Approaching Awakening

[Bluejay]

Oh and if you feel like it, here's a set of meditation that might be interesting:

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/ ... drive_link

[Kaki]

Thank you for the meditations! I will definitely listen to them. It is lovely to have more time to meditate now and, for the most part, I really enjoy being in meditation. I used to meditate for at least an hour a day but that practice dropped off and distractions increased. Now I feel very motivated to be in this question as much as I can throughout the day.

[Bluejay]

Now I feel very motivated to be in this question as much as I can throughout the day.

Excellent :)

[Kaki]

Lately I've been feeling a lot of restlessness and boredom with my meditation. I've had more company for a couple of days and have used this as an excuse to meditate less but distractions seem everywhere right now. My meditations are shorter, 20 to 30 minutes, but I am still doing them every day. Also, sometimes I can't seem to decide what type of meditation to do: sense into the breath and the body vs. observe thoughts and try to get back to their source, vs. do nothing and just be. I think this mental dilemma is just another distraction

During the day, when I think of it, I look at my thoughts to see what's going on in my mind that might be affecting what I'm doing/feeling. It's really helpful and informative to see the thought narrative and to realize that some of them are things I've been thinking over and over. It seems so much of what I think is just out of habit.

Anyway, that's what's going on right now. My friends are gone now and I had a nice, hour-long guided meditation this morning.

[Bluejay]

Also, sometimes I can't seem to decide what type of meditation to do: sense into the breath and the body vs. observe thoughts and try to get back to their source, vs. do nothing and just be. I think this mental dilemma is just another distraction

Yes, could definitely be.

Also remember that this process is completely natural. The confusion, wanting do distract, not knowing what to do are all signs that things are shifting, so there's bound to be confusion.

Don't be too hard on yourself :)

During the day, when I think of it, I look at my thoughts to see what's going on in my mind that might be affecting what I'm doing/feeling. It's really helpful and informative to see the thought narrative and to realize that some of them are things I've been thinking over and over. It seems so much of what I think is just out of habit.

Anyway, that's what's going on right now. My friends are gone now and I had a nice, hour-long guided meditation this morning.

Your approach is excellent.

If you want to go more direct, then I would recommend looking during the day for the decision-maker. You could set an alarm to remind you and then to look at if there is something making decisions or if they are just happening.

Remember we did the drinks exercise on this. You can use that to look. I can post it again for you if you want to.

It's important to be precise here, so it's not a vague 'can't find anyone so let's keep going'. Instead, look at exactly what is going on.

Also, did you listen to the guided meditations I sent? Did they resonate?

[Kaki]

I listened to the first three but they did not resonate. I should give them another chance but there was something about the way the leader responded to the experiences of the participants that put me off.
Probably something to look at.

Thanks for reminding me about the glasses exercise. I think about that a lot and redo it occasionally. That, and the exercise about going shopping, helped me let go of the idea of a doer/controller. I can look at that when I'm faced with a decision and let my intuition lead me.

[Bluejay]

I listened to the first three but they did not resonate. I should give them another chance but there was something about the way the leader responded to the experiences of the participants that put me off.
Probably something to look at.

No problem. If no resonance, then no resonance.

If you want to try one more, you could try #7 - Where is I.

Thanks for reminding me about the glasses exercise. I think about that a lot and redo it occasionally. That, and the exercise about going shopping, helped me let go of the idea of a doer/controller. I can look at that when I'm faced with a decision and let my intuition lead me.

Yes, just have some reminder if needed, and look at how decisions are happening.

Can you find a separate self somewhere that is doing things?

[Kaki]

If you want to try one more, you could try #7

I like #7. Thanks. I will give the others another try. Maybe I was just in a weird space. Some things did resonate with me:
- The idea that there are qualities of familiarity and continuity in the ‘I’ thought.
- It's a good practice for staying focused in ‘looking for the ‘I’’.
- When he said to do this inquiry by looking and resting. For me, resting was important so I didn't get frustrated.

My experience is that there is always something that is aware of looking for the ‘I’. Then I look for that. It just goes deeper.

I plan to make time to listen to and do this exercise at least once a day for a while. I think it will help me to more easily do this as I move through the day. I have a little trouble with reminders because I don't keep my phone with me all the time and, much of the time, the sound is off. I'll figure something out though.

[Bluejay]

My experience is that there is always something that is aware of looking for the ‘I’. Then I look for that. It just goes deeper.

And what do you find?

I plan to make time to listen to and do this exercise at least once a day for a while. I think it will help me to more easily do this as I move through the day. I have a little trouble with reminders because I don't keep my phone with me all the time and, much of the time, the sound is off. I'll figure something out though.

Sounds good!

[Kaki]

And what do you find?

I don't find anything.

So, this is cool. It occurred to me that I probably get impatient and don't wait long enough for anything meaningful to occur to me, or another thought comes and I refocus on that thought. I thought I would try again to listen to the meditations you recommended. I randomly picked #4, Perceiving Receiving, (like the glasses excitement 😁) and it was like an answer to my concern. I was able to stay in a receiving place for quite some time. Nothing especially happened other than it felt very nice and easy to stay there. I listen to that meditation a couple of times.

Who is the teacher?

[Bluejay]

Who is the teacher?

He does not want to be known.

I don't find anything.

So, this is cool. It occurred to me that I probably get impatient and don't wait long enough for anything meaningful to occur to me, or another thought comes and I refocus on that thought

Nothing has to occur. You're looking for something that doesn't exist, so what will you find? Nothing. And when you find nothing, what will happen? Thoughts will come in, impatience, frustration, avoidance.

Sit for 30 minutes and look for the self. If you find nothing, stare into nothing. If impatience comes, keep staring, or whatever words you want to use.

To take an example, let's say you're looking for a unicorn in your bedroom. You stare at the bedroom and find nothing. Is something supposed to happen when you realize there is no unicorn there? :)

What exactly is it you're looking for or expecting?

I thought I would try again to listen to the meditations you recommended. I randomly picked #4, Perceiving Receiving, (like the glasses excitement 😁) and it was like an answer to my concern. I was able to stay in a receiving place for quite some time. Nothing especially happened other than it felt very nice and easy to stay there. I listen to that meditation a couple of times.

Nice!

[Kaki]

let's say you're looking for a unicorn in your bedroom. You stare at the bedroom and find nothing. Is something supposed to happen when you realize there is no unicorn there? :)

I guess not. I guess I'm getting used to the feeling of being like an empty vessel (that's the image that comes to my mind) capable of receiving everything

[Bluejay]

Sounds good :)

And if you notice any expectations, let me know. Usually there are some hidden expectations that only start coming up when you start bumping up against frustration/impatience/discomfort of finding nothing.

[Kaki]

Sit for 30 minutes and look for the self. If you find nothing, stare into nothing. If impatience comes, keep staring, or whatever words you want to use.

I didn't feel frustrated in this particular meditation. I was alert and interested but I found myself trying to look in different ways when I kept finding nothing. I guess I was impatient. I would ask a different question like “what’ am I instead of “who’ or ‘where’ am I. I used the word 'me' instead of I. And another question I asked was ‘what is this’ referring to the nothing space. I felt like I was looking all the time but trying it from different angles. I would notice thoughts come up and I still couldn't see them forming but they appeared in the same space where I was looking. When I ignored the thought or it subsided, there was nothing again. I felt my eyes getting tired at times so I would relax my eyes and my brain which was feeling a little strained, because I thought I was trying to look too hard.

And if you notice any expectations, let me know. Usually there are some hidden expectations that only start coming up when you start bumping up against frustration/impatience/discomfort of finding nothing.

The only expectation that I had was a sense of no thought that I experienced years ago in my first 10-day vipassana retreat. It only lasted a short while until I had the thought that I hadn't had a thought in a while. I remember the calm, peaceful clarity of that experience.

[Kaki]

I did meditation #7 again before I went to yoga. I couldn't find a sense of self, the ‘I’ that seemed to be aware of everything in the head, which is where other thoughts seem to be. I couldn't find it anywhere. Then, during yoga, I was still looking for the self and, during a thought, ‘Who is noticing this other thought…’, a sensation in my leg appeared. I thought it was odd that I could notice that sensation at the same time that I was noticing a thought but maybe it didn't happen exactly at the same time. I had the thought, which I think I mentioned before, that maybe the awareness is in the sensations and in the thoughts themselves.