The Gate

Hi Ellie,

Just to add to that, I tend to still focus on trying to feel better and not just accepting whatever I am feeling. The Awakening Curriculum has been good at highlighting the need to accept was is with compassion but I am still finding that this doesn't come naturally. There is a constant movement to try and make feelings "go away" because they are "bad" even though I know that isn't possible! When I do accept them they tend to dissolve but this is the minority of the time.

It will take a while. You say you still focus on "trying to feel better."

Please keep LOOKING here. A 'personal' thought can only point to one place..... an unexplored body sensation that has a label of 'me' attached: "That's the way I feel!" "These are 'my' feelings!" etc. These are obvious pointers. They are all you need.
And if there is some anger, or push back, look at the 'hidden' belief or feelings underneath. There are layers to explore!.

I would respectfully say to forget 'compassion.' If compassion is not present, then it is adding another layer of 'self' judgment.
"I feel shitty..... and now you are saying "I" shouldn't feel shitty, I should feel 'compassionate towards myself"!!!

For me the honest path forward is one of gentle and continued curiosity "what's in the way?"
"I feel shitty".... "Oh, that's interesting, what does this shitty FEEL like?"
and always:
What is noticing all of this?
Let that lead you. It will keep you anchored in your direct experience, not in ideas about states of being that should be strived for. After all, WHO is trying to obtain WHAT?

Can anything be held onto that is an appearance?
What is noticing?
Go there, it is a pointer, and it is open ended, here, now, immediate. Relax into that.


Keep going Ellie,

Keep sharing!

Warm regards,
Rowena

Hi Rowena,

I would respectfully say to forget 'compassion.' If compassion is not present, then it is adding another layer of 'self' judgment.
"I feel shitty..... and now you are saying "I" shouldn't feel shitty, I should feel 'compassionate towards myself"!!!

Thank you for pointing this out! That's the trouble with watching online videos! I think I have taken this as another thing to try and "get" - the controller stepping in again with something I have to "do right" or achieve.

Can anything be held onto that is an appearance?
What is noticing?

No, an appearance is just that, an appearance, it comes and goes. For example, I felt guilty about something I said to my husband earlier but now that feeling has melted, it was just weather passing by. In the moment it felt "bad" and now it seems insignificant. There is no-thing noticing it, it just arising in awareness.

Warm wishes,
Ellie

Hi Ellie,

Yes, everything is an appearance in (consciousness, awareness, stillness, emptiness….. ) all names for noticing that continuous effortlessly. Noticing is effortless, if effort is noticed it is an appearance noticed! Play around with that lightly.

Warm regards,
Rowena

Hi Rowena,

Noticing is effortless, if effort is noticed it is an appearance noticed! Play around with that lightly.

I played around with noticing yesterday. I was able to go into my body more often and sit with feelings of frustration and wanting things to be different. This seems to be coming more naturally but when the body is overwhelmed and flooded with adrenaline how do I look at what is noticing? At this point the controller just seems to take over!

The mind wants to look for the next stage or to see progress. What am I missing when the mind wants to move forward? I know conceptually that it can't "move" forward but the feeling is still there!

Warm wishes,
Ellie

Dear Ellie,

I played around with noticing yesterday. I was able to go into my body more often and sit with feelings of frustration and wanting things to be different. This seems to be coming more naturally but when the body is overwhelmed and flooded with adrenaline how do I look at what is noticing? At this point the controller just seems to take over!

Please don't try and look at or for what is noticing? There is no "at" everything is being noticed, body sensations and thoughts all jumbled up together. Only when things are really quiet, in DE is there a kind of shift and a feeling of noticing of noticing. But in reality, we cannot get away from noticing, ever..... can you see that? All there is is that, (noticing).

My suggestion is when you are caught up in frustration, see that as a pointer: What is frustration actually?
Words make experiences into 'things'. BUT THERE ARE NO THINGS, there is only movement, appearances coming and going.
So to get out of the 'trance' of words, practice shifting attention to DE. I think the visual field works really well, or the auditory one too, especially if there are lots of random noises...... just hear the jazz event of hearing, or the rich visual event of seeing. Move your head slowly from side to side with an open focus to get the feel of constant movement.

The mind wants to look for the next stage or to see progress. What am I missing when the mind wants to move forward? I know conceptually that it can't "move" forward but the feeling is still there!

We have been conditioned like that, for progress, to achieve, etc. You are not missing anything when the mind wants to move forward. There's no 'you' to miss anything, only a program still running about a 'you' and a 'missing', it will take time for that program to run its course, and the more it is noticed.... "ah yes, that's the program" the more it will fade away!

There are no things, only one movement!

Warm regards,
Rowena

Dear Rowena,

But in reality, we cannot get away from noticing, ever..... can you see that? All there is is that, (noticing).

Yes, I see that. "Trying" to notice is another thought! Noticing just happens.

My suggestion is when you are caught up in frustration, see that as a pointer: What is frustration actually?
Words make experiences into 'things'. BUT THERE ARE NO THINGS, there is only movement, appearances coming and going.
So to get out of the 'trance' of words, practice shifting attention to DE. I think the visual field works really well, or the auditory one too, especially if there are lots of random noises...... just hear the jazz event of hearing, or the rich visual event of seeing. Move your head slowly from side to side with an open focus to get the feel of constant movement.

Thank you, that makes complete sense. Seeing that "frustration" or "wanting progress" are just words making a temporary movement feel like a solid 'thing' is really helpful. Practising that shift to the visual and auditory fields really helps when the progress program starts running.

I actually caught one of those old programs running yesterday. I’ve been looking at the Awakening Curriculum lessons on the Toxic Starting Points and I noticed how deeply I rely on indirect communication - asking leading questions rather than stating my feelings directly - to avoid discomfort and protect feelings. The moment I caught it, I felt a hard tightness in my chest and recognised it as an old, inherited family habit.

Following your pointer, I just sat with the raw sensation in the chest as a physical movement rather than a 'thing' to fix. But I can also see how much emotional conditioning and subtle habit there is around taking up space and being direct.

Since you mentioned looking at The Awakening Curriculum, were you suggesting I look at her material on my own alongside our chats or do you ever integrate her fetter/shadow work directly into guiding sessions? I'd love to know what works best for you!

Warm regards,

Ellie

Hello Ellie,

I actually caught one of those old programs running yesterday. I’ve been looking at the Awakening Curriculum lessons on the Toxic Starting Points and I noticed how deeply I rely on indirect communication - asking leading questions rather than stating my feelings directly - to avoid discomfort and protect feelings. The moment I caught it, I felt a hard tightness in my chest and recognised it as an old, inherited family habit.

This is really good Ellie. The Toxic Starting Point is a really great concept offered by Pernille. My take on that is the settling into 'being' and asking "what needs to be felt that is currently unexpressed?" Often first thing in the morning upon waking up, this can be fairly obvious that there is something a little 'off', something lingering, some subtle grumpiness or something (my experience) and then settling into that. I have experienced it spread out over the body as a kind of subtle soreness in various areas. Allowing that soreness to be there and receive nourishment from having attention placed on it. "Energy flows where attention goes." So by being curious as to where in the body is needing attention, is like bringing energy to vitalize areas that have been stagnant due to tightness, or holding in /or out against life.

Since you mentioned looking at The Awakening Curriculum, were you suggesting I look at her material on my own alongside our chats or do you ever integrate her fetter/shadow work directly into guiding sessions? I'd love to know what works best for you!

I don't use her method directly, but I think that the conversations can be very helpful to listen to. For actual fetter practice I found the very clear method mapped by Kevin Shanilek in his website https://www.simplytheseen.com to be the one I followed. Mostly I just advise the simple going backwards and forwards of thoughts pointing to sensations pointing to hidden beliefs pointing to more subtle sensations. Always simply noticing what is arising. I have found that the fetter method can become a bit of a trap, like a goal of attainment for the spiritual ego.

The one thing I would suggest that you add as a daily practice is to do some "cardiac coherence" breathing. Non-stop breathing, 6 secs inhale and 6 secs exhale with your attention as fully as you can being directed onto the breath. This can really calm and slow everything down and enable more clarity regarding all the different little 'events' appearing. I think this is called "Samatha meditation" in buddhism. This will strengthen and clarify the ability to stay with simply noticing which is where 'lightness of being' is to be found, our 'natural' state of being.

I would like to share one more thing that I have found to be strangely true. Perhaps we might wish to be thought of as being an interesting person who can contribute a lot of worthwhile ideas, so we feel we belong as a 'someone' according to the belief/fear we hold about not belonging. Therefore, any moments where we feel overlooked and not validated can be very wounding to that core ego wound. We will find it coming up at us through different 'themes' again and again until we finally hit that core belief of the ego which is actually exposing a deep truth: "I am uninteresting", "I have nothing to contribute" etc." When there is no more avoiding this core wound/belief, there can be a deep relief that settles in the body.... it is seen as a truth, and once the uncomfortable sensations have abated, it will be known that there is no more need to fight against it. Why is it true? Because of the conviction of there being an "I" that can be rejected, not included, not belonging, not existing etc. It is simply not possible for anything to be rejected, not included, not belonging, not existing when we take the perspective of direct experience. There is no where to go. Only appearances interpreted as such.

Keep sharing,

Warm regards,
Rowena

PS. Where is your farm in the UK? Is the weather affecting things for you? My mum lives just down the road from where the wild fire was on the Suffolk coast.