The Gate

Ta. :)

Hi John,

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
Self is an illusion built by thoughts, sensations, a name, a body and emotions.

What are you looking for at LU?
I'd like to be guided after the gate, please. I realized, that self is an illusion, that thoughts and emotions come and go, that they are not me... Family members are worried and think I have a depression.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I' d like to talk to somebody more experienced. Maybe I am not ok and I should do something? Besides of my families worries, I am content, most of the time. Sometimes there is fear (am i wasting my life? Am i hiding and using noself as excuse?) Sometimes there are intense emotions like anger or sadness. Rarely happyness. No motivation to do anything bc everything ist empty and non permanent. :-)

Reflecting back on this part of the journey since that post, what are the most noticeable differences for you?

The realization that self is a fiction was known intellectually but the experience of that had been lost like the happy feeling after the first guiding.
I had formed new stories about living after the gate, and I expected negative stories of ‘me’ to fall away. But somehow i was stuck.
I mostly felt ‘blah’ :)
I was focussing on other ppl bc that is what i learned (belief: focussing on self is egoistic).
I was overwhelmed by the perceived horrors of todays society and i had no idea how i could cope and where to find my place.
Fear kept me stuck. I hated my self and my life. I had no intention to do anything anymore anyway bc i believed i had tried so much and almost everything failed, that i was convinced s.th. was wrong with me but i didnt know what (pretty much the same feeling like before first guiding).

Now it is experienced again, that self is fiction.
I learned to face thoughts and emotions in a positive way (to explore) instead of ignoring them (by reading, cinema, sleeping, eating).
Now a lot of different stuff is coming up. Sometimes it is intense but there is less fear of suffering. Instead i am curious and look what triggered the emotions and thoughts and what stories are behind them.

I think and plan less.
For example my sister wrote me an email and normally i would have responded with suggestions to be helpful (although she didnt ask for help). This would have meant excessive thinking and googeling and probably me later being angry at her when she decides differently and her being angry at me behaving like an older sister.
I’ll just wait and seen how she ll decide, and i focus on me and now instead.
Before guiding this would have felt like i would not care for her.
By focussing on me instead of judging other ppl. there is more calmness and less agitated thinking.


Saturday i felt overwhelmed and being a failure. This really stuck long (until this morning), like there was fiction ‘Anne’ owning the body and thought and the emotion. It was the worst and most real appearing situation in the last days. It had an intense ‘me’-feeling.
I thought about the asteroids-coming- nearer-metapher. Maybe i am getting deeper to the core to heavier me-stuff.
Maybe not :)
I realized failure is a story from memory projected into the future.
I asked what the fear is. Answer was:‘That this situation will stay always like this. That i can not change. That i dont deserve it. That i should give up. That i dont have control, will be stuck with this. That i will be sad most of my life and only feel happiness in glimpses.’

This fear / hopelessness showed up in the last weeks several times and i think it will come back until it might dissolve.
I looked at it and saw that it was a story, but i haven't uncovered the roots yet.
I feel like i have learned to face hopelessness and other emotions in a useful way now: by looking at it and exploring it.

This morning: when walking i invited hopelessness to walk with me like a friend and talk to me. Bc there was still the intense feeling of being crushed by a huge millstone and just stay put and not move anymore. Then i realized that the hopelessness came with the feeling of hope (which had arisen bc of circumstances probably). I knew that with belief in ‘hope&glory’ the hopelessness and fear of failure comes too. But i had to see this manifested by body and emotion and thought. Then the feeling dissolved. Afterwards i was able again to focus on now.


I accept now (although the disclaimer says it anyway), that there will still be negative thoughts and negative emotions.

It feels like there is releasing and softening and opening and being curious and changing and having helpful intentions.

Love Anne

Hi Anne,

The realization that self is a fiction was known intellectually but the experience of that had been lost like the happy feeling after the first guiding.
I had formed new stories about living after the gate, and I expected negative stories of ‘me’ to fall away. But somehow i was stuck.
I mostly felt ‘blah’ :)
I was focussing on other ppl bc that is what i learned (belief: focussing on self is egoistic).
I was overwhelmed by the perceived horrors of todays society and i had no idea how i could cope and where to find my place.
Fear kept me stuck. I hated my self and my life. I had no intention to do anything anymore anyway bc i believed i had tried so much and almost everything failed, that i was convinced s.th. was wrong with me but i didnt know what (pretty much the same feeling like before first guiding).

Now it is experienced again, that self is fiction.
I learned to face thoughts and emotions in a positive way (to explore) instead of ignoring them (by reading, cinema, sleeping, eating).
Now a lot of different stuff is coming up. Sometimes it is intense but there is less fear of suffering. Instead i am curious and look what triggered the emotions and thoughts and what stories are behind them.

LU focusses on the illusion of self as real, so good that you are working through the rest of the illusions. Which is quite good fun, now you have the hang of it.

I think and plan less.
For example my sister wrote me an email and normally i would have responded with suggestions to be helpful (although she didnt ask for help). This would have meant excessive thinking and googeling and probably me later being angry at her when she decides differently and her being angry at me behaving like an older sister.
I’ll just wait and seen how she ll decide, and i focus on me and now instead.
Before guiding this would have felt like i would not care for her.
By focussing on me instead of judging other ppl. there is more calmness and less agitated thinking.

Cool.

Saturday i felt overwhelmed and being a failure. This really stuck long (until this morning), like there was fiction ‘Anne’ owning the body and thought and the emotion. It was the worst and most real appearing situation in the last days. It had an intense ‘me’-feeling.
I thought about the asteroids-coming- nearer-metapher. Maybe i am getting deeper to the core to heavier me-stuff.
Maybe not :)
I realized failure is a story from memory projected into the future.
I asked what the fear is. Answer was:‘That this situation will stay always like this. That i can not change. That i dont deserve it. That i should give up. That i dont have control, will be stuck with this. That i will be sad most of my life and only feel happiness in glimpses.’

The way we torment ourselves is impressive, you have to say. :)

This fear / hopelessness showed up in the last weeks several times and i think it will come back until it might dissolve.
I looked at it and saw that it was a story, but i haven't uncovered the roots yet.
I feel like i have learned to face hopelessness and other emotions in a useful way now: by looking at it and exploring it.

Challenge is part of life, perhaps the richest vein of life, and some challenges are steep, and we take them on anyway, because we want to play a part - that is our challenge, and we can all play a part.

This morning: when walking i invited hopelessness to walk with me like a friend and talk to me.

Excellent idea.

Bc there was still the intense feeling of being crushed by a huge millstone and just stay put and not move anymore. Then i realized that the hopelessness came with the feeling of hope (which had arisen bc of circumstances probably). I knew that with belief in ‘hope&glory’ the hopelessness and fear of failure comes too. But i had to see this manifested by body and emotion and thought. Then the feeling dissolved. Afterwards i was able again to focus on now.

Great. We learn a little each day, that's all.

I accept now (although the disclaimer says it anyway), that there will still be negative thoughts and negative emotions.

Got to be friction to learn.

It feels like there is releasing and softening and opening and being curious and changing and having helpful intentions.

And being you. Deep breath, big sigh, smile. :)

When we take our foot off the peddle of judging ourselves, we might just be willing to give ourselves a break and start to accept ourselves loving every single wart! :)

With much love,
John

Hi John,

The way we torment ourselves is impressive, you have to say. :)

Yes, all those thoughts getting more and more intense everytime they are believed as true.

‘Truth’ might be something you make, like destiny. What do you think.

Got to be friction to learn.

No friction = done with learning?

When we take our foot off the peddle of judging ourselves, we might just be willing to give ourselves a break and start to accept ourselves loving every single wart! :)

No belief in thought = no judging.
No judging = no perceived warts.
Not sure about ‘loving every wart’.
They are just there like the sky and birdpoop and flowers.



You know what? The mole dug a hole under my tent. Got really scared in the evening when something was moving near my feet. I thought a mouse was inside the tent. Didnt talk to me though (the mole).

Great. We learn a little each day, that's all.

I did some intuitive archery a while ago. It’s a beautiful and relaxing sport. It is done with a pretty basic bow and you have not much optical help for aiming. You just shot and then hold your pose and check where the arrow hit the target. And the body somehow learns intuitively to aim better and better. All without thinking ‘i need to aim further to the left or more down.’
I guess it’s like playing football - you dont have eyes in the foot but somehow the body manages to hit the goal.


It can be exhausting to be around ppl. nowadays. Their eyes looking at me make sometimes negative thought arise believed to be about me. Their faces are like triggers for these thoughts. But when i hold their gaze, they smile at me.


Hug Anne

Hi Anne,

Yes, all those thoughts getting more and more intense everytime they are believed as true.

‘Truth’ might be something you make, like destiny. What do you think.

Good question, but I think we're probably getting outside the scope of our LU journey.

Got to be friction to learn.

No friction = done with learning?

We learn when there's something rubbing up against our view, and we explore the difference.
Usually, we try and make it the same as our view. :)
Control it.
And in so doing avoid learning anything.

When we take our foot off the peddle of judging ourselves, we might just be willing to give ourselves a break and start to accept ourselves loving every single wart! :)

No belief in thought = no judging.
No judging = no perceived warts.
Not sure about ‘loving every wart’.
They are just there like the sky and birdpoop and flowers.

We just be honest with ourselves rather than finding supposed panaceas like "it's all just thought".
Nothing wrong with warts, aspects of ourselves we don't like and push aside.
By 'loving' I mean including.

You know what? The mole dug a hole under my tent. Got really scared in the evening when something was moving near my feet. I thought a mouse was inside the tent. Didnt talk to me though (the mole).

LOL. :) He was probably talking moleese, very high frequency.

I did some intuitive archery a while ago. It’s a beautiful and relaxing sport. It is done with a pretty basic bow and you have not much optical help for aiming. You just shot and then hold your pose and check where the arrow hit the target. And the body somehow learns intuitively to aim better and better. All without thinking ‘i need to aim further to the left or more down.’
I guess it’s like playing football - you dont have eyes in the foot but somehow the body manages to hit the goal.


It can be exhausting to be around ppl. nowadays. Their eyes looking at me make sometimes negative thought arise believed to be about me. Their faces are like triggers for these thoughts. But when i hold their gaze, they smile at me.

You might notice what you project onto those faces.
For example, a certain expression you take/project to be distaste, or anger, or bored, or...
And react to your own projection.

Soon, you'll see faces free of projections.

If you wish, observe your projections.
Don't need to do anything other than that.

Much love,
John

Hi John,

We just be honest with ourselves rather than finding supposed panaceas like "it's all just thought".
Nothing wrong with warts, aspects of ourselves we don't like and push aside.
By 'loving' I mean including.

Yes, especially to things we dont like (or love) about ourselves, are connected to a lot of emotions.

LOL. :) He was probably talking moleese, very high frequency.

Hmh, should try to shake my head very fast then. Maybe i can catch some sound waves :D

You might notice what you project onto those faces.
For example, a certain expression you take/project to be distaste, or anger, or bored, or...
And react to your own projection.

Reflections of reflections.
The lady neighbour is feeling better and everything is back to ‘normal’.
I noticed picking a fight with her (not intentionally, just explaining to her that these chemical fragrance stuff she is spraying in the tiny toilet is not healthy).
Afterwards i asked me: why did i not keep my mouth shut?
Learning :)
Anyway the area around the washinghouse is loaded with triggers. And thought and emotions about being ‘right’ and her being annoying are still growing.
I know that the habit gets stronger and stronger.
Accepting is in this case quite challenging.
Maybe because judgemental thought says ‘i am right’
I wonder why this is so sticky.
It is a combination of ‘i am right’ and ‘it would be for her good, too’.
And wanting change bc i am affected by what she is doing.
All good reasons, no? :)))) (and 'reason' has a very important feel to it)

Interesting to see how thoughts are keeping the story in its place.

There are still ambitious/doing-thoughts. By not working out they always push me back to pain.
The connection to acceptance is not established jet / very stable.
Wonder how often i have to bump my toes until learning occurres.

Soon, you'll see faces free of projections.
If you wish, observe your projections.
Don't need to do anything other than that.

Ok.


Love Anne

Anyway the area around the washinghouse is loaded with triggers. And thought and emotions about being ‘right’ and her being annoying are still growing.
I know that the habit gets stronger and stronger.
Accepting is in this case quite challenging.
Maybe because judgemental thought says ‘i am right’
I wonder why this is so sticky.
It is a combination of ‘i am right’ and ‘it would be for her good, too’.
And wanting change bc i am affected by what she is doing.
All good reasons, no? :)))) (and 'reason' has a very important feel to it)

Depends how you approach accepting.

Accepting is an honest acceptance of behaviour.

Sometimes we resist accepting our own behaviour because of a hidden implicit judgement.
If I accept that I do this thing, which is a shit thing, then I'm a bit shit. :)

The approach to acceptance is based on a willingness to learn, to move on, to bring some light to our patterns of behaviour.

Unless we can see it, there is nothing to be done.
Accepting our behaviour is basically seeing it, owning it.
Not to judge, but to ask, "Ok, yes, I do this. Now, I wonder what this is about for me?"

It's got nothing to do with the particular behaviour as such, that's only a breadcrumb to revealing a way of looking at life, such that you act this way in this context.

For example, the being right around the washinghouse.
Why is this so important to be right?
What does being right bring you?
A sense of superiority?
If so, why is that important?
Because you hate feeling less than?
Do you feel less than at times?
What's that about for you?
Is it based on anything?
What if it's an old belief you took on, and held on to?
What if there's was no reason to feel less than anymore?
What then?
Would you still feel the need to be right in the washinghouse?

^ just an example of exploring the pattern.

Much love,
John

Depends how you approach accepting.

Accepting is an honest acceptance of behaviour.

Sometimes we resist accepting our own behaviour because of a hidden implicit judgement.
If I accept that I do this thing, which is a shit thing, then I'm a bit shit. :)

The approach to acceptance is based on a willingness to learn, to move on, to bring some light to our patterns of behaviour.

Unless we can see it, there is nothing to be done.
Accepting our behaviour is basically seeing it, owning it.
Not to judge, but to ask, "Ok, yes, I do this. Now, I wonder what this is about for me?"

Ok.

If there is the intention to fix s.th., there was judging before.

No fixing needed.
Accept.

I re-read our thread and found this :)

When we don't accept, we resist.
We resist, we avoid.
It persists. No learning. Status quo.

Hmh. Like that.


I’ll think about your questions.

Hug, Anne

No fixing needed.
Accept.

Yeah, this has nothing to do with the fixing game.
This is the fact game - I do this behaviour - fact. :)

What this is, is an open-ness and willingness to see you as you are.

To be honest, because we generally don't want to see ourselves as we are, we tend to fight it. :)

So, by keep coming back to it, at some point, we see that we keep fighting it, and laugh. :D

At which point the drawbridge falls. lol And we stop giving ourselves a hard time for not being perfect.

Much love,
John

Hi John,


I like that: ‘the fact game’. :)


I noticed that i judge ‘me’, how i behave in this.
Although i know that thoughts cant do anything, dont control anything, there seems to be the expectation, when i judge my behaving as childish and stupid, it would stop. :))


Now to your questions

For example, the being right around the washinghouse.
Why is this so important to be right?
What does being right bring you?
A sense of superiority?
If so, why is that important?
Because you hate feeling less than?
Do you feel less than at times?
What's that about for you?
Is it based on anything?
What if it's an old belief you took on, and held on to?
What if there's was no reason to feel less than anymore?
What then?
Would you still feel the need to be right in the washinghouse?

Hmh, that’s quite a ball of emotion.
There is the wish of equality and me being able to do what i want bc she is not the owner, we are all renting here.
I do not want to be ordered around (“Why dont you…?”)
I respect that she is cleaning and i take care not to be messy.
I get the feeling that i am in the way and that cleanliness is highest priority before comfort (“Everything has to be clean for the guests.” - I am not a guest or what?)
On my first day here i felt being treated like an imbecile bc i live in a tent (“This is not acceptable. Dont you have a car? Somebody who could pull a camper here?”)
I asked her why she is so curious and that she does not have to bother about me (‘But you are a poor lonely woman!’). I felt degraded by her remark.
I got the impression she is very chatty and feared she would be talking judgemental about me to others.
When dressing or washing she was ratteling at the door (‘Is somebody in there?’). So i felt vigilant all the time bc the door does not close properly. Its only a kind of latch thing.
When i close the door, she opens it, to let the washhouse dry. When i leave it open to dry, she closes it bc wasps would come in.

So from the first day it felt like she did not approve of how i live and that i am not capable to take proper care of myself.
First i tried to be accomodating bc i was new and when she didnt stop i got annoyed.
I got the impression she just wants me to do as she pleases (which is the opposite of what i do).
On top of that she has a super shrill voice i can hear at my place. It makes me cringe. And when going to the toilet, i expect her any minute to show up.
The real boss of the camping ground asked me, how i get along with the lady bc she is known to be bossy. He offered from his side to talk to her if necessary. I just answered we had some discussions and that she seems to have everything organized around here.


All of that reminds me of my mother!
Actually i do not care much about what the neighbours do, if they let me live as i please and are not too noisy.
It was hard to do my ‘thing’ bc my mother always explained to me the right thing (which was her way).
We were always told to behave snd not give a bad impression to the neighbours.
So exploring new things were fearful bc i feared losing her support.
It was s.th. stupid like “Put your coat on when you go outside. If you catch a cold i will not take care of you.”
Or i had a penpal in Finland and wanted to travel there when i was a student (!). And my mum and other familymembers talked my out of it bc it would be too dangerous (yeah, Finland, most dangerous country in the world).
When i later had booked a trip to india into an ayurveda hotel and i called my mum excited to tell her, she said: “If something happens there, i will not be able to come and get you back.”
??!? Well that was an interesting comment.
I realize that my mum had a lot of fears and she tried to protect me but i was not able to drop all the things i unconsciously learned from her.
So i can behave very smallminded myself sometimes.
I did not talk to my mum for several years and feel bad about that bc i should be able to handle her. And she is probably sad. And that makes me sad.


About my neighbour i just think, she makes her life miserable (like i do :) ).
I just want her to leave me alone.
On the other hand there is so much anger built up, that i might secretly look for a way to let it out.
Maybe she will shut up if i win :)


What have i found out?
Expectation to change her is not helpful.
‘I am allergic to her’ bc she reminds me of my mum.
Judging myself to be childish by reacting so strong is not helpful either.
Maybe i feel inferior bc she reminds me of being a helpless child.
Maybe i am trying to win against her bc i lost against my mum.


What can i learn?
I can accept that her reminding me of my mum triggers a lot of automatic emotions and thoughts.
I can accept that this story by being so intense will not drop fast.
She has nothing to do with my anger towards my mom.
I am not dependent on her.
I am grown up now.
It is not important what others think of me.
I am not responsible of her happiness or convenience.
I do not have to help her. She chose what she is doing.


I dont know. When i sit on a bench for example and somebody sits down and starts to smoke i usually go away. I am often torn between standing my ground and saying something (and ppl getting annoyed) or giving up my space.
I can accept that i judge me as indecisive and powerless.

Wow, i did not expect that so much would come up!
It is interesting to see that problems are often times old stories re-enacted with new actors. And the sore spots get more sensitive every time.

This morning: the anger feels less intense

Hug from Anne

I dont know. When i sit on a bench for example and somebody sits down and starts to smoke i usually go away. I am often torn between standing my ground and saying something (and ppl getting annoyed) or giving up my space.
I can accept that i judge me as indecisive and powerless.

Wow, i did not expect that so much would come up!
It is interesting to see that problems are often times old stories re-enacted with new actors. And the sore spots get more sensitive every time.

This morning: the anger feels less intense

Thank you for exploring that, good stuff.

You are seeing that this whole situation and those in it are, with great precision, showing you to yourself.

Were you to move from this campsite, you would find another place with an annoying person who reminds you of your mother. :) Until you face, as you are doing, what all this is bringing you.

The feeling degraded by a remark, the not wanting to be ordered around, the not wanting to be reminded of the helpless child. In the fact game :) we look at all this and bring it back to ourselves, and go, holy shit - this is what I think of myself. Not anyone else doing this to me. I do this to me.

And it's hard to not have anyone else to blame.

But in owning this behaviour, we are not blaming ourselves. We are moving beyond that, and throwing ourselves open to the fact of our behaviour. To open to and own our own behaviour, especially the tough stuff, while having no interest in blame, self or other, marks a turning point in our relationship with ourselves.
- it takes courage too, and you have plenty of that.

The spooky thing is when we do this, life spins around us in line with that. Don't ask me how that happens. :)

With much love,
John

Hi John,

Yesterday:

Were you to move from this campsite, you would find another place with an annoying person who reminds you of your mother. :)

Hmh, i am lucky that i found a really extreme one here. Very rare. Lots of learning possible. :)

The feeling degraded by a remark, the not wanting to be ordered around, the not wanting to be reminded of the helpless child. In the fact game :) we look at all this and bring it back to ourselves, and go, holy shit - this is what I think of myself. Not anyone else doing this to me. I do this to me.

You are seeing that this whole situation and those in it are, with great precision, showing you to yourself.

Walking in a hall of mirrors.

- it takes courage too, and you have plenty of that.

Haha. No, i am just desperate.



I have to come back to the archery analogy. In the other post i focused on the intuitive learning. Today i realized that the accepting is essential.
After shooting we hold the pose a while after we shot and just look where the arrow hit the target. No thinking ‘Damn, i missed it.’ or ‘Yeay, i am a pro!’, no analyzing, just looking.

The spooky thing is when we do this, life spins around us in line with that. Don't ask me how that happens. :)

Hmh.


Yesterday evening:
When i came back, the boss had been mowing. He had mowed the flowers and the lavender i planted off. The flowers havent even bloomed yet.
He is a really kind and sweet guy. I guess he was wearing his sunglasses and didnt see properly. I dont believe he did it on purpose.
This is pathetic. I am crying and back on the old ‘nothing works out for me’-carousel. I can’t even grow some bloody flowers. :))
Well, i dont know what to say.
I see that there’s a lot of emotion from old stories.
I’ll just breathe.
I am quite overwhelmed by all the learning opportunities. :)
I feel like i am doing s.th. wrong.
Not in line with life at all.

Well, what comes up? (What can be learned)
I am shocked (expect the unexpected! Surprise!)
This is bad. (Judgement)
I dont deserve this. (Its not personal)
I am doing s.th. wrong. (There is no control)
I dont want this. (Acceptance)
I’ll stop to invest in future. (? Learn to let go of expectations)
Life sucks (judgement)
I’ll never be happy (generalization, story of Anne)
My equanimity is tested (? Its not personal but a chance to learn acceptance)
Why me? (Why not?)
I am a fucked up mess, that will never become improved. (Doom :) )
Its too late for me and i will only get worse. (Aha.)
Life is exhausting (Sometimes, if judged like that)
Effort is not worthwhile - at least not for me. (Aha)
I dont know what to do. (I am learning)
Nothing is working out. (Generalization)
Maybe i should not have planted them for me but done s.th. for other ppl instead. I am selfish (maybe. Judgement)
I life does not improve i will crack (no, self will crack)
I believe in everything getting worse (story of Anne)
I wonder what the flowers would have looked like.
No more battles over the watering can (ha!)
I am fooling myself with this awakening stuff. I still have expectations of feeling better. (Aha.)
If i suffer long enough i will be rewarded (with a medal of supersufferer?)
Go away world. I dont want to play with you anymore. Your game sucks, and i do not even understand the rules. (Lost. No control. Possibility to learn)
I am a whiny spoiled brat. Suck it up. (Judgement)
John, I think i am overstretching your hospitality and kindness and generosity here. I feel like letting you down by not improving. (Judgement)
And now i am dumping all this shit here. :)(Judgement)


Hug, Anne

Yesterday evening:
When i came back, the boss had been mowing. He had mowed the flowers and the lavender i planted off. The flowers havent even bloomed yet.

This is probably the funniest thing I've heard for a long time. :D

We planted carrots last week and the mice came and ate them. :)

Well, what comes up? (What can be learned)
I am shocked (expect the unexpected! Surprise!)
This is bad. (Judgement)
I dont deserve this. (Its not personal)
I am doing s.th. wrong. (There is no control)
I dont want this. (Acceptance)
I’ll stop to invest in future. (? Learn to let go of expectations)
Life sucks (judgement)
I’ll never be happy (generalization, story of Anne)
My equanimity is tested (? Its not personal but a chance to learn acceptance)
Why me? (Why not?)
I am a fucked up mess, that will never become improved. (Doom :) )
Its too late for me and i will only get worse. (Aha.)
Life is exhausting (Sometimes, if judged like that)
Effort is not worthwhile - at least not for me. (Aha)
I dont know what to do. (I am learning)
Nothing is working out. (Generalization)
Maybe i should not have planted them for me but done s.th. for other ppl instead. I am selfish (maybe. Judgement)
I life does not improve i will crack (no, self will crack)
I believe in everything getting worse (story of Anne)
I wonder what the flowers would have looked like.
No more battles over the watering can (ha!)
I am fooling myself with this awakening stuff. I still have expectations of feeling better. (Aha.)
If i suffer long enough i will be rewarded (with a medal of supersufferer?)
Go away world. I dont want to play with you anymore. Your game sucks, and i do not even understand the rules. (Lost. No control. Possibility to learn)
I am a whiny spoiled brat. Suck it up. (Judgement)
John, I think i am overstretching your hospitality and kindness and generosity here. I feel like letting you down by not improving. (Judgement)
And now i am dumping all this shit here. :)(Judgement)

This is marvellous. The volume of shit is quite something, and we all happily carry it around. :D Well, it's my shit, so it must be true. LOL.

"I am fooling myself with this awakening stuff. I still have expectations of feeling better. (Aha.)"

Yeah, there's an aha. Getting real about this. Nothing wrong in wanting to feel better, that what leads most folk to look into the self, because they feel it's a burden they can do without.

You're seeing that this supposed 'Anne' is but a whirl of old stories and manufactured nonsense with the felt authority that comes from repetition.

You're not 'Anne'.

All I ask is that you see the game you're playing.

With much love,
John

Hi John,

This is probably the funniest thing I've heard for a long time. :D
We planted carrots last week and the mice came and ate them. :)

Glad i made your day :)
He has one of this mowers where you sit on.
The mice were probably in heaven - delicious young tender carrots delivered directly to their frontyard.

This is marvellous. The volume of shit is quite something, and we all happily carry it around. :D Well, it's my shit, so it must be true. LOL.

You're seeing that this supposed 'Anne' is but a whirl of old stories and manufactured nonsense with the felt authority that comes from repetition.

You're not 'Anne'.

All I ask is that you see the game you're playing.

Hmh. When the emotions are very intense it is hard to stop identification.
First i think awakening is a fad. Then i remind me of that Anne is a construct and the thoughts and emotions are spinning around like in a huge pinnballmachine made of mirrors. I remind me that this is all conditioned. That stuff happens anyway without story of Anne.

After posting the emotions still grew.
Something was missing in my last post and that was the connection where it came from and whom it reminded me of.

I am not sure i am doing this right. As soon as i thought of the person i felt relieved and happy. But it feels like dumping the responsibility somewhere else. Like you would say:
“And it's hard to not have anyone else to blame.”



I went for a walk after posting and my feelings turned to anger and wanting to hurt somebody, anybody or myself just beating on my arms and legs. I asked myself why bodily pain was associated with this feeling. And then i remembered that my dad hurt me a lot when i was a child. He didnt beat me but he wrestled with me or pinched me or boxed me on my legs or hugged me so hard that it hurt.
I mean i adored him. He was my hero. He is very smart. but i remeber me. lots of times crying.

Anyway. Is that how it is working? Finding the source/s of all the conditioning? It seems like i am going further and further back into childhood.

So what is different now compared to childhood?
I am independent.
I am facing my emotions.
I can choose ppl i want relationships with.
I can leave ppl and situations.
I do not have to explain anything.
It is not important what others think of me.
Hurt is not love.
It hurts even if the other person does not intend to hurt.

You're seeing that this supposed 'Anne' is but a whirl of old stories and manufactured nonsense with the felt authority that comes from repetition.

You're not 'Anne'.

All I ask is that you see the game you're playing.

Yes.
There’s the fiction of Anne. Feelings and tought and control and doing things seem to belong to her.
But in reality there are thoughts and emotions arising and there is a body experienced and movement happens but it is not known what controls it.

At the moment i have to remind me and to look at all of this, to feel some relaxation.
I while ago that view was more stable.

Big hug
Anne

Hi Anne,

Hmh. When the emotions are very intense it is hard to stop identification.

It is hard, but then this is the challenge of learning to be conscious no matter what the situation. This is just one direction of travel, and outside the scope of LU. Here it is simply about seeing that the experience of self is not what it seems to be, nor ever had been.

I wanted to give you some tools and approaches to use along the way.

First i think awakening is a fad. Then i remind me of that Anne is a construct and the thoughts and emotions are spinning around like in a huge pinnballmachine made of mirrors. I remind me that this is all conditioned. That stuff happens anyway without story of Anne.

To the extent we are not conscious, then yes, we are a pinball.
Though most folk seem uninterested in that and see being the pinball as job done.
Each to their own.

After posting the emotions still grew.
Something was missing in my last post and that was the connection where it came from and whom it reminded me of.

I am not sure i am doing this right. As soon as i thought of the person i felt relieved and happy. But it feels like dumping the responsibility somewhere else. Like you would say:
“And it's hard to not have anyone else to blame.”

I went for a walk after posting and my feelings turned to anger and wanting to hurt somebody, anybody or myself just beating on my arms and legs. I asked myself why bodily pain was associated with this feeling. And then i remembered that my dad hurt me a lot when i was a child. He didnt beat me but he wrestled with me or pinched me or boxed me on my legs or hugged me so hard that it hurt.
I mean i adored him. He was my hero. He is very smart. but i remeber me. lots of times crying.

Anyway. Is that how it is working? Finding the source/s of all the conditioning? It seems like i am going further and further back into childhood.

One way of looking at this is: what is called self, 'Anne', 'John', is basically a stacked set of reactive patterns, yes, mostly from childhood, which play out repetitively through our adult life. We could just leave 'em, do nothing about them, maybe even see them as 'who I am', in which case, all we can do is watch body and mind react to each situation when the jukebox pattern is pressed. Effectively, an organic slave to conditioning. Urgh.

By recognising each pattern, seeing it, owning it, learning about it: where it came from, how we see it as true, challenging its relevance, the pattern turns from a jukebox behaviour, to a nice piece of knowing - 'ah, I'd been seeing myself as this, and now I don't need to anymore. hurrah.' :)

Each pattern we transform, the freer we are. So, someone presses a particular button, in the hope of firing a reaction, and it has no effect, water off a duck's back, the track is not in the jukebox anymore.

So what is different now compared to childhood?
I am independent.
I am facing my emotions.
I can choose ppl i want relationships with.
I can leave ppl and situations.
I do not have to explain anything.
It is not important what others think of me.
Hurt is not love.
It hurts even if the other person does not intend to hurt.

Lots of good possibilities here.

Yes.
There’s the fiction of Anne. Feelings and thought and control and doing things seem to belong to her.
But in reality there are thoughts and emotions arising and there is a body experienced and movement happens but it is not known what controls it.

This is the nub of it. Who or what controls movements, thoughts, speech? Yes, we overlay this story that it is 'Anne' or 'John', but really that doesn't hold anymore. How can a thought think?

Our problem is this, that we can't observe a controller.
We acted like we could observe 'Anne' as the controller.
But we couldn't really. We just told ourselves the story that 'Anne' was in control.
But still, we miss that story, and the feeling of control that the story of 'Anne' provided.
Notice that we are not satisfied with mere control like touching each finger on one hand with the thumb - done with complete precision and control.
Oh no, we want more than control, we want to be the controller! :)
We are so used to 'Anne' being in control, that we want a replacement. :D
Now, does control require a controller?
What if control is inherent in this intelligent human being reading this?
Are we willing to drop our demand for a controller?
And who would be observing this controller?
Another supervising controller?

The whole deal is predicated on there being a controller, just like 'Anne'.
And the truth is, we don't like living without that feeling.
At least to begin with.

Now, spend an hour living life free of any notion of a controller, or having one.

Share what you discover, without a discoverer.

With much love,
John