The Gate

Hi Anne,

Can you please write about ‘acceptance is not agreeing’? You mentioned that earlier.

Can't remember the context. Could you give me a clue. :)

I downloaded you book and will start reading it in the evening :)

Great, well you might recognise some of the things we've talked about. :)

Yes. I guess it can be distinguished to desire by checking if there are no expectations coming with it.

Usually, if it's all head, head, head, then it's stories.
If there's a warmth to it, or some flavour of excitement, like when an adventure presents :), that's good.

Yeah, loosened some more screws.

WD40 is the future. :D

So, from your experience, was ‘Anne' ever a living being that moves, speaks or thinks?

Never was, isn’t, never will be.
What remains are memories and habits and beliefs and emotions attributed to fiction ‘Anne’.

What would you say the illusion of ‘'Anne'/'me’/‘myself’ is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.


With much love,
John

Can you please write about ‘acceptance is not agreeing’? You mentioned that earlier.

Can't remember the context. Could you give me a clue. :)

31 of may:

It's not the me, its the unconditional accepting.
When we don't accept, we resist.
We resist, we avoid.
It persists. No learning. Status quo.

Unconditional accepting is not unconditional agreeing!
It is taking what is happening, and recognising it, accepting it as happening, rather than wishing it wasn't and rejecting it, wanting to fix it, which creates a whole perfection dynamic.

What would you say the illusion of ‘'Anne'/'me’/‘myself’ is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion is, that thought and senses and body are owned and controlled by a real blood and flesh agent.
With belief in the illusion came further beliefs like ‘control’ and ‘choice’ and ‘responsiblity’.
With belief in these concepts came emotions like fear and guilt and shame.
With that comes need of protection and anger etc.
The illusion starts by being given a name and taught the belief of being an entity. This is enforced and kept in place by society and language: I read a book. / He is smart. / She is angry.

Perceptions are formed and things that are experience are filtered and judged and memorized.
Anne is a fiction that keeps growing and growing.
Through the illusion of contol and protection we feel fear, we do not want to let go of the concept ‘me’.

Example:
Neighbour asks me politely to do something.
Thoughts come up: ‘i did something wrong’ , ‘several ppl had inconvenience bc of me’.
A feeling of shame arises, bc a belief of ‘do not cause harm to others’ exists.
There is fear of negative consequences.
Shame and fear are experienced as uncomfortable.
Thoughts arise to stop uncomfortable feelings: ‘Why didn’t they say s.th. earlier?’ , ‘I did not know that there would be problems.’

All this arising of thought and feeling and emotion feels like there is a real Anne.

I reality there is no ‘i’ that did something wrong.

Thanks for the clue. :)


Looking back it was about...

What confused me is this unconditional accepting of me. This was meant to be Anne, right? Why build up something that is not real?

An unconditional accepting is the open acceptance that yes, I have been, and am, living my life as 'Anne', a completely made-up social persona.

This acceptance is not agreement with, or to 'build up' 'Anne', it's acceptance as a recognition - as in, this is happening, right now. I may not like it, I may be sad about it, but once seen, I can't deny it. Well, I can (and some do) but that's not a great idea.

You could say, 'Anne' is real as a fiction. Along with Piglet, WOL, and the Heffalumps.

Ok, following on our questions:

How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

Much love,
John

This acceptance is not agreement with, or to 'build up' 'Anne', it's acceptance as a recognition -

Ok. Thanks for clarifying.

How does it feel to see this?

Good.
Recently i thought how much time was wasted with worrying and thinking, bc i believed thinking solved problems.
Anne loved to be ‘prepared’ ->

(I already peeked into your book :)
There’s a bird. :D

Haha.
Love this:
“I dont understand.”
“Good, get used to it.”

and this:
Best way to track ‘me’ is to paint it with gold.

What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.

I go to bed earlier and stand up earlier and take long walks. The need to avoid thought by reading, browsing internet and eating lessened a great deal.

Before i started the dialoge i was lost and identified with Anne. I was worried that i was deluding myself and that i should do s.th. (what exactly i did not know). I was waiting for inspiration.

Before i was worried about environment and politics and future (due to too much reading news and watching youtube videos).

Now i am still lost :) but i am ok with that.
There is a feeling of curious anticipation.

I notice often when i start to build a new story or believe in an old one or when i have expectations.
I learned not to look outside but to focus on me.


Well, i dont know if this got anything to do with it… (i dont want to build new stories. But in your book you write about patterns...) :

The lady who rules over the watering can didnt stay on the camping ground in the last three days. Before that she was almost constantly there.

Hug Anne

How does it feel to see this?

Good.
Recently i thought how much time was wasted with worrying and thinking, bc i believed thinking solved problems.
Anne loved to be ‘prepared’ ->

Cool.

(I already peeked into your book :)
There’s a bird. :D

Well, Newcastle F.C. are the magpies. :D

Haha.
Love this:
“I dont understand.”
“Good, get used to it.”

Hmmm, he takes no prisoners that faun. :)

What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.

I go to bed earlier and stand up earlier and take long walks. The need to avoid thought by reading, browsing internet and eating lessened a great deal.

Before i started the dialoge i was lost and identified with Anne. I was worried that i was deluding myself and that i should do s.th. (what exactly i did not know). I was waiting for inspiration.

Before i was worried about environment and politics and future (due to too much reading news and watching youtube videos).

Now i am still lost :) but i am ok with that.
There is a feeling of curious anticipation.

I notice often when i start to build a new story or believe in an old one or when i have expectations.
I learned not to look outside but to focus on me.


Well, i dont know if this got anything to do with it… (i dont want to build new stories. But in your book you write about patterns...) :

The lady who rules over the watering can didnt stay on the camping ground in the last three days. Before that she was almost constantly there.

Good.

Next question, just respond as it comes up:

- What was key in seeing this?

Much love,
John

Well, Newcastle F.C. are the magpies. :D

Really?
Why?
Are they chatting more than practicing defense? :))

What was key in seeing this?

Besides your guiding?
I dont know.

I could speculate.
Do you want me to?

Love Anne

Are they chatting more than practicing defense? :))

Sorry, no disrespect! I dont have a clue of football. Just kicking back your passes.

what was key in seeing this?

I am not sure if you want me to describe the exact moment.
There was none.
In a broader sense seeing came after studying emotion and thought and senses
and by looking again and again at 'Anne' and realizing its a fiction intellectually,
it slowly turned into knowing.

what was key in seeing this?

I am not sure if you want me to describe the exact moment.
There was none.
In a broader sense seeing came after studying emotion and thought and senses
and by looking again and again at 'Anne' and realizing its a fiction intellectually,
it slowly turned into knowing.

That's fine.

- Does ‘Anne’ make things happen?
- Is ‘Anne’ in control of anything? How does it work?
- What is ‘Anne’ responsible for?
- Any examples from experience would be good too.

Much love,
John

Hi John,

Does ‘Anne’ make things happen?
- Is ‘Anne’ in control of anything? How does it work?
- What is ‘Anne’ responsible for?
- Any examples from experience would be good too.

Anne is fiction and can do nothing.

How do things happen?
I can not see how things happen but they do. Thoughts arise, sensations are felt. A controller of that can not be seen.
Without an agent there is no control and no responsibility.

As a fiction Anne consists of thoughts, feelings and body.
When a thought is observed or the body moves or there is a feeling, this is attriuted to Anne.
Anne thinks / Anne walks / Anne feels sad.

..

In the evening i talked to the husband of the watering can lady. He was filling the can and asked me if i needed it, he would be done in a minute.
I said, that i hadnt seen them for three days.
He told me that his wife had chemo again and wasnt feeling that well.

When i was back at my place i cried very hard. When i didnt see their car in the morning i relaxed bc i knew i would not be bothered by her.
Comparing now my relief with her suffering made me feel real bad.
I’d rather have her around and pester me than her having chemo.
And by thinking, her leaving had s.th. to do with my seeing, i painted my ego golden myself.

It took a while to focus on me and see all the thoughts and beliefs.

She might be angry bc i seem to be wasting my life and health, while she is sick.
Anger might keep her distracted from her fear.
Thinking how big her fear might be, makes me sad.

Anyway, i dont want to analyze her. (focus on me)

I am not afraid of dying (if its quick without suffering.).
I dont know what comes after that, just nothing ot being reborn as a tree.
Although having to stand in one place as a tree all the time could be …. odd.

It feels egoistic to focus on me, while the lady is the one who is sick.
Feeling anger or shame or judging, it was easier to focus on me.

What i feel at the moment is a mixture of regret and sadness.
Regret only can come with choice and control.
Sadness is there bc i think that nobody should suffer. (not realistic)

What can i learn?
I dont know, i dont want to interpret too much.
Maybe i can recognize that i learned the belief that death and sickness are sad. And death is the end.
There is no problem now in this moment. Only in thought. And life should be celebrated.

I dont remember if i posted it or only wrote it down for me. I see a lot of her in myself. She seems to like control. I hate being controlled.
She is very perfectionistic. I was that too in my job (fear of making mistakes and wanting approval).
Fighting about being right (both of us).


And i remember my grandma suffering when she was old and me not being able to do s.th. about it.
I think this is the source of sadness!!
There are lots of memories about her. She was always so sweet and kind and worked so hard. I think i was not able to give her back enough love.
Judging my grandma and my mother being vulnerable through loveing and kindness (they got hurt a lot), influenced me a great deal concerning relationships.
And at the same time they wanted me to be nice and ‘easy’ like them, when i was growing up, and i hated that.

Whew. That was intense but i was able to dig it out. And crying stopped.
These are memories belonging to fiction of Anne. They where saved under a certain perception. And a lot of emotions come with them.
Probably bc the things were experienced in youth with a lot of emotion.
I can see now this contradicting stories that create pressure: frustration and guilt and love concerning my mother and grandma.

Love Anne

Hi Anne,

Does ‘Anne’ make things happen?
- Is ‘Anne’ in control of anything? How does it work?
- What is ‘Anne’ responsible for?
- Any examples from experience would be good too.

Anne is fiction and can do nothing.

How do things happen?
I can not see how things happen but they do. Thoughts arise, sensations are felt. A controller of that can not be seen.
Without an agent there is no control and no responsibility.

As a fiction Anne consists of thoughts, feelings and body.
When a thought is observed or the body moves or there is a feeling, this is attriuted to Anne.
Anne thinks / Anne walks / Anne feels sad.

..

In the evening i talked to the husband of the watering can lady. He was filling the can and asked me if i needed it, he would be done in a minute.
I said, that i hadnt seen them for three days.
He told me that his wife had chemo again and wasnt feeling that well.

When i was back at my place i cried very hard. When i didnt see their car in the morning i relaxed bc i knew i would not be bothered by her.
Comparing now my relief with her suffering made me feel real bad.
I’d rather have her around and pester me than her having chemo.
And by thinking, her leaving had s.th. to do with my seeing, i painted my ego golden myself.

It took a while to focus on me and see all the thoughts and beliefs.

She might be angry bc i seem to be wasting my life and health, while she is sick.
Anger might keep her distracted from her fear.
Thinking how big her fear might be, makes me sad.

Anyway, i dont want to analyze her. (focus on me)

I am not afraid of dying (if its quick without suffering.).
I dont know what comes after that, just nothing ot being reborn as a tree.
Although having to stand in one place as a tree all the time could be …. odd.

It feels egoistic to focus on me, while the lady is the one who is sick.
Feeling anger or shame or judging, it was easier to focus on me.

What i feel at the moment is a mixture of regret and sadness.
Regret only can come with choice and control.
Sadness is there bc i think that nobody should suffer. (not realistic)

What can i learn?
I dont know, i dont want to interpret too much.
Maybe i can recognize that i learned the belief that death and sickness are sad. And death is the end.
There is no problem now in this moment. Only in thought. And life should be celebrated.

I dont remember if i posted it or only wrote it down for me. I see a lot of her in myself. She seems to like control. I hate being controlled.
She is very perfectionistic. I was that too in my job (fear of making mistakes and wanting approval).
Fighting about being right (both of us).

And i remember my grandma suffering when she was old and me not being able to do s.th. about it.
I think this is the source of sadness!!
There are lots of memories about her. She was always so sweet and kind and worked so hard. I think i was not able to give her back enough love.
Judging my grandma and my mother being vulnerable through loveing and kindness (they got hurt a lot), influenced me a great deal concerning relationships.
And at the same time they wanted me to be nice and ‘easy’ like them, when i was growing up, and i hated that.

Whew. That was intense but i was able to dig it out. And crying stopped.
These are memories belonging to fiction of Anne. They where saved under a certain perception. And a lot of emotions come with them.
Probably bc the things were experienced in youth with a lot of emotion.
I can see now this contradicting stories that create pressure: frustration and guilt and love concerning my mother and grandma.

Great to bring this to the surface and shed some light on it.


Can you say with a big resounding whole-hearted 'YES' that you have seen 'Anne' to be a fiction?

With much love,
John

Hi John,

YES Anne is fiction.

Hug Anne

You wrote recently about thoughts orbiting around space.
I seems like asteroids are coming closer and closer to stirr up the ‘me’.
Being aware that there is nothing that can be hit - i can watch the show.

I love your book! Hard to put it down bc i wanted to know what was going to happen.
There were some funny coincidences: poop and a little digger :))

I haven’t mastered yet scraping sound. But how about imagining your life to be a french movie and not knowing the names of things (i don’t speak french)?

Have you thought about having your book translated?

Love Anne

Hi Anne,

You wrote recently about thoughts orbiting around space.
I seems like asteroids are coming closer and closer to stirr up the ‘me’.
Being aware that there is nothing that can be hit - i can watch the show.

:)

I love your book! Hard to put it down bc i wanted to know what was going to happen.
There were some funny coincidences: poop and a little digger :))

That's very kind of you. All Amazon reviews are welcome. :D

I haven’t mastered yet scraping sound. But how about imagining your life to be a french movie and not knowing the names of things (i don’t speak french)?

Have you thought about having your book translated?

It needs jolly good re-rewrite. :)

Now, when you came here, you wrote:

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
Self is an illusion built by thoughts, sensations, a name, a body and emotions.

What are you looking for at LU?
I'd like to be guided after the gate, please. I realized, that self is an illusion, that thoughts and emotions come and go, that they are not me... Family members are worried and think I have a depression.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I' d like to talk to somebody more experienced. Maybe I am not ok and I should do something? Besides of my families worries, I am content, most of the time. Sometimes there is fear (am i wasting my life? Am i hiding and using noself as excuse?) Sometimes there are intense emotions like anger or sadness. Rarely happyness. No motivation to do anything bc everything ist empty and non permanent. :-)

Reflecting back on this part of the journey since that post, what are the most noticeable differences for you?

Much love,
John

Hi John,

I send you a PM.

Will answer tmrrw
:)

Hug Anne