Step 5, doubt, and wanting to be done with this

[avare]

hey pablo, hope you've been well!

had an interesting experience for a couple of hours or so recently. not really a shift or anything of that sort, but just an observation of a body feeling that I'd noticed once or twice before in the past, just now a lot more pronounced.

I was reading like normal for the days preceding this moment (an aside, I noticed that the feelings/mood/thought patterns, were closely linked to what was going on the novel I was reading, even when I wasn't reading)

but when I woke up the side I typically use was down. i tried refreshing, waiting, but nothing worked, so suddenly I couldn't keep reading. this sudden feeling of hollowness, a loss of interest in life, and lack of purpose became really pronounced. it was quite clear that at that moment none of the goals/aspirations I kept in the back of my mind I actually didn't really want.

the feeling wasn't very negative, but it did feel unpleasant when labeled by thoughts. it was as if I was using the novel I was reading as the context of 'my life' and when that went away, there was nothing to ground it in meaning or a point.

a couple hours after while watching different videos the feeling lessened and receded to the background, and throughout that process it was interesting to notice how thoughts and actions were re-contextualizing 'my life'. but not really seeing anything worthwhile (with the previous goals and future things to look forward to, seemingly losing their luster), trying to latch onto writing and become a writer.

[bluzulu]

LUCAS, what's happening?

[avare]

hey pablo! I hope you've been well :)

i've been on and off with the relax open practice. not much has changed in terms of experience here. mostly just more of the same. honestly would say the situation from my july 4th post is still pretty accurate.

the impetus to wake up has lessened but it seems thats more to do with the relative peace and relaxation that has been the norm here bc of no responsibilities/worries being in vacation.

in terms of experience or shift in identity or relation to thought, no change.

a brief overview of the current narrative, which I feel 'stuck' in: im enjoying my time doing what i want, but not moving closer to waking up so i label it as distraction and feel a bit bad about it (some self-blame/judgement going on) but not enough to 'stop distracting myself' or change my behavior if that makes sense.

i know it is just a narrative, just thoughts, but they do seem to be true/representative unfortunately.

any advice or pointer? i feel like im just repeating myself/nothing really changed which is kinda disheartening, coupled with the drive to wake up/look at experience to dissolve these filters being less it feels like I failed.

which of course, is just another thought and judgement since there is no timeline of how this is supposed to be happening and is just expectations not meeting reality ofc.

but yeah, that is more or less the state of thoughts as of now. :p

[bluzulu]

Let's try for a Zoom in 2 weeks when I'm back in Mexico

[avare]

sure thing! let me know when is best :)

[bluzulu]

Can you do this tuesday, Aug 4, 11am, and create a zoom session that will be video recorded to review later?

[avare]

yes that time works for me if you're still available 👍🏻

[bluzulu]

great. let's make it 11:15. let me know if that doesn't work for you, but if it does you don't need to respond

[avare]

here's the link for the meeting :)
https://meet.google.com/zru-bxrz-cea

[avare]

hey pablo! just wanted to touch base and share how things are unfolding here. still lots of thinking, ruminating, etc, but there is more noticing that is happening. This past few days the intention to relax open has strengthened and so that practice has been happening more often. more 'micro' practices during the day too.

biggest change here was more of a practical one. i got a nice extension for youtube, my phone and computer, that lets me block it for a certain amount of time, which has helped a ton. no shifts or any filters dropping, but im just trusting the process and relaxing open, letting the neo cortex do its thing :p

there's been a bit of a conceptual shift in how I view awakening now, which is more of just a neuroscience process of lowering DMN activity until the brain notices that its not needed and, like you said, starts operating with the neo cortex as the default.

[avare]

hey pablo! its been a bit. i moved to south korea where i'll be staying for close to a year studying abroad. many new situations, emotional, and different happening here. relaxing open more often, dedicating time to just sit and be receptive too. noticed belatedly that when strong emotion comes up, first instinct is still to distract and conceptualize and relaxing open only happens much later.

much like i expected, being in a different, sometimes challenging environment, re-sparked my excitement/interest about waking up. so seeking has kinda of started up again. mostly thoughts come up that there is some better technique/practice than just relaxing open now, always, and then pursuing/searching for it.

well, intentions are stronger in general here about waking up/relaxing open, which is the main thing.

hope you've been well as well!

[bluzulu]

cool, Lucas. what an experience you must be having!

i see you are 15 hours ahead of me now. here it is 5:48pm wednesday aug 26 and 8:49am thursday there.

what is going on in your day-to-day awareness now, and when might be some good times to zoom again for you?

also, do you still have a copy of our last video meeting?

[avare]

what is going on in your day-to-day awareness now, and when might be some good times to zoom again for you?

nothing much has changed, except maybe the days feel longer, and resting open more often feels more peaceful. sometimes when theres emotions popping up too, it feels nice to just feel them/locate them as bodily sensations. no filters dropping yet, but im trusting the process. i ended up taking some of our conversation/your neocortex and neuroscience context and talking with ai to center myself, which has been nice too. it gave me a nice metaphor for boiling water, in that when im just relaxing open and 'nothings happening' its just like the temperature going from 25' C to 99' C, no boiling happens but the water is heating, and then suddenly the self-center is seen to not be needed.

im doing a formal sit for 30mins of relaxing open and dropping some pointers, and as many times as i can throughout the day relaxing open to experience.

whenever im taking the subway or public transportation i dont listen or do anything except feel what is happening, and recently ive enjoyed feeling the bottom of my feet and the weight of my body when walking :)

my mornings here are are pretty open, like 9-11am and also after 6pm im open too. so that would be 6-8pm and after 7am repsectively for you. weekends are free whole day pretty much.

let me know when a time works for you!

[bluzulu]

I feel very happy reading that! Thank you for explaining so well.
And I love the metaphor of boiling water, too.

How about 9am Monday, Seoul time?
if so, please send me the link

[bluzulu]

OOPS, sorry.
I meant 9am Seoul time TUESDAY, which is 6pm Monday my time (I'm on Costa Rica for a month)