about seeing, where I still tend to see objects. I want to keep working with that one.

If you can have an admin look in to the email problem, that'd be great. Hopefully we'll figure it out (or it will figure itself out!) ;-)

Thank you!

[Anastacia42]

I'll write to the admins.

Keep posting about the practices.

Can you find a separate "self" anywhere?


Loving,

[BlueRacoon]

Good morning Stacy,

Thanks for checking in on the emails. I'm still not getting them.

I woke up last night with my mind chattering. I took the opportunity to just come back to my body and sense in to it. I'm more aware of how fuzzy felt boundaries are. If I'm not moving, I can't tell where boundaries are at all. If I'm moving, I can kind of tell, but it's very vague. I am aware now more clearly that it's vision that has made boundaries seem crisp, not sensation. I had the thought that maybe we're actually ghosts (which fits with Quantum Physics) rather than solid people. It sure feels that way. Like we're not really there much at all.

I'm gong to keep working today with the desolving practice vision exercise and trying to separate thoughts about objects from what I'm seeing. I'll keep you posted!

Thanks!

[Anastacia42]

Very good. Do that.

Here is another that is very much along the lines of what you wrote:


So, here is a pointer that may force you to look, not think:

ButtChair

Please LOOK for any place where your butt ends & the chair begins.

Is there any clear dividing line between them? Or only the Sensation with no clear division?


It is simple direct & nonverbal. Just LOOK.

Then write what is true.

I did only this and nothing else for 3 months and then saw. It crept up on me while I was sitting at a stoplight. Seeing often happens when we are simply relaxed and looking. I should say, it ONLY happens when we are relaxed and LOOKING. All of this thinking is useless. Truly.

Loving,

[BlueRacoon]

I did the "Where is I" practice in addition to more sensing in the body. It was interesting to look for memories/I in a location, but it is starting to feel like an exercise like "Where is Santa" and I'm just not interested in looking for "I" (which I suppose is a good thing). I am more and more aware that any sense of I is just a thought of "I" fused with an experience (vision, thought, sensation...).

Looking, there definitely is no place where my butt ends and the chair begins. No place where my body ends and the bed begins (last night). It's weird but very true. The line is the lie. I will keep looking!

I am so much more aware of the randomness of thoughts, and the way that thoughts are the root of suffering by creating a "problem" often out of thin air. It's pretty fascinating how my mind wants to cling to "the problem" in my life (whatever the problem du jour is) and chew on it. When I drop the thought (or just choose not to believe it is maybe more correct), the problem goes. If there is heaviness or anxiety left behind, I can just sit with that and have it lift. Why did I listen to this voice for so long?? Especially now, I can see it's just full of shit and trying to drag me down in to a hole that is truly unnecessary... And I've gone in to that hole most of my life - certainly since I was a kid, less so as an adult but still too much for my liking!

That's todays update!

[BlueRacoon]

I don't send boundaries anywhere.There is either nothing or just fuzzy sensations that in a way, seem to go on into space...

[Anastacia42]

True! Keep LOOKING like that. Truth will dawn when you least expect it.

Loving,