Good evening T,
sometimes i remeber to smile. But it just feels like a machanical action not that it gives releif or anything at that moment.
It isn't meant to bring relief. (although eventually it may)
The whole point of it is to establish a habit. The habit of recognizing the point of departure into suffering.
At this stage you may still go into suffering even though you recognize that you are about to. ..but as the habit establishes, you will more and more have the (apparent) choice not to.
Without recognizing that point there is no choice. The horror story will take over and suffering ensues.
So iv been more lost and identifyed with my thoughts then ever.
..and it's the nature of those thoughts that creates the suffering.
Recognizing the point of departure, will eventually give rise to a different kind of thought pattern.
I still beilive i have to figure things out and make dessisions.
If you can watch how the decision to study or not, forms, you may catch a glimpse of how decisions actually happen.
Just keep the witness mind active when anything to do with your future is present.
Notice all of the conditions that contribute to the decision forming.
i havent heard back from some jobs yet so im waiting on those answers as well
..a condition.
Iv asked my 2 best friends what they think i should do (they think i should study)
..more conditions
its music somthing that i love it has that pull to it as well.
..another condition
Of course, some conditions have a bigger influence than others.
Actually now that im writing this i am feeling a bit exited and happy.
..a condition (a big one)
But other times im in total panic i still feel this extreme urge to live in a monistary or something
..another condition
I feel like everything els other then finding out the true nature of things and myself is just postponing, distraction, getting lost in the illusion.
The idea that anything other than what you are experiencing is real(ity), IS the illusion.
There is a lot of fear and resistance. And im so tired of being this way
Yes, it must be exhausting. Like jumping up and trying not to come back down.
It's so futile and unnecessary.
There is no escape from What IS.
Resist it and it becomes stronger.
By totally accepting it, will it change.
love
vince