The Gate

A family member said something that reminded me of a painful memory from childhood.

The memory arose, as did some physical feelings (tightness in my solar plexus and throat).

But what happened after that was the thought: “I can’t believe this was something I still have to deal with”.

The contraction persisted because of the thought this the memory and the feelings belong to Me.

This is really eye-opening because it shows how some thoughts/experiences have some I-thoughts that are very tightly bound to them.

But when I put my attention on these I-thoughts, the emotions and memories still come up, but the feeling of “woe is me” is completely gone… because in that moment I rest in realization that there is no Me who is there to suffer about it

Back up just one step.

What is memory exactly?
What is the memory ‘made of’?
WHEN does the memory appear?

Recall a scene from the past. Try grasping the scene with your hand (literally). What happened? Could you grasp it?

What is the exact difference between a ‘general’ thought and a ‘memory’ thought?

A memory is just another thought. I “remember” something, but it’s just the Me reconstructing experience around Myself.

The memory is made of nothing, it just comes up on its own. I can’t touch it with my hand because it’s just a thought.

Thoughts about experience come up *now*. Sometimes it feels like memories send me back to the past, but they’re all just arising right now.

Oddly, as I’m working through this with you, I sense further resistance. I don’t want to believe that even memories are I-thoughts. Yet inspecting it further, they too have no owner.

Tell me about this resistance.
Is it a sensation? Another thought?
Does it have a center?

I don’t want to believe that even memories are I-thoughts. Yet inspecting it further, they too have no owner.

Who doesn’t want to believe?

Really stop and hold the line: what would it mean if even memories—the precious archive of *my* life—were just I-thoughts?

Wouldn’t that mean… there’s nothing left of the person? That even the “past” was just stitched together by a ghost?

Not a metaphor. Not philosophy. Fact.

Where is the past right now, other than as a thought occurring now?

And if it’s a thought, and that thought has no owner, no center, no “me” holding it…

Then who remembers? Who suffered? Who is healing? Who’s on a path?

Can you find that one?

Thank you for not letting me wriggle away from looking 🙏🏽

I keep looking for the resister, the rememberer, and when I look, all that is found is:
- seeing
- writing
- hearing
- looking
- thinking
- fantasizing
- claiming
- smelling
- feeling
- remembering
- craving
- wanting
- expecting

I can’t find a center for all of this. I do see a thought that comes in a moment later to then place a collar around “all of this” and saying “mine”. The “memory” thought especially places a tight collar around experience. But it’s just a thought.

But I’m beginning to see that even memories, even the smallest of flickers of thought, are part of the field of stuff that is simply here without an owner.

I sense even when I’m looking, that there is a thought that wants everything to simple stop / be controllable, so that “I” can look from here to see “that” - as if “I” here will discover “no-self” out there. I experience this as tightness / contraction.

When I relax, spaciousness… Worried little thoughts trying to make sense of the spaciousness… thoughts are part of the spaciousness…

Sit quietly and relax, take your time just looking at what is in front of you for awhile.

Observe how the mind is dividing and labelling every thing into objects and is embellishing them with stories about what they are.

Give it some time

Then, stop watching the objects as labelled objects. Just look at the seeing itself. Observe the pure process of seeing.

*******

The mind divides, names, compares. Let it.

Watch the labelling happen like clouds passing through sky.

Don’t touch it. Don’t believe it. Don’t fight it.

Then—without forcing anything—shift.

Stop watching the objects.
Stop looking at things.

Instead, drop into the raw seeing itself.

Not what is seen. Not even who is seeing.

Just this open, edgeless seeing.

No center. No boundary. No subject or object.

Not even “you” seeing.

Just this.

Stay here.

What emerges?

What now needs to be found?

I’ve hit a hard wall here. A lot of confusion. Frustrated that I can’t “figure it out”. Feeling tension rippling around my entire skull and face. I can’t shake the subtle sense that there is a Me peering out from that sphere of seeing emanating from behind the eyes.

Thank you for sharing.

Stay here.

This is the exact pressure point—the illusion bleeding out in its death throes. Don’t flinch. Don’t analyze. Don’t escape into interpretation.

I can’t shake the subtle sense that there is a Me peering out from that sphere of seeing emanating from behind the eyes.

So stop. Don’t fight that sensation. Turn and face it directly.

Feel that tension, the contraction behind the eyes—the “me”-feeling. That pressure in the skull. That sense of location.

Now: Look at it like you’d look at a mirage.

Don’t explain it. Don’t try to make it go away. Just see what it actually is.

Is it a watcher?

Or is it just a cluster of sensations + a thought claiming “this is me”?

Can those sensations see?
Can they know anything?
Or are they just… felt?

Is there a seer behind the eyes—or only the thought of one?

If you don’t add a single thought to what’s happening right now…
is there a “you” behind the eyes at all?

Don’t give up. (There may be an eject button that gets pushed next… don’t take the bait.)

My head was about to explode! Had a splitting headache last night. Tossing and turning in sleep, head hurting.

This morning, a feeling of ease / relaxation, probably from an exhaustive "search".

Glimpses are popping up all day today ...

The "headache" belongs to no one. Just sensations arising. Thoughts arising "Ouch that hurts!"

The feeling of being Me is just sensations. Investigating if there is a solid Me feeling them leads to more sensations. Looking if there is a solid Me seeing leads to just seeing.

What's really helped is to not try to interpret or analyze...

A subtle surreal quality to experience. Gonna keep digging.

Headache is very common actually. Everything is shifting. In the end, we are turning ‘your’ world upside down.

You’re here. Stay here. Do not drift into ‘keep digging’ as if there’s some future carrot waiting. Nothing is coming. It’s this. Just this. :)

Let’s explore now:

Where is the one who ever claimed any of this?

Where is the one who was “seeking”? Where is the one who had a headache? Where is the one who now reports ease?

Don’t go to thought. Look. Scan. Stop. Is there any thing that was ever there, claiming this life?

Was it ever more than sensation + thought?

This is more fundamental than I realized. The feeling of there being a me “seeing” is just the thought that the seeing is me. The one who is reporting ease is just the thought that “I am at ease”. The one with the headache is just the thought that “I have a headache”.

It’s “all this”, which *includes* the thoughts themselves. The separation of self and not self is itself a thought, arising as “all this”. No separation.

The self is a thick bundle of thoughts. One after another.

YES.

And when there’s no identification with those thoughts—what’s left??

The thought “There is no self” is just a thought.

Is there anything behind that thought?

Anything behind any thought?

Is there anything—anything at all—that isn’t just this?

Now… describe what it’s like to live without a self. Not the idea of it.

How does this hit now? Don’t speak about it. Speak FROM it.

Thanks for your patience with me. I’m still getting accustomed to this, though “I’m getting accustomed” is just a thought :laughing:

There’s absolutely nothing to find. There’s nothing to get rid of. There’s nothing to fix. There’s nothing to crack or figure out or solve. There’s no exalted state to attain. There’s no permanent peace to realize. There’s no goal, there’s no path, there’s no seeker.

It’s everything as it is. Shockingly, this includes thoughts themselves, which come and go as they please.

There’s so much space, so much possibility, so much surprise, play, and vivid display. There are clouds I didn’t even know existed in my mind. There are clouds I didn’t even know I could just let pass by.

Wonderful.
:)

Circling back to the beginning:

What are you looking for at LU?
I have an intellectual understanding of no-self and I’m beginning to feel it but I want to get through.

In this moment, is there any trace of a separate entity—some ‘me’ that’s doing the witnessing, allowing, letting clouds pass?

What is it actually like, here, when nothing needs to change?

Keep reporting from this raw edge. Don’t tell me what you think. Show me what’s undeniably true.

Little ripples of bubbling little sensations from feet, calves, arms, lower belly.

Flickering impulses of thought, puffs of smoke, hello and good bye.

Space so wide and full and high and deep.

Attention contracts hard sometimes but then relaxes later, it’s all just the forever happening of things.

Sometimes, “selfing” grabs the wheel to look really hard at something, but then it drops away. There’s nothing really there but contraction and release, so even when this happens it’s just part of the landscape.

Nothing much to say. A lot of pause, quiet, still.

Everything is happening on its own. Everything is being done to itself by itself. It’s weird to describe it that way because it makes it sound mystical and psychedelic, but really it’s the most obvious ordinary basic thing ever!