The Gate

I want to ask..Please be as brutal as possible but its here there needs to be that to look but its nit happening..like a constant distraction. Why qhen it woukd b a relief..to still not look or why when seeing is it back to thoughts..like identity feels too strong or that it cant b true that theres not this identity. I wish it was over with n life just b without seeking shit going on but half arsed looking. Whats the point. Ty for everythin ilona..here its a lack of really looking and wasting your time and seeing doesnt last..becomes anothwr experience again to b thpught about and added to the rest x

What's the point?
Freedom.

When you know where to look, it becomes a tool. Looking applied cuts through illusions. No one said it's the end. It's the beginning.

What is seeking happening to? What is that is looking for resolution?

What comes up when you ask this?

What is seeking happening to? What is that is looking for resolution?

What comes up when you ask this?

What is seeking happening to? ..what is that is looking for resolution...there's like a blankness or disinterest or feeling of hopelessness in trying to answer the questions, like a lack of looking in order to answer. It feels like seeking is happening to me, like I have to find out how to look and then I can apply the tool and cut through illusions, and I want to know what the tool is and how to look, so that I can look. I want to look so I can find..what do I want to find...I want to find home. The place where anything can happen and I am unaffected, what does unaffected look like to me..like being untouched..hmm I don't even know. Just to know that no matter what happens its not real and what is real is home and untouchable by what happens in life, but also a naïve expectation that I wont be touched as in, nothing will change or happen anymore maybe, and a longing inside when things change and threaten me, seeking is happening to a contracted energy, it's theme is all about being threatened and trying to avoid potential attack in some form, any form, everything about it is about defending and protecting any threats....threats for who?
*It feels like potential threats to me, looking. What is here...not looking for a me, looking at what's here...if attention is with whats here only, for a moment, whats here-without labels is not describable, described, there's colours and sounds and shapes and light and a relaxedness and awareness or knowingness of room,theres labels like soft breathing, clenched jaw, stretched legs but they are imaginings, as in I cant see a clenched jaw but the knowingness knows them and they are experienced as energy or sensation, like a cloud in the space of me, it feels like space and knowing of the relaxedness of the body and the room and the birds, like its all some how happening in relaxedness. If the view was like a movie then is there a projector, or tripod of a me stood behind the lens somewhere? Where is this me that is threatened by everything and seeks to find security? *
being with whats here now, theres no object that's a me, the view is the room and colours and sounds but theres no object in it that's a me, that's separate with defined edges in the view, the body and typing hands are within the view, like in a tapestry or movie, cant take them out of the view..it feels like the view which includes the body drinking strawberry tea is in front somehow but in front of what...there isn't a behind as far as I can tell, for an in front to be. Maybe it feels in front of this sense of defence, but the view hasn't got any clutter in it, that feeling of threat is more like an energy, cant be found in the view but is known by the space of the view, sky-like space that has sensations of legs and labels to say legs and thoughts and feelings coming and going within it. The thoughts and feelings feel like me but there isn't an object that is me, and the thoughts and feelings are always changing or sometimes arent there at all, so where is me, not a form, though it feels like I am an energy, a contracted sense or a freer sense, all the different ways it feels to be a me, but they don't last and always change and some times they are not here at all, whats always here, what hasn't changed this whole time...the sky-like space that knows the barking dog label and sound and also knows no differentiation of sound and label and dog. While the seeking goes on and comes and goes, the space is like the sky all this comes in.

But then theres claiming that I am the space, which again equates to me, as in its my space and these are my feelings and thoughts and I have to try and find out that I am the space, somehow. Sky doesn't have a name though and it isn't owned by some one who is sky-like..getting too intellectual again with it.
*
*If I didn't know anything and only had my own experience to rely on, LOOK
*
*stretching and yawning just happened and a sense that I am stretching and yawning followed it, first the act spontaneously occurred and then while it was occurring a label came up with an image of some one stretching, from another angle of the bedroom, where a body with torso that I cant see right now, can be seen.Yawning and eyes closed and hands rubbing eyes was happening again,spontaneously, automatically and then label came again and went oh, im yawning again..the yawn action happened without a me, the body just did it, the sky went dark cos the eyes were closed, there was sensation of the rubbing of eyes, with images of hands rubbing eyes and label of me rubbing, back in a sec gotta let the chucks out X x And ps, thank you Ilona, when I read your message last night it was like pure love, you are pure love, this could never be done, this website, from anything other drive, thank you very much pure love X

body moves spontaneously, drinking, eating, typing and swallowing, all without a me, then a me is also spontaneously added somewhere after the spontaneous actions automatically happen. Fingers automatically roll a cigarette, sound of the tobacco sprinkling into the paper is automatically registering. Hand rests on chin automatically, sniffing happens and swallowing and more typing. Knowing of energy sensation, label comes saying I have a slight headache, theres pain in my head. Drinking tea happened and the fingers closed the lid of the cup and fluidly flowed back to typing..

Good work. You see what is happening in the moment. Now look at what is looking. What is that knows of appearances?

What comes up?

Now look at what is looking. What is that knows of appearances?

What comes up?

Thank you Ilona. What comes up. When you said now look at what's looking, there was resistance, or a feeling of it not being possible or if its possible its something that's behind the scene and my eye balls have tried looking there, in a physical sense and not found anything. Okay, now look at what is looking.. thought saying it cant be looked at, but that's intellectual looking, okay, looking..

attention keeps flitting to objects in the room, looking ahead rather than looking at what is looking, used douglas hardings finger pointing back at no face and eyes are closed, theres sensation, energy, like a vibrational buzzing energy that is like a field of liveliness, like pins and needles kind of. That seems to be as far backwards as can go, everything becomes a kind of vibrational hum as in, sensations and a skin line has no edge to it, its just like a field of energy or a river or sea or frequency, bodies relaxed and breathing softly is happening, typing happening, relaxing clenched jaw happening as clenched jaw registered, that feels like energy too, the registering of something in the field or space, but theres not a omg there really is no one here moment, its like that then becomes my new description of myself but that of course comes after the fact. Falling asleep is starting to happen, I would rather not sleep but the eyes are closing any way, without me controlling that. Night night and thanks again, Bella

Hi bella.
Let's get to the bottom of this.

Thank you Ilona. What comes up. When you said now look at what's looking, there was resistance, or a feeling of it not being possible or if its possible its something that's behind the scene and my eye balls have tried looking there, in a physical sense and not found anything. Okay, now look at what is looking.. thought saying it cant be looked at, but that's intellectual looking, okay, looking..

There is resistance. Let's look closer, what is it protecting? What is there that resistance is saying no to? Thought saying it can't be looked = resistance. So examine it closely and write what you notice.

There is resistance. Let's look closer, what is it protecting? What is there that resistance is saying no to? Thought saying it can't be looked = resistance. So examine it closely and write what you notice.

Thank you Ilona. Okay, whats there that resistance is saying no to..thought saying it cant be looked=-resistance. Going back to the question you asked to see what resistance comes up..

Now look at what is looking. What is that knows of appearances?

What comes up?

Now look at what is looking...looking...aware of birds chirping, stuff in the room etc, now looking at whats looking if its possible....that's the thought coming again to say, no point, already looked there...okay looking...eyes are rolling round trying to look physically again, or behind but simply, in direct experience, come on, this must be so simple if its right here, look at what is looking....its nothing my eyes can do..theres the obvious hair and arms and body and room, colours if not described, light, chest moving in and out, sound of breathing, sense of breathing, but they are in the scene rather than what's looking at those things in the view.. theres something here that is clearness or undifferentiated, it seems, like when looking happens, its like a flash or glimpse of something stable that then becomes conceptual, extremely brief and little attention to stay with looking. OK LOOKING...look at what is looking..can I just say, what keeps coming up is a past experience of suddenly being aware of looking from
like a step back or something, like behind the movie set or something, impossible to convey like that, when it was noticed, for a flash it was like being at home, completely safe, untouched by the movie at all, there was no location, no person behind the scene, no behind either, more like the picture rather than the 3d world with some one in it who has a life and its mine,,etc. it happened by itself and the body was relaxing at the time, there was a thought that this could never not be seen, any time and that it was ok to leave it because I could easily find it again by relaxing, so thought wanted to say wow about it and play with the concepts of it and leave it and do its thing, but it said its okay because its always available..but next time trying to access it was not possible, the relaxation couldn't be done from trying to get there, it had done itself as the body had naturally relaxed, or it seemed that way. So intellectually theres ideas about it, and looking freshly seems difficult...theres that as resistance..and like a busy thought stream that seems to keep the focus on thinking rather than on looking...

Fell asleep again trying to look. Like the body relaxes and then its morning. It must be the same view out at all times, relaxed body or not though. The resistance seems to be past knowledge covering the freshness to looking

There was maybe a little resistance coming up, that if its seen properly, what if the physical heart cant handle the shock of it, so a bit of fear for the body, but that was small amount compared to what I think I know about the looking and what its like there x

maybe a bit of resistance comes up like what if there's an inability to be in the world, as in, look after family, like what if its a deep peace that brings deep rest or relief, maybe the body would sit there dribbling and non-communicating after seeing it properly or something and family would wonder what was wrong or something, but that doesn't seem as big as the idea that I have already looked and cant look now, or cant find a way to look...at the same time, there is just a view of hair and body and world with no face, like Douglas' Harding's pointing but that's like, so what, its not profoundly seen that because there's no face there's no me..me in any form even energy, still feels like enough me to feel like its really me, sorry for the confused ramblings. How can looking happen with directness and freshness. Distraction seems to be the biggest resistance, either by knowledge or some other random thought. Many thanks for your time. Love Bella x

Hi Ilona, Seen more resistance today to do with resisting being how it feels natural to be, and the wanting to please others. Funny because the past rarely comes up as a picture to dwell in, its more like theres no past, just these feelings that arise, some say guilt and feel very trembly and like if I am doing what someone else wants, instead of what feels best to do here, naturally, theres this big guilt wave that comes up, but I cant find a me in there just feelings and thoughts. Cant find a past so often either, mourning my mothers passing was so brief and now its like a dream and I look at how others are bereaved and wanting to get mediums and messages and revisit what was before but that seems to have disappeared, the before, now it just seems to be about whats here now, today, no day ahead and no day before, theres just these thoughts and feelings arising as if they accompanied an old memoir of flashback but the video isn't there, just the sensations and thoughts that say...I am so shit, selfish, and not giving enough to people, I should say yes when I want to say no, etc, and feeling bad for wanting to still say no, rather than always agreeing. Being myself as in the natural preferences that arise here already, would mean not playing the roles with people that were played from guilt and fear, I hope it makes sense x

just reading what was put in last message brings up an awfulness for sharing that grieving isn't happening, cos that's so bad and like there should be more guilt, that's what it seems like people are often doing when grieving and when the guilt does come, it doesn't last very long, while gardening, gardening carries on or cooking, and then some are more intense and it seems as though it solidifies for a few minutes, then it changes again, onto something else, theres a lot of guilt, sticky guilt about letting people down. If looking was clear, what if this life flow didn't want to say yes to other peoples requests or ways of behaving? Lots of stuff comes of not being liked..I couldn't share that grieving isn't happening that would be considered selfish or cold or maybe in denial or avoidance of really feeling it fully, though it seemed like that already happened and then it blew away, just it feels like not being conventional behaviour, hoping for some outcome some time in the future