The Gate

Hahah, you sound much less serious than when we first started this dialogue :)

Definitely, I’ve loosened up a lot this past week. I was just coming out of 9 months in a dark hole when we started this dialogue. Perhaps the spoon of suffering has been removed from my ass!😜

You're constantly holding up the beliefs that "you live in a world", "there is a world", "there is a you", "you're a little thing inside that world", and "the world exists as 3D space". Isn't that tiring? Isn't that effortful? When I asked about 3D, you only questioned the belief that the world is a 3D space. But why is it a given that there is a world? Does the world exist outside of your thoughts? Do you think a newborn baby has the sense that it exists in a world?

This thing about a world is a huuuge assumption that you've filed under "Things Ciaran knows for sure". Imagine how much else is in that file and what your experience would look like with it emptied out. Like, what do you know for sure? What do you REALLY know for sure is true?

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I had to spend some time with these questions and I’ve been pretty jaded following my return to work and physical activity. These are some pretty deep questions, thank you. What do I know for sure? I know nothing! But there is some grasping still present and I have a pretty inquisitive ‘Science Head’ mind which has been difficult dealing with on this journey. Yes, it is exhausting, and a big part of the emotional purge this past two years was this presence of weariness, a sense of enough of holding on, clinging to the illusion. I will have to spend more time with these questions. Today, I was in a cafe and spending some time inquiring, I got a sense like I was watching a soap opera on tv, it was shaky and weird and I had some contraction feelings in my solar plexus.

Nice, isn't it 😂? So, how do you know there are objects? What is an object? Are there really objects that can be closer or farther? What is distance? Can you find distance in DE? If you look closely, does vision start to seem more and more like a 2D screen like when you watch a movie and it looks 3D but you know you're watching it on a 2D screen? What's the difference between your vision and a screen?

I think I’ve got a hint of the 2D thing. If I look closer and inquire here, I’m getting contraction in core area, difficulty taking a breath. There’s no answer regarding the objects, there’s a hint, a shakiness of the idea of objects, of distance. There’s a fluctuation between there being no difference between close and far away objects to there being a difference. It all feels quite shaky. I got a lot of yawning in addition to the contractions in my core the last time I spent time with this (I had a lot of yawning as part of the emotional purge I went through).

Ok, most important part of today's post. I want you to go towards that still, vast place. What is the nature of this place? How is it experienced? Is it a "place"? Does anything tell you that the senses are experienced from this "place"? Try to sink into this if you can. You have some tools to quiet your mind already. Maybe throw in the question "Where am I?" and look for where you are without thought. Let me know what comes up

Spending time with this, it doesn’t feel now like a space, a place. Senses aren’t experienced from this place or a place. Deepening into the experience and asking where am I, brings a lot of physical contraction sensations in my core and difficulty taking a breath. One time there was some fear starting to arise. Another time I felt tears coming.

Okay, with such reactions to the inquiry, I'm sure we're getting at some juicy bits. Continue sitting with the questions I've posed you, I think I gave you a lot hahah. Whenever you get these contractions, it's a sign that you're getting close to some juice.

Today, I was in a cafe and spending some time inquiring, I got a sense like I was watching a soap opera on tv, it was shaky and weird and I had some contraction feelings in my solar plexus.

What's the difference between reality and a soap opera on tv? Do you really think the inner world you've created and live in is any more real than "fictional" tv shows?

There’s a fluctuation between there being no difference between close and far away objects to there being a difference. It all feels quite shaky.

Pick an object in the centre of the room. Now line up your hand in front of your face, with the object to its right, and the wall of the room to the right of the object. Look at them one after the other. You'll see each one change (duplicate/merge), but does any of this actually tell you they're "out there" at different distances? How do you know there are objects "out there"? If there's an outside, where's the inside?

Senses aren’t experienced from this place or a place. Deepening into the experience and asking where am I, brings a lot of physical contraction sensations in my core and difficulty taking a breath. One time there was some fear starting to arise. Another time I felt tears coming.

Please return to and focus on this :)

Hi Tyler. Apologies once again for the delay.

What's the difference between reality and a soap opera on tv? Do you really think the inner world you've created and live in is any more real than "fictional" tv shows?

Yeah, these questions and the ones on the 3d reality and the world have really started shaking some beliefs. I never really looked at these beliefs, so thanks for pointing me there. I’ll keep questioning these beliefs, they’re pretty old and I’m seeing more how all I’ve been taught, the labels, the beliefs and the attachment to them forms the construct of mind identification and even more when I question these beliefs, the answers aren’t in mind, or there’s no answers needed. I’ll stay with it.

Pick an object in the centre of the room. Now line up your hand in front of your face, with the object to its right, and the wall of the room to the right of the object. Look at them one after the other. You'll see each one change (duplicate/merge), but does any of this actually tell you they're "out there" at different distances? How do you know there are objects "out there"? If there's an outside, where's the inside?

I see it, concepts, mind telling me there are objects. More to question into here. Yeah, you did give me a lot of homework!

Senses aren’t experienced from this place or a place. Deepening into the experience and asking where am I, brings a lot of physical contraction sensations in my core and difficulty taking a breath. One time there was some fear starting to arise. Another time I felt tears coming.
Please return to and focus on this :)

Not getting as many contractions. Feels deeply relaxing. Once or twice, I saw a bright light in my minds eye. I did change the inquiry, intuitively maybe today, I asked, ‘without labels, without concepts, without beliefs, what am I? What is the world? What is reality?. I had the contractions again in my solar plexus.

I’ve been bombarded a bit with thoughts. Doubts maybe, a thought I’m not catching that this awakening thing isn’t real, it’s quite a weird feeling with it, like it’s another world away or something. Thoughts too about eg. Do I have to stay in my work, who makes decisions if there’s no I, all the feelings and what I thought was intuitive glimpses over the past few years about my changing work to a healer or teacher or something spiritual, we’re they just too from the ‘I’? I feel that all of this too has to be let go off as it’s all the ‘I’, I’m getting hammered here at times though with thoughts, the doing, the planning, who this, who that! Feels big to let all of it go and that’s okay, there’s nothing really to let go.

Hey Ciaran. Don't worry, take as much time as you need with this. No one's in a rush here :)

I see it, concepts, mind telling me there are objects. More to question into here. Yeah, you did give me a lot of homework!

Yes keep exploring this. You can do this at any time, just look around. Stare until the labels drop and you can really see what's there, not a bunch of labels.

Not getting as many contractions. Feels deeply relaxing. Once or twice, I saw a bright light in my minds eye. I did change the inquiry, intuitively maybe today, I asked, ‘without labels, without concepts, without beliefs, what am I? What is the world? What is reality?. I had the contractions again in my solar plexus.

Beautiful. I like to give people a more concise one "What's not a thought?" You can try that out and see how it works for you. Keep coming back here, lots of juice. As soon as you notice a thought, let it go and return. You'll get to a point where there are no more gross thoughts, but it feels like some activity is still there. This is your activity of "monitoring for thoughts", it's the base "effort-ing" or "aware-ing" thought. If you can sit with just this for a while, see if you can let go of this thought too, and completely release all effort.

I’ve been bombarded a bit with thoughts. Doubts maybe, a thought I’m not catching that this awakening thing isn’t real, it’s quite a weird feeling with it, like it’s another world away or something.

Well, "awakening" is really just a word at the end of the day. It doesn't describe something that you can get or achieve, it's about falling away/deconstruction.

Thoughts too about eg. Do I have to stay in my work, who makes decisions if there’s no I, all the feelings and what I thought was intuitive glimpses over the past few years about my changing work to a healer or teacher or something spiritual, we’re they just too from the ‘I’? I feel that all of this too has to be let go off as it’s all the ‘I’, I’m getting hammered here at times though with thoughts, the doing, the planning, who this, who that! Feels big to let all of it go and that’s okay, there’s nothing really to let go.

There's a really deep belief here that an "I" is required for verbs to happen. It's a thing with English because we always put a subject before the verb. The words "doing" or "running" don't mean anything by themselves in English, because what's doing? What's running? Even with "raining", we say "It's raining", as if there's a thing that's raining. But no, "Raining" is grammatically incomplete, but no different from "It's raining".

Try this:
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10 Words

Type out the first 10 words that come to mind and post them here.
Here's my 10, I have no idea what the first one will be let alone the 10th -

coffee tick medicine give shake OK word rise say tea

(Actually they weren't the strict first 10, there seemed to be a selection process going on that said yes and no to the words that came up, but none of the process of word appearance or selection was known.)
Let me know what it's like for you. Were you the one who generated the words? And then were you the one who selected which words to put down? Where did the words come from?
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So, it's not to say that "doing" or "planning" cease, but a large portion of it that is triggered by fear/avoidance stops. Further, it's not as if thoughts about changing your career arise, and then YOU get to decide whether to act on them or not. Even the decision to act on them or not is just a thought that is habitually claimed to be "yours". Let all of it go, things continue to flow.

Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. 😄😄😄

Hi Tyler. I let time slip by again. I’ve been pretty fatigued with going back to work and I’m wondering too if all the inquiry causes an element of tiredness also.

Stare until the labels drop and you can really see what's there, not a bunch of labels.

Generally there’s a peaceful blankness when I do this. I might not be practicing the staring long enough. I was staring at a tree last weekend and the scene sort of went pixelated.

"What's not a thought?"

Interesting inquiry. Pretty much everything is a thought even the thought that everything is a thought. It’s quite a powerful inquiry, I’ve been sinking deeper in to it gradually. Not as much body activity at the moment. Last weekend there was a few times I had a slight sense of pressure in the heart area and the beginning of like a gentle tear flow, it felt like my heart wanted to just sigh! Lots of deep yawning though. A couple of times over the week, there was more deep yawning and a gripping tightening of the back of my head.

Well, "awakening" is really just a word at the end of the day. It doesn't describe something that you can get or achieve, it's about falling away/deconstruction.

It actually might feel like a mix of an expectation of some kind and nothing at all or that there never was anything, to this weird feeling sense that it’s not real. Like it should feel like something magical or mysterious (though this is not really as potent as weeks or months ago) on one end but the other side is like the absence of an I that could hold on to an expectation. It’s gradually moving towards the deconstruction end. Am I making sense the way I’m trying to explain it?

10 Words

Type out the first 10 words that come to mind and post them here.
Here's my 10, I have no idea what the first one will be let alone the 10th -

coffee tick medicine give shake OK word rise say tea

(Actually they weren't the strict first 10, there seemed to be a selection process going on that said yes and no to the words that came up, but none of the process of word appearance or selection was known.)
Let me know what it's like for you. Were you the one who generated the words? And then were you the one who selected which words to put down? Where did the words come from?

Hello day nice take born fire left night run boy

The first few words came easily and there did seem to be some kind of selection to them. The last few words, there felt like there was an element of searching for a word before selection.

So, it's not to say that "doing" or "planning" cease, but a large portion of it that is triggered by fear/avoidance stops. Further, it's not as if thoughts about changing your career arise, and then YOU get to decide whether to act on them or not. Even the decision to act on them or not is just a thought that is habitually claimed to be "yours". Let all of it go, things continue to flow.

Can you clarify this for me a bit? Or am I trying to understand this via thought which ultimately is the thing that needs to be let go of.

“I would love to live like a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding” John O’Donohue

I’ve been pretty fatigued with going back to work and I’m wondering too if all the inquiry causes an element of tiredness also.

Take your time and rest man

Interesting inquiry. Pretty much everything is a thought even the thought that everything is a thought. It’s quite a powerful inquiry, I’ve been sinking deeper in to it gradually.

Keep at this one. If you can do it during meditation that'd be great

Am I making sense the way I’m trying to explain it?

You're making as much sense as you could make :)

The first few words came easily and there did seem to be some kind of selection to them. The last few words, there felt like there was an element of searching for a word before selection.

But the selection itself was random, no? You didn't know what was going to be selected before it was selected. It was more of a thought "ok this one" and then going with it, wasn't it?

Also, though there was a "searching", is it more accurate to call it a "waiting"? There's nothing apart from what's here to be searched for... and though you say "search", wasn't it more like a random word popped up after you waited long enough? Maybe try this exercise again.

Can you clarify this for me a bit? Or am I trying to understand this via thought which ultimately is the thing that needs to be let go of.

Eh, don't worry about it. Maybe it'll click in the future, maybe not.

“I would love to live like a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding” John O’Donohue

You already do, man.

Wanna set up a call sometime? Maybe next weekend if you're free

Wanna set up a call sometime? Maybe next weekend if you're free

Yeah sure, I’d be willing to give that a go. I’m usually free at weekends but not this weekend unfortunately. The following weekends or midweek if it suits you?

Sure. Send me an email at 27leetyler@gmail.com so we can schedule