Approaching Awakening

[Bluejay]

When I ignored the thought or it subsided, there was nothing again. I felt my eyes getting tired at times so I would relax my eyes and my brain which was feeling a little strained, because I thought I was trying to look too hard.

Relax eyes, because you're not looking with your eyes. When you notice strain, remind everything to relax, like watching the sunset or something similar.

The only expectation that I had was a sense of no thought that I experienced years ago in my first 10-day vipassana retreat. It only lasted a short while until I had the thought that I hadn't had a thought in a while. I remember the calm, peaceful clarity of that experience.

Thoughts aren't going away so you can put that expectation to rest :)

Only thing going away is the belief that there is a doer, thinker, decider, and so on.

I did meditation #7 again before I went to yoga. I couldn't find a sense of self, the ‘I’ that seemed to be aware of everything in the head, which is where other thoughts seem to be. I couldn't find it anywhere. Then, during yoga, I was still looking for the self and, during a thought, ‘Who is noticing this other thought…’, a sensation in my leg appeared. I thought it was odd that I could notice that sensation at the same time that I was noticing a thought but maybe it didn't happen exactly at the same time. I had the thought, which I think I mentioned before, that maybe the awareness is in the sensations and in the thoughts themselves.

Yes, and what is separating awareness and sensation or thought? Are they really separate?

Here's an exercise to try:

Close your eyes. Hold your hands to your sides. Become aware of your right thumb. Now become aware of your left thumb.

Finally, become aware of both thumbs at the same time, while holding your hands to each side (not close to each other). Can you be aware of both at the same time?

[Kaki]

what is separating awareness and sensation or thought? Are they really separate?

I can't I can't find any separation so maybe awareness is an attribute of sensations and thoughts, part of the whole.

Finally, become aware of both thumbs at the same time, while holding your hands to each side (not close to each other). Can you be aware of both at the same time?

No, I don't think so. It seems like I can be aware of them both at the same time but, when I get very quiet, I can actually see the attention going back and forth rapidly between the two.

About expectations, if we are not to expect anything from awakening, how does a person know when they've had an awakening?

[Bluejay]

I can't I can't find any separation so maybe awareness is an attribute of sensations and thoughts, part of the whole.

This is getting nit-picky, but to say that it is an attribute is already slicing the pizza into parts, when the pizza is already what it is, if that makes sense? :)

No, I don't think so. It seems like I can be aware of them both at the same time but, when I get very quiet, I can actually see the attention going back and forth rapidly between the two.

Nicely observed!

This is how many illusions are created. There is a rapid movement of attention that creates the illusion of solidity and something watching something else, when it is just sensations labeled as something.

About expectations, if we are not to expect anything from awakening, how does a person know when they've had an awakening?

There is a shift in perspective. And it becomes clear that there never was a self that was doing, thinking, deciding, and controlling life.

Expectations in this context would be more along the lines of expecting to always feel good, to have a big bang moment of awakening, to be impervious to hurt, and so on.

Usually these expectations are tied to our past. Meaning, what we don't want in life gets projected into awakening as something that will save us from that.

[Kaki]

Hi. I thought it was time to check in. 😁 I hope it's all right that I don't feel the need to check in as often as I used to. It seems like this time of relaxed looking is something I just need to practice and become familiar with.

I've been doing some glimpse practices to help me relax into the awareness that is everywhere. I know that there is no Me that is the doer/controller and I'm looking for what I actually am. I do have a sense that there is an awareness that is everywhere - in sensations, in thoughts, in space. I feel that this is the place where all things come: my body, the sensations, thoughts, and it can hold everything at the same time. ‘Hold’ might not be the best word but I feel like I can rest in it, it supports me and everything is okay. Even when thoughts come up, I don't feel like I leave this space.

These are the moments when I feel connected to this space. I play with becoming aware of this awareness when I'm out and about as well as when I'm sitting. I know it's always here and I'm becoming more aware of when I start getting lost in thought and then return to this space.

It is interesting that, while I have moments when I happily sit and practice this, I also have times when I get super distracted and do not sit at all even though I told myself I was going to do this. At these times I see myself having judgment thoughts about myself, feeling guilty, but I'm letting go of them more easily. I get the same thoughts when I think that I should check in with you and then I don't. I find that they don't bother me as much as they used to. It is what it is. As a matter of fact, it seems like the distractions are almost a needed rest period.

So, this is what I've been doing. I feel like I'm on the right track and don't have any questions for you now but, of course, any guidance or pointers are welcome. One that's really been helpful is your comment about looking easily, as one would look at a sunset.

[Bluejay]

I hope it's all right that I don't feel the need to check in as often as I used to. It seems like this time of relaxed looking is something I just need to practice and become familiar with.

That's perfect. I'll be here for when you need me to point out things or suggest alternative approaches, if they are needed.

It is interesting that, while I have moments when I happily sit and practice this, I also have times when I get super distracted and do not sit at all even though I told myself I was going to do this. At these times I see myself having judgment thoughts about myself, feeling guilty, but I'm letting go of them more easily. I get the same thoughts when I think that I should check in with you and then I don't. I find that they don't bother me as much as they used to. It is what it is. As a matter of fact, it seems like the distractions are almost a needed rest period.

Great insight. Distractions are simply a part of the flow, but thoughts label them as unwanted. Even in distraction, nothing has changed. If you want to use the word awareness, it is still there. Or even in distraction, the 'inherent self' hasn't returned, because it was never there in the first place.

So, this is what I've been doing. I feel like I'm on the right track and don't have any questions for you now but, of course, any guidance or pointers are welcome. One that's really been helpful is your comment about looking easily, as one would look at a sunset.

Yes, stay relaxed and curious.

I don't have any specific pointers. It sounds like you're doing great. I would only encourage you to keep following your interest and intuition.

Have fun with this :)

[Kaki]

Thanks. I am having fun and is quite exciting. 😁

[Bluejay]

👍 😎

Let me know how things go!

[Kaki]

Hi, Henri. It's been a while but all is well. I have gone back and forth between periods of extended inquiry practice and extended periods of total distraction, binge watching some really good shows. 😊 Some cool things have happened recently.

Troubling thoughts about a particular relationship seem to have fallen away. Once in a while an old thought will come up but I'm not hanging on to it. It's just a thought now and it's okay. I feel good about the relationship.

Seeing thoughts as just thoughts now has become the rule instead of the exception. Once in a while I still get on a thought train but it eventually stops. It seems like it's just too much work to trouble myself getting hooked on something. It's more fun being in the present.

This morning in yoga class, I was lying on the floor breathing and then I noticed the breathing of others around me. I had the realization that this is all part of me. I am everything. My eyes started watering with relief and happiness. I feel like everything is okay.

So, that's it for now. As I read through some of your older posts, I have come to really appreciate your reminders that there is no inherent ‘self’ anyway, and never was.

I hope you are doing well. If you have any advice or suggestions, I would be happy to hear them. I plan to continue letting things be as they are and inquiring into whatever I feel needs more exploration.

[Bluejay]

This all sounds wonderful. It sounds like you're letting it unfold naturally, which is really the only thing that can be done. 👍

My only suggestion would be to keep inquiring into if there is a decider/doer/thinker. If yes, where is it? What is it supposedly made of?

That is, if this way of inquiring feels alive to you.

Always follow what feels alive.

It sounds like you're doing that already, so I don't have much to add. We could end our conversation for now, and if in the future you run into trouble, you can always post here. If I'm not here, then someone else will be with you.

How does that sound?

[Kaki]

That sounds okay to me. You've guided me well. I feel in a good space and the process is unfolding as it should. It's up to me now to just keep looking.

Thanks so much for everything! Be well. 🤗

[Bluejay]

You too 😎