Journeying beyond illusion

[OneReality]

Hi Elad

I am amazed at your quick responses! Thank you. I'm exhausted, this has been such an intense internal process, such deep digging, I almost feel burned up! I'm not going to talk much sense tonight, I'm too tired, I'll respond to your great question tomorrow, likely sometime after mid-day.

I will ponder that!

[Elad]

Lovely, feel free to take all the time you want at this point...

[OneReality]

Thanks Elad. I don't think I need more time. I jotted down quickly what came up last night after your last question. It's very short!

So, if someone came to you right now and said: You have not seen that there is no self, this is not true seeing!

What happens? What reactions, thoughts, feelings?

Nothing happens, there is no reaction, no protesting, there is no ‘thing’ that is piqued, thoughts don’t attach, no words, not much to feel. A smile. The image that arises on looking at this question is me gently taking the hand of that someone, us going outside, stripping off naked and dancing wildly in the rain! Freedom. It goes beyond words.

[Elad]

Beautiful!! 💚

Here are some check-point questions we like to ask... Please answer all of them in one message. Take all the time you want, enjoy!

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

ANSWER:

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

ANSWER:

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before we started this dialogue? Please report from the past couple of days.

ANSWER:

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look; as in what was a moment of shift if any?

ANSWER:

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control.

ANSWER:

6) What makes things happen? How does it work?

ANSWER:

7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

ANSWER:

8) Anything to add?

ANSWER

[OneReality]

Thank you Elad, and for giving me all the time I needed to respond to your check-point questions. I decided to get on with it and have answered to the best of my ability as honestly as I could, happy for you to question any blindspots or illusions! Here goes ... it's rather long.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

ANSWER: No, absolutely not. Self is a figment of the imagination, a mental construct, a word or idea with no substance. A term used in communication to distinguish a separation between me, you, others. A self was never born and will not die, because there is no self to be born or to die.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

ANSWER: The illusion back then – I am a separate entity, with a name, gender, address and other identifying labels. I have a boundary, I stop here, the world starts there. Somewhere inside of me there is a fixed thing, shape or texture unknown, but it’s there, it must be. It is separate from everything else, but mingles with other selves and forms in the world. It has its own set of views, habits, opinions, likes and dislikes. Building a character is encouraged, mustn’t sit on the fence, fight your corner in the world, be assertive. I got upset when things didn’t go the right way, noticed blame, resentment, jealousy, feeling miserable. I fell in love with other selves and wondered why things didn’t always work out, and depended upon the approval and love from others which sadly wasn’t there. ‘Why me?’ This caused me much pain, people, life, not behaving in the desired manner. ‘Why can’t they just …?’ The self gets attacked from all sides and has nowhere to run, no escape. Let’s hide away, can’t get bothered that way, except my mind comes with me, no escape from the unrelenting thought show.

Thinking back - the baby is born, that’s me, maybe with some personality traits, but devoid of self. I am taught how to fit into the world, how to speak, what words to use, how to play nicely and not grab other children’s toys because those are Tommy’s toys and these are Lisa’s toys. In fact Tommy’s toys are a different colour to Lisa’s toys. Then there are my siblings, oh no! Who does Mummy love most? If I say and do the right things I am rewarded, and punished if I step out of line. Me and my siblings are good, bad, naughty, an angel, a darling, an urchin, a terror, a sweetheart, a nuisance. The labels stick, I grow into the labels or discard them hatefully. It all seems so real, ideals to live up to. I gotta survive in life somehow. The narrative runs - ‘I’ve done this; I’ve done that; this is my creation; I’ve got these skills; I’m very good because I don’t eat meat; everyone hates me; I’m hopeless; if only I had xxx life would be better; what’s the point?; shall I end it now?; they won’t miss me; will I ever find happiness?’ God I’m so lonely; what a cesspit of a life; I hope I win the lottery then I will be able to xxx’etc etc. All stories stemming from the conviction of my self and separation. I bought into the story of me running the show, I know now that that wasn’t the case, I was never running the show.

The way I see it now is accompanied with a pang of regret for not seeing more clearly sooner. Regret happens. I speak more about the past here than the present. The illusion of my separate self has been akin to being incarcerated in a kind of a prison where there are assumed limitations, the pain of familiar habits, stuckness, same old same old, believing this is how things are and that I had control and influence over my destiny. Must try harder. Seeing me pursuing avenues in life which caused more pain and suffering and led nowhere, chasing the carrot, earning a living, paying the bills. Believing I needed to live up to other people’s expectations of me, their ideals. Scared of disappointing others – my parents, my colleagues, looking a fool, not being clever enough. Behaving like a martyr, busting a gut. Now I see through all that, I have been seeing through it for quite a while now. I see how unnecessary and counter to reality it all is. I see, with compassion, why I adopted the notion of self and want to move beyond that now into unknown open space, which I know is just a term in itself, a figure of speech. (Any ‘I’ or ‘me’ mentioned above is provisional and in quotes, devoid of ‘self’.)

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before we started this dialogue? Please report from the past couple of days.

ANSWER: Doubt has gone, the ‘buts’ are not there, which were demonstrating a provisional understanding of no self/no separate me, but couldn’t quite see it in its entirety. There is no need for ‘buts’ now because the truth of no self is here now. My predominant experience of this is laughing out loud a lot of the time. Even in the middle of the night I have been waking up these past couple of nights still checking if the ‘me’ was present, and giggling under the duvet when I see the absence, the delusion of the self. The freedom this brings is palpable. A sense of all is possible, no limitations, clear seeing, a sense of wonder.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look; as in what was a moment of shift if any?

ANSWER: Your questions were very probing and required me to really look at my experience, be honest about any reactivity that arose which meant I needed to look deeper. You asked me many questions which in their own ways helped break down any notions of self I was harbouring, but in particular the following:

Do you need to know the answer for it to be clearly so? (in the context of me believing I need to know how things happen without a separate self).

We are only here to LOOK if any of that - skilful or unskilful, etc - is in any way driven, controlled or chosen BY A SEPARATE SELF. (in the context of ethical practice. Ethical practice happens but it’s not a separate self that is doing it).

Choosing happens. Discerning happens. Creative and analytical thought happens. Even training and skill development happens. (in the context of whether a separate self is necessary for these things to happen. They are learned and are not controlled or driven by self).

A self that does not exist, has no responsibility or control over when clarity and conviction dawns.

… ultimate nature of reality, which can only be experienced, not explained or rationally fixed. And then … And we are aware that on the ultimate level it is a mystery.

Yes, this last one in particular. We can’t pin down ultimate reality, it is a mystery, we experience it, there are no words, it is beyond words. For me this is what makes seeing the illusion of no self meaningful. Getting ‘ourself’ out of the way, life flowing through us. Breathing out, relaxing, shoulders dropping, stillness, just being, lovely.

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control.

ANSWER: I can describe them but they don’t exist because they are terms associated with an ‘I’, a ‘self’. Without an I there is no decision, intention, free will, choice and control. They are all illusions which when believed have the potential to bring a false sense of security, power, superiority, ego-building, competitiveness, and so on. ‘I have got some important decisions to make’ reeks of the notion of a separate self. ‘I was born with free will, I can do as I like’. No, we don’t do as we like, we don’t have free will, life lives through us, we are not in control. Life isn’t going to bite us.

6) What makes things happen? How does it work?

ANSWER: Things just happen, nothing makes them happen, no self is making anything happen. There are no strings being pulled, no buttons being pressed on and off, no one in control. Happenings are manifestations of life flowing, they are not entities in themselves, they are transient, empty. Things happen without any influence from a self. It is the natural order of the universe, whatever that is, we don’t know. Given that a self is not real but the flow of life is, it stands to reason that happenings will arise from life.

7) What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

ANSWER: Ultimately I am not responsible for anything because I don’t exist. The question invites me to reflect upon relative responsibility as opposed to absolute responsibility. On a relative level what I do, how I conduct myself, matters, what I do affects myself and others. Having nearly lost my life I am acutely appreciative of having life and that brings a sense of responsibility to live wisely and give to others. On an absolute level, way beyond any notion I have of ‘my life’, ‘my responsibilities’, I am responsible for nothing. I can’t possibly be.

8) Anything to add?

ANSWER: I sense that the seeing that there is no self is the start of a further journey. This process of direct pointing has been immensely helpful to me and has helped bring clarity around the ‘buts’ arising. I am left with an open heart, an open mind, a sense of wonder, a sense of not knowing, a space for life to flow freely through my being, not fully knowing what that really means and that’s OK, in the absence of a fixed self. I would like to keep exploring, going deeper, seeing habits fall away in time, becoming clearer. I particularly want to be careful around noticing and honouring experiences in my life which have caused deep pain and suffering, and have shaped my life accordingly, my sense of needing ‘self-protection’, my strategies for meeting unpleasant experiences. Not to dwell, to see them for what they really were/are, but not deny them. I am keen to see how the triggers that have previously evoked a reaction around self being targeted, harmed, whatever, now affect a being who sees there is no self to be harmed. Old habits slipping away. This is working ground, it’s not over yet, this ‘being with no self’ needs to be tested and challenged as ‘I’ learn to greet the world in different ways.

A huge thank you Elad for your kind, wise and helpful guiding, I appreciate what you have offered me very much. It has been intense but fruitful.

[Elad]

Julia, this is very beautiful, thank you. For question (4), can you say some more about what you experienced and how, when you read the passage you quoted. Like describe a bit where you were, what was noticed, a bit like if I could have seen it as a movie?

After I receive your answer, I would like to share your answers here with other guides, to see if they might have questions they think could help create more clarity. Okay? As you say, looking and discovery continues... 🤍

[OneReality]

Yes sure Elad, I will work on this more tomorrow and will get back to you.

I would be happy for you to share my answers with anyone you like, happy to receive further questions in the quest for more clarity.

Thank you!

[Elad]

🌻

[OneReality]

Morning Elad

You might regret asking me to elaborate more on question 4! Go get a cuppa …

For question (4), can you say some more about what you experienced and how, when you read the passage you quoted. Like describe a bit where you were, what was noticed, a bit like if I could have seen it as a movie?

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look; as in what was a moment of shift if any?

I want to approach this from a different angle and I’m sorry, this might go on a bit. In my initial answer I typed stuff which I then deleted because I thought it was venturing into therorizing, intellectualising, memories, which I want to avoid. The starting point has to be seeing the truth of no self, I see that, here and now in my experience.

So let’s go on a little journey, let’s watch this movie. And to be clear, there is no ‘I’ in this, just the movie.

The title of the movie is ‘What is the point of my life?’. It’s an old movie, been around for over 40 years.

There came a time in Julia’s life when this question got too much. She didn’t want to die as such, she just couldn’t see the point of being alive – ‘why am I here?’. She had no answers, but the desire to not be here was strong, but she wasn’t planning to take her own life. More like she would have been fine if her life were obliterated in some other way. Just be done with it. Exactly a week later, at exactly the time she was angrily shoving two fingers up towards the sky to whomever might be listening, telling them to ‘fuck off’ (God? Higher beings?) Julia found herself in an unimaginably awful situation, her car was rolling down the motorway at very high speed. Total surrender happened, everything was out of her control, immense peace was experienced and beauty was seen in the refracted headlights of the truck thundering towards her, the light shining brightly through the shattered windscreen and shining in all directions. Such beauty! Awaiting death.

Death didn’t happen. For weeks after this Julia saw life in technicolour glory. Everything shined, colours were enhanced, it was like seeing everything for the very first time. Even people, seeing them for the very first time although they had been in her life for years. Pettiness fell away. Incredulity that she was alive, utter shock that life was here. The words ‘so you wanted to die then?’ came into her mind. It was like a tease. A week before, yes, she didn’t want to be here. Now, having seen death at such close proximity the exhilaration of having life, being alive, was overwhelming. Julia’s life changed completely after that – left everything behind, relationship, house, job, possessions and embarked upon a quest for meaning.

Before, during and after this event, about a ten year period, Julia experienced some very strange stuff, and even though she hadn’t heard of the truth of no self at that time, she never thought that these strange, irrational, inexplicable things were her doing. No, never, but she was very perplexed. Many dreams of visiting the same old house, a big, enormous house, many rooms, two staircases, even the family living there, remembering even now how they were dressed and what they looked like. Julia, through some utterly inexplicable coincidence, found herself staying at that very same house in New York a few years later. She knew it like the back of her hand. The people she saw living there in her dream were the occupants from 100 years ago. She learned this after telling the current occupants what she had seen in her dream. ‘You are describing my Jewish ancestors’ he told me.

This movie could go on and on with yet more stories of dreams, encounters, experiencing the deathly energy left behind by an old woman who jumped out of a window and died, confirmed by the nurse and was gobsmacked when I told her what I had ‘seen’.

None of this might relate to question 4 but in my experience it does. I have been around Buddhism for over 25 years and have seen and felt the, ah, what is the word … presence? Concept? No it’s not on the mental level, the possibility maybe, or even the reality of ‘something’ beyond self. I don’t know what that is, it is nebulous, unmeasurable, ungraspable. And there is no I which sees/feels it, it just is.

In some of your responses you have made reference to ‘processes are spontaneous’, an ‘ultimate level’, ‘ultimate nature of reality’. My hearing of these responses has connected with any glimpse I have had, more on a heart level, with the spaciousness of ‘what is’. Crikey, this is difficult to put into words. The key thing here is that your responses touched upon things in my own experience, like a validation, saying something like ‘there is more to life, yes there is no ‘I’, no ‘self’, life flows through us’.

If I saw that ‘I’ and ‘self’ don’t exist I might find myself back at the ‘what is the point of my life?’ question. Instead, seeing that life happens, somehow, the spontaneity of processes, the mystery of the ultimate level of existence, bring meaning for me. Although they are huge unknowns, it makes complete sense to me (yes, there is no ‘me’, just a figure of speech here).

Goodness, I have no idea whether this makes any sense. Please probe if necessary! Thank you for reading.

Below are your responses relating to the above movie:

The only thing that is really important to SEE here is that the processes are spontaneous without a separate self, without a doer or a chooser.

Only thing you need to see clearly is that there is no separate self doing it. Beyond that we can have helpful theories or explanation models on the relative level. And we are aware that on the ultimate level it is a mystery.

That's lovely and useful on a relative level. And we just see that none of it equals a separate self or an explanation of the ultimate nature of reality, which can only be experienced, not explained or rationally fixed.

[Elad]

This was a joy and inspiring tor read Julia. I will share this now for other guides to look and suggestions questions/inquiries if they have.

[OneReality]

Thank you :)

[Elad]

Hi Julia,

Three guides looked and had no questions for now. So, looks like for now, you can't just enjoy the continued unfolding... Any questions from your side?

Moving forward you can write me here again, if you have more questions. You can also write me at eladexplore1111@gmail.com

Nerina will contact you with info about moving forward. I also have recommendations of options to hang out with "Dharma friends" and explore further. Write me your email address here, or send it to my email.

[Elad]

So, looks like for now, you *can* just enjoy the continued unfolding...

😝

[OneReality]

Oh thank you Elad, joy arises in this bundle of habits today! Much gratitude to you and the three other guides who kindly looked over my responses, you all do amazing work. I look forward to hearing from Nerina at some point, and your recommendations on how I might take things further.

Even that little slip-up with the extra apostrophe and ‘t’ made me smile – what are the cans and cannots in life about?! Not there.

I’m away for the next three days now, travelling to a situation which previously has been like entering the tiger’s cage, so many habits formed to ‘protect the self’ that doesn’t exist! This time it will be different. Let’s see what happens when life just flows and life happens, no resistance, no expectations, no silly nonsense, no dances of wilfulness and asserting this non-existent self.

Thank you for giving me your email address, I will email you with mine, and then later report back after the weekend, as this situation offers a helpful challenge to see how the process of the seeing of no self plays out in the trickier moments of daily life.

Many thanks Elad for your helping me see the illusion of no self. May the journey continue …

[Elad]

Beautiful, all of this! I got your email also, will answer. We will be in touch again soon! Thank you for the beautiful process here.

Much love