The Gate

At first I didn’t know how to respond to your post. I felt lost. I didn’t know what I was looking for. Then the example you gave with the hand helped a little.
I lay in bed searching out the ‘I’.
Thoughts, sensations.
I watched as every thought & sensation eventually disappeared. The sense of ‘I’ returned & I watched again as it dissolved into nothing.
I managed to keep my focus for quite a while.
I got an itch on the end of my nose. I observed. I wanted to know who or what was having this itch.
There was something reacting. Something wanted me to scratch my nose. It took a little while.
I searched & could only find a series of sensations. The itch was causing my body and thoughts to react. A physiological & mental response. Like when the doctor hits your knee at a spot just below your knee cap and your leg kicks out. There is nothing I can do to prevent it or change it, It all just happens by itself. Sometimes the urge of the itch was almost irresistible. But despite this, there was no ‘I’ to be found.

Much Love

Sometimes questions can be overlooked, but watch out for them - because I do expect an answer. :-)

Rise your arm, NOW!
Did an I rise the arm and was there any decision which one to rise?

This wasn't an example, it was something to do and to find out what is.
So please do it and answer the questions.

Here is another one from the last post:

Don't you find the outside reflections in your own thoughts, too, just thoughts, same stuff?

But despite this, there was no ‘I’ to be found.

How does this feel?

Does the sense of I has to disappear? What if this is just a feeling of aliveness? Does it have to carry a name/Label?

Love,
Jadzia, who put the questions in colour ;-)

Sometimes questions can be overlooked, but watch out for them - because I do expect an answer. :-)
Rise your arm, NOW!
Did an I rise the arm and was there any decision which one to rise?
This wasn't an example, it was something to do and to find out what is.
So please do it and answer the questions.

I raise my arm. No instruction. I don't even choose which side, it just happens. Later my brain will come in & say it was because I'm right handed but I don't REALLY know how or why.

When I leave my arm up in the air it’s a little trickier to spot. My mind is quite convincing about being in charge. Thoughts come in
“that's long enough”
“just a little bit longer.”
Then finally, when the arm comes down, it feels like my choice.
But I realise that my thoughts are telling a story while my arm does what it wants.
It’s a bit like when I try to control my breath, I can hold my breath or breath extra big breaths, & it feels like there is a mind in charge of breathing in & out, but eventually I'll return to autopilot breathing.

Here is another one from the last post:
Don't you find the outside reflections in your own thoughts, too, just thoughts, same stuff?
But despite this, there was no ‘I’ to be found.
How does this feel?

Yes, this was what I was trying to say. I am putting my thoughts on the outside world & then having more thoughts based on what is being reflected back.
It feels like I’m lost in the head.
It feels a little claustrophobic.

Does the sense of I has to disappear? What if this is just a feeling of aliveness? Does it have to carry a name/Label?

A tree doesn’t disappear as soon as I know that a tree is just a label. So I can say that myself will not disappear once I realise that ‘self’ is just a label.

Well Done!
What we do here is experiential. Best is not to think about something but do something and observe.
That is the way of recognizing the illusion which as you saw in the excercise is made from thoughts, interpretations and assumption, which cover the real experience.

It feels like I’m lost in the head.
It feels a little claustrophobic.

This is it, this is how it can feel. That's why we like Direkt Looking so much because it brings you back to what really is.

I raise my arm. No instruction. I don't even choose which side, it just happens. Later my brain will come in & say it was because I'm right handed but I don't REALLY know how or why.
When I leave my arm up in the air it’s

Yes, exactly.
There is no knowing how it is done and it is not the I/self. Thoughts will come in later and offer explanations, which in fact has nothing to do with reality but is an assumption.

So keep in mind that thoughts with their actions are part of the safety program. Stories "have to be seamless" so the idea of being in control can be mantained. Funnily the story has breaches, leaks, non fitting bits, but that is what is corrected in light speed.

The next day watch action, all kind of action, watch decisions, all kind of decisions - make it a kids game, joyful - and see any one instigating the action or is it just happening? Anyone deciding or are decisions pop up in thoughts after or during something is done as explanation?

Share what you find. And don't forget to always check what you can experience in the moment. Ha, and take care not to fall for the story. ;-)

Love,
Jadzia

The next day watch action, all kind of action, watch decisions, all kind of decisions - make it a kids game, joyful - and see any one instigating the action or is it just happening? Anyone deciding or are decisions pop up in thoughts after or during something is done as explanation?

Share what you find. And don't forget to always check what you can experience in the moment. Ha, and take care not to fall for the story. ;-)

I felt a little bit like a Pavlov dog! My computer went ping as a new email arrived. I automatically stopped what I was doing and looked at the new email without any thought otherwise.
I walked aimlessly around the park. My feet just went where they went. I turned a corner on automatic. “That’s far enough” Nobody seemed to say!
The slight claustrophobia came in & out throughout the day.
Things pop up in thoughts but not seem more random to me.

The slight claustrophobia came in & out throughout the day.

And how do you deal with it?

I felt a little bit like a Pavlov dog! My computer went ping as a new email arrived. I automatically stopped what I was doing and looked at the new email without any thought otherwise.

It is generally believed that there is cause and effect, like in the example you give: cause – pling, effect – checking mails.
If there ever happens a pling without checking the mails, what does this tell?
You are a direct experience pro now, if you check: can you smell, hear, taste, see, feel a connection between cause and effect?
It should have to be there in some way? If not, it might just be story.

Check this.
And watch how life is right now, does or did anything change, it can be your attitude to something or what ever.

Love,
Jadzia

The slight claustrophobia came in & out throughout the day.
And how do you deal with it?

I’ve just been observing it. At one point I observed a slight state of panic somewhere inside as a stream of thoughts ran rampant. I continue to observe.

I felt a little bit like a Pavlov dog! My computer went ping as a new email arrived. I automatically stopped what I was doing and looked at the new email without any thought otherwise.
It is generally believed that there is cause and effect, like in the example you give: cause – pling, effect – checking mails.
If there ever happens a pling without checking the mails, what does this tell?
You are a direct experience pro now, if you check: can you smell, hear, taste, see, feel a connection between cause and effect?
It should have to be there in some way? If not, it might just be story.

My thoughts were resistant to start with. How can you have an effect without cause? My mind would ask. If the hammer hits my finger, then my reaction is the effect!!!

But then I return to DE. Of course, just sensations. My mind is assuming the effect. Just thoughts & sensations.
I don't understand this. But I accept that I can just feel sensations, hear sounds & think thoughts.

At one point I observed a slight state of panic somewhere inside as a stream of thoughts ran rampant. I continue to observe.

Very good. It can be helpful to see if there is more story to it, meaning what thoughts were there before the panic came in, what thoughts are there while it is around and what thoughts are there when it is gone. Just to get to know the story behind it, so that you can say "Hi, here you are again" the next time they turn up.

Do the thoughts repeat themselves or are they each time different?

But then I return to DE. Of course, just sensations. My mind is assuming the effect. Just thoughts & sensations.
I don't understand this. But I accept that I can just feel sensations, hear sounds & think thoughts.

Did we do the exercise with just looking at an object, no touching, just looking.
Even if, do it again.
Describe what you see.
Describe the back of the object.
Is there a back of the object in DE at all?

What you describe is one of the function of thoughts - filling blanks. :-)
Finding explanations, keeping up safety.

Yes, cause and effect is nothing but a story.

Now tell me: who types the answer to my answer?

Love,
Jadzia

I've been responding to your last post.
Will report tomorrow.

Much love

Can't wait to see what you have to share.

Love,
Jadzia

Do the thoughts repeat themselves or are they each time different?

There have been thoughts of a man inside, trying to escape. It repeated a few times over the last couple of days, but each thought wasn’t exactly the same.
The feeling of this 'escaping man' changed. Those thought have since disappeared.

I have other thoughts that feel more positive & encouraging
“This sense of panic is good, you must be really making traction!”
& then self congratulating thoughts
“You are brave, you are walking where it is difficult to tread…”

All thoughts!

Did we do the exercise with just looking at an object, no touching, just looking.
Even if, do it again.
Describe what you see.
Describe the back of the object.
Is there a back of the object in DE at all?

Yes we did this but I was grateful to do it again. I look & see 2D. So much is pulled together with thought. Once I remove the assumptions, there isn’t a lot left. The back of the object is an assumption.

I had a breakthrough of sorts.
I saw very briefly how my entire perception is connected by thoughts. Many thoughts intertwined with lights, sounds & sensations. Each of the many thought sewing together a story.

Now tell me: who types the answer to my answer?

A life essence. That cannot be pinned down.

I wonder if it is experience itself that is typing the answer. I don’t know. I look with DE.
An autopilot. A sequence. A flow. I cannot pinpoint.
I continue with my investigations…

Much love

There have been thoughts of a man inside, trying to escape. It repeated a few times over the last couple of days, but each thought wasn’t exactly the same.
The feeling of this 'escaping man' changed. Those thought have since disappeared.

Nice story. Looks a bit as if it was masking a bit of fear.

All thoughts!

Yes, thoughts come in quite some dresses, so to speak. Some are compliments, some are encouraging, some are demeaning and judging, some are funny and so on - but whatever one could call them, all are thoughts.

I look & see 2D. So much is pulled together with thought. Once I remove the assumptions, there isn’t a lot left. The back of the object is an assumption.

Beautifully looked. It is so helpful once one realizes that many a thought is nothing but an assumption or merely a suggestion, not pointing to anything in DE, not to anything real, but always pointing to the story.
There is a reason why the story of the person and the "surrounding" world is so convincing.......

I saw very briefly how my entire perception is connected by thoughts. Many thoughts intertwined with lights, sounds & sensations. Each of the many thought sewing together a story.

Yessss. Same as above - quite convincing....

A life essence. That cannot be pinned down.

I wonder if it is experience itself that is typing the answer. I don’t know. I look with DE.
An autopilot. A sequence. A flow. I cannot pinpoint.

This is where words do get tricky. Actually we can use a lot of words for This, for what is.

Let's look at something.
Is there a university?
Where would you point to? The building? The students? The rooms? The computers? Or to anything else of the many parts which "make" an university?
All of this are university and none of it is, right?
University is an abstract. A label for many things under one label.

Ponder this for a while and share what else you find?

And? Feeling you are on a good path, exploring and looking?
How is it with beliefs falling away?

Love,
Jadzia

Let's look at something.
Is there a university?
Where would you point to? The building? The students? The rooms? The computers? Or to anything else of the many parts which "make" an university?
All of this are university and none of it is, right?
University is an abstract. A label for many things under one label.
Ponder this for a while and share what else you find?

I am made from things. Arms legs, but of course those things don’t really exist. I go deeper and find blood, tissue & fat. But those things are made from cells. & the cells, from atoms, & then subatomic, & then energy, & then who knows? Consciousness, awareness…
We are only limited TO THE labels we can create
We ARE limited by the labels we create

So now I look with DE and no labels seem to suffice. But I do see clearly the labels as labels. A word to ring-fence a concept or idea.

And? Feeling you are on a good path, exploring and looking?
How is it with beliefs falling away?

I experienced some acute stress at work last week which surprised me because generally things are becoming less important.
I have a marked reduction in the need to be someone. Less need to achieve.
The belief in my own mask is weakening. There is still a need to get along with others & fit in, but I’m dropping the need for pretenses.
So new beliefs pop up as old ones fade. I keep coming back to the belief that “I don't exist” but my mind is not in agreement!

Much Love

I am made from things. Arms legs, but of course those things don’t really exist. I go deeper and find blood, tissue & fat. But those things are made from cells. & the cells, from atoms, & then subatomic, & then energy, & then who knows? Consciousness, awareness…

What of this do you find in DE? Go looking?
Do you find blood in DE or is this knowledge aka learned stuff, aka memory aka thought?
Go check for every single bit you wrote what you are.

A word to ring-fence a concept or idea.

So true.
Can you think "car" without having an image in your mind or more thoughts about it? Try it.

I experienced some acute stress at work last week which surprised me because generally things are becoming less important.
I have a marked reduction in the need to be someone. Less need to achieve.
The belief in my own mask is weakening. There is still a need to get along with others & fit in, but I’m dropping the need for pretenses.

When the belief in the self weakens there are changes as you describe them. But still there can come a topic or something which causes stress.
Same here as always: Never resist. Have a loving look at what shows up. If you fall for the story for a while, fine, disentangle and just allow and observe.

Who is dropping the need for pretense?
A someone? Actively doing?
Or was this just manner of speaking.

So new beliefs pop up as old ones fade.

It is good to see this, because it will go on happening. Beliefs or stories will stick less and less but new ones appear.
That is thoughts job, so all is well.

I keep coming back to the belief that “I don't exist” but my mind is not in agreement!

lol, no. This is not knowledge one can get via mind/rationally, this is knowing and understanding, other level.

So "I don't exist isn't quite right".
You can talk about a character in a film, about what Han Solo did in part three, blabla, and still know he doesn't and never did exist - apart from a film, in a story.
Are you any different in that aspect than Han Solo?

Love,
Jadzia

Do you find blood in DE or is this knowledge aka learned stuff, aka memory aka thought?
Go check for every single bit you wrote what you are.

In DE I cannot see or feel any of these things. Just an endless list of thought labels. In DE I can only feel sensations, smell, tastes & see light & movement.

But THERE IS SOMETHING that experiences DE. A sense of self. I have so far over the last few months been unable to pinpoint this. The closest I can come to is an energy or constantly fluctuating vibration. BUt even typing these words it feels like energy & vibration are more of an effect not the cause. There is a deeper level to go. I continue…

A word to ring-fence a concept or idea.
So true.
Can you think "car" without having an image in your mind or more thoughts about it? Try it.

An image of a car came up, a white one. Then more thoughts, “Should i be seeing a car, should I NOT be seeing a car…”
I repeated the word ‘car’. I started to sound like a bird! So an image of a black bird came up in my mind’s eye!! lol

When the belief in the self weakens there are changes as you describe them. But still there can come a topic or something which causes stress.

Yes. I don’t expect to be stress free. I was just surprised about how stressed I got about a relatively everyday thing in my job. Maybe it's more stuff coming to the surface.

Same here as always: Never resist. Have a loving look at what shows up. If you fall for the story for a while, fine, disentangle and just allow and observe.

Catch myself, forgive, repeat. :)

Who is dropping the need for pretense?
A someone? Actively doing?
Or was this just manner of speaking.

There just seems to be less energy attached to presenting myself which feels like less of a burden.

So "I don't exist isn't quite right".
You can talk about a character in a film, about what Han Solo did in part three, blabla, and still know he doesn't and never did exist - apart from a film, in a story.
Are you any different in that aspect than Han Solo?

Wow what a question!
My first reaction after everything we have done so far is that there might be no difference.bill investigate further.

Much love