Hi Henri,
Here are the answers to the questions:
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
1. There is no separate entity anywhere nor has there ever been any separate entity.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
2. The illusion of the separate self is the belief in a separate entity that decides, feels, controls its environment. It starts (and ends) in the exact moment a thought, feeling, decision is believed to come from anything separate from the rest of life. The separate self is like an imaginary line around an arbitrary set of feelings, thoughts, decisions and sensations. Everything within the line seems to be controllable, everything outside of it seems uncontrollable. However, it turns out that everything just happens by itself. Both control and uncontrol require there to be the line between the two, which is imaginary and doesn't actually exist. In other words, there is no one to control anything so 'control' loses all its meaning.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
The first chunk of realisation happened like three years ago and I remember it was an incredible relief. Unlike anything I had ever felt. However, the realisation wasn't complete and so the relief slowly faded away again. The remaining chunk of realisation happened in the last few months. This time there has been some relief, but not as much the first time (maybe because the realisation was more gradual this time). The difference in understanding is simply that everything happens as a result of the circumstances that arose not because an separate entity interferes with anything. The practical difference is that I am not trying to push away emotions, feelings and thoughts as much anymore. It is clear that this trying is futile because emotions, feelings and thoughts are not something I do, rather they just happen. This has definitely brought some relief, because I don't have to push and pull on emotions anymore. It still happens, but it feels more like an old habit rather than some trick that might actually work.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Both realisations appeared after working through emotions. Both times the emotions got so intense that it dawned on me that it simply was less painful to confront them head on then to push them away any longer. The initial chunk of realisation came after working through sadness and the second chunk came after working through fear.
5a) Describe how decisions are made & give examples from experience.
5b) Describe intention & give examples from experience.
5c) Describe free will & give examples from experience.
5d) Describe choice & give examples from experience.
5e) Describe control & give examples from experience.
5f) What makes things happen? How does it work?
5g) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
5a. Decisions are made as a result of the circumstances. For example, I pick a blue shirt from my closet, because I have received a compliment for the shirt once, I like blue, I like wearing shirts, the weather is relatively warm. Not because there is some separate entity in my head that weighs the pros and cons and then decides on the blue shirt.
5b. There is no separate entity intending to do anything. Thoughts come up that seem to portray an intention ('I'm going to do this, because I want this to happen'), but these thoughts were not intended and just appeared themselves. I didn't intend to wear the blue shirt. When I opened the closet there was a thought like: 'I will pick this blue shirt' and then my arm reached out to pick up the blue shirt. All of those actions just happened, no separate entity trying to intend anything.
5c. There is no free will. There is no entity in my head that is free to choose whether or not it picks the blue shirt or not. Whether I pick the blue shirt is entirely dependent on the set of circumstances that arose. The thought about whether free will exists or not is part of this set of circumstances. This makes it seem like there is free will, however, the thought itself was not decided upon either and just as much a product from the set of circumstances at that point.
5d. There is no choice. Everything just happens, choice seems to arise when decisions and intention combine. I intend to do this then a decision arises hence I now have a choice. However, there is no intention so the decision is made based on the circumstances which means there was no choice.
5e. The sense of control arises from believing that there is choice. There is no choice and thus no decision to control.
5f. Nothing makes things happen. Everything just happens. There is no separate thing that makes anything happen.
5g. No one is responsible for anything. There is no entity in my head that can choose to pick the blue shirt, so the picking of the blue shirt is no one's doing. The blue shirt is picked simply because it turned out the circumstances were set up in a way for it to get picked, no other reason.
6) Anything to add?
The questions in 5) felt weird to answer. Decisions, intention, free will, choice, control and other such things require there to be two things (one thing that decides, intends, free wills, chooses, controls independently upon the second thing). However, there are no two things that act independently upon one another, so all of these words completely lose all their meaning. Therefore it feels weird to for example say there is no control, because it seems to imply that everything is non-controlled. However, nothing is non-controlled either. The completion notion about control (or any of the words above) is just completely meaningless now, so nothing is controlled nor is it non-controlled.
~Jaïr
