Overcoming Doubt

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

you did a good observation and I trust the experience is unfolding smoothly how it was on our last meeting.

Though, my intuition (or whatever it is) tells me to keep doing this - get really close to this mechanism until I can see through it. It’s like everything else is a distraction from this, including exercise and spending time with friends, and so on, because they take some of my attention away, and it takes every bit of my attention to stay with this because it is so uncomfortable. That’s where I am with it for now.

Right. What do you expect to see there?
Look closely - what is the expectation?

Sending much love,
Luchana

[oconnordon]

Right. What do you expect to see there?
Look closely - what is the expectation?

I expect to see that there is looking, or awareness, which is what I am, and then there is content of thoughts and emotions - and there is a “feeling of me” contained in or implied by the thoughts and emotions - and I expect to see clearly that I am the looking itself and I am not the “me” that feels like it is the subject of the thoughts and emotions. And yet the feeling of me persists and confusion persists and some kind of feeling of identification persists - and a belief persists that goes: “I can’t see through these thoughts and emotions”; “I can’t disidentify from this feeling of me”. There is an expectation that some kind of clarity will arise where a gap will be seen between the looking and what is seen such that it will be clear that I am not what is seen but I am what is looking. And there is frustration that that clarity doesn’t appear to arise. And it’s almost like I’m looking right at it while holding the belief that I can’t see it.

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

I expect to see that there is looking, or awareness, which is what I am, and then there is content of thoughts and emotions - and there is a “feeling of me” contained in or implied by the thoughts and emotions - and I expect to see clearly that I am the looking itself and I am not the “me” that feels like it is the subject of the thoughts and emotions. And yet the feeling of me persists and confusion persists and some kind of feeling of identification persists - and a belief persists that goes: “I can’t see through these thoughts and emotions”; “I can’t disidentify from this feeling of me”. There is an expectation that some kind of clarity will arise where a gap will be seen between the looking and what is seen such that it will be clear that I am not what is seen but I am what is looking. And there is frustration that that clarity doesn’t appear to arise. And it’s almost like I’m looking right at it while holding the belief that I can’t see it.

Right...
Look at this which is saying or believing “I can’t see through these thoughts and emotions”

How EXACTLY is that one experienced?


The I which is expecting to see through itself - is there such THING?


Or there is a feeling?

Is the feeling of it - it?


Sending love,
Luchana

[oconnordon]

Look at this which is saying or believing “I can’t see through these thoughts and emotions”

How EXACTLY is that one experienced?

The I which is expecting to see through itself - is there such THING?

Or there is a feeling?

Is the feeling of it - it?

Gosh, this is from more than three weeks ago and here I am in the same place again. I feel like I’m sitting in the present moment and there aren’t too many thoughts, and yet there is a feeling, or a belief, that I’m identified - and therefore I’m sitting here being a person who is “doing” some sitting in the so-called present. And I can’t tell what I’m thinking or believing or feeling because it is all somewhat vague. There is a feeling of discomfort - like sadness and anxiety and loneliness along with a physical sense of “I don’t want to be here”, “I feel uncomfortable”. There is a sense that I am resisting this. So, there is discomfort and resistance and confusion and a general belief or feeling that I am doing this wrong and I am identified as the one doing it wrong - therefore there is no point in sitting and pretending to be present if all I am doing is practicing being a person “doing” meditation. That is the general feeling: confusion, resistance, discomfort, self-criticism, doubt.

I see about stepping back and noticing all of this. I look around the room and notice that I am present here. There is a contraction of thought energy - or some kind of energy in the head - that feels like it pulls attention into this feeling of discomfort and confusion and doubt. My aspiration is to step back from that and not fully believe that I am identified with it. Sometimes it is easier and there is apparently more clarity than confusion. At other times it is more difficult and there is a lot of energy in the confusion and distraction and it is hard to feel like I am doing any good sitting here. Though I do not want to give up and “let it win”. I want to see through the mechanism that appears to be pulling me in. In the past two days it seemed to be easier - but in reality it was easier and harder in waves throughout the day.

To approach answering the questions above: there is just awareness, or presence, and there are sights and sounds and sensations and these thoughts and feelings. Certain of the thoughts and feelings - this contraction in my head - are taken to mean something about “me”, something about identification, something about being wrong, doing it wrong. Even though it is not necessary to talk about inner child parts, it can be helpful every now and then. Following therapeutic work of the past few days, it feels like it might be useful to sit with a shame-filled inner child part who was emotional abused and criticised for years and years. It is good to sit with these parts and accept them. However, it is also difficult to do so as both identification and confusion can arise easily, along with distraction and doubt, and so on. Writing a few sentences about it here might help to clarify it a bit.

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

In the absence of time - time goes so quick, yea...
Thank you for sharing your heart.

Let's look here:

there is just awareness, or presence, and there are sights and sounds and sensations and these thoughts and feelings. Certain of the thoughts and feelings - this contraction in my head - are taken to mean something about “me”, something about identification, something about being wrong, doing it wrong. Even though it is not necessary to talk about inner child parts, it can be helpful every now and then. Following therapeutic work of the past few days, it feels like it might be useful to sit with a shame-filled inner child part who was emotional abused and criticised for years and years. It is good to sit with these parts and accept them. However, it is also difficult to do so as both identification and confusion can arise easily, along with distraction and doubt, and so on. Writing a few sentences about it here might help to clarify it a bit.

All right.
When you say - "are taken to mean something about "me"

What EXACTLY takes those?

And how that is experienced?

Go back here many times ...

Who or what takes the thoughts and feeling to be "me"?

How many are here?


Lots of love,
Luchana

[oconnordon]

All right.
When you say - "are taken to mean something about "me"

What EXACTLY takes those?

And how that is experienced?

Go back here many times ...

Who or what takes the thoughts and feeling to be "me"?

How many are here?

I’ve been watching some of Angelo’s videos, for a change, and asking this question: what exactly takes those thoughts and feelings to mean something about “me”? As the day goes on, it is easier to sit and feel present, and then I can pay attention to this pointer and notice the empty stillness of the present moment in such a way that it can’t be understood, and any mental activity is, for a while, seen as just activity, and has nothing to do with figuring out anything useful. It is clear that there is no figuring out to be done; just noticing.

However, for most of the day, I feel very overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that feel a lot like they’re about me, about my life now. It’s rather intense these days. Like heavy, heavy all the time. But I do feel grateful that I can start to see through it by late afternoon if I have a whole day free to sit with what’s coming up.

And then I see the still space of the present moment more and more clearly. And yet, as I sit with that for an hour or two, it doesn’t get clearer. And after a while I run out of energy and the negative thoughts and doubts come back, and the confusion comes back. And it’s not like I’m trying to figure out what Angelo is pointing at because I know that that doesn’t require any figuring out. But the thoughts and feelings, the confusion and fear and distraction and doubt comes back and starts to become harder and harder to keep at bay.

So, yeah, there’s some clarity. But it’s also a big struggle every day to get through the day. And I’m only very slightly better at seeing through the thoughts and emotions. And the better I get at it - if I’m getting better at it - there more intense the emotional content seems to get, week after week. There’s real dread and despair and hopelessness and sadness and loneliness and fear of death and shame and all kinds of stuff nearly every day, for most of the day. And then I get some clarity for a couple of hours in the evening, if I’m lucky. And then the heavy trip starts again the following morning. Bloody hell.


Here I am the following morning reading this and it seems just right as a description of the past few days. It’s the Monday bank holiday now so I’m in the most low stress situation I could be these days, nothing been in work for more than two days. And yet it feelings are very heavy indeed. After two days without a tablet, I took one this morning. I have a cold and I don’t have the same energy to deal with things today. It seems to take great energy and determination each day to face how I feel, hour by hour. There is no sense of resolution; it’s just the same stuff over and over. It feels like I don’t have the resources to help myself. For a few days here and there, there is a sense of space around things. And I have to remind myself of that on the other days. It feels like a week or more now since I felt some of that space - or any confidence that I’m doing the right thing.

I do feel more confident than I did. But I do still have the lingering question: if I don’t have the resources to heal whatever feelings that are going on here, I’ll just have to focus on awakening instead; but what if the fact that I can’t properly settle into the present moment prevents the insights needed for awakening to progress? I do worry about that. Even at my best, when I’m listening to Angelo in the evenings and I feel really present for an hour, or even two or three hours, I’m never free of the need to make constant effort to stay present and not become distracted or go slightly unconscious or get identified with the fears and criticisms at any moment. I keep feeling like I need a more stable emotional state in order to do “better” self-inquiry and progress with awakening. But I don’t feel like I’m making much progress with becoming more emotionally stable.

When I remember back to my posts about “my first thought in the morning” from a few months ago, I could say that I must be in a slightly better place now than I was then. On the other hand, I could say that my first thought in the morning today is very much exactly the same thought. Well, it’s less of the dramatic story of six or so months ago and more of the intense feelings. It really feels like I’m alone in the world and nothing will ever be enjoyable again and there’s no point to anything and there’s no-one to connect to and nothing I can think of to do that will help. And I could say: hasn’t the universe blessed me with exactly the right circumstances for awakening? I’ve learned that nothing in the world will bring me happiness or security. Great. It’s just, like I say, that if the intensity of these emotions makes it very difficult for me to be present, maybe it will prevent awakening. I often feel like I could be here, feeling intense sadness and fear and hopelessness for eight or ten hours a day, week after week, for several more months or years, and who knows what use it all is?

I’m just writing down some of my doubts. Now I’m going to get back to sitting with my feelings for the day!

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

thank you for sharing your experience,

Let's look here:

I do feel more confident than I did. But I do still have the lingering question: if I don’t have the resources to heal whatever feelings that are going on here, I’ll just have to focus on awakening instead;

Great. Notice that the confidence is subtle, but it is here.
Focus the attention here.

And look - how the focusing happens?

Is there something moving the focus or the focus happens by itself?

Sending love,
Luchana

[oconnordon]

Let's look here:

I do feel more confident than I did. But I do still have the lingering question: if I don’t have the resources to heal whatever feelings that are going on here, I’ll just have to focus on awakening instead;

Great. Notice that the confidence is subtle, but it is here.
Focus the attention here.

And look - how the focusing happens?

Is there something moving the focus or the focus happens by itself?

This morning, I noticed some negative thoughts and decided to work with the feelings of them a bit, like David had suggested. That worked a little bit. Then, I thought I could step back and not believe the thoughts, and it seemed possible to do that. Then, there was a feeling of confusion, that felt like “me”, confused. I tried to notice that that is just a sensation with a label, but it is persistent and difficult to work with. Then, I thought: who is doing this practice? Maybe I can surrender to what’s happening instead. And the one doing the practice seemed to almost disappear. So, there is a balance between making an effort to focus and surrendering. I did this for a little while but eventually it got away from me.

Later, when I woke up fully, I tried to do the same thing again but I couldn’t remember properly what the steps were. There was a lot of confusion and negativity and distraction, over and over, for a number of hours.

Then, I listened to Angelo talking about getting close to thoughts until you see that the thoughts just arise out of consciousness and identity arises with each thought and there is no subject or object. Just be pure subjectivity and notice. I have sat with that for quite a while but there is a very strong feeling / thought of doubt or wrongness at the centre. It is like I can see that there is just this thought and the awareness of it, all one, and yet the thought itself says No, Wrong, so strongly, so continuously. It’s almost dizzying how wrong I feel while doing this.

I want to keep going after it because I am frustrated but I should take a break and see if later on I feel more space around it and can not believe the thoughts again for a while, which sometimes happens spontaneously. Though, the clarity I had first thing this morning is unusual. I just can’t remember how to get back to it!

After all of that, I now feel surprisingly identified with thoughts, and quite anxious and worried and afraid and wrong, and so on. Rrrrrr! Annoying.

[oconnordon]

Tuesday 5th November (2)

Let's look here:

I do feel more confident than I did. But I do still have the lingering question: if I don’t have the resources to heal whatever feelings that are going on here, I’ll just have to focus on awakening instead;

Great. Notice that the confidence is subtle, but it is here.
Focus the attention here.

And look - how the focusing happens?

Is there something moving the focus or the focus happens by itself?

I don’t know how or why the focus moves to notice the confidence. Or how the confidence is found. When there is an intention to focus on the confidence, it appears, and I feel a little more confident. Then I read the other two lines above and wonder how the attention moves. And then I get distracted and think about other things for a few minutes. And then I come back to the start and do it all again. I don’t know what brings me back or what takes me away into distraction. There are various commenting thoughts throughout, saying do this, don’t do that, etc. If the implication is that there is no-one here doing the focusing, then “I” have no control over it and that is kind of scary, as there is an expectation here that I will just drift into depressing and anxious thought streams and not come back out. So, there is a reluctance to accept that there is no control.

Sometimes, there seems to be a surrender to whatever thoughts and emotions are around. And yet there are times when that surrender seems to be done in a general context of clarity, so that things are seen and recognised and felt but there isn’t a feeling of getting totally distracted and identified. And then there are times when “I” get distracted and identified and forget what I was doing - which I don’t like - because it feels so much more like identification.

So, there’s a desire here to retain some kind of clarity and not allow identification and confusion to take over, if possible. It is sometimes - maybe not always - difficult to know how to do this without being too controlling. Angelo talks about the meeting place of intention and surrender. That phrase came to mind this morning. Sometimes it feels easier than at other times. When the intense confusion is there, it definitely doesn’t feel easy. I don’t know yet what makes the difference between it being easy or difficult.

For a lot of today, for example - actually for the vast majority of today - I was trying just to surrender and not try too hard and see what is happening, etc., but it just felt like a daze with little or no clarity - a general sense that I’m confused and don’t know what’s going on, but with little sense of what thoughts or beliefs or feelings are causing it. So, I try to look into what’s happening, but it is generally cloudy and confusing and I can’t tell what’s going on - for hours and hours! So, it’s a bit frustrating at times. And then at other times, clarity arises for whatever reason, and stays for a while - but never so far stays for long enough for something new to be seen, so it seems.

Then I have this argument with myself: can confusion prevent me from being awake? Well, how could it? It’s just a sensation and a thought labelling it. And what could be confused but another thought? So, it’s just a diversion and I should pay no attention to it. But it’s a bloody energetic diversion, though. It often has enough energy to take most of my attention away and make me feel dazed and dizzy for half the day. And, of course, in the middle of it is the doubt thought - or the general contention that I’m doing it all wrong. It all feels the farthest from what one would imagine awakeness would feel like!

[oconnordon]

Tuesday 5th November (3)

Let's look here:

I do feel more confident than I did. But I do still have the lingering question: if I don’t have the resources to heal whatever feelings that are going on here, I’ll just have to focus on awakening instead;

Great. Notice that the confidence is subtle, but it is here.
Focus the attention here.

And look - how the focusing happens?

Is there something moving the focus or the focus happens by itself?

1
Sitting here for longer, it appears that attention moves around spontaneously. But really bringing a focus to something requires some kind of intention - I think. It is all quite relaxed and natural. But then there is also a feeling of anxiety in the background that “I” will get distracted and end up identified with thoughts at any moment, and “I” have no control over when that will happen. So, that feels weird. How to see through that?

Right now, I’m looking directly at a belief / feeling that “I” can be distracted, “I” can become identified with thoughts. It is a kind of anxiety / belief / feeling. So, therefore, “I” need to make sure that that doesn’t happen. Which is a bit ironic.

So, I need to take a backward step from that, so it seems. And now I feel the pull of doubt - a feeling of confusion and doubt that tells me that I can’t see clearly and I can’t get out of the feeling of confusion. It’s like a physical sensation in the head. So, now I have the opportunity to see if this can prevent awakening!

2
I don’t know why there’s always distraction. The Buddhists used to talk about “the state of non-distraction”. I experienced that for three months in the year 2000. Ever since, it’s been a different story. I’ve tried to force myself to concentrate for more than 40 years. It hasn’t worked very well so far. I might have a look now at what pushes the distraction so strongly. It feels like there is a lot of anxiety here.

The attempt to focus on this has led to the most distraction of the day. Stories within stories within stories - daydreams that go on and on until you don’t know where they started.

My intention was to focus on the desire to distract and ask what is under that.

Every time I really focus on the impulse to distract, I get an image of the first year I went to boarding school at the age of 12. Usually, I tell a story about how anxious I was and how I had to try and figure everything out about the new place and the regime and the culture and the boys in my class, and so on. My attention goes out to all of these new things that I need to figure out, leaving none for sitting and concentrating on what I’m reading.

Right now, though, when I ask the part involved what really motivates the distraction, the first answer is: to cover up the intense sadness that I can no longer live my life, but now must follow this regime set by others and try to measure up to something external; I must abandon my own aspirations for my life and try to achieve what others want instead. So, there is a sadness there that I lost my ability to be myself and the distraction is partly to cover that up so that I don’t feel how intense it is.

Also maybe that I felt it would be dangerous to be myself there, in that place.

I feel some anger about it now as well. That I was bullied and shamed and made to feel wrong to such an extent that I couldn’t concentrate on my school work, and then I was called lazy and irresponsible and good for nothing for failing at school - and then all of my life decisions were taken away from me by the people who put me in that position - and they blamed me for the results of their actions so that they could continue to feel right. And now, 43 years later, I haven’t got out from under the weight of it yet. So, that’s disappointing!

But I did say earlier that it doesn’t make sense to believe that distraction can prevent awakening - because who gets distracted, anyway? But, in practice, it’s hard to get clarity if you can’t stay on topic.

I feel like I’ve gone down a rabbit hole now. I’ve got quite upset and distracted and angry, and so on. I’m going to go back and watch some Angelo videos for a while to calm myself down and get back on track.

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

lovely shafting.

let's look here:

Sitting here for longer, it appears that attention moves around spontaneously. But really bringing a focus to something requires some kind of intention - I think. It is all quite relaxed and natural. But then there is also a feeling of anxiety in the background that “I” will get distracted and end up identified with thoughts at any moment, and “I” have no control over when that will happen. So, that feels weird. How to see through that?

Right the attention moves spontaneously.
That's clear, right?

Let's look at how intention is happening.

Can a spot be found from where it is emerges?
Doe the impulse arising by someone?
Someone is REALLY intending ?

YES or NO?

Do not follow thoughts about distraction and no control.... Just notice that they are there.


Be very alert and curious for the intention itself.

Sending love,
Luchana

[oconnordon]

I’ve been watching one of Angelo’s guided meditations. He asks something like what is a thought. I’ve relaxed a lot by now and it seems to me that a thought is like a snapshot of something, like a memory or an image, a concept, or even a feeling. There is a contraction around the snapshot because there is a desire to grasp it, to understand it, to hold onto it, to make it solid, to create some security or safety out of it. It is just a contraction of energy. Well, actually, a thought is probably fine if it is let go again. Only if it is held onto, if it is grasped, if it is taken seriously, if it is believed - believed as being separate or permanent or as a “thing”, then it becomes a contraction. If there is a releasing of contraction, then everything can flow on by. It is not clear that anything can be “understood” without these contracted thoughts. Or maybe understanding arises naturally and doesn’t have to be tried for. Understanding doesn’t require effort. In fact, effort is the worst thing. That is trying to control what is happening by making it into a story that “I” can understand. And ideally a story that makes “me” feel better.

There is still a small anxiety that thoughts will gain some control again. But then there is the recognition that the thoughts are only these contractions. So, therefore, there is no-one to be persuaded by them - only another concept that has been grasped into a contraction - another thought or another feeling. “I” is a contraction around a concept or thought. There are feelings associated with it that make it familiar - like anxiety and fear and shame and powerlessness and wrongness, and so on. There is also resistance to these emotions which makes the contraction stronger. The longer I describe this the more identified I feel.

Just noticing the thoughts themselves as contractions of energy around a snapshot of memory, it is easy to see that there is nothing to them and no-one believing them or thinking them.

There is a habitual tendency to grasp at snapshots and contract around thoughts in order to create some kind of security or certainty. The irony is that there is more anxiety when that is happening than when there is no attempt to grasp or create knowledge or certainty. Allowing everything to flow by as it is generates no anxiety.

[oconnordon]

I’ve been watching one of Angelo’s guided meditations. He asks something like what is a thought. I’ve relaxed a lot by now and it seems to me that a thought is like a snapshot of something, like a memory or an image, a concept, or even a feeling. There is a contraction around the snapshot because there is a desire to grasp it, to understand it, to hold onto it, to make it solid, to create some security or safety out of it. It is just a contraction of energy. Well, actually, a thought is probably fine if it is let go again. Only if it is held onto, if it is grasped, if it is taken seriously, if it is believed - believed as being separate or permanent or as a “thing”, then it becomes a contraction. If there is a releasing of contraction, then everything can flow on by. It is not clear that anything can be “understood” without these contracted thoughts. Or maybe understanding arises naturally and doesn’t have to be tried for. Understanding doesn’t require effort. In fact, effort is the worst thing. That is trying to control what is happening by making it into a story that “I” can understand. And ideally a story that makes “me” feel better.

There is still a small anxiety that thoughts will gain some control again. But then there is the recognition that the thoughts are only these contractions. So, therefore, there is no-one to be persuaded by them - only another concept that has been grasped into a contraction - another thought or another feeling. “I” is a contraction around a concept or thought. There are feelings associated with it that make it familiar - like anxiety and fear and shame and powerlessness and wrongness, and so on. There is also resistance to these emotions which makes the contraction stronger. The longer I describe this the more identified I feel.

Just noticing the thoughts themselves as contractions of energy around a snapshot of memory, it is easy to see that there is nothing to them and no-one believing them or thinking them.

There is a habitual tendency to grasp at snapshots and contract around thoughts in order to create some kind of security or certainty. The irony is that there is more anxiety when that is happening than when there is no attempt to grasp or create knowledge or certainty. Allowing everything to flow by as it is generates no anxiety.

[Luchana]

Hi Don,

Just noticing the thoughts themselves as contractions of energy around a snapshot of memory, it is easy to see that there is nothing to them and no-one believing them or thinking them.

that is beautiful!

There is a habitual tendency to grasp at snapshots and contract around thoughts in order to create some kind of security or certainty. The irony is that there is more anxiety when that is happening than when there is no attempt to grasp or create knowledge or certainty. Allowing everything to flow by as it is generates no anxiety.

Right! Allowing everything to flow.

Can it be noticed is there allowER?
or allowing happens effortlessly just as everything else?

Next when you have space and feeling calm let's explore the sense of self deeper.

Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it.

Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire

Does the sense of self have a location?
Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?
Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?
If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?
Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?
What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?


Sending much love,
Luchana

[oconnordon]

Right! Allowing everything to flow.

Can it be noticed is there allowER?
or allowing happens effortlessly just as everything else?

Next when you have space and feeling calm let's explore the sense of self deeper.

Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it.

Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire

Does the sense of self have a location?
Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?
Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?
If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?
Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?
What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

There is no allower. The one who appears to be the subject of stories, who appears to come back from distraction still feeling like that subject, then feels like the one who should have prevented distraction or who should have caused or allowed presence. But that is allowed already. There is no-one allowing.

The feeling of the sense of self arises as emotional responses to thoughts, sights, sounds, and so on. The physical contractions arising from emotional reactions is located somewhere in the head or the body and the “self” who appears to be the subject of these thoughts, and so on, is identified as located wherever these emotions and sensations appear to be. However, these are just contractions, sensations - habitually labelled as “me”. Stepping back, there is no location for a self. If there is a self, there is no location. Or shape or size or communication. If there continues to appear to be a self, in the end it is a thought, an idea.

If it is forgotten that there is meant to be a self here perceiving, then there is perceiving that is not from a strict location. It is not incredibly clear, however, as the habitual feeling of “self” continues and the feeling of that continues to be located as described above. Additionally, there is doubt that awareness without a self can be experienced here. And that very feeling of doubt, wrongness, failure, frustration, stuckness, powerlessness, etc., is the very feeling / characteristic of the “self” identity here throughout much of life. So, that feeling of doubt resonates as the feeling of the “self” here.

There is a clear noticing that there is just awareness, looking, perceiving, noticing, with no centre; there is no subject or object; there is no way of telling who is perceiving and what is being perceived; there is no perceiver or perceived separate from each other; there is no each other. There is no border between the sensation in the head where the feeling of “self” appears to be located and the sounds and sensations and sights, or even thoughts. The only thing to mark out the feeling of self as separate is a feeling of “I don’t like this” that’s attached to this feeling, like a label or description.

There is some sort of certainty in the centre of this, along the lines of “I must be wrong”. The feeling of “self” is labelled or tagged with “I must be wrong” and there is a feeling of certainty to that which appears to have the ability to contradict direct evidence. There appears to be clear evidence / experience that this “self” is just a contraction, a sensation, a feeling, an object among other objects - and there are not even subjects and objects. And yet there remains this conviction that says “No. It doesn’t matter about the evidence. This self exists even if it is clear that it does not.”

There is a certain amount of frustration around this experience.

I think I heard Helen Hamilton - and maybe others - saying that the feeling of a me wouldn’t necessarily disappear. I think I have held a belief for a long time that as long as I continue to experience a feeling of me that feels like me, then I haven’t see through the self. I don’t know yet how to feel this feeling of me without it feeling like me!

I keep stepping back and taking my attention out of it and noticing the broader context.

I think the feeling of self almost fades away and disappears at times. And then it appears to come back and it is assumed that it was there all along, even though there are clearly gaps.

Therefore the self is a belief, not a real thing.

But the feeling of it doesn’t fully disappear. It is a contraction, a sensation. The sensation has a label - something along the lines of failure, “I can’t do this”. Which only goes to prove that “I” can’t see through self. And yet it is this very non-existent self that seems to hold this belief. The awareness or existence that notices all of this is not subject to this doubt. The doubt only refers to the contraction, the feeling. The “I can’t do this” feeling. The “I can’t do this” belief refers to the “I can’t do this” feeling. And yet awareness extends to everything else all around this small feeling in the middle.

It goes ‘round and ‘round.