Wanting to wakeup feels like its what's stopping awakening

[Anastacia42]

Good morning

Another guide has this question:

You said,

"There is the will from conditions and all the constraints. "

In your direct experience what is this ‘will’ that arises, please can you clarify?

Loving,

[mayafreedom]

For example if you see a bear you might have the "will to live" and instinctually do things to prevent the bear from attacking, as opposed to not having that will and not doing anything. That will seems to be pre-coded and just emerge, driving actions.

Even organisms as simple as a bacteria will avoid toxic gradients and move toward food. That appears as "will" but is conditioned by evolution. In this language even AI or other software can have "will" (the directive to follow one route as opposed to another).

The strongest example I can feel in my DE is the "will" (maybe desire is a better word?) to awaken. Once I had that heart opening experience I became obsessed with figuring out where it came from and how to get more of it. My "will" toward making money, having novel sensory experiences, partying, etc, seemed to totally get flipped on its head and be put toward this new endeavor.

But "I" cannot make that will. I have no idea how to. It came of its own accord based on a combination of the pleasure of that experience (which I didn't control or make), maybe other mind altered experiences I had had (which I also couldn't have made), having read Eckhart Tolle and others as a teen (which only emerged because of other circumstances), things I had heard about enlightenment when I was a child (based on how my parents raised me which I had no control over), etc.

Maybe the word "will" is a total misnomer and we should just call it conditioned/condutionable tendencies.

But I still don't know *how* will works or how to *make it . And it's certainly not free or independent of everything else.

[Anastacia42]

What is this conditioning? If we can't know, can't we just let it be a mystery?

Anything we say or think about cause & effect- can we find that in DE?

Loving,

[mayafreedom]

Right, it's pretty damn mysterious. Psychology research shows correlations for behaviors and neuroscience shows correlating brain states in the form of blood flow but that NEVER fully explains it. I'm constantly baffled why one person X's and the other person Z's in the seemingly-same circumstance Y. All of my training in science convinced me that we don't know jack shit. I actually went into neuroscience to study consciousness and came out completely empty handed and jaded by the BS of people pretending they know and asserting facts where there are lots of homes. All we have is explanations after the observations. I have repeatedly come to not figure it out at all. Sometime I just call it "magic" lol.

[mayafreedom]

Anything we say or think about cause & effect- can we find that in DE?

No, only in inference supported by memory, which is all thought

[mayafreedom]

I want to say something broader than the checkpoint questions about what I'm realizing, have it checked out by you and other guides: what I saw on Aug 8th with the experience of looking for the perceiver and instead of being boomerang'd back out into perception this time it was like a zooming out to the bigger just-awareness that the visual field, perceptual labels, and selfing-process thoughts are all within. Several years ago I started really clearly recognizing this through IFS work and calling it Self Energy in their terminology or Citta from some Theravada Buddhism and specifically what I could feel listening to Ajahn Sumedho when he would talk about Pure Awareness. I would call it almost an altered state but it's extremely present and clear.

In my healing profession work it sometimes feels like Maya is talking and moving but with zero control and I (this sense of just... awareness) am just watching the whole thing happen. There have been maybe a dozen very distinct experiences of that while working and dozens more on my own. Each time it's clear that Maya is just a thing happening within it and I am "bigger" than that. Sometimes it's perceived spatially like there's the larger "bubble" of the awareness and there's verbal thoughts about "me" (which for some reason seem to be more on the right side of the spatial field), there's auditory perceptions (for some reason tend to be the left side of the field) and larger space kinda all around. It seems to have a size that's simply the size of whatever is being perceived (e.g. the room). The body may be present within it or sometimes almost or totally gone in deeper meditation

...I know it's not the self-concept because that self-concept is *within* it. And it definitely doesn't have a color or flavor, except maybe that I commonly feel very peaceful from perceiving from that place.

I cannot go there at-will, but it's becoming so familiar that it's almost to that point of... And I don't even know how to say this but almost like learning a weird reflex of how to step back from experience. It's obvious in meditation sometimes.

The other thing about it is I've learned it's different than just "feeling pleasant" like pleasant feeling can be within it but pleasant feeling isn't it. My earlier meditations were more like fluffy pleasant feeling but not like this.

Listening to Angelo just now I think it's what he is calling unbound consciousness or pure awareness. I've been working with that from Ajahn Sumedho's teachings again for years.

I think these things are so hard to explain or talk about and part of my work here in LU has just been distinguishing which thing we're even referring to. I have psychic-y things, good feeling things, trippy feeling things, the more direct perceptual experiences, but this Citta/consciousness/awareness is the most all-encompassing of all of them. And definitely cannot be made by me or anyone else afaik. We are just...here. like some kind of magic. It seems absolutely insane to even "exist," here it just is. What is even happening here.

[Anastacia42]

Hi Maya

That's a lot of Labeling & thinking. Do those even matter? Can you just be with it?

I don't see a question there.

LU & I are not here to discuss these labels & philosophies. Maybe you could take it to Vince's group to discuss it there?

Todd & Pernille are busy moving to Spain for the next few months.

http://www.wakingupwithvince.com/

I believe Angelo sometimes has online retreats. I'm sure there are others.

I hope that helps.

Loving,

[Anastacia42]

Maybe this one helps?

https://youtu.be/3sX2HR1lF_4?is=zkvUJKWZR7F3PKsV

Loving

[Anastacia42]

Hi Stacy,

Can you please ask with regards to " Choices happen, I'm witness to the result." Can a witness actually be found? If you can find one, would you please provide a description?
What is this entity that is outside of what is happening and is witnessing it?
Is there something there which is watching thoughts, decisions and actions happen? Or is “witness” more story added by thought? Is a witness necessary for this to happen and to be here?
When seeing happens, is there a seer as well as seeing?

[mayafreedom]

Can a witness actually be found?

No, there's just experience witness-ing, like right now "I" see, hear, taste, touch, sense. I guess I'm calling all of that witnessing?

What is this entity that is outside of what is happening and is witnessing it?

I don't believe in and haven't found an entity but I can say that there is just the experience of being alive. I guess even being alive is an assumption/label. There is experience.

Is a witness necessary for this to happen and to be here?
When seeing happens, is there a seer as well as seeing?

I have no idea what's necessary, being here at all hardly makes sense. I don't know how to make any of it happen. When seeing happens there is seeing. Thoughts are separate and also happening. There is experiencing thoughts and vision and the other senses seemingly simultaneously.

LU & I are not here to discuss these labels & philosophies.

I apologize, I'm truly not trying to philosophize. I just am trying to describe but referencing contexts I know. I guess it all feels related to awakening so I wanted to explain that part of my experience for your diagnostic process. If it doesn't make sense though feel free to disregard.

[mayafreedom]

Vince was very helpful yesterday, cutting through the doubt, seeing it simply as an aspect of experience. It was a bit easier for me to express myself and be seen face to face. He welcomed me home.

[Anastacia42]

Very good.

Our conversation here is complete. Attend the groups anytime you want.

Much love,

[mayafreedom]

Thanks for all your help, Stacy! Sending 💕🙏🏻☺️

[Anastacia42]

My pleasure.

[Anastacia42]

Hi Maya,

I just found out that I missed a follow up question from another guide. Would you mind replying?

Hi Stacy. Thanks, that clears up what I was asking.

Just one small point. She said, “Thoughts are separate and also happening.” You can ask if you haven't discussed this already:

When you say “separate,” what do you mean?

In direct experience, is there actually a boundary separating thought from seeing, hearing or sensation, or are these simply different labels for what is presently happening - inseparable and whole?

And when you say “there is experience,” is “experience” itself something that can actually be found apart from seeing, hearing, sensing, thinking, etc. happening? Is there an additional thing called “experience” besides what is already happening? How is the "experience of being alive" any different from any other sensation if you drop the story?

Thank you,