Seeking guidance.

[JFK1974]

Now, go further. What happens when you don’t flinch at the urgency? Not just noticing it, but letting it do its thing without interference—without needing it to be different in any way. What happens when no position is taken? When no side is chosen?

The ebb and flow can include peace and calm, but only when there’s no demand for it to be that way. When there’s no resistance, even chaos is peaceful. Keep going.

I tried to do this all day yesterday, just “letting it do its thing.” I caught myself multiple going into the mind to reason, ruminate, rationalize. Then, pulled back, just let the sensations and thoughts be. It’s all so subtle. Razor thin and it happens so quickly and automatically- “ah sneaky.”

I see the conditioning operating its program. Often times after it starts and then- I know what’s happening. Even this morning, it started its normal- “why’d you think that?” And it started going on its seeming (now that I recognized it) checklist of faults and guilt and shaming tactics.

It’s a constant back and forth exchange. Thought, sensations, “I see that”, discomfort, it passes, repeat. I have been so hypersensitive to all of this for so long, that’s a habit and conditioning. Monitoring thoughts. Being on alert. Tiresome. Exhausting.

I feel a little less concerned right now about all of it. Not as fearful or on guard as normal. Crazy how it all developed. Years and years of it running without knowing why or what was happening. So convincing. Still enticing. Genius really. Really makes me see a higher intelligence that I wanted to believe in but never felt a strong recognition. If any of this makes sense. Rambling and kind of in awe of it all mixed in this sense vulnerability. At times, I feel like I am a blink away from losing it. This identity that has worked, struggled, achieved, and suffered. Feeling lost. Grateful but confused.

[graceabounds]

Good. You see the program running. You see the checklist, the shaming tactics, the looping thoughts. And more importantly—you see that you are not doing any of it. It just runs.

This is where the exhaustion comes from—not the thoughts themselves, but the constant effort of being on alert, monitoring, trying to stay ahead of them. The vigilance itself is the last illusion of control.

So, now what? What happens if even that drops? No more watching the mind. No more catching it. No more trying to be free of it. Just letting it be exactly as it is—without the one who manages, the one who monitors, the one who sees?

At times, I feel like I am a blink away from losing it. This identity that has worked, struggled, achieved, and suffered. Feeling lost

What is there to lose? Can an identity that was never solid actually be lost? Or does the whole thing just stop pretending to be what it never was?

Feel the gratitude, the awe, the vulnerability. But don’t get lost in them either. Keep going. Let the last pieces fall. What remains when even the watcher dissolves?

[JFK1974]

Becca, Becca, Becca,

Why went it feels I am figuring it out the mind comes rushing in to get even more challenging. Saturday and Sunday I could watch and let it be. Then, the mind body decided to get craftier with thoughts and sensations. Of course, I got swallowed up and still in its depths. Is it part of the plan. To suffer as much as possible before, letting go? It's not my doing. I know that. I have zero control of the sensations and thoughts. I see them float by but then it's like a ton of bricks thrown at me. Whoever that is.

Yes, the exhaustion lies in trying to control it. It's reactive. Even that is not me doing anything. That I see as well. I have been pondering- my constant seeking for relief is a compulsion. When I reach for a book for guidance or youtube video, I am inadvertantly keeping all of the identifying alive. Does this make sense?

What hit me yesterday morning was a blow to my identify. I see that to. Just isn't easy to dismiss.

[graceabounds]

Great, there is zero control. This is seen.

Yet who is there to have zero control?

You wrote that lots of thoughts and sensations appear. How can that lead to the conclusion that there is a "you" that is "swallowed up" in it? Tell me what "I got swallowed up" means. How is it different from thoughts and sensations just appearing and disappearing? Also, please have a look if there is anyone there to whom “the mind comes rushing in” when there is a thought that something has been figured out.

[JFK1974]

Yet who is there to have zero control?

Great question. Whatever feels the feelings or hears the thoughts. I know it’s been repeated a lot but there is suffering. Maybe an illusion or false belief in a separate self. But it certainly feels like I am a defenseless thing that is getting pelted by bee bee’s (sp.?)

You wrote that lots of thoughts and sensations appear. How can that lead to the conclusion that there is a "you" that is "swallowed up" in it? Tell me what "I got swallowed up" means. How is it different from thoughts and sensations just appearing and disappearing? Also, please have a look if there is anyone there to whom “the mind comes rushing in” when there is a thought that something has been figured out.

First, it can’t, I guess- lead to conclusion. Here’s the thing, without current evidence to the contrary, it’s tough to see that. I haven’t seen it in direct experience.

It’s not different. At its truest and simplest form, they are thoughts and sensations appearing. Just the speed, volume, and discomfort increases.

Swallowed up- consumed. All that is thought of. A constant pull to engage.


Please guide me in looking. Mind or not, the no self isn’t sitting. Which is a thought I recognize. It’s doubt.

This is what I see-

When I remember it’s the mind not me, and don’t engage and just feel, the struggle is less to a degree.

I have moments of clarity usually after quietly sitting, that it’s all happening on own. I am the observer of it. But you are saying that not me either. So, I try to “be.” Let it unfold. But again, there is- real or imagined- suffering. Suffering that has led to a relentless search for something that brings peace, calm, and relaxation in the body.

And the search, is like finding something that doesn’t exist. But I keep searching. Seemingly in control but not. At least not when it comes to what arises in the body mind.

My head is spinning:)

[graceabounds]

Swallowed up- consumed. All that is thought of. A constant pull to engage.

That’s it. That pull to engage is the illusion.

Thoughts and sensations appear. That’s undeniable. But what exactly is getting “swallowed up”? What is “engaging”? Look right now, in real time—don’t think about it, actually LOOK.

A thought appears. A sensation arises. But where is the “you” in that? Is there an actual entity being pulled in, or just a pattern of attention shifting toward whatever appears?

I know it’s been repeated a lot but there is suffering. Maybe an illusion or false belief in a separate self. But it certainly feels like I am a defenseless thing that is getting pelted by bee bee’s (sp.?)

The suffering you describe—what is it, specifically? Is it anything more than a resistance to what is already happening? When you stop resisting, even for a second, what remains?

The story of "me’ can seem to have continuity. Is it really continuous? Or are there simply isolated thoughts that never can truly touch each other, some of them claiming that there's one continuous story?

You’re looking for something that brings peace. But look closely—isn’t the search itself the agitation?

[JFK1974]

That’s it. That pull to engage is the illusion.

Thoughts and sensations appear. That’s undeniable. But what exactly is getting “swallowed up”? What is “engaging”? Look right now, in real time—don’t think about it, actually LOOK.

A thought appears. A sensation arises. But where is the “you” in that? Is there an actual entity being pulled in, or just a pattern of attention shifting toward whatever appears?

Ah, I see it a little bit. The engagement is thoughts engaging thoughts. There isn’t a me per se in the appearing thoughts/sensations. That’s not me. I see that. But, “I’ see. I observe. I watch. I can watch the entire play. Then, how is there no me? That’s the confusion or what’s seems to be getting swallowed up.

he suffering you describe—what is it, specifically? Is it anything more than a resistance to what is already happening? When you stop resisting, even for a second, what remains?

How does someone not resist. That seems futile now. That seems to happen on own. Almost when there’s a distraction or something that defers attention.

The story of "me’ can seem to have continuity. Is it really continuous? Or are there simply isolated thoughts that never can truly touch each other, some of them claiming that there's one continuous story?

You’re looking for something that brings peace. But look closely—isn’t the search itself the agitation?

The story makes sense. Thoughts strung together creating a belief of John. I need to keep investigating that.


And the agitation makes sense. I am pushing on it creating resistance. Which comes back to how to not resist. Or I guess it comes down to seeing through it.

Different note- when meditating this morning, I had a thought or epiphany (or same thing) that everything arising is trying to be seen. My pushing away is perpetuating the constant battle with certain thoughts.

But again, how not push away?

[graceabounds]

I had a thought or epiphany (or same thing) that everything arising is trying to be seen. My pushing away is perpetuating the constant battle with certain thoughts.

Yes!

And to address the how, by recognizing that there is no doer and no doing to be done. Releasing the illusion of control not just of what is arising but of what that means! Everything arising to be seen just happening. Nothing more. Can a controller of experience be found?

There isn’t a me per se in the appearing thoughts/sensations. That’s not me. I see that. But, “I’ see. I observe. I watch. I can watch the entire play. Then, how is there no me? That’s the confusion or what’s seems to be getting swallowed up.

Once it is able to be viewed at a distance so to speak, then we inqure in the same way about this ‘observer.’ That positionality comes with less identification but it is still a story.


Look right now—before thought comments on it—what is actually here? Where is the dividing line between “experience” and “experiencer”? What is making the claim that one part of experience is an entity, while everything else is just happening?

[JFK1974]

And to address the how, by recognizing that there is no doer and no doing to be done. Releasing the illusion of control not just of what is arising but of what that means! Everything arising to be seen just happening. Nothing more. Can a controller of experience be found?

I have failed at this lately. I have oscillating back and forth between, "I get this" and "Why can't I get this!"

Habits die hard. Body and mind reacts. I see the reaction being the mind reacting to the mind. I just can't shake it at times. Broken record I know.

I have been investigating the experience and experiencer. Without the mind or thoughts, its one. Just is. Recognizing that.

Once it is able to be viewed at a distance so to speak, then we inqure in the same way about this ‘observer.’ That positionality comes with less identification but it is still a story.

I had the thought the other day- is awareness another thought. Because as soon as I am aware, I begin thinking. Thinking about what was thought.

Let the pain, the resistance, the exhaustion of battling all collapse into itself. If there’s no move to get rid of any of it—what happens? What is left before a thought says what it is?

There is nothing without thinking. I know that. I've experienced it many times. Just get lost in thinking, way too much. Frustrating for sure. This mind goes and goes. Latching onto whatever brings distress.

[graceabounds]

I had the thought the other day- is awareness another thought. Because as soon as I am aware, I begin thinking. Thinking about what was thought.

I am going to share something that my own guide shared when this arose in my LU process. See how it lands for you:
https://youtu.be/7Lm3G0_4YKU?si=cGhlVX_EiY0z0ZYE

There is nothing without thinking. I know that. I've experienced it many times. Just get lost in thinking, way too much. Frustrating for sure. This mind goes and goes. Latching onto whatever brings distress.

Look now, not later—where exactly is the one who is frustrated? Is it inside the thoughts? Outside? Separate from them?

Is the entire sense of being “lost” just another thought appearing, claiming ownership of other thoughts?

What happens if you stop taking the thought “I am lost in thinking” or “I have failed at this” as reality for just a moment? Right now.

[JFK1974]

The frustration is obviously a thought. A thought of frustration from the repetitiveness of thinking. Thoughts about the sensations. Upon looking, nothing is there.

The lostness is a thoughts. The ownership is thoughts. It all is. Just don't understand why none of it sticks. I guess more.

I see it. In this moment right now everything is good.

I look forward to the video. I started a book by a guy named Ralston. It is pretty good.

[graceabounds]

The lostness is a thoughts. The ownership is thoughts. It all is. Just don't understand why none of it sticks. I guess more.

If it were easy everyone would do it. :)
It is simple though!

Upon looking, nothing is there.

Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken. This
is just like that. At some point there will be a shift to knowing that they are simply not there and never will be there. Until then, we keep looking as if they were and discovering aha they aren’t.

[JFK1974]

That analogy makes a lot of sense. It is that is not a knowing for me only an experience.

I have been looking at the story. This story of me is strong. The story of suffering. The story of the person who has to be a certain way. Viewed a certain way by others. The cause of the anxiety and obsessively thinking. The insecurity that seems to increase not decrease the farther along this path. All of it seems like its gotten worse not better. All thinking. Maybe layers have been uncovered. Maybe what i hear, "dark night of the soul." I don't know but it is exhausting. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

[graceabounds]

Yes, the story of suffering is an addiction.

There is a kind of validation seeking that comes along with that story, something wanted from others, from self… which of course does not and never did exist. A true hungry ghost. Look directly at that, the story of the payoff. The story that it all has to be for something.

[JFK1974]

Yes, the story of suffering is an addiction.

Spent last few hours each time a thought arises that is bothersome I look for the one who’s suffering. Each time I see it’s nothing.

There is a kind of validation seeking that comes along with that story, something wanted from others, from self… which of course does not and never did exist. A true hungry ghost. Look directly at that, the story of the payoff. The story that it all has to be for something.

Yes, I was recognized that for a few years- validation. I thought I saw that and move forward but I don’t think so by the nature of some of my recent thinking.

The story- bane of my existence. The pay off. Chasing after achievement, recognition, respect, blah, blah.