The Gate

Hi Rowena,

A sudden realisation came to me whilst I was working this morning. I usually have my phone on me and I will listen to podcasts or videos but today I didn't. Loud thoughts popped up saying that I'm actually quite bored and this thought kept coming up along with a feeling of being cooped up. I had a strong urge to distract myself from this feeling but resisted.

I looked for the sensation in the body but couldn't find anything. I kept looking and a sudden wave of sadness came over me as a tightening in the chest and throat. I realised that it isn't that I am worried I will let people down, it is that if I give up it will show others that I have failed.

This also linked to other feelings I have been having recently of wanting my equipment to breakdown and doing nothing about it to prevent it because then I would have a reason that wasn't just about me not wanting to do it anymore.

It seems there is more to uncover!

Warm wishes,
Ellie

Hi Ellie,

That is a really great inquiry - you are really creating a safe space for all the dormant feelings to arise.
This is powerful healing work you are doing!

It is all happening as it needs to. Sensations arising, thoughts arising, more sensations arising....... <3

Keep posting!

Warm regards,
Rowena

Hi Rowena,

Thank you for your guidance!

More feelings arising of a want for change but hard to locate the sensation. Is it a true, natural flow of the body or just the old programme running? There was a feeling of hope that when the self was seen through that there would be more clarity but now there is just confusion and unmet expectations. Again, where this is felt I'm not sure. Do "I" just do nothing or should "I" be planning for the future?!

Warm wishes,
Ellie

Hi Ellie,

More feelings arising of a want for change but hard to locate the sensation. Is it a true, natural flow of the body or just the old programme running? There was a feeling of hope that when the self was seen through that there would be more clarity but now there is just confusion and unmet expectations. Again, where this is felt I'm not sure. Do "I" just do nothing or should "I" be planning for the future?!

I do get you, but it is like this, life is a constant flow of movement, (appearances and thoughts about the appearances which are appearances themselves.) As you inquire and bring your attention back to your direct experience you will find that you are able to become less identified with mental activity and self-ruminating, you will develop a stronger ability to allow thoughts to appear and disappear as a part of the natural flow of activity without hooks.

Remember it is not thoughts that are the problem, it is attachment to thoughts, and this will continue to happen even when the self-illusion is busted! It is conditioning and habit but slowly there will be a re-conditioning. You only need to look back to the beginning of our conversation together to know that this is true! (Relatively of course!!)

If planning needs to happen, then it will happen, so will thought's about planning happen, which is not really planning is it!
My take: planning happens in spite of thoughts about planning..... intentions are set....decisions get made.... exactly when is unclear, unplanned for, simply happening!! The key for you is to watch the flow of thoughts and when they seem to be looping, to stop and place your attention back into your direct experience. This, here, now! Each time you turn your attention away from looping thoughts back to your direct experience, including what is going on in the body in the way of sensations and feelings, you are allowing 'stuck' energy to flow through.

I hope this is helpful,

Warm wishes,

Rowena

Hi Rowena,

It has been a busy few days and am now on holiday in Normandy with a large group of friends which is proving rather challenging. It seems there is lots more stuff coming up! I have been rather reactive these last few days and "trying" to see that it is just energy coming and going but it is hard not to grasp onto it sometimes.

You only need to look back to the beginning of our conversation together to know that this is true! (Relatively of course!!)

I went back and had a read of some of the exercises we did early on and see how things have changed. I am noticing thoughts coming up and body sensations related to these much more readily than I did at the beginning.

My take: planning happens in spite of thoughts about planning..... intentions are set....decisions get made.... exactly when is unclear, unplanned for, simply happening!! The key for you is to watch the flow of thoughts and when they seem to be looping, to stop and place your attention back into your direct experience. This, here, now! Each time you turn your attention away from looping thoughts back to your direct experience, including what is going on in the body in the way of sensations and feelings, you are allowing 'stuck' energy to flow through.

Yes, I totally see this but it seems there is a lot of stuck energy that it is difficult to let go of!

Warm wishes,
Ellie

Hello Ellie,

It seems there is lots more stuff coming up! I have been rather reactive these last few days and "trying" to see that it is just energy coming and going but it is hard not to grasp onto it sometimes.

It is ok to be reactive, it is just what is arising, and grasping will happen. Resistance to grasping is not allowing 'life' to be as it is. The selfing mechanism continues, and beliefs that it should be otherwise will also continue to arise. Ask yourself: "Is it true that things should be the way that "I" want them to be?"

I went back and had a read of some of the exercises we did early on and see how things have changed. I am noticing thoughts coming up and body sensations related to these much more readily than I did at the beginning.

That's it, all the selfing patterns, thoughts and sensations come up and are 'seen' and felt much more readily.

Yes, I totally see this but it seems there is a lot of stuck energy that it is difficult to let go of!

That it is difficult to let go of is pointing to resistance again. Unrealistic expectations. And....it is just a thought. Thoughts arise together with sensations and they can either be welcomed or not. That is the choice. There are no short cuts Ellie, it is not for the faint-hearted, relatively speaking.

My suggestion for self-regulation would be to work with your breath together with the visual field, for a few moments at a time. It takes the attention away from the intensity of identifying with thoughts and sensations and allows the emotional 'wave' to recede.

Simply take a moment to look around you and take in the visual field (the world around you).
Ask yourself: "What do I see in front of my face", notice any thoughts/labels, and then ask again "What do I see in front of my face when there are no labels?" Let go of all the labels and keep looking out at the visual field while paying attention to your breath at the same time. This is a great reset.

Enjoy your holiday in Normandy.

Warm regards,
Rowena

Hi Rowena,

It is ok to be reactive, it is just what is arising, and grasping will happen. Resistance to grasping is not allowing 'life' to be as it is.

Oh my goodness, how have I not seen this before? I have been spending so much time trying to be with the direct experience I hadn't realised I am resisting the grasping. I have been so desperate to go with the flow but hadn't seen that grapsing and resisting is also part of life and I have to let that flow too. A sudden wave of sadness arose and instead of thinking I am sad again I just looked at what was in my visual field and breathed into the sadness and after a time it just melted away. I know you have said this a hundred times but it some how hit me this time that I hadn't really understood. And I'm sure this will pass too and other feelings will come up but that is okay too!

Thoughts arise together with sensations and they can either be welcomed or not. That is the choice. There are no short cuts Ellie, it is not for the faint-hearted, relatively speaking.

I have been looking for a short cut but see now this isn't possible. I have to let it all be, welcome all the feelings good and bad, let them come up and know that that is all okay.

Simply take a moment to look around you and take in the visual field (the world around you).
Ask yourself: "What do I see in front of my face", notice any thoughts/labels, and then ask again "What do I see in front of my face when there are no labels?"

I will keep coming back to this!

Thank you so much,
Ellie

Hello Ellie,

That’s wonderful I’m so glad. This is new conditioning and it is first of all received cognitively and then filters into a new psychosomatic understanding. You’re on your way now and more will arise that will cause a reaction and you can say « bring it on! »

Warm regards,

Rowena

Hi Rowena,

Thank you so much! I'm trying to say bring it on but finding that difficult right now.

When I was on holiday, the entire loop stopped. I was in flow—even when we nearly missed the ferry home and my husband was stressing, I could clearly see 'this is just what's happening' and I felt grounded. I completely dropped the searching and obsessing.

​The second I got back into the bakery, the physical strain hit, and the mental looping came back with a vengeance—trying to fix, control and escape. Can we look at the difference between what's actually happening in direct sensation right now versus this massive mental story trying to 'fix' my life?

I feel lost right now,
Ellie

Hi Ellie,

​The second I got back into the bakery, the physical strain hit, and the mental looping came back with a vengeance—trying to fix, control and escape.

Silence, calm, peace, equanimity, = Thoughts of "This is it! "Ive got it!"
Suffering, frustration, anxiety, insecurity, anger, doubt = "Oh no, Ive lost it!"
There is still a control mechanism running. Some kind of comparison activity between what was and what is. That things should be just so, and when they aren't then resistance arises in the form of sensations of contraction and woeful thoughts.
This desire for things to be other than they are is what perpetuates the mechanism. It runs on this backwards and forwards motion. But where is this apparent motion occurring, is it even backwards and forwards?

What is the difference in the thought "What was" to the thought "What is"?
Are they not simply thinking happening NOW with a different content and contrast of body sensations?
What power does a thought have?
What power does a body sensation have?
What bites the hook of a certain type of thought? Is there anything, or is it an overlooked habit pattern?

Can we look at the difference between what's actually happening in direct sensation right now versus this massive mental story trying to 'fix' my life?

See the mechanism at play for what it is, and yes, when it returns, it will return big!
Notice "the massive mental story" trying to "fix" your life. Can a story fix anything?
Can a thought fix anything?
Is there a 'doer' that can take action to fix something?
It is true that doing happens, decisions are made, but the "I" thought that says "I" did that is ALWAYS an afterthought isn't it?

You've just returned from your holiday to a situation that was already causing some stress before you left. It was waiting for you especially since there are clearly some decisions that need to be made, but they are perhaps not clear yet.
There are two or more points of view running that are not in harmony.

My suggestion.
Recognize the looping mechanism at play.
Find all the different points of view that are either being loudly voiced, or playing more subtly in the background.
Ask each 'part' to come forward and voice its thoughts and fears, and sense the feelings arising with each one.
Give each one a name: The rational part; the fearful part; the responsible part; the disillusioned part; the pleasing others part; the self-caring part..... Write it all down, each 'part' allowed its voice.

Look up "The Guest House" by Rumi, online.

Take time out to breathe and be with the felt sensations in the body, this is most important; you cannot ignore stress in the body, you can only meet it and greet it as you already know.

Let me know how you get on.

Warm regards,
Rowena