1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
There can't be anything separate, period, including and especially the "self" Everything is dependent on everything else. The "self" is an idea, a belief. It isn't a solid, separate thing. It's more of a process, but that's just a story too. Self is a story. Like Santa Claus!
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It's a pattern of thoughts, reinforced by more stories about stories, about a past and future. It seems to start when self- consciousness starts. At least in the story happening now, about a distant past and a childhood.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Well, I can't seem to go back to the state of believing in a self. Also, reason seems to have nothing to do with this understanding. It doesn't make sense and that may be the one of the things "I" was clinging on to most dearly. Making things make sense. A linear progression with stages, a path, etc. But how can now be a path. It was always ever like this.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Great question.I wish there was a line in the sand that I could cross. I think I was just resisting all along, kind of addicted to seeking and not finding because I didn't want to get to the end of the story.
At a certain point it just didn't make sense to resist because one belief after another kept dropping away. Karma, free will, heaven, hell, enlightenment, and finally self were all just seen as beliefs happening in this local sense of space, whatever that means. . More Stories!
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Decisioning is a happening, for no-one. Just what happen
"Seems like" a sense of decision happens, but it is seen that any possible decision is predetermined by all events that happened before, even before the sense of me arose, therefore decision is another illusion. Deciding to write this is just what happens at this point in the story.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Intention seems to work similarly to decision. Part of a process that has no beginning and no end. Just a chain of thoughts unending and unceasing. "I" seems to decide every day what to eat for breakfast, for example, but that decision is contingent on many factors ou of my control and so the decision just happens even before the word-play about the decision can be written.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
Similar to decision making. There is a story about free will. It is nothing more than a story. "Dependent Origination" in the Buddhist sense is a pointing that makes it make sense for me. Nothing arises independent of anything else, so the idea even of free will is already "willed" into us.
I seemed to have the free will to pursue "awakening and enlightenment" but when I saw that it was just an idea it lost a lot of it's appeal.
"I" lived the life of a renunciate in many ways to be able to focus on "this" but then saw that the path of the householder, yogi, monk, or king is more or less the same thing, just different stories being told.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Choices happen, conditioning, patterns,habits, all make it seem like they are under our control but nothing is. I choose to drink coffee in the morning for its' stimulating effects, but that choice is dependent on a myriad of factors none of which are within anyone's control,
Describe control & give examples from experience.
Control, decision,choice,free will. All a story. A "sense" happening in the process of life with no beginning. No control possible or necessary anymore.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Things are just happening. Like clouds. Things come and go. A natural process, depending on perspective.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Also, nothing. Except in a story about a person with free will, choices, decisions to be made. The sense of guilt, shame and regret. Is also more stories. So is the Love, Peace and happiness for that matter.
6) Anything to add?
This has been a most interesting process. Very frustrating at times but also very freeing. I just did not want to look at what was obvious, until it became inevitable. Seems like there is still lots of confusion and doubt, but also, that those thoughts are seen as just thoughts that arise and fall. No-one ever wants to get rid of the pleasant thoughts just the unpleasant ones, yet it seems like they are all just transient and ephereral, just what happens.
Thank You for all of your help along the "way"
Love
Peter