The Gate

Hi Rali,

Sorry - been sick and haven't yet responded to your question. Hoping to by tomorrow.

Hope you're well!
Lanie

Hi Lanie

I'm sorry to hear that and I hope you get back on your feet in no time! Then again, this presents a perfect opportunity to explore sensations that we usually resist - all is welcome. I'm not saying don't take care of yourself here, but just notice these sensations that we are usually in a hurry to get rid of.

Love
Rali

Hi Rali,

Whew, long time! Got knocked out with a really bad cold

If there’s no subject and no object, no watcher and no watched, no thinker and no thought…
What’s actually happening?

I’m reminded of that zen koan (I think) about the tree that falls in the forest and if no one is there, does it make a sound? Of course not! Nothing happens without perception. There are no views without seeing or sensations without feeling. It’s all happening right here.

There was a sense, for a white, of some kind of recording device belonging to “the watcher.” Couldn’t find the recording device anywhere, and the watcher is similarly tough to pin down. That sense of watching seems to shrink, under examination, becoming smaller and eventually merging with what is seen.

There’s been resistance about memory and specifically whether seeing is being kept somewhere, for later. I think it’s just raw material that might be regurgitated in some form for thoughts and stories, if the mind sees it serving a need.

I’m seeing more that memory is happening now. Memory happens as thoughts inside this mind, and it doesn’t contain the totality of anything. Other people’s actions, behaviours, and habits are not actually DE.Memories really are stories. Stories might serve a purpose that might be well beyond what the conscious mind is aware of, and might reinforce hidden beliefs or excuses or provide rationals for things I don’t want to change.

Hi Lanie

This is so clear. The seeing is deepening beautifully.

I liked the analogy with the “recording device” — the imagined watcher storing up experience for later. It is such a common mental habit. But you looked, and what did you find? Just more this. There is no observer apart from what’s observed, and no one holding the camera. And when even the idea of “watching” is seen as just more commentary, it too dissolves. What’s left is just this with no center and no storage. No one watching — there is only seeing/colour (tasting, smelling…) and commentary.

Your insight about memory is also spot on. Memory appears now. It’s a current thought, not a container of the past. And the mind’s use of it — to reinforce old stories, protect identities, or avoid change — is so subtle.

Think about déjà vu - it’s the uncanny feeling that “this has happened before.” But if you look closely, there’s no actual memory. There’s just a present-moment appearance claiming to be about the past. Nothing is recalled — there’s only a thought or sensation suggesting familiarity. The whole experience of “this already happened” is happening now, without proof, without content, without access to any “real” past. That’s memory, too.
It’s not the past returning — it’s a story about the past appearing in the present, as a thought, image, or feeling. It’s no different from déjà vu in that sense. It feels meaningful, but it’s just showing up, with no actual time-travel involved.

So the question is:
If memory is just a label on a thought that says “this was before” (and déjà vu shows how convincing that label can be without any actual past), what else is being taken as real, just because of a label?

Stay with that curiosity. Let even memory be new.

Love
Rali

Hi Rali,

If memory is just a label on a thought that says “this was before” (and déjà vu shows how convincing that label can be without any actual past), what else is being taken as real, just because of a label?

Lots of stuff!

I had an experience the other day where I felt really sad and anxious. I just woke up in the morning and the feelings were there. I thought it was about my husband, and a bunch of stories and feelings came over me to match that. Then I thought it might be to do with the chaos going on with Canada’s southern neighbor. Fear came over me, along with quite a lot of doomscrolling. Then I thought it might be because of an annoying work issue. Then I realized the mind actually had no idea. There was just sadness and anxiety and the mind attempting to make coherence out of this. There was a desire for control; if the cause could be pinpointed, the mind got a sense of being able to avoid or plan around these feelings. There was predictability if the cause was “known.”

I had another, similar experience where I was feeling really angry (I think). Except the body felt good; there was no sharp and hot contraction, just an energy flowing. But whenever the mind started thinking of a topic, it decided it was exasperating. Whenever my husband did/said anything, it was annoying. It was strange that a neutral, or even pleasant body sensation kept consistently drawing out specific types of mind reactions. I’m not quite sure what to make of this or how to understand it.

There has been seeing through some cravings that were just elaborate labels as well. I love coffee and drink far too much of it. The craving hits, and the label is almost more of a fantasy - the smell, steam rising from the cup, being curled up on the couch in the sunshine, reading while the sun comes in through the window. This is never the reality. it’s usually drunk lukewarm while I’m checking my email. The image is very clearly an incorrect label. This is all slightly disappointing as the little mid-morning ritual of looking forward to a naughty coffee has died off. I still vaguely want something, but there’s nowhere for the want to land, so it just goes back to wherever it came from.

One thing with memory, specifically, that I’ve noticed is the clear difference between something arising in the body and mind because it’s been triggered and/or needs to be processed, and the mind searching for emotional baggage to process in the name of self-improvement. I’ve had the experience quite a few times when something will come up, sometimes without any warning, that feels incredibly immediate and very strong. Sometimes there are mental images - they can sometimes be realistic, and potentially be images from life at some point, but often they’re often highly symbolic and quite odd. The whole experience feels intense and is metabolized often over the course of several days. The other memory experience is when the mind realizes how helpful it was to metabolize the first memory, so it makes a list of other difficult memories and attempts to recreate the process. This type feels a lot like eating imaginary chocolate. This feels a lot clearer to me - there’s no one to manage this process; it just unfolds on its own.

One thing I’m struggling with a bit is bad or cringey or regrettable memories. The mind loves to pop those up into consciousness all the time. I’m not even sure that they’re real memories - some of them are, at least partially, but I think a lot of them are quite embellished. I guess this is treat it like a cloud? It’s just going to come and go on its own?

I think there’s more labels, but these are the ones coming up for now. :)

Hi Lanie

That’s a beautiful reflection — so clear, curious, and really grounded in direct experience. You’re seeing how labels try to create certainty where there is none, and how the mind scrambles to organize and control what is actually just life unfolding, in all its unpredictability.
A few gentle invitations for looking:

There has been seeing through some cravings that were just elaborate labels as well. I love coffee and drink far too much of it. The craving hits, and the label is almost more of a fantasy - the smell, steam rising from the cup, being curled up on the couch in the sunshine, reading while the sun comes in through the window. This is never the reality. it’s usually drunk lukewarm while I’m checking my email. The image is very clearly an incorrect label.

The mind creates posters for experience: steam, sunlight, cosiness… But the actual coffee? Usually lukewarm, slightly bitter, happening in a rush.
And yet, when the poster fades, what’s left? Not loss… but clarity.
Now there’s no place for the craving to land. So where does that energy go when it’s not believed?
What’s left when the seeking dissolves?

I had another, similar experience where I was feeling really angry (I think). Except the body felt good; there was no sharp and hot contraction, just an energy flowing. But whenever the mind started thinking of a topic, it decided it was exasperating. Whenever my husband did/said anything, it was annoying. It was strange that a neutral, or even pleasant body sensation kept consistently drawing out specific types of mind reactions. I’m not quite sure what to make of this or how to understand it.

Yes! The sensation and the story don’t always line up.
This is a crack in the illusion of coherence — where you see that the body is fine, but thought insists on a problem. It’s like the mind was preloaded with a script and is just looking for someone to cast.
But if no role is taken up — what happens to the script?

The other memory experience is when the mind realizes how helpful it was to metabolize the first memory, so it makes a list of other difficult memories and attempts to recreate the process.

Yes, there’s a difference between what’s naturally arising and what the mind tries to dig up. That distinction is so important.
The second — the mind digging for content — is just another sneaky self-improvement project. It wants to “manage healing.” But healing isn’t managed. It unfolds - like digestion, like sleep, like rain.

One thing I’m struggling with a bit is bad or cringey or regrettable memories. The mind loves to pop those up into consciousness all the time. I’m not even sure that they’re real memories - some of them are, at least partially, but I think a lot of them are quite embellished. I guess this is treat it like a cloud? It’s just going to come and go on its own?

Yes, just clouds. But notice…
It’s not the past that’s “coming back.” It’s a thought now, a sensation now, a label now.
The moment you look for the actual event, it’s not here.
What is here?
Maybe heat, tension in the gut, the word “ugh,” but none of those prove anything happened.
They’re just this: a pattern of sensations and thoughts unfolding now.
So if the cringe is this, now — what happens when it’s just met as this, without the label?

Maybe one more small question to sit with:
If no labels were added — not “memory,” not “cringe,” not “processing,” not “shouldn’t be here” or “I already dealt with this”… What’s actually going on?
Whatever appears, that’s it. No distance, no need for story.
Just a lava lamp doing its thing ;)

Love
Rali

Hi Rali,

I really loved reading this last message. Everything just seemed to resonate so beautifully.

And yet, when the (beautiful coffee advertisement) poster fades, what’s left? Not loss… but clarity.
Now there’s no place for the craving to land. So where does that energy go when it’s not believed?
What’s left when the seeking dissolves?

A wee bit of frustration because I wanted a treat but understand that it’s not going to work in the way that I’d hoped.

I’m not sure that seeking dissolves, necessarily. It notices what it is seeking is imaginary and that obtaining that (coffee) won’t result in the thing it wants (the beautiful, peaceful, mental image). The energy is still there but with nowhere to land. It often makes other suggestions, but similarly, they are seen through.

This is a crack in the illusion of coherence — where you see that the body is fine, but thought insists on a problem. It’s like the mind was preloaded with a script and is just looking for someone to cast.
But if no role is taken up — what happens to the script?

Hmm. That’s interesting. I think this happens kind of often, where the body feels fine but the mind is dissatisfied. There’s this deeply ingrained belief of “NOT GOOD ENOUGH” that likes to express itself energetically from time to time. I wonder if there is a deeper energy driving this that I’m not looking hard enough to see. My dad has this exact same pattern and it’s really familiar to me. It’s possible that it needs deeper stillness and more looking.

If the role of dissatisfaction is not taken up, I suppose the script will wither and dry up. This doesn’t feel like an option at the moment though - I think there might be a deeper energy in the body and nervous system that hasn’t been noticed yet.

the mind digging for content — is just another sneaky self-improvement project. It wants to “manage healing.” But healing isn’t managed. It unfolds - like digestion, like sleep, like rain.

This wasn't one of your questions, but I just loved the way you said this so much. This distinction between thoughts and memories that arrive without choice and with deep aliveness right now and thoughts and memories that are dug out of their graves and reanimated is such an important one, and one that has only recently become incredibly clear to me.

It’s not the past that’s “coming back.” It’s a thought now, a sensation now, a label now.
The moment you look for the actual event, it’s not here.
What is here?

A self improvement project, again. Cringe memories come up as an egoic way of trying to motivate the self to be better and try harder. These memories are typically fuel for improvement and come with an implicit belief that they can be learned from and transcended and will result in a “me” that is so much better than before, and very much above any kind of shame or embarrassment or faux pas. They depend on an assumption of a self to be improved.

I think this is interesting in light of the previous comment of “living” memories versus “reanimated” memories. While I’m not consciously digging around for cringe memories, I wonder if the subconscious mind is. These thoughts feel a bit more like the reanimated type - as if some part of myself that’s beyond conscious awareness is keeping a list of ways that it feels it should be better. They also feel like they have been processed by the nervous system already, and there is a thought of “this is so embarrassing!” attached to it. It doesn’t feel authentically here and now, like when the nervous system is actively loosening something.

So if the cringe is this, now — what happens when it’s just met as this, without the label?

It’s a belief (I can improve) based on an assumption (there is someone to improve).

It’s also just a thought, one that historically, would get a lot of attention and emotional investment and be treated as important. These types of thoughts have been conditioned to come up frequently.

I think this is why seeing the difference between healing unfolding and trying to manage healing was so important.

If no labels were added — not “memory,” not “cringe,” not “processing,” not “shouldn’t be here” or “I already dealt with this”… What’s actually going on?

The mind just spinning, and perhaps looking for engagement and attention.

Hi Lanie
I really loved reading your reflections — the clarity, nuance, and humour you bring into this unfolding is so alive.
You’re pointing beautifully to the difference between what might be called “living” memories (those that arise spontaneously, with an energetic charge, unfolding in real time) and the more “reanimated” type — thoughts the mind seems to dig up, sometimes in the name of self-improvement. That distinction feels so helpful.

You brought up the subconscious again:

...as if some part of myself that’s beyond conscious awareness is keeping a list…

That’s such a common way to describe it — and it's completely understandable. But let’s look closely. Is there such a thing??
There’s no hidden control room. No mastermind filing cabinets. No subconscious agent (manager) doing something behind the scenes. What we often call “subconscious” is just less dominant thought patterns — stuff that arises without being "consciously" narrated (thoughts about thoughts). Just randomly appearing other potential angles of the story. All thoughts are beliefs – some are already seen through and some are not. But when these thoughts appear… they’re here, now, just like any other thought. Even the so called intuitions and subconscious revelations. It’s unsettling for the mind to acknowledge that all it spins is meaningless BS, however it has its purpose even if it is a mystery what it is.
So sometimes these thoughts say:

I’ve been hiding in the basement, managing your unresolved stuff.

But even that? Just a thought. Not an origin story. Not a map of the psyche.
Just the content of whatever’s appearing right now.
And as you already saw so clearly:

These thoughts have been conditioned to come up frequently.

Yes — frequency isn’t evidence of depth or importance. Just repetition. And even that is not completely true – just a feeling of déjà vu, as there is no time where they could possible repeat.
There’s no hidden processor feeding you lessons from the past.
There’s just what’s showing up— now.
So maybe the idea of a subconscious itself is one of those icons on the desktop.
You don’t have to delete it. But you also don’t have to believe there’s a basement and interesting stuff to be dug out.
When beliefs come "to the surface" (they just appear), they are seen and compared to what is – whatever doesn’t fit falls away. This is a never ending “process” as all we know is a belief, however seeing “known” as an icon does the job and this is when the seeking drops. At that point it become a flow.
Love
Rali

Hi Rali,

I’m having a (perhaps) strange experience. I get kind of down from time to time and have been in a bit of a depressive mood for the past few weeks. Everything I direct my attention to the mind latches onto as the cause of the feeling, but it’s not believed. I think I just feel this way for no actual reason. The thoughts are very annoying and also more compelling than usual, despite not being believed. I thought for a while that the thoughts were causing the feeling, but I think they’re just striving to build coherence and make sense of the feeling. The feeling just is, for now.

Is there such a thing?? (as a subconscious)

Yikes, this question was pretty hard. I feel like there is a subconscious, in a way. There are patterns and conditioning and habits. There are things we inherit from our parents and our culture.

And I get a sensation from time to time where it feels like a low tide of the soul and there’s a lot of visibility and all of the little critters that we usually can’t see are just paddling around in little tide pools, plainly visible. And for the duration of the low tide, I can see parts of my own conditioning or nervous system, some of which need attention. Then the tide comes back up and they are no longer accessible, until months or years later when I find myself working through those issues. I tend to call this part of myself the subconscious, or maybe the shadow.

I think the subconscious operates by the same principles we were talking about the other day with the nervous system and memory. You can’t excavate your subconscious. Don’t dig around looking for stuff; sit back and wait, allow it to come out when it’s ready. There’s no doer here. I think the issue with a subconscious might be a desire to identify with it. It’s easy to identify with habits, or traumas, self improvement, or shame over inability to change, or to think “my” subconscious or to take the issues that might be there are personal. But they just blink in and out of existence and awareness just like everything else.

Hi Lanie,

I get kind of down from time to time and have been in a bit of a depressive mood for the past few weeks…I thought for a while that the thoughts were causing the feeling, but I think they’re just striving to build coherence and make sense of the feeling. The feeling just is, for now.

The way you describe the mind trying to pin the feeling on different stories — but without really buying them — is a beautiful moment of clarity. It shows how deeply conditioned the system is to explain, even when no explanation quite lands. The mind wants coherence, and the stories give it something to do. Something to manage. But even in the realm of cause and effect there so many possible chains – it could be the lack of sunshine (being winter), or diet (so much talk about fiber and gut bacteria these days), vitamin D or whatever. Mind choses the one it loves – that bring the most drama for entertainment :)

And that’s often how the idea of “the subconscious” comes in, too.

I feel like there is a subconscious, in a way. There are patterns and conditioning and habits. There are things we inherit from our parents and our culture.

And I get a sensation from time to time where it feels like a low tide of the soul and there’s a lot of visibility and all of the little critters that we usually can’t see are just paddling around in little tide pools, plainly visible.

It can seem like there’s some hidden realm of patterns and material that needs to be brought to light, healed, processed. But if you look closer — is that anything more than a narrative? Another layer of cause-and-effect thinking designed to support the self-improvement project?
Most of what gets called “the subconscious” is just a conceptual way of explaining habits, reactions, moods. But those don’t need to be traced or “solved.” They can simply be felt. Fully, without digging. Without needing a “why.” The mind loves the digging. It’s so juicy, engaging and interesting – the drama, the shame, the guilt… and then the resolution, the achievement, the healing. And this is why psychoanalysis can take years – the story is addictive
And healing is something that happens in the story. It’s part of the narrative arc — “I had a trauma, I processed it, I’m better now.” And that’s okay. The story can unfold like that.
But direct experience doesn’t need healing.
It’s already whole — just sound, movement, sensation, colour. The body contracts, the thought comes, the weather changes. None of it needs to be resolved. It’s all just happening, now.
And as you’ve seen — even when the story keeps running (as it will), it doesn’t need to be believed. It can just be seen for what it is: another icon on the desktop. No need to delete it. No need to fix it. Just not mistake it for something real.
You don’t need to understand why the emotion comes. Not what it’s made of. Not what belief it points to. Not what trauma it echoes. All of that is secondary narrative.
Here’s what matters:
Let the emotion rise. Let it fully be what it is—hot, tight, sharp, heavy.
Don’t name it. Don’t touch it. Don’t ask questions.
Just be burned by it. No trying to get somewhere. No trying to learn from it.
Just let it burn.
Freedom comes not from being free from unpleasant emotions, but from being OK with whatever arises – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Psychotherapy aims to help individuals function better, often by managing or reframing their experiences within the existing framework of a self. And here is the major difference with inquiry. While psychotherapy aims to heal and adapt the individual self, inquiry aims to reveal the illusory nature of the self itself and the constructs it creates, by pointing directly to the raw, unfiltered experience of reality. The insights gained through inquiry are meant for "practical application" in everyday life, transforming how one experiences the world, rather than remaining a mere intellectual understanding.

So the moment something sticky arises—fear, resistance, sadness— you don’t go looking for a belief. You don't try and find its roots and origin. You don't try to make it better.
All you need to do is you feel it fully, and if inquiry arises from that, it’s already cutting.
It might sound like:
Is this sadness here, or just the label ‘sadness’?
Without the word ‘shame’, what is this?
Where is the one this is happening to?
That’s not conceptual. That’s surgical. If it’s used to escape, it’s avoidance/a distraction.
If it’s used to fully allow the experience, it’s freedom.
So no need for subconscious - nothing is hiding in the dark. All is here right now right here - whatever appears. Whatever is not here right now is an assumption, a good bedtime story about psychoanalysis. All that needs to be done is just "experiencing" it - whatever is here. Not that there is experiencing AND experience - the gap is created by all that talk about trauma, reasons, subconscious etc.
And sadness? Yeah sadness doesn’t need a cure. Just gentleness. Maybe a warm hug. Maybe a plate of cookies (maybe ones with fiber ;) ). Something soft that doesn’t demand it go away.
Love
Rali

Hi Rali,

is that anything more than a narrative? Another layer of cause-and-effect thinking designed to support the self-improvement project?

I’m really struggling with this and feel like I’m going through some sort of withdrawal as I wean myself off the addiction of story.

Normally, when I feel down, I do things like journal, or go for a walk. I’m sitting with the physical sensations in this time, but also the stories. Things process. I start to feel better. But…. that might be a story too and imagined cause and effect and another illusion of control.

I can’t journal or sit with the story anymore; it just falls apart and there’s nothing to say and no conviction that the story is related to the feeling. But no other explanation has come up and it feels like a craving, and the mind is looking for solidity so it keeps grabbing at stories with tremendous energy. There’s a mental lunging at passing thoughts, reflexively believing them, and then seeing that they’re empty.

Without the explanation to land on or a cause to attribute the feeling to, the mind feels like it’s just in freefall. There’s nothing solid to grab on to.

Let the emotion rise. Let it fully be what it is—hot, tight, sharp, heavy.
Don’t name it. Don’t touch it. Don’t ask questions.
Just be burned by it. No trying to get somewhere. No trying to learn from it.
Just let it burn.

I like this, and also hate it. The desire to fix myself and heal myself and resolve my insecurities is powerful. It feels like an addiction. The stories were vital in self-improvement and I hate not having them.

Is this sadness here, or just the label ‘sadness’?
Without the word ‘shame’, what is this?
Where is the one this is happening to?

There’s a tension in the chest, and a kind of sick feeling in the belly.

Whenever the mind lunges at the story, the story feeds the feeling. If it lunges at a sad story, feelings of grief and loss feel stronger, and that sense of an empty pit in the centre of me. If it lunges at an angry story, there’s tension in the chest and heat. The feelings are all dark and heavy, but the specific flavour is due to the thoughts.

And who is this happening to? When it’s just sensation, it’s just energy. There’s no victim of this, until the stories come up. Then it’s happening to ME, specifically.

Lanie,
Thank you for sharing this so openly — this is incredibly raw, tender, and honest. You're right in the heart of something essential here.

I’m really struggling with this and feel like I’m going through some sort of withdrawal as I wean myself off the addiction of story.
…
Without the explanation to land on or a cause to attribute the feeling to, the mind feels like it’s just in freefall. There’s nothing solid to grab on to.

This isn’t failure. It’s withdrawal from the story of self. And yes, it can feel like freefall — because the mind has spent a lifetime building a platform out of story, meaning, journaling, explanation, fixing. And now… the tools are dropping away. But not because they’re being taken. Because they’re seen through.
And in that space — what’s left?

I gave you this video before but maybe it will resonate better this time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJQcD588g2w

You’re already seeing it:
The lunging for coherence. The habit of adding cause and effect. The craving for the story to mean something — so it can be managed, tracked, improved. And the collapse of all of that, revealing... just this. Just energy, raw, unlabelled, ownerless.
You said it beautifully:

There’s no victim of this, until the stories come up.

That’s it. That’s the core insight here. Sensation is just sensation. No sadness, no grief, no history, no “my trauma.” The story is the glue that makes it “mine,” that personalizes it, that resurrects the fixer and the one needing fixing.
And now the mind is scrambling, not because anything is wrong, but because its entire job description is being dissolved. It thinks the story is the way out. So it keeps returning to what’s familiar: cause-and-effect, journaling, working through, managing emotions. But that whole system is being retired.
This is the space where the seeking structure starts to unravel — not in a blaze of fireworks, but in the quiet falling away of what no longer holds up. That feels like loss. And it is — the loss of the illusion of control.
So what now?
The sadness doesn’t need to be explained. The sick feeling in the belly doesn’t need a narrative. The longing for solidity can just be felt as longing, without needing a solution.
It’s okay to grieve the loss of the story. The story of a self improving, healing, becoming. It’s okay to feel like something is dying — because something is. But what’s left is more alive than what was imagined.
And even if the mind returns with new stories, new versions of “what this means,” that’s fine too. It’s just weather. It doesn’t mean anything about what you are. That’s not your sadness — it’s just sadness. Not your confusion — just confusion. And not even that. No one owns the weather.
So maybe just a gentle question to carry:
If the story is no longer needed… what’s already here?
With love and a plate of imaginary cookies
Rali

Hi Rali,

This isn’t failure. It’s withdrawal from the story of self. And yes, it can feel like freefall — because the mind has spent a lifetime building a platform out of story, meaning, journaling, explanation, fixing. And now… the tools are dropping away. But not because they’re being taken. Because they’re seen through.
And in that space — what’s left?

Sensation, mainly. But also, sometimes, more story?

I think there is some confusion between repressing/denying the story, fixating on the story, and non-dual letting the story come and go like the weather. I’ve certainly bounced back and forth between the first two things quite a bit, but slowly, the non-dual allowing story without grabbing story has been becoming clearer. I think it’s what we’ve been talking about last week, with the nervous system releasing something (where thoughts / stories might accompany the release, but it’s probably sensation first) as opposed to the mind digging (story first, and then sensation).

I’m still experiencing some really heavy sensations, and sometimes they pop up really strongly with a story fully part of it. It only stays for 20 seconds or so, and then it disappears, until another one pops up. I was trying to unhook from the story for a while by rejecting it and being ONLY with sensation, but that seemed to make it worse. Allowing the story to be there has made these experiences feel more like a valve relieving some internal pressure when they come up.

And even if the mind returns with new stories, new versions of “what this means,” that’s fine too. It’s just weather. It doesn’t mean anything about what you are. That’s not your sadness — it’s just sadness. Not your confusion — just confusion. And not even that. No one owns the weather.
So maybe just a gentle question to carry:
If the story is no longer needed… what’s already here?

I like the line “no one owns the weather.” I keep wondering who sadness is happening to, who anxiety is happening to. In stories, there are victims. In experience, there are only sensations.

I think I’m struggling a bit with my husband’s disease. I can see him changing and it is really destabilizing. There’s a tendency to notice a shift in behaviour or personality and try and understand what that means, but there’s confusion about when to stop with stories and when to just allow them. And it does feel like it’s happening to me. And I do feel like a victim of this circumstance. Basically, I can’t find my way out of this particular story and what is the difference between non-identifying with the story and denial.

Hi Lanie
This is what deepening looks like: the old tools falling away while life keeps lifing — sometimes gently, sometimes not.
You said something that really stood out:

In stories, there are victims. In experience, there are only sensations.

That’s a deep, but even that seeing doesn’t mean that stories disappear or become irrelevant - they still arise. And sometimes, like you’re describing with your husband, they carry a real emotional weight. The mind wants to understand, to stabilize, to protect, to create meaning for this intensity. That’s not a fault — it’s love, appearing as mental activity. So, here’s something important…Non-identification isn’t the same as denial.
Denial pushes the story away. Fixation clings to it.
Non-identification allows it to appear, without building a home in it.
And what you’re doing now — letting the story come, letting it be felt, without having to believe it’s truth — that’s it. That’s the unwinding. Let the valve open. This is not about rejecting the story, but no longer taking it as the whole.
I hope you see that the idea that sensation is "first" and the story follows, or vice versa is just another attempt at a map. there is no first or second, it’s all one lava lamp, moving. Sometimes the heat bubbles up as a thought, sometimes a wave in the belly, sometimes both at once.
And in moments like this —your partner is ill, the ground feels unsteady — the mind reaches for stories because it’s looking for safety. Of course it is. It’s not wrong. But you’re seeing more clearly now that the story isn't the safety. The safety is already here — in the allowing.
So maybe the question isn’t “How do I get out of this story?”
Maybe it’s…Can this story be just what it is — no fixing, no rejecting, no owner — and still be allowed to pass through like the weather? Even the sad ones. Even the scary ones.
Sometimes that means being really gentle with yourself. Maybe not sitting in the middle of the storm, but making a cup of tea and letting it all swirl in the background. Not as avoidance, but as kindness.
“No one owns the weather” doesn’t mean storms don’t happen. It means there’s no one left to be swept away, but also no one to go looking for stories to be resolved or sat with.
Love
Rali

Hi Rali,

I think I'm confused about stories. You said in your last message that seeing through stories doesn't make them irrelevant and that they still arise. You also mentioned not rejecting the story but not accepting it as the whole truth.

Previously, I was dismissing stories and trying to not give them any attention, and trying to actively disbelieve them. That was quite hard.

A better path might be accepting them as another appearance in experience. We don’t really know the extent that they are “true” but they are appearing, based on causes and conditions, regardless.

The goal with this approach might be to not identify with the main character of the story. So if something bad happened to me in the past and it comes up as a story, to really see that the person that it happened to isn’t here now and was never really there at all.

Can this story be just what it is — no fixing, no rejecting, no owner — and still be allowed to pass through like the weather?

I think the trick here is how not to own the stories. I think about the stories swirling through my mind about my husband’s illness. Mostly stories about how difficult it is and fears about the future. It’s clear that this sort of stuff is just what the mind does. It plans out, guesses, predicts, prepares in the only way it knows how. It isn’t truth or reality.

But still there is identification. There is a feeling that all of this is happening to ME.

In DE, I’m sitting in my bed, warm and comfortable, typing this up. Everything is fine, we’re warm and safe, there are literally no problems at all. The story spins out with dire predictions, and I can let that go on and try not to get too involved in it.

But there’s a question of spiritual bypassing. While everything absolutely is fine right now, my husband still has an awful diagnosis and there will be huge problems ahead. Is that story, to be ignored, or allowed to run quietly in the background? Am I owning this story, by pulling on it in this way?

I’m really not sure how to drop ownership without spiritual bypassing.

Sometimes that means being really gentle with yourself. Maybe not sitting in the middle of the storm, but making a cup of tea and letting it all swirl in the background. Not as avoidance, but as kindness.

This resonates too. There’s a strong tendency to tough it out and be overly scrupulous in times of difficulty. But making a cup of tea and watching a movie is good too. :)