Seeking guidance.

[JFK1974]

Video didn’t resonate. But plan on watching again when not rushed for time.

I started this path with the first way of non duality. The bubble of awareness.

I was at one point very unsettled with the nondoership concept. How dare someone say I didn’t work for everything I got. Now, I don’t care. Let me see the truth of all this regardless of where it takes me.

Never told you and maybe you read between lines but have struggled with the OCD thing for a number of years. There goes my anonymity:) it’s a beat down. But got me here and something I heard recently gives solace- everything has showed up exactly as it should l- thoughts, people, mistakes, failures, etc. to get me right here.

[graceabounds]

Yes, I was recognized that for a few years- validation. I thought I saw that and move forward but I don’t think so by the nature of some of my recent thinking.

The story- bane of my existence. The pay off. Chasing after achievement, recognition, respect, blah, blah.

Identifying at other times as the one who fails, never gets noticed, doesn’t amount to anything, can’t get it blah blah blah is just as addictive…

Spent last few hours each time a thought arises that is bothersome I look for the one who’s suffering. Each time I see it’s nothing

Great. A bothersome thought arises—who is it bothering? Where is that one?

When you look and see nothing, is that the absence of someone suffering? Or is it the exposure that there was never anyone there to suffer—not even a watcher or seer?

I was at one point very unsettled with the nondoership concept. How dare someone say I didn’t work for everything I got. Now, I don’t care. Let me see the truth of all this regardless of where it takes me.

Never told you and maybe you read between lines but have struggled with the OCD thing for a number of years.

There it is. That raw honesty. That’s the crack where the light blasts in.

Forget nondoership. Forget OCD. Forget whether you “worked hard” or whether things “should” have happened.

Right now—this moment—tell me:
Where is the you who supposedly made the choices?

Not the idea. Not the memory. Not the thought-loop.
Direct, actual, unfiltered:
What made the next word you’re about to type happen?

Do it. Pause and observe what makes that impulse rise.

Was there any tiny “you” inside the head pulling levers?
Or did it just happen?

Same with the OCD.
You think you chose the intrusive thought? Chose the panic? Chose the checking or the doubting or the disgust?

Look again.
It’s just happening, isn’t it?

Same with the peace. Same with the insight. Same with the clinging and letting go.

It’s all showing up. And not one iota of it has anything to do with a central controller.

So now the question:
What remains when the one who “has OCD” is no longer believed to exist?
Not the story. Not the label. Not the identity built on it.

Right now—before thought labels it—what’s left?

Look from there and tell me what you find.

[JFK1974]

Right now—this moment—tell me:
Where is the you who supposedly made the choices?

Not the idea. Not the memory. Not the thought-loop.
Direct, actual, unfiltered:
What made the next word you’re about to type happen?

Do it. Pause and observe what makes that impulse rise.

If nothing is referenced, no idea. If you shut down this mind, all that would exist is “this.” Illusion or not, what’s in front of me.

Sitting here thinking, or not trying to think, thoughts arise. Almost echo previous thoughts or what’s happening in front of me.

[JFK1974]

Look again.
It’s just happening, isn’t it?

Things just happen. Thoughts. Sensations. Conditioning. Habits. I see it! I do! That’s the frustration. Which I assume just arises as well.

Same with the peace. Same with the insight. Same with the clinging and letting go.

It’s all showing up. And not one iota of it has anything to do with a central controller.

There is a very ubdistributed balance. Ha. Joke.

The controller is conditions. Beliefs. Old habits.

So now the question:
What remains when the one who “has OCD” is no longer believed to exist?
Not the story. Not the label. Not the identity built on it.

Right now—before thought labels it—what’s left?

Look from there and tell me what you find.

I guess nothing. This as well. Like when I am engulfed in something- I forget I suffer. Or it doesn’t exist. Happens each day at work until- the thought arises - why did you have that thought? Then restarts. Then amnesia of the previous hour or two.

I recognize this fears are silly and untrue. Fabricated. Just sticky. Like a lingering sickness that hangs around long after you are well enough to go back to school, work, life.

I’ve done a lot of really hard things in life. Part of this identity- tough guy. Resilient. This whole thing has tested this imaginary person beyond compare.

[graceabounds]

If you shut down this mind, all that would exist is “this.” Illusion or not, what’s in front of me.

Sitting here thinking, or not trying to think, thoughts arise. Almost echo previous thoughts or what’s happening in front of me.

OK. Now. Is ‘this,’ what is in front of you, still accessible, still ‘this’ … with thoughts still happening too?

The controller is conditions. Beliefs. Old habits.

Is it?
Is that another belief?

I’ve done a lot of really hard things in life. Part of this identity- tough guy. Resilient. This whole thing has tested this imaginary person beyond compare.

Did the fact (perhaps) that you once believed in Santa ever make him real?

There was never an imaginary person to be tested… it is all a facade.

Let the whole persona die—fully. Let that imaginary self collapse like an abandoned shell.

What’s left when you don’t refer to him at all?
Not the memory. Not the emotion. Not the narrative.
What remains, in raw, direct experience?

Don’t answer from the mind. Look.

[JFK1974]

Ok this is what I saw today-

1. Looking for a self in a thought or emotions isn’t possible. Repeatedly did that. And not there. I felt guilt. Looked for who felt guilty. It just arose and stayed longer with my attention and concern. Still feel it a little actually:(

2. There is no way to determine the intensity of a sensation without a thought. I kept imagining (thought I know) how would I know if it was strong, piercing, etc. without a thought. It would just this.

3. There is a sense of self behind the eyes that isn’t fixed. Shifts depending on my attention towards sensation in solar plexus or looking for an origination/location of a thought.

4. I looked for the sense of self everywhere. Throughout body and no concrete details but something knows. Don’t know what. Although that was in my head for awhile. Like, “what am I then?” And, “something is here, how can there be nothing. Maybe all thinking. Probably but something knows thoughts and sensations.

5. Then went sense to sense. If no seeing, then what. Still a me. If no seeing and hearing, still able to feel, taste, hear. One by one. Came to final realization that without any- there only this sense and thoughts. But again, how would thoughts be known without the seeing of it?

Then, kind of got off it and just felt. Noticed. The changing and increasing and decreasing of different sensations. Jaw tightening without consciously doing. Then back to, looking for a definitive self and circling back to- something is here? How do I know?

Or, a serious elaborate display of creativity/intelligence from something.

Kept “remembering” if no story of OCD, is it there? No story of suffering, what then?

Goes back to all the above? What the hell am I? Or what’s actually going on?

Lot of ifs and confusion.

[graceabounds]

I felt guilt. Looked for who felt guilty. It just arose and stayed longer with my attention and concern. Still feel it a little actually:(

2. There is no way to determine the intensity of a sensation without a thought.

What is the experience of guilt without the label guilt? Do the sensations warrant ‘concern’? Can it just be pure sensation? A flavor in the soup?

3. There is a sense of self behind the eyes that isn’t fixed. Shifts depending on my attention towards sensation in solar plexus or looking for an origination/location of a thought

Of course it moves, because it isn’t real, it is a mirage. Since it moves could it be just another sensation? What gives the impression that it is ‘sense of self’?

“something is here, how can there be nothing. Maybe all thinking. Probably but something knows thoughts and sensations.

Is there? What is here that is not a thought? LOOK. Back to the way you would look to see what color socks you are wearing… in direct experience. Thoughts can’t tell you the answer. Stop checking in with thoughts.

Then went sense to sense. If no seeing, then what. Still a me. If no seeing and hearing, still able to feel, taste, hear. One by one. Came to final realization that without any- there only this sense and thoughts. But again, how would thoughts be known without the seeing of it?

Great.
Thoughts arising is direct experience. Content of thought is not.


You’re trying to prove or disprove existence.
But who wants the answer?

Can you find that one?

Isn’t that just another thought, panicking, trying to land on something stable?

Or, a serious elaborate display of creativity/intelligence from something.

YES.

But drop the “from something.” That’s the mind trying to wrap this in a bow.

Just look at the raw, merciless, ecstatic truth:

This. Is. Genius.



Go all the way back to direct experience. Marinate in it. Answer all the above from what can be seen, heard, tasted, touched. No more stories. Interpretation can go out the window.

Direct or Actual Experience is:

Seeing
Hearing
Feeling (not emotion - emotion is sensation plus thoughts/labels)
Tasting
Smelling
Thoughts Arising (but not their content, what the thought is ABOUT)


What is actually happening?

[JFK1974]

Be honest. It’s all thought. I see it. It’s thought wanting to know “who or what is aware.” It is thought that freaks itself out. It is thought that fears sensations. It is thought that responds to thought. It’s evident. No different that Santa Claus. But it’s not the same response to finding out there’s no imaginary person.

Just keep replaying. Groundhog Dog. Content changes. Fears change.

[graceabounds]

Is there any actual “thing” in there, experiencing this loop?

Or is the loop just running, with no one in it?

Right now, do this:

1. Notice a thought. Any thought. “This is pointless,” “I need to get it,” “This again,” whatever shows up.
Catch it in real time.

2. Now ask:
Where did it come from?
Can you find any source—any mechanism—where the thought was chosen or authored?

3. Now drop this:
Who noticed the thought?

No story. No analysis. Look.
Was there a witness?
Or did noticing just happen, too?

4. Now: Let a new thought come in. Just wait. Don’t choose. Let it show up.
Then:
Did you bring it?
Did you summon it?
Did you even know what it would be before it came?

5. Finally—watch this whole process.
Was there ever a “you” doing anything?
Or was it just thought watching thought, reacting to itself?

Let the bottom fall out.
Sit with what’s left—no ground, no witness, no controller.
Just what’s actually here.

[JFK1974]

Is there any actual “thing” in there, experiencing this loop?

Or is the loop just running, with no one in it?

Becca, without thought it just is. Just sensations, seeing, hearing, etc.

With thought, with consistent looking, it’s only thought that gets mistaken as truth.

While doing the inquiry,

It was noticed that thoughts seemingly appear and dissolve. Some come with an accompanying sensations or vice versa a thought interprets a sensation. Without content, that’s what is happening. (Problem is- I pay attention of content).

It also is seen that the “seeing” also arises with thought. Almost like a one two punch so to speak. Thought- noticing of thought.

Which I can’t discern as something independent or autonomous from thought or something appearing with thought. If that makes sense.

Where does thoughts come from? No clue. Like a black hole.

There was so much energy moving. Like fuzzy all over body sensations, that everything jumbled together at one point. I guess there because it was known but never saw the final question-


What’s here after all of it.

I’m willing to say I am having unusual “sadness” the last few hours. Not sure. Without thought a sensation but not a normal one for me.

Santa still seems real right now.

[graceabounds]

It also is seen that the “seeing” also arises with thought. Almost like a one two punch so to speak. Thought- noticing of thought.

Which I can’t discern as something independent or autonomous from thought or something appearing with thought. If that makes sense.

Yes. That’s the edge. Stay right there.

“Seeing” seems to arise with thought—not before, not after. It’s like:
Thought appears. Then—bam—‘I saw that thought.’

But who saw it?

Look again. Is there really a “noticing” happening to a thought? Or is that “noticing” just another layer of thought?

You can’t find a watcher apart from the watched.

It’s all thought referencing itself.
No observer. Just the idea of one.

Drop even that.

What’s left before the idea of “seeing”?
Right now—don’t think. Don’t interpret.

What’s here without anyone here to see it?

Name it and you’re back in thought.

So—stay.

Where does thoughts come from? No clue. Like a black hole.

Beautiful. Say that again. Out loud. No. Clue.

Now let this land: If there’s no clue where they come from… how could you be the thinker?

There was so much energy moving. Like fuzzy all over body sensations, that everything jumbled together at one point. I guess there because it was known but never saw the final question-

What’s here after all of it.

I’m willing to say I am having unusual “sadness” the last few hours. Not sure. Without thought a sensation but not a normal one for me.

STAY in the rawness.

STAY in that disorientation. That’s not confusion—it’s freedom from the lie of orientation.

[JFK1974]

What’s before thought?

Silence? Openness? Peace? Stillness?

[graceabounds]

Is this guessing or is there no clear path between the experience and language?

If the latter… fall deeper into this gap.

[JFK1974]

Made me laugh. Partial guess. Partial truth. Partial hint from someone.

Sat for awhile during lunch and just was quiet. Everything seemed at the moment calm. Saw this person differently. Understood briefly that it wasn’t me. Saw the suffering and wanting to be free. Saw the struggle. Saw the confusion. Saw the mistaken noticing as not me but another thought.

Was outside or this person within me. Nothing profound. Just a moment of maybe clarity and definitely see how it is hard to see. Or closer than close.

[graceabounds]

Great.
More of that then.

Suffering, struggle… all a story. We are working from what is already the case.

Nothing profound.

What if there is no big bang? Just simple and ordinary. So disappointing to the one who has expectations…

Sit quietly and relax, take your time just looking at what is in front of you for awhile.
Observe how the mind is dividing and labelling every thing into objects and is embellishing them with stories about what they are.
Give it some time
Then, stop watching the objects as labelled objects. Just look at the seeing itself. Observe the pure process of seeing.

“Closer than close…”
:)