Step 5, doubt, and wanting to be done with this

[avare]

hey pablo, hope you've been well!

had an interesting experience for a couple of hours or so recently. not really a shift or anything of that sort, but just an observation of a body feeling that I'd noticed once or twice before in the past, just now a lot more pronounced.

I was reading like normal for the days preceding this moment (an aside, I noticed that the feelings/mood/thought patterns, were closely linked to what was going on the novel I was reading, even when I wasn't reading)

but when I woke up the side I typically use was down. i tried refreshing, waiting, but nothing worked, so suddenly I couldn't keep reading. this sudden feeling of hollowness, a loss of interest in life, and lack of purpose became really pronounced. it was quite clear that at that moment none of the goals/aspirations I kept in the back of my mind I actually didn't really want.

the feeling wasn't very negative, but it did feel unpleasant when labeled by thoughts. it was as if I was using the novel I was reading as the context of 'my life' and when that went away, there was nothing to ground it in meaning or a point.

a couple hours after while watching different videos the feeling lessened and receded to the background, and throughout that process it was interesting to notice how thoughts and actions were re-contextualizing 'my life'. but not really seeing anything worthwhile (with the previous goals and future things to look forward to, seemingly losing their luster), trying to latch onto writing and become a writer.