The Gate

If there is no one seeing, no one feeling, no one hearing—then where is Maya? Or Deborah? :)

Look without flinching.

Can you find her anywhere—in sight, in sensation, in sound, in thought?

Or is she only ever a ripple in memory, a habit pretending presence?

Right now:
Is there anything missing?
Is there anything to wait for?

-Becca

If there is no one seeing, no one feeling, no one hearing—then where is Maya? Or Deborah? :)

Wow, Becca - that did startle me a bit. But, unfortunately, not enough to push me over the edge. :( I get it, I understand, and I can’t find Deborah or any separate self anywhere, but for whatever reason, it just hasn’t sunk in. When I look, I can see that she is only a ripple in memory. There is nothing missing; nothing to wait for. I see that I don’t need any more knowledge, I’ve made peace about my children (they have their own lives), and I have paid time from work if I need it.

I generally read your message in the morning and look, then look again throughout the day, and I looked again at lunch today and made many notes.

Please keep ‘em coming!
Thank you.

Warmly
Deborah :)

:)

Pivot slightly.

Who is the one looking?

If there is no Maya—who is saying it hasn’t sunk in?
Where is that voice coming from?
What owns that thought?
Can a ripple in memory realize or not realize anything?

This may be less like a bang and more like a whimper so the one who is prepared for some cliffhanging finale may be sorely disappointed. All this seeking energy, for what is just… already here.

What if there is no edge? What then?

Wow… good day, Becca! It’s crazy how you pinpointed these underlying beliefs right away. Thank you. I didn’t even realize they were there.

Who is the one looking?

That’s a good question! It must be thought because Awareness is not a looker. It doesn’t need any looking. It simply is.

If there is no Maya—who is saying it hasn’t sunk in?
Where is that voice coming from?
What owns that thought?
Can a ripple in memory realize or not realize anything

Again - it’s thought ‘saying’ that.
The voice is coming from nowhere/mind
No one owns that thought.
Nor can a ripple in memory realize or not realize anything.

I looked and looked last night. I examined those beliefs and couldn’t find the person who apparently thinks them/owns them.

This may be less like a bang and more like a whimper so the one who is prepared for some cliffhanging finale may be sorely disappointed. All this seeking energy, for what is just… already here.

Wow… yes. Thank you! I sat in the simplicity of what IS for quite some time after reading that. I noticed a tree swaying in the wind outside my window and caught thought the instant it started to make a story out of it. I’m perfectly okay to leave the cliff hanging out of things. Resting in what is as it is, is perfectly wonderful, too.

What if there is no edge? What then?

Yeah, I don’t know…. A lot less fear, less apprehension. It feels a lot better.

Warmly
Deborah

Beautiful.

I sat in the simplicity of what IS for quite some time after reading that. I noticed a tree swaying in the wind outside my window and caught thought the instant it started to make a story out of it. I’m perfectly okay to leave the cliff hanging out of things. Resting in what is as it is, is perfectly wonderful, too.

So… No inquiries today… no doing.
Just marinate in it, all of it directly.
All day.

Don’t touch it with thought. Let the sensation of the room, the visual flicker of these words, the ambient sounds—be exactly as they are.

Just the naked, raw fact of THIS.

Write what emerges. Not from a story, a narrative, about it but from the rawness of what is present whenever there is a natural movement to sit down and type.

:)
Becca

Hi Becca,

So… No inquiries today… no doing.
Just marinate in it, all of it directly.
All day.

I wish that I could have just marinated all day, but such was not the case. Instead it was a rather hectic, charged day thought-wise. Work was busy and along with it, lots of stories. A run-in with someone from the past seemed to provide the mind with a field day of non-stop thoughts.

I did have a few minutes at lunch to relax and BE, but the constant barrage of thoughts made it difficult to stay there (even though I’m always there ;) ), the mind was very busy.

After work I went for a walk and as much as I tried to focus on the sounds of my steps or other sounds, thoughts came quickly and I couldn’t get more than a few steps of quietude. Finally, I noticed that I’d been resisting thoughts all day and decided to accept them; accept this busy mind and let it all be okay. It didn’t calm down the thinking, but I felt better letting go of some of that tension/grasping.

So, a bit of a flop, exercise-wise, but lots of awareness of thoughts, triggers, and accepting of underlying feelings.

Thank you, Becca!

Warmly
Deborah

Haha perfect!

You did marinate. There was no option not to. Marination never stopped.

Sensations of work.
Mental storm.
Tension.
This run-in.
Walking.
All of it was the raw fact of THIS. You just didn’t like the flavor!

The “busy mind” wasn’t the problem. The belief that it shouldn’t be busy, that’s what obscured the rawness.

So, a bit of a flop, exercise-wise

That? That’s the mind touching it.
That’s the narrative about what happened.

Finally, I noticed that I’d been resisting thoughts all day

Yes. That was it. That was the actual barrier. Not the thoughts.
The resistance was the suffering. The rejection of the present. Not the content. The push against it.

So…
Tomorrow, one inquiry, on repeat:
What is happening in this exact moment that is not allowed?

Inquire in the body, in direct experience.


:)
-Becca

Hi Becca,

Wow… thank you! You exposed even more subtle misbeliefs here.

You did marinate. There was no option not to. Marination never stopped.

Yes, you are absolutely right – there is nothing but marination ALL the time. THIS is it. No special state or feeling; not a state of bliss all the time. I guess I got skewed by listening to other people’s stories about their awakening experience and either misunderstood or the mind interpreted it some other way, or a bit of both. IDK.

All of it was the raw fact of THIS. You just didn’t like the flavor!

Oh my goodness, yes! I didn’t like the flavor at all. I believed that everything was interrupting an ideal state that I wanted so I could focus my attention on what I thought was necessary/required. Funny! ‘Believed’, ‘thought’ – there’s a whole bunch of mind going on there!

The resistance was the suffering. The rejection of the present. Not the content. The push against it.

I see that so much more clearly now. Thank you for this. Thought, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get this not resisting stuff.” It seems to be such a strong habit to resist almost everything.

Tomorrow, one inquiry, on repeat:
What is happening in this exact moment that is not allowed?

Inquire in the body, in direct experience.

So, I took a screenshot of your note and referred to it several times throughout the day, and EVERY time I brought myself back to the present moment, my shoulders released and my body relaxed. I really have had no idea just how much tension I actually hold in the body throughout the day. I was quite surprised. No wonder I’m exhausted by the end of the week! I think I understand that tension of selfing more - it literally is trying to hold itself together. Is that what the constantly repeating and spinning stories do? Create that tension so as to hold that false self together? So interesting.

What was happening that ‘wasn’t allowed’? Negative, critical, judgmental conversation of others around me, trying to make sure that I do everything right or well, feeling a need to chime in and agree on some things so I’m not rejected, no time to be still, having to work, being cold from air conditioning when it's so warm outside; lots of pressure to do or be a certain way - which usually isn't who I am or want to be (and all the stories that go along with all those things). Looking back there also seems to be a lot of underlying fear... very subtle, though.

Thank you, Becca! I’m grateful for your guidance.

Warmly
Deborah

Hello Deborah,

I guess I got skewed by listening to other people’s stories about their awakening experience and either misunderstood or the mind interpreted it some other way, or a bit of both.

Expectations exist. That is why we ask about them, but it is common for more to be revealed in this process of looking. But where do expectations live? Are they anywhere other than a thought? Another search for what is not?

Keep coming back to what is here prior to a thought about it…

It seems to be such a strong habit to resist almost everything.

Yes. Because the false self—the seeker, the doer, the controller—is held together entirely by resistance. All that tension you feel is the effort it takes to pretend to be someone.

So here is today’s inquiry:

>>What am I trying to change about this moment?<<

In the moment you ask that, don’t go to thought. Go to your chest, your throat, your gut. Stay inside the rawness. What wants to change? What doesn’t want to feel this? Hold your attention there until the urge reveals itself.

Become intimately acquainted with this subtle fear you describe. Is it any more than a sensation that had some interpretation slapped on top?

All of it, the whole structure of “me,” is built on pushing this moment away.

And then look a layer deeper: Is there a self doing the pushing, or is pushing just happening?

Are ‘you’ holding tension or is tension happening?
Are ‘you’ resisting or are some sensations (that are labeled by thought as resistance) appearing?

Feel it all today. Not conceptually. Not with interpretation. Feel the pressure in the body as long as it takes for the story to unravel.

Much love,
Becca

Thank you, Becca!

Are they anywhere other than a thought? Another search for what is not?

True. I SEE that. Just thoughts coming and going IN this which never changes (which I, apparently, truly am, even though it doesn’t feel like it… yet. And, even though, maybe this exactly as it is, is what it feels like - IDK).

Keep coming back to what is here prior to a thought about it…

My goodness (!) If I could just remember to do this. Work days are so full and hectic, I’m lucky if I have a few seconds to be with the exercises you give me.

All that tension you feel is the effort it takes to pretend to be someone.

Wow - that’s a lot of tension. And I feel it. I’m so tired of pretending!


Today’s exercise:
It was very challenging not to engage in thought because the moment I put my attention on the sensation (usually in the shoulders and chest), thought would come in and start to label. I stuck with it, though, and did my best to let thoughts be there without engaging with them.

What wants to change? What doesn’t want to feel this?

I couldn’t find anything. Sometimes a memory-thought would come up of being a little girl, but I don’t think it’s the little girl because she’s just a thought, too. I think it’s all thought that wants change and doesn’t want to feel the feelings of fear, discomfort, awkwardness, rejection, not knowing what to and wanting to. At least those were some of things I looked at today.

Become intimately acquainted with this subtle fear you describe. Is it any more than a sensation that had some interpretation slapped on top?

Yes, I see this very clearly. If I stay with the raw experience, it’s just sensation with interpretation.

Is there a self doing the pushing, or is pushing just happening?

I can’t find a self; just pushing happening, tension happening, sensations appearing with various labels from thought.

Feel it all today. Not conceptually. Not with interpretation. Feel the pressure in the body as long as it takes for the story to unravel.

This is challenging as I don't have time to sit with things except for a few minutes in the morning, at lunch, and in the evening. When I did, though, any tension seemed to disappear quite quickly.

Warmly
Deborah

Hello Deborah,

You’re doing great. Continue to Look daily with whatever is present and the rest will unfold.

I couldn’t find anything. Sometimes a memory-thought would come up of being a little girl, but I don’t think it’s the little girl because she’s just a thought, too. I think it’s all thought that wants change and doesn’t want to feel the feelings of fear, discomfort, awkwardness, rejection, not knowing what to and wanting to.

This is not nothing!

Yes, the interpretation of the little girl is a thought but the image or memory is coming up as the body’s way of showing what all this is about. The foundation of discomfort. Perhaps when the avoidance of fully feeling as a strategy to control what was not controllable began.

Yes, on one level, there is just now. Past only exists in thought. But the strategies learned by the whole system are habitual, and coming up now to be dismantled.

So go all in today (and tomorrow if today is hectic). Spend a lot of time listening to the sensations of tension. What do they have to show you directly, outside of thought or interpretation?

Spend some time too with the little girl. What does she need to feel fully that was not accessible/possible at the time of the memory? What is all this tension protecting? What is behind it?

None of these questions are for the mind, they are experiential. I think you know how to Look now, so look into them and be present to other non-linear ways the system wants to communicate about what is underneath this embodied fear or tension: images, sounds, memories, fragments of things or a complete sudden understanding may come that is not interpretation.

Begin with the shoulders and chest and stay open. If the holding moves to other places look there.

This is deep work. Take space for it. It may not need much ‘time’ but it does require a space of safety to be with whatever emerges.

Here to support,
Becca

Hi Becca,

Thank you!

This is not nothing!
Yes, the interpretation of the little girl is a thought but the image or memory is coming up as the body’s way of showing what all this is about. The foundation of discomfort. Perhaps when the avoidance of fully feeling as a strategy to control what was not controllable began.

Oh my! I can’t believe that I didn’t see that. I’ve done so much work on myself (Deborah, the character) that I’m baffled that I didn’t see it. Thank you for showing me that blind spot. That makes perfect sense. I feel like I could just sit with that for a day.

The last sentence really registered here.

But the strategies learned by the whole system are habitual, and coming up now to be dismantled.

This also makes sense. Lately, as I’ve become more of aware of stories, particularly looping stories, and after listening to Angelo Delullo and Ilona, I’ve begun to look at those looping thoughts to see what is beneath them, and often I find different feelings like longing, loneliness, etc, and now I acknowledge them, feel them and let them go - doing my best not to engage in story. Once I do that, they’re gone. The looping stops.

So go all in today (and tomorrow if today is hectic). Spend a lot of time listening to the sensations of tension. What do they have to show you directly, outside of thought or interpretation?

I’d like to do this tonight and tomorrow, as I didn’t have time to do this today.

Spend some time too with the little girl. What does she need to feel fully that was not accessible/possible at the time of the memory? What is all this tension protecting? What is behind it?

This one got me the moment I read it.
I felt immediately that the tension was protecting her from dissolving into nothing - not being noticed, aka not being loved. Which is so ironic because now that is all I want - to dissolve. (Pause) Oh, wow – that’s more thought. The character wanted to be seen and loved, but now it sees awakening as the opportunity (apparently) to avoid pain and suffering by ‘dissolving’ into Nothing-ness. That’s just so typical of the personality here. Wow.

I apologize - this is probably too much head stuff.

Spend some time too with the little girl. What does she need to feel fully that was not accessible/possible at the time of the memory? What is all this tension protecting? What is behind it?

None of these questions are for the mind, they are experiential. I think you know how to Look now, so look into them and be present to other non-linear ways the system wants to communicate about what is underneath this embodied fear or tension: images, sounds, memories, fragments of things or a complete sudden understanding may come that is not interpretation.

Begin with the shoulders and chest and stay open. If the holding moves to other places look there.

This is deep work. Take space for it. It may not need much ‘time’ but it does require a space of safety to be with whatever emerges.

I’m going to sit with this as much as possible tomorrow.

Thank you, Becca! I’m very grateful for your guidance and support.

Warmly
Deborah

Lovely.

As you sit with this today…

felt immediately that the tension was protecting her from dissolving into nothing - not being noticed, aka not being loved. Which is so ironic because now that is all I want - to dissolve. (Pause) Oh, wow – that’s more thought. The character wanted to be seen and loved, but now it sees awakening as the opportunity (apparently) to avoid pain and suffering by ‘dissolving’ into Nothing-ness. That’s just so typical of the personality here. Wow

The only way out is through.

Feel it all. Fully. Get acquainted with the raw experience of anything and everything the tension was protecting from being felt.

The suffering is the resistance to this, what is.

Here if you could use support in this deep process,
Becca

Hi Becca,

Thank you. It’s been a bit of an emotional day, but not too much. It was very challenging to not get into story and reasoning, but I did my best to stay with the feelings/sensations.

Friday you had asked:

What is all this tension protecting? What is behind it?

Today, as I asked those questions and sat in the feeling answers, all I found was ‘me.’ All the feelings came back to ‘me’ - “look at me!,” “Love me,” “Accept me”. I saw how all those feelings of rejection led to the formation of the belief of not being good enough - “well, maybe if I just do this, look like this, then they’ll accept me/love me, etc” But even then, as there is now, there’s some resistance to being what others want me to be. Ah! I think that resistance might be the trying to hold on to being my own person by NOT being/becoming what everyone else wants me to be. BUT - as I write, I see that that may also be more of the I-construct.

In a nutshell - Behind the tension was the false-I; the ‘me’ that I think I am. And a lot of fear. I noticed more fear tied up with that ‘me.’

I don’t know what to do to break the spell. Maybe that’s just a story, too.

Thank you, Becca.

Warmly
Deborah

Very nice work here.

It was very challenging to not get into story and reasoning

Yes, because you are looking at the very root of the thing that is being exposed here…

there’s some resistance to being what others want me to be. Ah! I think that resistance might be the trying to hold on to being my own person by NOT being/becoming what everyone else wants me to be. BUT - as I write, I see that that may also be more of the I-construct

Yes, if you became what others wanted, you’d betray the “me” that says “I’m different.” And yet, if you resist becoming what others want, you still serve the same master: the imagined self. Either way, you’re reinforcing the illusion of there being a someone at stake.

Both the longing for love and the resistance are just more “me.”
Now, can you find this “me” in direct experience? Not the feeling! Not the thought! The actual entity.

Close your eyes. Go into the raw physicality of the tension.
What is it protecting?
What does it fear will/could happen if it dissolves completely?

Let the fear get louder. Let the contraction get stronger. Then: drop the narrative. Go into the sensation as deeply as you can, WITHOUT trying to fix it. Get intimate with it. Let it expose the entire illusion it’s protecting. Stay with it, and continue to follow and look if it shifts or moves.


What happened when you let the fear and sensation rise without labeling?
Did it lead to anything solid?
Was there an actual, direct experience of “you” there, in the middle of it?

Much love,
Becca